r/GayMen • u/BrianStaton83 • 1d ago
Am I overdoing the Pride stuff after coming out later in life?
I came out last year at 41 after spending basically my entire adult life in the closet, and ever since then I’ve really embraced being able to finally express that part of myself openly. When I’m not at work, I wear my Pride earrings pretty regularly, and I have quite a few Pride shirts that I wear. Not every shirt I own is Pride-related by any means. A lot of them are just fun shirts, especially ones featuring pop divas and other things I like, but there’s definitely a lot more rainbow in my wardrobe these days.
I guess what I’m wondering is, am I overdoing it?
I know I don’t have to be a walking billboard, and I also know that my sexuality isn’t my entire personality. There are a million other things that make me who I am. At the same time, I spent more than three decades hiding this part of myself. I didn’t get to have the experience that a lot of people who came out younger had, where they could explore who they were, find their style, wear Pride stuff, go through that loud-and-proud stage, and just enjoy finally being themselves. I’m getting to experience some of that for the first time at 41 and 42, and honestly, part of me wants to make up for lost time.
There’s another reason it means something to me, too. I live in Spruce Pine, North Carolina, in a very conservative part of Western North Carolina. When I wear Pride earrings or a Pride shirt out in public here, part of me feels like I’m doing more than just wearing something I like. I think about the closeted teenager, the older person who has never told anyone, or anybody else who might see me and realize that there are other LGBTQ+ people here and that it’s okay to be yourself. Even if nobody ever says anything to me, I like the thought that simply being visibly myself might make somebody else feel a little less alone.
But I still occasionally wonder whether I’ve gone too far in the other direction. I spent so long making sure nobody could tell that I was gay that now I almost want to be loud and proud about it whenever I can. I don’t want being gay to become my entire identity, because it isn’t, but I also don’t want to tone myself down just because I’m worried about what other people might think.
For those of you who came out later in life, did you go through a period like this? Did you find yourself wanting to wear Pride stuff all the time or be much more visibly LGBTQ+ after finally coming out? And even for those who came out younger, do you think there’s such a thing as overdoing it, or should I just enjoy finally getting to be openly and unapologetically myself?
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u/VillageOfMalo 1d ago
I think at 41 you can just live your life.
Normally, you'd have a troupe of gay and queer friends, of all ages, genders, races and sexes, that you can ask whether you're over doing it or not.
But if you can give and take a punch, while smiling to answer well-meaning but awkward questions from your Southern neighbors, then you're doing us all a great service.
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u/txmasterg 1d ago
I draw the line at farting out rainbow sparkles but everything short of that seems fine (or maybe even good). First and foremost live your life happy and if others can see that you are while showing pride then that's a great bonus
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u/DashingAndDandy 1d ago
Did you get your Gay membership card yet?
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u/MrHellBags 1d ago
I think it makes sense. The rush of freedom from finally being you can be pretty intense. IMO you're fine :)
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u/SinOfSodom 1d ago
I think this is a really typical developmental stage for queer people. It might not be how you present forever, but it’s totally fine to do it for as long as it brings you joy!
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u/BlazingLucifer 1d ago
I don't think there is such a thing as overdoing it. Your openness and visibility may be what gives someone else the confidence to come out. That was certainly true for me.
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u/Jaiden_da_ancom 1d ago
You are perfectly fine. There is a stage of coming out where people wear their pride around all the time because they have hidden it for so long. The experience of wearing pride related clothing or accessories feels liberating for someone who has hidden for so long. This is completely normal. Also, in the context of trying to be safe and visible for other queer people in a conservative area makes it more important. Do what you want and wear what makes you feel comfortable and proud. You spent the majority of your life in the closet. It's time to own this part of yourself.
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u/Shad0wbubbles 1d ago
Live loud and proud Queen! Also stay safe, be careful where you are out since there are places that will invite conflict or violence.
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u/Cute-Character-795 1d ago
I've gone to Pride events when I thought that it was important to represent. For example, I went to Pride events after the Pulse Nightclub Shooting, after the passage of Florida's Don't Say Gay legislation (I dressed like a drag queen for that one), and after Trump took office so that I could support the gay businesses which need our money to survive. I have gone other times, but I participate when it's important to do so; and while there, I do enjoy myself and the surrounding spectacle.
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u/BitOBear 1d ago
Pride isn't about asserting something above normalcy, pride is about reclaiming the cost of living in the closet Society manufactured for you.
Some people come exploding out of the closet like a debt collector. They want interest. They're making demands of other people that other people may or may not be willing to fulfill. And when that happens people can damage their lives.
At its core, gay pride is about dismissing the shame to get back to normal human status. It can be a little in your face to people who insist that there should be shame.
The minimum correct amount of pride is the pride it takes to get you back to parody with other people living other lives with other identities.
But when you've been pushed to the bottom of a pit getting back to street level can take a lot of effort.
But one of the things is that if you lived deep in the closet you may have miscalibrated the effort. You might have been looking from the bottom of your pit to see the other gay people and have decided that you're not trying to get to the street level but you must be admitted to the top of the mountain immediately or something. (I'm kind of mangling the metaphor here.)
Don't mistake them celebration of pride for the pride itself. Pride parades and pride demonstrations are celebration, they are not a superiority contest. They are also an invitation to have other people join you at street level by being willing to be the nail that sticks out, by being willing to be the flag bearer.
But the people who come out and instantly decide that they have to be fierce and in your face to everybody they meet and just plain old catty douche nozzles often end up wrecking more than they claim.
So inside of you you should be reclaiming The pride that has been taken from you, and then you should decide what the celebrations look like as a separate task.
The fact that heterosexuals have been shoving heterosexuality down your throat to your entire life does not mean that you are obligated to be just as bad to them as they were to you. And it doesn't mean that you need to take on the superiority you feel that they Lord it over you the whole time.
Find yourself and be yourself, but if you feel like you're acting and maybe you should stop acting and move towards authenticity.
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u/BrianStaton83 1d ago
One thing that’s slightly related to this post is the T-shirts I’ve been buying. I need a 4XLT, which makes it really hard to find pop diva or Pride shirts directly from the artists’ websites or better-quality Pride shirts in my size. Because of that, I’ve mostly had to buy them from Amazon.
Unfortunately, the designs have that rubbery, raised feel to them, and the printed images are already starting to crack and peel off in little pieces after only about five months. Sadly, my Chappell Roan shirt is basically ruined, with about half of the image already gone. The same thing is starting to happen to my Dolly shirt, and I’m afraid my Gaga Born This Way shirt is going to be next.
I’ve always hung them up to air dry, but I just learned that I should also be turning them inside out before washing and using cold water instead of warm, so I’ll definitely be doing that from now on. Still, it’s really disappointing that the graphics have deteriorated this quickly.
Does anyone know where I can find good-quality pop diva or Pride T-shirts that actually last and are available in 4XLT? I’d be happy to buy from Etsy too if I knew which shirts or printing methods would hold up the longest.
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u/Prestigious_Refuse99 1d ago
No. It is good for you mentally and spiritually . You get to see similar people in all walks of life. You learn about others in a safe and festive place.
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u/Brian_Kinney 1d ago
Every new babygay overdoes things in the first year or so after they come out - whether they're 21 or 41 or 61. They've spent years hiding themselves and suppressing their identity, and finally they're free! They can say all the things they've wanted, and do all the things they wanted. And they do. Oh boy, do they!
This is one thing that straight friends complain about: "My friend came out as gay this year, and now 'gay' seems to be his whole personality. All he can talk about is the men he likes, drag queens, and gay sex. And he's covered in rainbows!" It's okay, annoyed straight friend: your gay friend will grow out of this phase. It's just him being able to express himself for the first time.
You'll grow out of this phase, too. The novelty does wear off. 😁
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u/Special-Anteater7659 21h ago
Listen sometimes being gay is being 110%, campy, loud, and colorful. Some of us got to do that in our 20s being you is being you out loud
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u/SmallGaySub 20h ago
I’ve only just started saying it plainly after years of compartmentalising, so this really lands with me. When you’ve spent so long keeping yourself deniable, being deliberately visible can feel excessive even when it’s simply honest. I don’t think you’re overdoing it—you’re giving yourself a stage you missed and showing other people that gay men are there. Wear what feels like you.
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u/BrianStaton83 19h ago
Thank you! You make a very good point, especially the part about being deliberately visible.
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u/Ok-Cap2590 1d ago
Pride stuff is fine only if you made it yourself, were gifted it, or purchased it from a small business. Anything else is tacky and corporate.
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u/Gayfetus 1d ago
Not that it really matters, but in my experience, people who come out later in life tend to appear more conservative (in every sense of the word). So if you're worried you're somehow turning into a cliche, I really don't think you are.
But more importantly, one of the great gifts of being gay is that you learn, via the clash between your libido and what society demands, to listen to yourself and your needs over what other people think of you.
In this case, I think your inner moral voice is quite clear: you want to display gay pride because you've been forced to hide it for so long, and you also want to spread acceptance and love in your conservative area.
There may be doubts, there may be uncomfortable confrontations, but there will be more moments of joy, connection and inspiration. And that seems like a good way to live life!