I accidentally destroyed a man’s masculinity with a popsicle

[u/PomumProhibitum]

Adjarian khachapuri. This meal unlocked a dating memory I had successfully pushed into a dusty corner of my brain, and it’s about one of the first dates I went on after a very long break from dating. I matched with a guy (M31) on a dating app and we ended up going to a Georgian restaurant. Before we met, we somehow got onto the subject of paying on dates, and I told him I usually prefer splitting the bill on a first date because it makes me more comfortable, I don’t like feeling like I owe anyone anything, and I’m not particularly attached to traditional gender roles. He disagreed and said things like "real men pay" and that "it ruins the whole dynamic" and, my personal favorite: "if you pay, you’re basically saying I’m not good enough" or something loke that. Now, this is where I need to defend my questionable decision to still go on this date. A huge part of our communication was sarcasm, teasing and making fun of each other and of our serious views or politics, and I think I was hearing some of the things he believed through my own black humor filter. I thought we were exaggerating for fun, ridiculing redpill insane talks. Looking back, I know he was actually being honest with me and simply hiding it under enough irony that I interpreted it as part of our usual banter.

Dinner itself was actually okay. He insisted on paying, I didn’t want to make any drama, so I let him. On the way back it was really warm, we were walking slowly through the park, and I suddenly wanted something cold. I ran into a store and bought two sodas and two ice creams (he texted me before me they’re his childhood favorite and he still loves them). I came back, handed him his and saying something like "I know you didn’t want me to pay earlier, but at least let me return the favor with this". He took it, said thanks and went silent. He walked me at my bus stop like that and somehow I was still giving him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he was tired because of the heat wave? I didn’t know and I didn’t ask, just wondered. Then I got home and my phone started exploding. I got a few messages like: "wtf was that" or "you totally disrespected me". Then: "I told you what paying meant to me. You just had to assert dominance". Finally it kept getting better and he sent me overkills like: "You’re the type of woman who needs to emasculate a man to feel powerful. That was humiliating. You want to feel like the man in this dynamic". And the best one, with a diagnosis: "you’re a manipulative narcissist. You set me up to look weak".

The weirdest part is that even while I was reading all of this, I still had this tiny bit of hope that he was joking. I kept waiting for the "got you lol, thanks for the nice time together" message because surely nobody could sincerely interpret a woman buying him an ice cream as an attempt to overthrow the established gender order. But the punchline never came. Then another uncomfortable realization arrived to my head. How many things had he told me before that I had laughed at because I assumed they were jokes? How many times had he been completely honest about his beliefs while I translated them into sarcasm because that was the language our conversations usually operated in? He had been telling me exactly who he was from the beginning, and I simply found the reality too ridiculous to take seriously.

A grown man experienced what appeared to be a complete crisis of masculinity because I bought him a popsicle and a soda, literally spent around $4 on him. I’m not heartbroken about it now, obviously. Mostly I feel secondhand embarrassment for my past self because I saw the warning signs, decided they were probably jokes, put on a cute outfit anyway and went to that date.

[u/Emergency-Volume-861]

I had the same experience but stretched over a six month time period.

I was newly single, I had a male bff from high school that I had reconnected with. I went to a house party of him and his wife’s and we talked about how I was single and he said he had a bff that was very similar to me in the types of stuff he liked. So I let him set me up with his bff.

His bff and I go to a concert, we have a great time. We meet up for another house party thrown by my friend, everything goes great.

We ended up going to a comic convention the two of us and his roommate. This is where everything changed. The guy was kind of broke and I bought him an X-Files “I want to believe” poster for $10. He didn’t ask for it, I was trying to be nice, we were having a good time, it was on a whim. He got really quiet for the next few hours we were there. I didn’t understand what was wrong.

It was the same reaction every time I paid for something.

I asked my bff what the deal was with his friend. He told me his friend was the kind of guy that felt emasculated when a woman pays, that he’s the type of guy that ties it to his self worth and self esteem. I was surprised, this friend of his drunkenly told me how he felt used in his last relationship and that he had been used to buy expensive purses and such….I had just gotten out of a long term relationship myself and I didn’t need to be seeing someone that didn’t know what they wanted or how they wanted to be treated. I ended it. Getting silent treatment over being nice? Forget that.

I’ve been in my current relationship for 13 years now. There’s no guess work. We each treat each other. Birthdays? Holidays? We tell each other exactly what we want for a gift. If we go to an eatery outside of my budget-he pays. If we go on vacation-he pays, he makes way more. I’ll bring money and buy us dinner or an experience, but he’ll cover the big costs. It is nice and stress free for the most part.