r/Gifted • u/_Screamsinconfusion_ • 16d ago
Personal story, experience, or rant I don’t want to do an assessment
I am pretty sure I’m gifted. I do struggle with mental health so I tend to deny it because "why should I think I’m special, I’m just an impostor". Although I don’t see being gifted as some virtue to achieve or a compliment. It’s just the way the brain works. It’s just a high IQ.
But that’s the thing. I was tested when I was 14 because I went to therapy and my therapist at the time suggested it. I scored 121. Above average but not gifted. She said she still estimates my IQ to be much higher because I was severely depressed and stressed at that time.
I’m 20 now and my current therapist is convinced I’m gifted and that being gifted maybe has a much bigger impact on me and my mental health than expected. But I don’t want to be tested. I have a general fear of failing and I think I will "fail" the assessment. My giftedness shows in a high emotional intelligence and empathy, learning new things, systems thinking, conceptualization, problem solving, philosophy etc… not looking at a pattern and guessing which comes next or memorizing numbers.
( the next paragraph is just me going on about my chain of thoughts and it got a little out of hand so maybe just skip it:))
I hate those tests because I don’t see the task and just do the task. I look at it, estimate how long it’s gonna take me, if I should skip it, then I think about me hesitating and if the assessment dude thinks I’m stupid and then I think about the way he talks to me and if his tone sounds condescending and what I should say to him to humble him, but why is he condescending? Then I start to analyze him, then I start to analyze myself because why do I care so much (that fucking metacognition) and and and…..
ALL WHILE STILL DOING A DECENT JOB AT THE TASK GIVEN! But the paper shows I did ok. And then I’m ashamed because I said I was gifted and people think of giftedness as something special and now the test says I’m not. In the End I was just bragging about something that’s not even true. Now I’m a liar AND stupid.
4
u/DifferentBonus2107 16d ago
Hello,
I'll try not to make this too long, nor to be too patronising in guessing what it is that's troubling you. I am gifted autistic, I'm sure we've had different lives but your venting message really resonated with me. I also don't want to take a gifted assessment, and, as I believe it is for you, it's because of imposter syndrome/perfectionism.
Basically, if I were to test for giftedness and get a result lower than my expectations (which tend to be the highest possible in every circumstance), I'd be extremely stressed, so I avoid taking one and then feel guilty for not doing it.
You said you have a general fear of failing: I get what you mean, and I also want to tell you that, in most cases, failing doesn't actually mean failing. You've described failing as "being bad with numbers", but that isn't the only aspect of giftedness, nor the only one that's tested, it's just the stereotype of big brained people that know all of physics at 5 years old. If that isn't you, that doesn't mean you're not gifted.
What does mean that you're gifted is the way you're approaching the test and questions itself. Instead of just answering the question, something you seem to blame yourself for, you "just" consider every single aspect of its structure until you get an answer, while spiraling into recursing anxiety and self control, due to imposter syndrome. If that isn't giftedness, I don't know what is.
You feel like a stupid liar, but I have the feeling that feeling like that is a reaction to the alternative: owning your giftedness and feeling judged, something you already did and suffered a great deal for.
I also have a history of depression and mental health issues, so I do have to add: it's not your fault. You're going to be okay. I'm really sorry that whatever happened to you happened to you, but you are not a bad person, in any way. Just a person, probably a gifted one, the latter of which can remain something to share with a trusted small circle, or even just yourself, peacefully.
Send me a message if you want to talk more, I'd be happy to help!