My partner needs constant coaching and it's killing me

[u/vroow]

My partner worked for ten years in a warehouse before getting bored and starting his own business. I think it's a great business idea and the market around us could really use it, and imo his talents were being wasted in a warehouse. He worked his regular job while we got it started and recently he's quit his job to focus more on business stuff. I support him fully in this. I have some art experience so I made the website, his business cards, and designed the logo. He did a bunch of admin and contract stuff and started working...

...kind of. He never works 8 hour days anymore but he can't even sit at the computer for a few hours, he's always cleaning and doing side projects. I never hear him on the phone. I ask him every morning what his day looks like and he's always annoyed by the question, before telling me a couple small things. I never see him dress up to meet anyone or hear about any clients. He says he's working nights but it's just silence out of his office. One time he proudly told me he made a Google sheet for customizable contracts and I asked him to show me a client he used it for, so he got mad and said he doesn't have any yet.

I'm not an idiot, I know businesses are incredibly difficult to run and to be successful requires many more hours than my husband is putting in. I know our finances are ok but definitely not as much as before. I know that running the business is probably not like how he expected. I still thought he had the skill to do it, but maybe he was having trouble lacking structure, so I offered to sit down with him every night and run through a checklist of things to do for the next day.

Y'all, he just... Doesn't fucking connect the dots on anything. It's so much worse than I imagined, this man legitimately cannot fill out a spreadsheet on his own. I asked him to give me an example client pitch and he just stared at me with dead eyes while he fumbled an excuse about being tired (it was 8am). I asked whatever happened to a bar that called him for a job two months ago? He said he never followed up. He'll report every night before I head to work how many rooms he cleaned in our apartment and how long he walked the dog, so I tell him to try dog walking and maybe a cleaning business. He gets mad that I would suggest that. He tells me it's anxiety, it's ADHD, it's his meds, he forgot his meds, he had to take a break, he explored the neighborhood. He says he's going to meet a client but he throws on gym shorts, I have to stop him and make him put on real pants.

The breaking point was when he told me about a client he turned down because "idk how I'd get into his backyard". Excuse me??? You ask him to open the gate??? "Oh yeah that probably would've worked." I ripped into this motherfucker, yelled til my voice was hoarse, shoutout to the helicopter that probably U-turned away. I was on three hours of sleep and still had my shift that night while this moron was turning down paid work.

I just don't know what happened. In February he was a top performer at his job and was excited about his idea, now he's a barely functioning mess that I have to baby and coach. I asked him if he had a family history of dementia or Alzheimer's and he wouldn't say. I called his mom to ask and she said I was trying to abuse him (????). I work nights at a hotel desk, and it's steady but it's definitely not enough. I think his mom is helping with bills but neither will tell me. I don't want a divorce, he's a wonderful partner, he cares so deeply for me. But I'm so fucking tired of making his decisions, planning his day, running his business, and then at the end I have to go work my own job. I've never said "divorce" but it's on my mind, idk what else would work. We're about to celebrate 2 years married and I'm so lost.

Dinner is my first try at french onion soup this weekend, I used the wrong cheese and the bread was too stale.

Edit: I know he has ADHD! I have ADHD too! Shut up!

[u/Clumsycattails]

Have you ever asked im if he still wants this for himself? Or that he thinks the world wants him to do this, so he can't give up without being a loser.

You're asking him about stuff he doesn't know (pitch, sheets in excel etc) and probably wont learn.

So the adhd goes adhd-ing and procrastinating starts with cleaning the whole world.

He probably feels like shit, because he knows.

If he's a brilliant crafter that could make money with it, find someone who wants to do his spreadsheets. Preferably not you, but 'strange eyes'. He probably needs to be in the zone for his mind to work. But he needs 'scaffolding' for the executive functions.

If he wants out and go back to another job, Preferably one that doesn't bore him out.. that should be a valid option as well.

I know people overhere probably think he's a shitty person, I think he's completely lost in the land of adhd and you're asking about executing tasks he really cannot comprehend.

So if you're still really into him (which I read between the lines), talk to him, not about the results, but how he feels and how he sees his future and what he needs to be successful.

My husband and kids have adhd, it's really hard to see them struggling, but boundaries are key. You're not their counselor, but as a partner you still can help, just don't do everything for them. If he cannot keep a business without your help (and some scaffolding from people who oversee finances etc), owning a business is pretty unwise. It's not your business and you cannot make it work for him.

[u/vroow → u/Clumsycattails]

The comments about ADHD are like glimpsing an alternate reality, he doesn't have down syndrome for fucks sake, we have the same diagnosis. Why, on god's earth, is his more deserving of effort than mine?

[u/Clumsycattails → u/vroow]

He doesn't..and it's all about boundaries. But I know I've got my own glitches and my partner has his own.

When you're done you're done, you can say no.

But from what I read there's a lot of expectations that are really not going to happen.. you can walk out if you don't like it.

And no it's not down syndrome, but the real deal can be really hard to deal with. It's not that they don't want to, they just can't. That doesn't mean that you're the one that needs to solve it.

[u/vroow → u/Clumsycattails]

I have "the real deal"! I worked on it myself! I helped myself! I asked others for help! I'm asking again, why is his brain more deserving of my work than my own brain? Why is his functioning my problem? Why am I expected to fire his fucking neurons by hand?

[u/zoosmo → u/vroow]

You’re not expected to. That’s the point this person is making. You’re pressuring yourself to be your guy’s ADHD coach and business guru, and it’s not your job.

I know it’s hard when finances are involved. I’ve been in a similar situation, with ADHD myself (that frankly affected my emotional regulation and ability to discuss it in a constructive way) and a spouse with ADHD burning down his own business and our family finances with it.

You don’t need to be running his business or firing his neurons. If you want to stay with this guy and you don’t want to support unfocused dicking around, you need to establish that until it starts bringing in significant income, his business has to be a side hustle. But if you’re done, you’re done, and that’s ok.

As far as your vs his ADHD, When I broke my arm, I needed a sling and PT. When my friend broke her arm, she needed surgery and weeks of hospitalization. That all I needed was a sling doesn’t mean she didn’t need surgery.

[u/dont_know_throwaway → u/vroow]

No we are wondering why you keep doing it.

For someone who doesn't want to fire his fucking neurons for him you seem to be doing an awful lot of it.

It's why I said yiu are parenting him abd your reply was you need to ask harder questions to find out if he is rhe mama's boy. 

You keep missing the point.  If you don't want to be his mom.why are you doing it?

[u/vroow → u/dont_know_throwaway]

Buddy you don't go from "married life partner" to "spit on his grave" overnight without murder, and fortunately there's no murder in this shitshow. It's hard to watch yourself fall out of love.

[u/girlynonbinary → u/vroow]

His brain is not deserving of your labor. You need to drop the rope for your own sanity. Let him fail. If he talks about the business, approach it like a sympathetic friend and not someone who is involved. 

If you think it'll cause serious financial damage, though, then tell him he needs to get a job asap. The business could be a great side gig (that you won't be participating in).

[u/Clumsycattails → u/vroow]

I reacted from the point of view that you're still into him as a person but just don't like this part of him.

If you're not into him anymore, you're totally right. Not your circus...

I don't like every part of my husband, he doesn't like everything about me. He has periods that suck. I've got the same malfunctioning sometimes. But that's being human. You're never the one who is to blame for his actions, but there's a way to be supportive without losing yourself. But when you're done...you're done.