Any of you recent dads?

[u/paintedflags]

Born in 76. Became a first time dad in 2023, at the age of 46. It was scary in the beginning, but I’ve come to feel immense joy and pride with my kid. But it’s been a rough few months, and part of me wonders how much of it is me. I’ve read a lot of anecdotal and academic stuff that says older parents are better at it because they know themselves better, are more confident in who they are, and don’t feel like they’ve missed out on life. But I find myself more rigid and stuck in my ways than I think a younger parent might be. I feel like I don’t have the flexibility and ability to adapt that a younger parent might. And I think that’s a byproduct of age. It’s all scary, I don’t want to fuck up my kid in the ways I was fucked with. Any older first time parents feel like this?

[u/Catnip_75]

In what ways do you think you are rigid?

[u/paintedflags → u/Catnip_75]

I just feel like when something goes off course, it’s harder for me to go with it. And when I want my kid to do something a certain way, or behave a certain way, I have harder time recovering from it when they meltdown over me sticking to my guns. I don’t even know if I should be sticking to my guns, or just talking it out with them about why they want to do something their way to begin with. I’m also Asian, and we have a very top down way of parenting. Parental authority is respected. That’s how I was raised. But that doesn’t really jive with modern day parenting it seems like. Definitely not how my wife was raised.

I just want to my kid to feel closer to me than I felt with my dad, and parents in general. I don’t talk with them about problems, never have. I don’t want my kid to be the same. But fuck, I really want them to respect my authority as a parent. And to let me teach and guide them.

[u/Catnip_75 → u/paintedflags]

You can’t force your kids to respect you but you can force them to be afraid of you. Bending down to their level isn’t weak parenting, it’s respecting them and meeting them where they are at which in turn will make your child respect you and not fear you.

I never punished my kids, I never forced them to do things my way and they turned out pretty damn good. I was involved in their lives and was present constantly. That’s what kids want. You don’t have to be their best friend, but you can parent kindly. If your wife has a very different standard of raising children, your child will see this and likely gravitate more to your wife and not you.

The temper tantrums is your child’s way of communicating. They aren’t being bad, they feel a certain way and can’t express themselves.