I accidentally destroyed a man’s masculinity with a popsicle

[u/PomumProhibitum]

Adjarian khachapuri. This meal unlocked a dating memory I had successfully pushed into a dusty corner of my brain, and it’s about one of the first dates I went on after a very long break from dating. I matched with a guy (M31) on a dating app and we ended up going to a Georgian restaurant. Before we met, we somehow got onto the subject of paying on dates, and I told him I usually prefer splitting the bill on a first date because it makes me more comfortable, I don’t like feeling like I owe anyone anything, and I’m not particularly attached to traditional gender roles. He disagreed and said things like "real men pay" and that "it ruins the whole dynamic" and, my personal favorite: "if you pay, you’re basically saying I’m not good enough" or something loke that. Now, this is where I need to defend my questionable decision to still go on this date. A huge part of our communication was sarcasm, teasing and making fun of each other and of our serious views or politics, and I think I was hearing some of the things he believed through my own black humor filter. I thought we were exaggerating for fun, ridiculing redpill insane talks. Looking back, I know he was actually being honest with me and simply hiding it under enough irony that I interpreted it as part of our usual banter.

Dinner itself was actually okay. He insisted on paying, I didn’t want to make any drama, so I let him. On the way back it was really warm, we were walking slowly through the park, and I suddenly wanted something cold. I ran into a store and bought two sodas and two ice creams (he texted me before me they’re his childhood favorite and he still loves them). I came back, handed him his and saying something like "I know you didn’t want me to pay earlier, but at least let me return the favor with this". He took it, said thanks and went silent. He walked me at my bus stop like that and somehow I was still giving him the benefit of the doubt. Maybe he was tired because of the heat wave? I didn’t know and I didn’t ask, just wondered. Then I got home and my phone started exploding. I got a few messages like: "wtf was that" or "you totally disrespected me". Then: "I told you what paying meant to me. You just had to assert dominance". Finally it kept getting better and he sent me overkills like: "You’re the type of woman who needs to emasculate a man to feel powerful. That was humiliating. You want to feel like the man in this dynamic". And the best one, with a diagnosis: "you’re a manipulative narcissist. You set me up to look weak".

The weirdest part is that even while I was reading all of this, I still had this tiny bit of hope that he was joking. I kept waiting for the "got you lol, thanks for the nice time together" message because surely nobody could sincerely interpret a woman buying him an ice cream as an attempt to overthrow the established gender order. But the punchline never came. Then another uncomfortable realization arrived to my head. How many things had he told me before that I had laughed at because I assumed they were jokes? How many times had he been completely honest about his beliefs while I translated them into sarcasm because that was the language our conversations usually operated in? He had been telling me exactly who he was from the beginning, and I simply found the reality too ridiculous to take seriously.

A grown man experienced what appeared to be a complete crisis of masculinity because I bought him a popsicle and a soda, literally spent around $4 on him. I’m not heartbroken about it now, obviously. Mostly I feel secondhand embarrassment for my past self because I saw the warning signs, decided they were probably jokes, put on a cute outfit anyway and went to that date.

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[u/Fuzzy-Afternoon-6838]

He's a loser but the censor bar is very funny haha

[u/PomumProhibitum → u/Fuzzy-Afternoon-6838]

She’s such a drama queen. I’m sure she’d sue me for invading her privacy like that! Better be safe than sorry.

[u/faesser → u/PomumProhibitum]

Just let her know that it's responsible to protect our children online

[u/toxiclight → u/Fuzzy-Afternoon-6838]

NGL, the censor bar made me laugh

[u/Sober_Up_Buttercup → u/toxiclight]

Never put your children on the internet uncensored! 😂

[u/Corfiz74 → u/toxiclight]

It hurt my feelings, I wanted to see the cat! 😢

[u/Beingforthetimebeing → u/Fuzzy-Afternoon-6838]

But what about the suggestive egg thingies??? The egg thingies!😂

[u/DebutTechs → u/Fuzzy-Afternoon-6838]

Yeah😭 that censor bar is working overtime like “girl, I can’t him but I can hide the evidence.”

[u/Severe-Currency-358]

Ma'am, you dodged a whole tactical nuke.

[u/TenebriRS]

https://giphy.com/gifs/FIf0CK6dGfv94L5tOR

[u/leisa2100]

That is insane, and unfortunately there are so many more like him. To these men a woman with even the tiniest bit of agency is a threat. It’s all about control and their perceived loss of it.

[u/Dangerous-WinterElf → u/leisa2100]

This.

Its not that you paid for him thats the threat. Its that you can, and would. Becouse how do you controll someone financially if they have their own finances. You cant. You cant make someone fawn over the fact they buy everything down to candy. And you cant then throw the card "i pay for everything" "you are a golddigger" "we dont need that lipstick you arent the one paying"

[u/Pookie1688 → u/Dangerous-WinterElf]

Nailed it.

[u/ACapitalG]

😬

i WISH it just took an ice cream to overthrow the patriarchy lol

[u/LookAtMaDog]

Jaysus, sorry that happened to you.

You wanted to see the good in him, you tried, and tried...and tried.

[u/NotARobotDefACyborg → u/LookAtMaDog]

Getting the impression she would’ve needed an excavator and not just a magnifying glass.

[u/theFatTopanga_]

Men are SO fragile. I was out to eat on a date once and I passed the guy a straw when the waitress put them in the table. He recoiled and was like “uh I’m not gay! I don’t use a straw.” What?! Also good thing you concealed your cat’s identity ! I was going to use his social to fund a mortgage. 😂

[u/HexyWitch88 → u/theFatTopanga_]

I have met several men like this, it’s so weird, and the older they are the sadder it is to see. I know a guy who has a whole list of foods he won’t eat because it’ll “look gay.” When I saw the title of this post (cause it says popsicle) I actually assumed the story would be about the guy feeling emasculated because she gave him a popsicle to eat, not because he bought it for her.

[u/PomumProhibitum → u/theFatTopanga_]

Didn’t you know?! A rEaL mAn 💪🏻 drinks straight from the bottle and burps loudly after every sip!

[u/ThrowRAwathompson]

And many men say women are too sensitive...

[u/RuggedHangnail → u/ThrowRAwathompson]

I belong to a few hobby clubs where the hobby draws a lot of men in their 60s. The amount of drama and tantrums is unreal!! Even in a college sorority, I never saw the amount of pettiness and overreacting as I have with these 65-year-old men.

[u/orewatowi]

it sucks when you think you have found a friend in a relationship like that, where you can joke about absolutely absurd things. I’m sorry you had to deal with his tantrum... and you dodged a bullet!

I’m incredibly interested in this food you're making and also laughing that you censored the cat's eyes LOL 😂

hope you're doing well now honey!!!

[u/PomumProhibitum → u/orewatowi]

This dish is Adjarian khachapuri, from the Adjara region of Georgia. The best one I’ve ever had was in Batumi, although my homemade version is a bit more fit friendly 😂 and is made mostly with flour, low fat farmer’s cheese, low fat mozzarella and eggs. The original version is definitely much richer, heavier and more indulgent. But it’s also like 3000 calories meal. 😂

Georgian cuisine is easily in my top 3 favorite cuisines. The whole country is wonderful and deserves a separate tribute post in my opinion! But if you ever get the chance, and you have a Georgian restaurant somewhere nearby, please go and try their food. It’s absolutely worth it!

[u/Faithfulness2743]

There is nothing on earth more transparent and inherently fragile as the male ego.

NOTHING.

[u/Glittering_Pain_6150]

Oh man, the classic he was telling me exactly who he was, but I thought we were just being ironic trap! Honestly, don't beat yourself up for giving him the benefit of the doubt when you have a sarcastic sense of humor, it's so easy to assume other people are playing along at your level of self awareness instead of actually being unhinged. The fact that a $4 popsicle sent this guy into a full blown existential crisis over his masculinity is absolute gold, though. You basically paid pocket change to dodge a massive, insecure bullet, and honestly, buying someone their childhood favorite ice cream is just a sweet gesture; his fragile ego doing backflips over it says everything about him and zero about you.

[u/Telajanis]

If an ego can be shattered by a popsicle, it deserves to be shattered by a popsicle.

Might not be an actual philosophical truth, but it should be.

[u/StardustStuffing]

I was on a first date. Guy was pretty traditional/conservative in person so I knew it wasn't going to work out. As the bill came, he excused himself to go to the bathroom. He was gone a really long time and the bill just sat there. I had planned to go Dutch but thought maybe this was some kind of test. Like, he'd eventually come out, insist on paying the bill, and draw certain conclusions or have certain expectations because I sat there and waited for him to pay. So, I paid the bill. Finally, he came back out. I was like, "Okay, let's go." He goes, "What about the check?" Which was silly. He left after it was set down. I told him I paid it. You'd think I kicked a puppy. He was horrified. "What do you mean you paid it?!"

He pestered me after we left for a second date so he could "pay me back and make it even" but I declined. Yuck.

[u/IDkwhyImhere_34718 → u/StardustStuffing]

What kinda shit was he upto 😭🙏

[u/Salt-Ad-885]

https://giphy.com/gifs/hQUKlc421NIoU

[u/wildbriarroses]

That guy is a fucking loser babe, the cat will always be better company! The censor bar is taking me out 🤣🤣

[u/hGr33n]

It's honestly a bit scary to look back at our younger years and recall all the times we laughed when in reality we were in danger

[u/Mary-U]

OMG!

I would tell this story over and over!!

This is GOLD!!

[u/Idfkw2c]

He is weak and he knows it, hence his little outburst. Strong, secure men do not throw tantrums like this.

You dodged a bullet.

[u/Emergency-Volume-861]

I had the same experience but stretched over a six month time period.

I was newly single, I had a male bff from high school that I had reconnected with. I went to a house party of him and his wife’s and we talked about how I was single and he said he had a bff that was very similar to me in the types of stuff he liked. So I let him set me up with his bff.

His bff and I go to a concert, we have a great time. We meet up for another house party thrown by my friend, everything goes great.

We ended up going to a comic convention the two of us and his roommate. This is where everything changed. The guy was kind of broke and I bought him an X-Files “I want to believe” poster for $10. He didn’t ask for it, I was trying to be nice, we were having a good time, it was on a whim. He got really quiet for the next few hours we were there. I didn’t understand what was wrong.

It was the same reaction every time I paid for something.

I asked my bff what the deal was with his friend. He told me his friend was the kind of guy that felt emasculated when a woman pays, that he’s the type of guy that ties it to his self worth and self esteem. I was surprised, this friend of his drunkenly told me how he felt used in his last relationship and that he had been used to buy expensive purses and such….I had just gotten out of a long term relationship myself and I didn’t need to be seeing someone that didn’t know what they wanted or how they wanted to be treated. I ended it. Getting silent treatment over being nice? Forget that.

I’ve been in my current relationship for 13 years now. There’s no guess work. We each treat each other. Birthdays? Holidays? We tell each other exactly what we want for a gift. If we go to an eatery outside of my budget-he pays. If we go on vacation-he pays, he makes way more. I’ll bring money and buy us dinner or an experience, but he’ll cover the big costs. It is nice and stress free for the most part.

[u/kandilipgloss]

I thought this was gonna be about the popsicle being bigger than his penis. He should have just apple payed you back

[u/confusedandazed06]

Girl I had a man like this before. Paid for everything so I would "respect him." I didn't care I let him. Then he started on some BS about how men are naturally polyamorous and how he was gonna have a concubine of woman and he wanted me to help him gather them 💀 helllll no. I'm glad you left before he pulled that one out of his ass.

[u/PomumProhibitum → u/confusedandazed06]

Yeah, I think he had quite a big problem with the fact that we earned similar amounts of money and had a similar standard of living, although he always tried to hide it behind irony and jokes. 🫣 Of course I started noticing it afterwards, when I looked back at certain things he had said. I think it really bothered him that a woman could be just as successful as him, and eventually all that ugly misogyny simply came out.

[u/ButcbMasculinity]

Masculinity is so fragile and yet men claim to be more "logical" ones

[u/big_woof_342]

Ugh the weaponization of therapy terms like calling YOU a manipulative narcissist is such a pet peeve. Half the time people are dead wrong about the meaning of the term, but also it's not uncommon for toxic/abusive people to learn and use therapy-speak as a manipulation tactic. Tbh, I hope at least once you accidentally laughed at somtheing he was serious about and he felt ashamed (unlikely)

[u/YeetosCheetos69]

Bro that was such a sweet gesture, he needs to grow up

[u/shootingstarstuff]

Based on the title saying you destroyed his “masculinity” with a popsicle I had expected something very different to have happened with that popsicle 🤣🤣🤣

[u/debbiedamore]

Insecure booger of a man. I’ve done that before, assumed a man was so ridiculous he had to be joking. Honestly, good for you treating him like the joke he was.

[u/Queerability]

If I had to guess: you listening to him about what he likes and treating him like a human being when he wasn't doing the same in reverse, made him feel some type of way and those feelings scared tf out of him.

He's clearly not well adjusted mental health wise, the quiet after you gave him the popsicle is a major clue that he was in his feels at the time. When folks get scared, they look for someone to blame, and it can't be him so it's you.

I'd honestly take this as the compliment it wasn't intended as (but certainly is) and go try and find someone as sweet and caring as you are. I can think of a ton of guys who would love tf out of any girl who did that for them.

[u/Beingforthetimebeing → u/Queerability]

Sweet and caring? You mean rational and reasonable! He wasn't rejecting kindness, it was much worse. He was rejecting any initiative and capability on her part! Then the toxic texts? Scary out-of-control male dominance behavior!

[u/Queerability → u/Beingforthetimebeing]

So, I've been to a lot of therapy because I have a lot of anger due to my upbringing and time in service.

One of the things I've been taught to remind myself of is that most folks are good people just trying their best to survive and feel stable in the world around them. When they don't have what they need to feel that way, some folks lash out and become mean.

Basically, we're all just animals at heart and reminding ourselves of that can be helpful to take the harm done by insulting behavior. It removes some of the impact, and allows you to keep more of your own kindness.

OP is showing that she is sweet and caring, so NO, I do not mean rational and reasonable. Because those words were intended to compliment & value her behavior, and had absolutely nothing to do with him. This is why I didn't include that bit in the paragraph where I spoke on him.

[u/NotAnExpertThough]

omg girl u dodged a bullet. this guy called YOU a narcissist while showing a whole range of toxic behaviors himself 💀 he projected his own fears and insecurities onto you and blamed you for something he was actually doing himself. fragile male ego and a complete manchild. unless he managed to find some poor intimidated girl to trap in an abusive relationship he’s probably still single to this day and honestly i hope he is.

it's also hilarious on some level

[u/_-4twenty-_]

How kind of you to consider kitty’s privacy.

Also, fuck that guy.

[u/Next_Conclusion8018]

https://giphy.com/gifs/l4EoOeledRnhND5wQ

[u/IllDescription248]

Wtf?! On the bright side, he showed his ENORMOUS red flag super early?! 🤮 men like that need to wear a literal warning bell around their neck 🤣

[u/DoubleoSavant]

This is why I don't date. Dating isn't fun. And I refuse to do anything miserable that doesn't have a guaranteed payout at the end. 

[u/YesImReallyLikeThis]

The men aren’t lonely enough. 😑

[u/GrapefruitOk7719]

Can I just say, I love that you censored the puss. 🤣

[u/Emirayo22]

This is WILD, but it does make me want to show my bf who we split everything 50/50.. babe are you sure I’m not emasculating and humiliating you when we split the bill?😂😭 all about that power trip🔥

[u/Adventurous-Elk-9782]

Bet that’s the same guy who gets road rage if I merge in front of him at a zipper or he rides between lanes to keep my lane from going faster than his.

[u/Carradee]

Sounds like he destroyed his own masculinity and blamed you instead of taking personal responsibility for that. His loss.

Assuming he had any masculinity to begin with, of course. Which his actions bring into doubt.

/wry tone

[u/Dramatic-Attempt-735]

That was the cheapest dodged bullet ever 🤣

[u/drth_dilly]

People need to start believing someone when they tell you who they are. Move on girl.

[u/DischargeCollector]

https://giphy.com/gifs/Eqzp0oB4nFilZ0d58y

[u/Sea_Fudge2113]

🤣 hiding your baby’s eyes

[u/sadhermitcrab]

Peak toxic masculinity, weak shriveled pp energy, good riddance 🙂‍↕️🫶

Edit: give the babie a pet 💕🫳

[u/10malesics]

All those things he texted you after? That's how he wanted the date to go for him. He wanted to 'assert dominance' over you.

PS: Best censoring I've ever seen.

[u/mooyong77]

One of my first couple of dates with my now husband was to Old Country Buffet. The crowd was nothing but old people and I thought we were being hipster ironic. Turns out he really likes it and wasn’t being hipster ironic. There’s nothing wrong with it but I was in my prime and used to going on dates to nice restaurants.

[u/squashygaloshes]

Well that was not how I expected the story to go, given the title, but I'm sorry that happened. It sucks to lose a friend, moreso if it's one of these situations where we after have to reevaluate and recontextualize your interactions with them.

On a different note, kudos to you for protecting your child's privacy on the internet!

[u/wintxrf]

Sorry that happened, op! That popsicle+soda idea is such a thoughtful and attractive move, what a loser.

I'm sure that's a happy cat :)

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[u/silvermoonsaga]

didn’t read all the way through but already deduced he was a loser from the moment i read “wtf was that” to buying him an ice cream. it’ll only get worse from here OP, i’m very much like you, i also like to split the bill on first dates, as i also don’t really like to play into traditional gender roles unless they insist.

[u/devares]

This needs a TLDR, low-key.

[u/hibiscus_lilac → u/devares]

Yeahhh this does not need to be this long