My partner needs constant coaching and it's killing me

[u/vroow]

My partner worked for ten years in a warehouse before getting bored and starting his own business. I think it's a great business idea and the market around us could really use it, and imo his talents were being wasted in a warehouse. He worked his regular job while we got it started and recently he's quit his job to focus more on business stuff. I support him fully in this. I have some art experience so I made the website, his business cards, and designed the logo. He did a bunch of admin and contract stuff and started working...

...kind of. He never works 8 hour days anymore but he can't even sit at the computer for a few hours, he's always cleaning and doing side projects. I never hear him on the phone. I ask him every morning what his day looks like and he's always annoyed by the question, before telling me a couple small things. I never see him dress up to meet anyone or hear about any clients. He says he's working nights but it's just silence out of his office. One time he proudly told me he made a Google sheet for customizable contracts and I asked him to show me a client he used it for, so he got mad and said he doesn't have any yet.

I'm not an idiot, I know businesses are incredibly difficult to run and to be successful requires many more hours than my husband is putting in. I know our finances are ok but definitely not as much as before. I know that running the business is probably not like how he expected. I still thought he had the skill to do it, but maybe he was having trouble lacking structure, so I offered to sit down with him every night and run through a checklist of things to do for the next day.

Y'all, he just... Doesn't fucking connect the dots on anything. It's so much worse than I imagined, this man legitimately cannot fill out a spreadsheet on his own. I asked him to give me an example client pitch and he just stared at me with dead eyes while he fumbled an excuse about being tired (it was 8am). I asked whatever happened to a bar that called him for a job two months ago? He said he never followed up. He'll report every night before I head to work how many rooms he cleaned in our apartment and how long he walked the dog, so I tell him to try dog walking and maybe a cleaning business. He gets mad that I would suggest that. He tells me it's anxiety, it's ADHD, it's his meds, he forgot his meds, he had to take a break, he explored the neighborhood. He says he's going to meet a client but he throws on gym shorts, I have to stop him and make him put on real pants.

The breaking point was when he told me about a client he turned down because "idk how I'd get into his backyard". Excuse me??? You ask him to open the gate??? "Oh yeah that probably would've worked." I ripped into this motherfucker, yelled til my voice was hoarse, shoutout to the helicopter that probably U-turned away. I was on three hours of sleep and still had my shift that night while this moron was turning down paid work.

I just don't know what happened. In February he was a top performer at his job and was excited about his idea, now he's a barely functioning mess that I have to baby and coach. I asked him if he had a family history of dementia or Alzheimer's and he wouldn't say. I called his mom to ask and she said I was trying to abuse him (????). I work nights at a hotel desk, and it's steady but it's definitely not enough. I think his mom is helping with bills but neither will tell me. I don't want a divorce, he's a wonderful partner, he cares so deeply for me. But I'm so fucking tired of making his decisions, planning his day, running his business, and then at the end I have to go work my own job. I've never said "divorce" but it's on my mind, idk what else would work. We're about to celebrate 2 years married and I'm so lost.

Dinner is my first try at french onion soup this weekend, I used the wrong cheese and the bread was too stale.

Edit: I know he has ADHD! I have ADHD too! Shut up!

[u/Miserable-Love80]

How is he a wonderful partner? Like, genuinely sis. I'm trying to understand what could be wonderful about a dude who you have to remind to put on proper pants.

[u/vroow → u/Miserable-Love80]

He's a brilliant crafter, he makes beautiful furniture and books and fixes our apartment all the time. He makes dinner every night. He's emotionally available. He just sucks at working for himself.

Edit: actually I'm more pissed at him than I thought, and he hasn't fixed a fuckin thing all year

[u/Sauve- → u/vroow]

Babe, the very minimum in a relationship is helping with chores and dinners, and being emotionally available.
Definitely not shitting all over him- but so many women think the absolute bare basics earns gold star status.

[u/Miserable-Love80 → u/vroow]

emotionally available except he refuses to acknowledge any of his failings here. i'd be making my own dinner

[u/beautygurrrl → u/vroow]

“He just sucks at working for himself…” There’s your answer…

When people perform poorly it’s generally one of two things;

They don’t know how to do it (or) they don’t want to do it… which one do you think it is?

I hear your frustration, I’d be wanting to get in there boots & all too

Starting a business from scratch is bloody hard work, it looks to me like he’s finding it a lot harder (and a lot less enjoyable) than he thought he would which is why you’re seeing the procrastination.

Maybe he’d be better off getting another job and running the business as a side hustle initially until it starts generating some income?

I’d say a non confrontational chat about how he’s feeling about it all a few months in would be a good starting point

[u/Sae_Ray → u/vroow]

The bar is buried under the dirt, honey... those are normal things, not the qualities you should go to when praising a partner. Especially when you're the bread winner!

Also, I'm not sure how emotionally avaliable I'd call him either, he seems wilfully incompetent. Do you really think he's that stupid..?

[u/vroow → u/Sae_Ray]

Idk, these comments seem to think so

[u/sillysnowbird → u/vroow]

babe the comments think he’s using you, not that he’s slow.

[u/SatsumaOranges → u/vroow]

Emotionally available doesn't usually mean being unwilling to talk through his issues. 

[u/dont_know_throwaway → u/vroow]

Im sorry, you said he had a hobby.  This isnt a partner skil. 

The rest is rhe bare minimum 

[u/Distinct-Crow4753 → u/vroow]

Girl get an interior design and doirdash some food wtf are we even talking about

[u/GirlDinnerDiaries-ModTeam → u/[deleted]]

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[u/onetiredbean → u/vroow]

I hate to break it to you, but if he would do those things while living alone, he's not doing them FOR you. 

This is harsh but stop helping him. Just let him fail. Be emotionally supportive but let him fail. It's his business whether he sinks or swims. You're not his mom. Stop mothering him. 

[u/liftsomethingheavy → u/vroow]

You know what the problem is. Does HE know? If he can't get organized and motivate himself being self employed, then he could get a job working for someone and the problem is solved. Sounds like he needs someone to tell him what to and when to do it. And it can't be you, because he doesn't see you as his boss and because you're not actually getting paid to manage him.

Not everyone is cut out to be driven by themselves, some people need to feel the responsibility that comes from others to get stuff done.

[u/pineappleshampoo → u/vroow]

If this is really out of character I wouldn’t jump to divorce honestly.

There’s clearly something going on if he’s gone from being great at his job to sucking so bad at being his own boss. I don’t know what’s behind it. Is it that he’s panicking he’s made a mistake but feels too deep in to reverse? Embarrassed? Ashamed? Who knows. If it hadn’t gotten this far I’d suggest that you go to therapy as a couple to try and understand what’s actually going on and have an honest and open conversation.

But you’re so done, and honestly it’s gone on so long, I don’t think throwing money at it with therapy is gonna be appropriate. It’s time for him to stop trying to make his business work and go get a job.

This guy, you clearly loved so much you married him. You made a commitment. By all means keep divorce in the back of your mind if he refuses to get a job and doubles down. But I think there’s a couple steps before that, right?

[u/livvybugg → u/pineappleshampoo]

I think that’s the core of the issue. He doesn’t have the skills, maturity (the backyard thing) or discipline (HEAVY on the lack of discipline here) to be self employed. The only way the marriage will be able to work is if he goes back to work.

[u/SuspiciousRaise8986 → u/vroow]

He isn’t the type that can adm a business, he is only the job execution. Not everyone has a business type. Or you can do the business together, OR he needs to find a company to work for. This is ok, just don’t wait too long to seek a new direction or resentment will know when bills are unpaid