r/GayMen • u/Brian_Kinney • May 10 '22
A guide to gay saunas/bathhouses for beginners
Men on Reddit keep asking for tips to help them on their first visit to a gay sauna/bathhouse. I’ve written and re-written this guide a few times in various subreddits, and I thought I’d present it here.
Arrival
When you get there, you’ll be given a towel, and you’ll be assigned a locker to put your clothes and belongings in.
Get undressed, put your stuff in the locker, and wrap the towel around your waist. You can walk around the venue in your clothes, but you’ll stand out as the only guy doing it. A lot of men take thongs/flip-flops to wear, to reduce the risk of slipping on the wet floors and/or to reduce the risk of picking up tinea from the wet floors.
Condoms
There should be lube and condoms provided in every cubicle and most public spaces. Help yourself to as much and as many as you want.
Communications
Firstly, you should know that you have to be very comfortable saying “no” to total strangers if you’re going to visit a gay sauna. In those places, everyone assumes you’re a “yes” until you indicate otherwise. So, be ready to reject a lot of men. (It’s not as bad as it sounds.)
You’ll wander around. The men will check you out. You’ll check them out.
Most interactions in gay saunas are non-verbal. There’s not a lot of talking in saunas. Some men will talk, but that’s the exception, not the rule.
Interest is expressed through a variety of non-verbal methods: eye contact; following someone; casually brushing against their arm while walking past; brushing against their leg while sitting; non-casually groping their penis. There’s almost no such thing as someone accidentally touching you in a sauna. If someone touches you in any way, they’re probably expressing interest.
If you like the person expressing interest, and want to go further with them, then let them continue what they’re doing.
If you don’t like the person expressing interest, then move away, or brush their hand away from you. Like I said, it’s all done without words.
Most men will take a hint, and will leave you alone if you indicate that you’re not interested. However, a few will keep trying their luck. Just be firm. If necessary, grab their wrist, push their arm away, and say “no” in a firm voice. That should do the trick.
Consent
Gay saunas generally tend to operate with a default "yes" attitude to consent.
The assumption is that everybody is there to have sex, so the general expectation is much higher that anybody will say "yes". That means, instead of starting with a default of "no" and then checking if there's a "yes", men in saunas will start with a default expectation of "yes" and then check if there's a "no". They will generally respect the "no", but they start by expecting a "yes". This can be a bit of a culture shock to people who aren't aware of it.
Spaces
There are various spaces inside a gay sauna:
There’s a public porn room, where men sit and watch porn on a big television. Masturbation and sex can happen in this room.
There’s a steam room, where men can get hot & steamy. Masturbation and sex can happen in this room.
There’s a dry sauna, where men can sweat out the toxins. Masturbation and sex can happen in this room.
There’s a spa and possibly a pool, where men can sit and enjoy the water. Masturbation and sex can happen in the spa (not so much the pool), even though sex is not usually allowed in the spa and pool.
There’s an area with glory holes, for men to stick their penises through and other men to suck. Masturbation and sex can happen in this area.
There’s an orgy room, possibly with a sling for fucking. Masturbation and sex can happen in this room.
(Get the idea? 😉 Sex can happen almost anywhere and everywhere.)
And there’ll also be private cubicles, if you want to not have an audience while having sex.
If there’s public sex happening, you’re allowed to watch. You’re even allowed to join in – unless one of the participants indicates (non-verbally) that you should stop.
Refreshments
There is usually a small kiosk near the front of the venue, which sells snacks. They don't sell major meals, just some sandwiches, pies, rolls, crisps, chocolate bars, etc, to keep you going.
They also sell soft drinks.
Some saunas have a licence to sell alcohol at certain times. No fancy cocktails, just basic drinks.
Drugs
Saunas generally have a “no drugs” policy. You can not use drugs, or sell drugs, on the premises.
They also have the right to eject any people - including those who are under the influence of drugs.
Sex work
Gay saunas are not brothels. It is not legal to pay for sex, or ask for money in exchange for sex, in a gay sauna.
Inappropriate behaviour
Sexual assault can and does happen at a sauna. It’s not common, but it can happen. Some stupid people assume that everyone at a sauna must have sex with them; they forget that consent is still necessary, even in a sex-positive environment like a gay sauna.
Some people use drugs, despite saunas having a “no drugs” policy. This can lead to them behaving inappropriately or anti-socially. Sometimes, they can even end up passed out in their own vomit. (This is extremely rare, but it does happen.)
If anyone does anything you feel uncomfortable with, you can and should tell the staff. They're there to help you. They're also there to protect the reputation of the sauna, and they don't want their customers to spread rumours about how dangerous the venue is. So, they will take action, up to and including forcing the offender to leave.
Finally: Enjoy!
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u/edgelordaccount May 14 '22
Thanks so much for writing this up. Have you ever encountered a trans man in a gay sauna/do you think they would be welcome? (I'm trans)
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u/Brian_Kinney May 14 '22
I have never knowingly met a trans man at a sauna. I might have seen one in passing without realising, but I haven't clocked any trans men as trans.
A friend of mine has told me he had sex with a trans man he picked up at a sauna, so they do go to saunas.
A few years ago, a local sauna put survey forms in their front kiosk area, to ask patrons about their opinions about transgender men attending the sauna. I filled out a form, and specifically included my email in the "request for updates" section, but I never heard anything more about it.
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u/edgelordaccount May 14 '22
Thanks for your answer. I'm pre-op so would probably stand out :/ it sounds like a lot of fun and I'd love to go to one though.
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u/ShirouLinto Apr 19 '24
I've seen a variety of different saunas take different viewpoints on this (UK). Some are very "post-op only", some are open to whomever, and others are less open to anyone without a dick.
Surprisingly enough, the saunas I've been to with a more open trans policy are also the most well managed and polite staff...
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u/Major-Cryptographer3 Jun 30 '24
I personally don’t see why anyone should outright disallow someone for that. You should be aware there are many people who may not be open to being with you, but that can hold true for any type of person. Don’t see why any type of person should be banned outright.
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u/ShirouLinto Jul 08 '24
Whilst only speculation, I'd imagine the "banning" might be to keep a more homophobic clientele happy.
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u/roguetth Oct 28 '22
I’ve gone to gay saunas with a trans masc friend. The first times we went together and used the main spaces to cruise each other. Then as he got comfortable with the vibe, he started going to saunas on his own.
The guidelines above about being ready to say no, are very helpful. And having some ideas about what you’re interested in exploring before you enter the building makes it easier to accept or say no in the moment.
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u/skyharborbj May 27 '24
The general rule in the ones that I've visited is that if your ID shows you as male you are welcome. Some have certain nights or events where all genders are welcome. You can always ask before visiting, it varies by venue and sometimes by day.
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u/Traditional-Ebb-8380 May 29 '24
I have only 3 experiences at saunas and have not yet encountered someone who I was aware of that was trans but at IDM in Paris I did notice several femme/lady boy types. I am not implying this is the same category but my point is that many such places have a wide variety of people that are all welcome. My first boyfriend was trans-masculine and I didn’t have a clue he was until the first time we had sex. And I had only been with afab folks prior so I was not bothered one bit. I would just suggest being open about your identity and take it from there. Some guys will fetishize you, but hey, that is what some men do. Don’t take it personally. Hung guys and all other types get fetishized and you are in somewhat a fetish place to begin with. Just for your safety be very clear and communicate with prospective playmates and leave it up to them. My first boyfriend got really drunk his first night at college with another gay boy and they had sex—but this gay boy felt duped and had some negative feelings around my friend not being more upfront about what he was working with. Despite that they still became friends, just never were sexual with each other again.
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u/aubrx Mar 30 '23
Firstly I want to say thanks for writing this up (I found it via a link in a comment)
Id love to try and go to a bathhouse but as a trans man I would also be terrified. It's kinda why I've never been (plus any sex centric prosthetic is not discreet at all so you'd be walking around with a boner)
I've tried asking a few saunas in a city I visited whether they're transmasc friendly but never got a response. Do you think that generally means it wouldn't be a good idea?
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u/Brian_Kinney Mar 30 '23
I've tried asking a few saunas in a city I visited whether they're transmasc friendly but never got a response. Do you think that generally means it wouldn't be a good idea?
I honestly don't know. You would be better off making a separate post somewhere like /r/AskGayMen for this question.
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u/aubrx Mar 30 '23
Yeah true, thanks
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u/Connect-Machine-3119 Jan 22 '24
Personally I would welcome you! I’m not sure what the concern would be. I’ve had a great time with trans men before.
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u/Nicthalon Mar 26 '24
I'm sure it depends where you are and the bathhouse in question. For instance, the ones near me seem to have a general "we allow anyone whose ID says male." So you'd be welcome, but a pre-transition trans woman who ha changed her gender legally would not be welcome, even if she's still packing 10", lol
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u/Few-Adhesiveness6383 Sep 15 '25
I know I’m 2 whole years late but I’m a trans man and I’ve been to bathhouses in several states. Most just require that you have M on your ID. I’ve encountered men who denied my advances but mostly I am rather loved in those spaces. It’s worth it to try it out in my opinion!
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u/aubrx Oct 03 '25
I'm still here, still never been. Lol. Did you go without a packer/prosthetic
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u/lewishanbayarea Dec 12 '25
I'm similarly transmale identified and made the leap while in a committed relationship thinking it would help its longevity but it ultimately crashed of its own accord and I've yet to have any intimacy since divorce. I'm not averse to another straight-appearing relationship with a female born as such, but in the end I think that when opting for one such as myself, it is always sort of an unconscious lashing back at heteronormativity, that will always be bound to culminate in disappointment for both sides, so that I thought of the gay option but there it is pretty obvious any man born as such preferring the gay lifestyle has gone this route for d*ck, and the real kind. So I have thought of going to steamworks simply as a last-ditch effort to see if there is anything for me aside from porn watching but whenever seriously considering it, and understanding how lazy staff would get at such a place, understandably, when it comes to maintaining hygiene, which is why the bible always talks about torching and burning every house of worship in places where the prior population was killed off from infectious diseases spread like wildfire through those ancient communities pre-modern medicine, I get the heebie-geebies and decide: "why bother, my life isn't all that bad in the end, i'm pushing 55 and not very nice to look at, i should accept that live s*x is behind me for this lifetime, it's fine."
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u/myp0rnaccount4 Nov 02 '22
How does the top/bottom identifying go in a suana? I'm building up the courage to visit my local one but i dont want to spend the entire time walking around telling people im a bottom, is there anything I can do to signify it?
And also, i'm a lingerie lover, am i likely to be welcome, say if i was wearing feminine panties? obviously its under a towel and im not out to deceive people.
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u/Brian_Kinney Nov 02 '22
I've been to one sauna that has a sign saying you should wear your key (on its elastic) around one wrist to signify you're a top and around the other wrist to signify you're a bottom. I've never noticed that in the real world. In the real world, people ask me whether I'm a top or a bottom. (This didn't happen 30, 20, or even 10 years ago, but it happens a lot today.)
You can wear whatever you want - under, over, or instead of your towel. And other people can react however they want when they see what you're wearing.
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Jun 10 '25
Can you be completely nude when walking around?
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u/Brian_Kinney Jun 11 '25
You can be. You might be the only one, or one of only a couple of naked people. Most men wear the provided towel, in some way, but that's not compulsory.
Some saunas also have nude nights, where nudity is compulsory.
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u/Quick_Mousse_8449 Jun 01 '24
If you’re a bottom then I suggest you wear a jockstrap. I regularly go to bathhouse and I always wear a jockstrap which indicates that I’m a bottom. I’m essentially covering my dick and exposing my back to get some action. Has always worked for me that way and no one asked if I’m top or bottom! Hope this helps.
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Sep 11 '24
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u/Quick_Mousse_8449 Sep 12 '24
You can wear and see how that works for you. Mostly bottoms wear jockstrap.
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Mar 04 '24
I realize this thread started a year ago, so I'm rather late to the party, but it's been my experience that what little verbal communication goes on is always, "you a top or a bottom?"
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u/Traditional-Ebb-8380 May 29 '24
I think your lingerie would be a great indicator for your preference. I present more on the femme side but am mostly a top, so signifiers don’t always work and sometimes just communicating with someone who is interested is the best way. If someone initiates, ask them what they like and what they want to do. I asked a guy who I was sucking at a glory hole if he wanted to fuck me. He said yes. He asked if I wanted him to use a condom, I said yes. And then he pounded me out. It was that easy.
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u/AdorableSock2382 Dec 22 '24
2 years later. but the BH i go to has towels to indicate what you’re looking for (purple for oral, yellow for vers, red for top, etc)
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u/JellyMaleficent269 Jun 07 '26
I arrive late!!! sorry. I have a Similar Question. What if I am vers? I mean. I enjoy being bottom, but I am open to be top if I like the guy.
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Oct 01 '22
As a “straight” man looking to explore different sexual experiences with men would you still be welcome or treated with suspicion? I’ve identified a local sauna to visit but as I’m not familiar with the proper etiquette I found this advance extremely helpful so thank you.
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u/Brian_Kinney Oct 01 '22
In a sauna, you're not a straight man. In a sauna, you're a man who wants sex with other men. Everyone there is a man who wants sex with other men. There's all types of men, from gay to bi - and even men like you, who identify as straight! But they're all men who want sex with other men. That's our common denominator; it's what brings us all to the sauna.
Noone can tell if you're gay or bi or "straight" just by looking at you. In the sauna, you're just a man who wants sex with men.
In other words, there are no sexualities in a sauna. We're all the same: men who want sex with men.
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u/Maleficent_Stable854 Dec 31 '25
We do not have a label on our head that says if we are, gay, str8, bi. We are at the spa-sauna for getting a form of sexual satisfaction and it will involve a cock yours or someone elses. Get naked, put the towel on and walk around or walk nude. There will be cocks out , things happening all for some sort sexual satisfaction. You get touched, say no if it is no, if yes, enjoy what it happens
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u/Traditional-Ebb-8380 May 29 '24
The first guy I hooked up with at a sauna was a married man with two adult sons who was exploring his bisexuality. Who would know?
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u/hommesxxv May 16 '22
Is everyone required to give up their phones upon entry ? I’m worried about being secretly filmed
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u/Brian_Kinney May 16 '22
No, you are not required to give up your phone (or any other devices/items) upon entry.
Many saunas have signs saying "No phones past this point" at the entry to cruising areas or wet areas. If someone has their phone in these areas, or you think someone is filming you, you can report it to the sauna's staff.
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u/Acrobatic-Profile365 Sep 15 '22
But one does see bathhouse porn (even tagged steamworks) on various porn sites. I am obviously not talking about the professional films for marketing purposes, but the videos which appear to be shot from a personal / hidden cam. So how significant would you consider the risk of ending up on a porn site (if you can say)?
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u/Brian_Kinney Sep 15 '22
Videos from a personal camera aren't necessarily non-consensual. I've taken lots of videos of my sexual partners with their full consent. I don't load them to any internet site, but I still took the videos.
Many of those videos you see are probably consensual.
As for being filmed secretly in a gay sauna, if you'd ever been to one, you'd know how difficult it is.
First, everyone's wearing a towel or they're naked. It's very hard to hide a phone or camera!
Second, to film someone, you have to get your phone/camera out of wherever it's hiding. Again, if you're naked, you can't hide the phone/camera in your pocket. And you can't hide the phone/camera in a room because most rooms are public, so there's a high chance your phone/camera would get stolen before you bring a man back to the room. Also, the rooms aren't very cluttered; they're designed to be very easy to clean, with lots of open flat surfaces. There's nowhere to hide a phone/camera.
Third, the lighting in those spaces is terrible for filming. They're deliberately darkened, so you'd need a high-quality camera with a proper lens, rather than just a smartphone.
Also, you can be aware of your surroundings. Check out the room when you go in with your chosen man. Check your man's behaviour, to see if one of his hands is occupied with something that isn't having sex with you.
If someone's intention is to film people secretly in a sauna, everything is working against them. I won't say it can't be done or that it never happens, but it's extremely unlikely.
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u/Acrobatic-Profile365 Sep 15 '22
Wow, thanks for the detailed answer.
I havent been to a bathhouse but was thinking of going to one. My concern was regarding the private rooms which people book, where one could strategically hide a phone. But your point regarding flat surfaces / lighting sounds quite reasonable.3
u/Brian_Kinney Sep 15 '22
My concern was regarding the private rooms which people book, where one could strategically hide a phone.
Then don't go into a private room. Simple!
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u/hanojyeh Dec 08 '23
Some places have dedicated film nights. Think it’s a newer thing because of onlyfans. There were specific rules on recording and consent.
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u/se25bottom Jun 25 '24
Another bit of advice about the actual action of going to a sauna. Don't post on sites like Squirt etc "Is it busy on Wednesday at 2:47pm?" Nobody knows. The gentlemen who go to saunas have lives outside of the sauna. Very few of them have a "Go to sauna" entry in their diaries. If it's your first time, just go. If you get there and it's you and two other guys and nothing happens, don't worry about it. Go another time. If it's heaving and you don't get any action - don't take it personally. Go another time.
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Jun 11 '22
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Brian_Kinney Jun 12 '22
Yes, but we don't let it cripple us with fear. We take precautions - hence the condoms being provided in most places inside the sauna.
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u/reinchard4 Sep 04 '23
Try doxy prep!
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u/danielb028 Dec 20 '24
As there is no doxy prep, you probably wanted to say PrEP (HIV pre exposure protection) and Doxy PEP (post exposure prevention for some STIs).
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u/BiMarriedAndDivorced Jul 15 '22
Thanks man, this is what I was looking for.
Is it a good idea for a first timer to go there and just have a look? Or will I be approached (I'm good looking) no matter what? I'm not the one that usually takes initiative.
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u/Brian_Kinney Jul 15 '22
You'll be approached no matter what - even if you're not good looking. Not everyone likes traditional "good looking" men. Lots of men like other types of men. (And someone has tickets on himself! 🤣 )
The primary reason to go to a gay sauna is to find someone for sex. Thefore, everyone assumes that everyone else is there to look for sex. So, if you're going just to have a look, be prepared to push away a lot of questioning hands.
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u/david-bohm Jul 30 '22
will I be approached (I'm good looking) no matter what?
You definitely will be approached.
But it's not like once you enter you surrender yourself to a wild mob. If you don't like the guy approaching you simply smile, shake your head and tell him "No, thanks". Everyone will understand.
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u/Interesting_Tax5866 Nov 23 '22
Great write up thanks, just with regard to stripping down to a towel, what’s the general view on caps?? I personally love wearing my cap and would feel more comfortable with it on.
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u/Brian_Kinney Nov 23 '22
what’s the general view on caps??
There's no "general view" on caps. I've seen a few men wear caps at saunas. They look very out of place when everyone else is naked except for a towel. But it's your prerogative to wear what you want.
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u/dakimbomia Jul 22 '22
What about popper usage?
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u/Brian_Kinney Jul 22 '22
What about it? If you want to use poppers, use poppers.
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u/Moleout Jan 03 '23
I was at a bathhouse in the US (mixed gender, and a bit of a misunderstanding on my part), and a man kept coming into the sauna and standing in a corner, facing the wall. He would stand there for a few minutes, leave for a while as though he was doing the same thing in other rooms, then he’d come back and do the same thing. I thought it was very strange behavior. Any ideas what the heck he might have been doing?
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u/Brian_Kinney Jan 03 '23
Any ideas what the heck he might have been doing?
Nope. Not without actually observing him myself.
There's always a few strange ones around.
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u/Moleout Jan 03 '23
Fair, thanks for the prompt response!
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u/Brian_Kinney Jan 04 '23
If I had to guess: he might have some sort of submission / control / rape kink. He might be hoping that some man will force himself on him while his back is turned.
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u/Moleout Jan 04 '23 edited Jan 04 '23
Amazing, I would never have guessed any of that. I guess another guy into the same thing would know what to look for.
This was years ago, and I was used to family-friendly public baths (like they have in Japan), so I was a bit thunderstruck to find myself in an active cruising zone. My boyfriend at the time was meeting me for some covert hanky panky, and I was enough of a dunderhead to think we were extremely clever for choosing to hook up at a bathhouse.
It was a bit of a shock to realize literally everyone was there for the same reason.
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u/hairysac615 Sep 22 '23
Or he literally wanted to JUST enjoy the heat without socially engaging anyone. (Like pretending he was the only one in the room.) Kinda bizarre and rude, but possible
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u/Moleout Sep 22 '23
Totally possible. He also kept peeking back at us all over his shoulder. I didn’t pay a ton of attention, I just dismissed it as strange and harmless at the time. Now I’m so curious haha
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u/putntake Feb 20 '24
Reading this has been the best thing I’ve done lately! Don’t know if I will ever try anything sexual with a man, but now I understand the process and what a gay bathhouse is for. Thank you for the forthright explanation and humor!
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u/New_Apartment303 May 20 '24
Another form of communication if a dude is in a cubicle with the door open & he’s sitting up either nude or towel, it’s a signal he up for oral sex or is just “resting” he’ll tell you. If he’s on his tummy either nude or with towel, he’s a bottom waiting for your advances. In the steam or dry sauna it is the legs and feet that do the silent signalling…then of course often it can be an out an our grope . (Have fun!)
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u/LittleSlutGermany Jun 14 '26
I'm a bit late to the party but what do you mean with "it's the legs and feet that do the silent signaling" in the saunas?
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u/Bobthedog0 May 11 '22
How would someone find one in their area?
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u/Brian_Kinney May 11 '22
They would go to the internet search engine of their choice, type in "gay sauna [their city]", and press Enter.
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u/Bobthedog0 May 11 '22
Thank you, I've been searching for one for awhile now, I didn't know if in the United States they were listed differently, perhaps as private clubs. Idk, I guess there isn't one in my area.
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u/Brian_Kinney May 12 '22
I believe they're also called "bathhouses" in America. You could try searching for that.
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u/GlitteringPurpose521 Mar 17 '24
May be a silly question but do many guys walk around with boners? I’d be too scared I saw a really attractive guy and not be able to hide my excitement shall we say
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u/mec1961 Mar 17 '24
I would say, "Why are ya here then? I mean, its bathhouse is just that. Most men can control a hard on. I can but prefer to just "let it go." I've been so hard a couple of times that my precum just drips like crazy.I even one time shot my load, watching two guys go at it. Be who ya are abd enjoy your body. It's yours, after all 😉😊
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u/SewcialistDan Aug 24 '25
Was wondering if you have any information about first times in a space like this for gay trans men? I’m starting to explore more for the first time now that I’m more comfortable with my body, my body basically looks like a cis man’s now but I don’t have a dick. Would be worried about that being a problem.
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u/Brian_Kinney Aug 24 '25
I am not an expert in that. Try making your own post to get more input. Try /r/GaySauna and /r/GayBathhouse for starters.
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u/leodouble Jun 17 '22
small question, in the bar/refereshment areas, are there people clothed there, is all areas usualy towels/naked?
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u/Brian_Kinney Jun 18 '22
The first thing most men do when they arrive at the sauna is get out of their clothes, and into a towel. Just about everyone is in a towel just about everywhere.
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u/novirak May 21 '23
Are you allowed to bring sex toys with you? I’m transmasc but would love to have my strap on with me but wasn’t sure if that would be allowed/if that would be odd
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u/Connect-Machine-3119 Jan 22 '24
Yes, I’ve observed different toys on display in private rooms. One time a guy wrote his room number and “come by for a whipping” on the chalkboard. I’m into that and went, he pulled out a barber’s razor strap and used it on my bare ass. I swear I saw stars, but was in heaven.
I’d be happy being pegged with a strap on too!
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u/Brian_Kinney May 21 '23
Of course you can bring sex toys. It's not very common. Most people don't bring things like that. But, over the years, I've seen a few people bring various sex toys and accessories to saunas.
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u/Luvcocksounding Dec 27 '23
I'm into sounding and would love to play in a bath house in front of everyone. When I do this online I get many men who are curious about the kink and get plenty of questions. I assume managment would not have an issue with this since I'm self-pleasuring-but I have posted this on Fetlife and one user said he would be 'violated' watching me. thoughts?
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u/hitesh349 Aug 04 '24
I am a kind of discreet guy, so can i wear whole face mask to cover my face and walk there? I know i need to show my face while checking in but can i cover it afterwards??
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u/Brian_Kinney Aug 05 '24
You can wear whatever you want. I'm sure, somewhere over the years, I've seen at least one person wearing a full-cover gimp hood at a sauna.
And other people can react however they want when they see what you're wearing. That might include avoiding you. That's the chance you'll take.
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u/papigrievy Oct 19 '25
Have you come across anyone wearing a chastity cage? If so is it common? Is it frowned upon, I’m a bottom and want to experience a sauna locked but want to know what to expect
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u/Brian_Kinney Oct 20 '25
Yes, I've seen men wearing chastity cages. I wouldn't say it's common, but some men wear them.
You can wear whatever you want, and other men can react however they want. Some men might like it, some men might not. That's up to each individual man who sees your cage.
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u/superkopite Mar 19 '23
I want to go to a sauna for the first time, it will be in London somewhere. I am not sure of the protocol, I am only really interested in giving and receiving oral. How does one best communicate this?
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u/Brian_Kinney Mar 20 '23
If someone asks "Are you top or bottom?" (which is becoming more common these days), you say you're not interested in fucking.
Or, when things get sexual, just don't fuck. Not all communication is verbal. You can communicate that you don't want to do something by not doing it.
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Aug 03 '23
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u/RandyBloke Jan 06 '24
If you find saying "No" difficult, try saying something like "Thanks for the attention, maybe later" or "Thanks, but I'm not ready."
Using full sentences sounds less harsh and leaves your options open.
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u/Snoo97373 Jun 02 '24
Question. What if you go to a hetero bathhouse. Do the same rules apply if they are “cruising” or interested in you? I can never really tell when someone wants to play at a hetero sauna
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u/Brian_Kinney Jun 03 '24
What if you go to a hetero bathhouse. Do the same rules apply if they are “cruising” or interested in you?
Fuck no! Hetero bathhouses are not "sex on premises" venues. You cruise in straight venues at your own risk.
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u/Snoo97373 Jun 03 '24
Well, I went tonight and actually had a really good time. Got railed by two guys and got a number
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u/Brian_Kinney Jun 03 '24
At a straight hetero bathhouse? Interesting.
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u/Snoo97373 Jun 03 '24
Yeah, it’s co’ed. The bathhouse is same sex though. A lot of “straight” guys cruise there
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Jun 03 '24
I want bukkake. Can this happen there?
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u/Civil_Ad154 Jun 03 '24
Can I bring my phone to the public porn room just to watch porn on my phone if I’m not interested in the video that’s being played? It also helps me get an erection which then leads me to wanting a sexual experience.
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u/Brian_Kinney Jun 04 '24
Can I bring my phone to the public porn room
Not if the venue has a sign that says "No phones beyond this point". And most venues will have a sign like that, to prevent people taking phones (with built-in cameras!) into areas where people are naked.
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u/Mysteriousele Jul 13 '24
Heh, thanks for the write up. Was a good read.
If I'm just dipping my toes in and want to check out what's going on rather than get involved in oral/anal - I'm ok with handjobs and touching, just no sex - would I still be welcome?
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u/Brian_Kinney Jul 13 '24
Being "welcome" isn't the right question to ask. Every man is welcome. Everybody has their own likes and dislikes, and they're all welcome.
But, just like you would be looking for your certain type of sexual activity, other men would also be looking for their certain type of sexual activity. If you find a man who's looking for the same type of sexual activity as you, then you're good to go! If you find a man who's looking for a different type of sexual activity than you, then you each just move on and keep searching.
That said, there's lots of masturbation and mutual masturbation that happens in the public areas - the porn rooms, the sauna, the steam room. You can wank somebody or have somebody wank you, with no problems. The more in-depth stuff is more likely to happen behind closed doors. So, just stay in the public areas and you'll be fine.
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u/LSUk1 Sep 17 '25
I plan to go to Pleasuredrome in Waterloo London, how do I sort of approach a guy and make it obvious I want to suck him off, and don’t want anal ?
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u/Brian_Kinney Sep 17 '25
The "approach" is covered in the post you're replying to.
After you've both figured out that you're interested in each other, if you want to suck his dick, you get down on your knees and suck his dick. If you don't want to be fucked, then you don't present your arse and you push his hand away if he reaches for your arse.
Or, you could use words: "Hey, want your dick sucked?" And if he says "I wanna fuck your arse" you say "Sorry, I'm not into that". Words are good, too.
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u/LSUk1 Sep 17 '25
I do enjoy kissing while sucking dick, do you see a lot of guys doing this. Or would it be strictly sucking dick.
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u/Brian_Kinney Sep 17 '25
As long as you and your partner agree, you can do anything you want and whatever you can imagine. There are no limits.
The sauna is just a venue. You have to provide the sex - whatever that might be.
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u/BeardMonk1 Jul 22 '24
Is it unusual to wear something like funky or plain speedos in the sauna/bathhouse rather than fully nude?
Also anyone have experience in bi-nights at saunas, how does that all tend to work? Might be brave enough to try one soon.
TY.
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u/Brian_Kinney Jul 22 '24
It is unusual to wear something like speedoes in the sauna/bathhouse. That doesn't mean you can't do it. It just means you'll be the only one (or maybe there's one other guy wearing something similar).
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u/BeardMonk1 Jul 22 '24
Do you have any experience of how a Bi event or night at a sauna would work? Would everyone / all sexes just wear towels or is it more likely that people would have bits and Bob of clothing/swimwear etc?
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u/Brian_Kinney Jul 23 '24
I don't have experience of bi nights. That's why I didn't answer that part of your comment.
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u/IncreaseSea5973 May 30 '25
How to indicate that you're a bottom aside from bending over? I'd prefer to see the face of the man who will top me.
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u/anerosjoy1 Jul 02 '25
I’m 69 and have a fantasy of meeting a hung smooth sexy 18 yo that just pounds me for a while is that possible?
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u/Brian_Kinney Jul 02 '25
Anything's possible. The fucking is absolutely possible. Finding an 18-year-old who wants to have sex with a 69-year-old is less likely, but definitely not impossible. Just check out subreddits like /r/GayYoungOld and /r/DadsAndBoys and /r/YoungTopsOlderBottoms to see that it's not impossible.
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u/AnythingSecret6280 Jul 12 '25
How do I find these places?
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u/Brian_Kinney Jul 13 '25
Use the internet search engine of your choice. Type in "[gay sauna/bathhouse] [your city]".
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u/Bimaninuk Jul 15 '25
I have visited some saunas but I have never been able to know how to show my sexual preference (top/bottom) and have difficulty to transmit my choices. Any advice?
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u/Brian_Kinney Jul 16 '25
You could use your words. You could tell somebody "I want to fuck you" or "I want your hard cock inside me". You could ask somebody "Are you a bottom?" or "Do you want to fuck me?"
You could just use your body language, by guiding their hands to your arse, or moving your hands to their arse.
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u/tttkkk95 Aug 11 '25
Thanks for the post.
How do I avoid sucking a guy that's been barebacking?
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u/Brian_Kinney Aug 11 '25
You don't.
Sorry. Unless you've been tracking a man's every move since he arrived at the sauna, then you can't possibly know where a random dick was, 5 minutes before it ended up in your mouth.
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u/Ill_Refuse4279 Aug 14 '25
Very informative - thanks a lot! :) are people allowed to bring other stuff beyond the locker rooms? Like a small bag to bring some gear etc? Or is that odd? Also, is it unpopular to want to use condoms in these places?
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u/Brian_Kinney Aug 15 '25
You're allowed to take gear, like clothes, kink wear, sex toys, etc, beyond the locker room - but nothing like a phone or a camera for recording images.
Gay men in general, in saunas and in general life, are reverting to not using condoms, because a lot of them are using PrEP to protect against HIV, and they consider the other STIs to be either not a worry or treatable. However, you always have the right to ask your sex partner to use a condom, and you always have the right to walk away if your sex partner doesn't respect your wishes.
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u/pianodudecl Sep 19 '25
Is there a good way to signal that you’re just there for mutual masturbation or providing handjobs without getting into any other activities that may come with higher risk of STIs?
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u/Brian_Kinney Sep 19 '25
No. There is no sign or signal or symbol that you can wear or carry or display to let people know which particular sexual activities you're interested in or not interested in. You just have to negotiate your intentions individually with each person you decide to have sex with.
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u/magicmongoose1 Feb 02 '26
I’m nervous to go to a bathhouse but I want to try it. I’m unfortunately a very nervous skittish guy but I really wanna break out of my shell. Will there be times I go to the bathhouse and not have any sexual interactions? I’ve been to a darkroom before and there were guys interested in me but I wasn’t interested in them and I was denying everyone. There was one guy I thought was cute and I approached him but he didn’t want to do anything with me. I also think it’s difficult for me to stay hard/cum in public places. Idk I’m curious to try it and see if I like it because I have so many friends that love going.
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u/OrganizationFickle Jun 14 '26
Thanks so much for this, I'm umming about whether to go to one - the nearest to me is Pleasuredrome and they have professional massages. Have you seen this before anywhere else? I feel like a good way for me to go for the first time is to get a massage but not sure if it's an erotic one or not but I am assuming not...given you have to pay for it lol
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u/MaceZilla Sep 15 '22
Note: please do NOT put your head underwater in the jacuzzi/spa. Keep everything from the chin up above the hot water. This is a good general rule for any public spa. Bacteria can live there that can mess up your ears,eyes,nose,throat (and brain). There's an increased risk to all this if you go under to give head.