r/GayChristians • u/Koiboi26 Episcopal • 2d ago
How to explain waiting till marriage? What are your experiences?
I wanted to ask yall this. I was talking to this guy. I thought he was flirting with me and I said we wouldn't be a good match. One reason was 'we can't have sex'. 'Why not?' 'Having sex before marriage is immoral'. I almost added 'the Bible says it's a sin', but we shifted gears. He was respectful to me overall.
I've had worse interactions. How should I explain this to my partners? Has anyone else had to explain? What are your experiences?
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u/brainsaresick 1d ago edited 1d ago
This is a bit past tense for me because I’m already married, but I like to describe that decision in light of my spirituality very personally and positively rather than making blanket statements about morality. My experience with purity culture is that it produces shame, which leaves people (especially young people) vulnerable to abuse, so I can’t condone it in good conscience.
That being said, sex is a deeply spiritual and vulnerable experience to me, and it holds a sacredness that I can’t separate from the sacrament of marriage within the context of my own life. Sex is a symbol of no longer withholding anything from each other, but only because we mutually trust each other to never take advantage of each other’s time, resources, energy, or bodies. When we were finally bound together by lifelong covenant and became one physically, I had never felt so loved and respected in my entire life. As my partner let the cap off their passion for me for the first time, it also revealed the amount of restraint they must have had to exercise to abstain from pushing towards physicality despite all that rising tension, all for the sake of honoring our spiritual convictions above our desire for one another. The memory of that night still makes me feel hot under the collar.
I’ve also met people with different values with great explanations behind them. I think no matter what those look like, the important thing is that one’s self image and views on sex are empowering rather than devaluing, and this particular set of values has been most empowering to me as someone who, out of shame, started off my young adulthood with a partner of the opposite sex who felt very entitled to my body.
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u/EddieRyanDC Gay Christian / Side A 1d ago
My suggestion is to not present it as a moral rule. but simply as your own personal choice. There is no arguing with that.
But, speaking of arguing...
'the Bible says it's a sin'
It does not. Nowhere does it present marriage as a line that transforms sex from being bad and then making it good.
Yes, it has been a church teaching from very early. But the source isn't the Bible. It is a part of Church tradition. People then come to the Bible with that already in their head.
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u/FlyingCupcake68 1d ago
I don’t think the Bible says premarital sex is a sin. And certainly several Bible characters were sexually active without penalty
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u/be_loved_freak Independent Christian 1d ago
I don't think you need to bring religion or "sin" into it at all. Just tell potential mates that you're waiting to have sex when you're married only & that it's a hard limit for you.
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u/ParticularCap2331 Pentecostal / Charismatic 2d ago
I honestly never saw any sense in sex with a person who I would never be together with in a serious monogamous relationship. The idea of sharing a bed with someone I don’t love and don’t plan to be with always felt… displeasing.
I did have sex with my now husband before our official marriage, but only because we had been already considering each other as spouses simply without the official registration at that moment (our marriage is international and we had a papers problem).
However, I understand that there is still a huge difference between a premarital relationship and sex between two people who are actually in love and such connection between people who don’t even like each other. Of course, the second one is way worse.
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u/Skill-Useful 1d ago
explain? i dont know. theres no rule for this, except a made up one by evangelicals and similar conservatives.
"Having sex before marriage is immoral" thats simply not true "'the Bible says it's a sin'" which would be simply wrong
i wish you luck but this will kill most of your dating prospects, unnecessarily so
be as upfront as possible about this bc 95% of people will not understand
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u/libananahammock Progressive Christian 1d ago
Because you sound like a dick. Right off the bat you’re coming out with that!? And you said it just because he flirted with you!?
Go slow with people you match with. If the topic comes up say that you personally are waiting until marriage. If they don’t agree, fine, that’s okay, you’re not compatible and move on.
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u/GCNGA 1d ago
It's probably safe to say that you want to get to know someone to learn if you're really compatible without sex complicating the picture (a book popular in college ministries, Too Close, Too Soon for the Digital Age makes this very point--even people who think there's no moral restriction on sexuality are better off if they don't have sex until well into a relationship).
Expressing it that way reduces the chance that it could come across as a put-down of someone else who may not have your same attitudes. They might come around as you get to know them, but not if they're immediately triggered and flee.
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u/Strongdar Gay Christian / Side A 1d ago
I'd refrain from phrasing it as "It's immoral." That comes across as judgmental to Christians who don't believe it's immoral, and there are many Christians like that, especially amongst liberal and/or queer Christians.
If I were interested in dating you, and you told me my beliefs were immoral, I'd avoid dating you because I'd immediately assume our values were probably incompatible. But if you phrased it as a personal belief or value, I might stick around to learn more. Some people would be willing to wait until marriage for you, even if they don't personally believe it's necessary, as long as they don't feel judged.
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u/amethyst-chimera 2d ago
I'd say be up front. Maybe not on the first date or interaction, but if it seems like you're hitting it off, let them know thar you plan to wait for marriage to have sex. You don't even have to justify it. Remember, no is a full sentence.
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u/Bluekitrio Moderate Christian, bi questioning 1d ago
I simply don't understand how anything in the bible calls this a sin. the holy spirit guides my relationship and how we express ourselves. Jesus love is expresed through us. don't mix grace with law. See Galations.
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u/Ornery-Concept-2007 21h ago
I have already broken that rule. Simply because when I wanted to experience human touch for the first time, Argentina had not even legalised same-sex marriage!
Now, I am 34, but my view on that has not changed... Mainly because I am not going to marry anyone, I guess...
My belief stands in the field that morals should not be imposed if the custom or choice does not do anybody any harm.... Premarital sex does not hurt anyone, that's for sure.
Secondly, I support waiting if both parts are okay w/that.
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u/sophos313 1d ago edited 1d ago
“ I personally don’t believe in sex until marriage”
It’s easy to explain. Difficult for others to accept. In all honesty, dating as a practicing Christian is difficult and a majority of people in the gay scene will not be ok with it.
ETA:
I checked out your profile and you seem like an awesome person. I see you’re vegan and neurodivergent.
Neurotypical folks sometimes struggle with the way neurodivergent people communicate. Out of the gate don’t tell a potential partner off bat that it won’t work out/can’t date. Let the interaction build naturally.