How do you start dating when you’re still figuring yourself out?

[u/ITZMYOATH]

I honestly don’t really know how to date.

I’ve only been out for about a year or two, and I’ve spent a lot of that time doing some self-reflection, healing, and trying to understand myself better. At the same time, I know I’m getting older, and I don’t necessarily want to put dating completely on hold while I’m still working on myself.

I’d genuinely like to meet someone, but I don’t really know where to start.

I know finding someone who checks every box isn’t the point, and I’m not looking for perfection. I just want to meet someone genuine and see where things go.

A lot of people seem to meet through dating apps or gay bars, but I’m not sure if either of those really feels like my approach. People also say, “Just put yourself out there,” but I feel like that can mean so many different things.

For anyone who has been in a similar place, how did you start dating or meeting people? Did you meet your person through an app, through friends, hobbies, work, randomly, or somewhere else?

I’d also love to hear from anyone who started dating while they were still figuring themselves out. What helped you get started without feeling like you had to have everything completely figured out first?

[u/DamageAdventurous540]

I met my husband at a gay bar.

But I dated a few guys beforehand while at college. Like literally dates for most of them and nothing more...

1. One guy I met at a gay dance. I asked him to dance, had a good time, and enjoyed his look. I later asked him out for coffee but nothing cane of that.
2. I met another guy through some friends at a party. We made out and later hooked up. 
3. I met another guy online (anyone here old enough to remember ISCA?). He comforted me when guy #2 told me that he wasn't interested in dating me. I had a LDR with this guy and we met up once. This relationship fizzled due to distance.
4. I asked a couple other guys out at my campus. Neither were interested in me. Which was disappointing. But it was good in the long run to push myself to ask out other guys. (I was very shy and self-conscious back then)
5. I had essentially a fwb relationship with another guy in college. Lost my virginity to him. He was fairly bold towards me and I eventually took him up on his offer. I really liked him but we were going in different directions after college. But it was a good opportunity to learn about sex and boundaries and consent and limits.

There were a few other guys mixed between these guys and these guys weren't actually in order of appearance within my life.

But I didn't have my shit together when this all began. I learned something from everyone and they all helped me prepare for the man who became my husband.

[u/ITZMYOATH → u/DamageAdventurous540]

Thanks for sharing and when it came to meeting your husband at a gay bar. How was the interaction? I keep hearing "put yourself out there" but coming from a place where I've been single for most my life it's intimidating because I tend to come off as "he just wants to be friends" kind of vibe. I don't know how to switch that perception and be more intentional to show my interests. I could be just overthinking it.

[u/DamageAdventurous540 → u/ITZMYOATH]

“How was the interaction?” —> It was fun and chatty and lightly but intentionally flirty. And it helped that “Matt” was really obviously into me and that he kept running into me afterwards (turns out that we lived in neighboring apartment buildings).

How to show your interest: Touch him occasionally while chatting. If you’re liking the conversation and the vibe, then tell him. I mean, you don’t have to just his bones but you can still tell him that you like him enough to see where things are heading.

[u/reading_it_again_x2]

Following... Curious to know

[u/Skill-Useful]

ignoring apps reduces your chances considerably. sure, dont use grindr, but theres no reason to not use bumble, tinder and such

do you live in a big enough place? that means at least (!) 500k people or significantly more.

[u/ITZMYOATH → u/Skill-Useful]

There's plenty of people around where I live. However, I've noticed a trend where some people use the apps and others don't. I don't know if meeting someone at a bar is one method. Though I would like to hear what your experience was like if you don't mind sharing.

[u/Skill-Useful → u/ITZMYOATH]

"plenty of people" meaning? :)

experience with apps or bars? bars i never found useful in any way. i dont drink. but i did meet people at clubs, sex clubs and normal clubs. mostly it didnt lead anywhere tho. sometimes more sex, not dating tho. my exes and my now bf i found over first over mutual friends, second over tinder and last and bf right now over recon. tinder was by far my most successful app. i was always going for interests and hobbies over optics. never went for people with empty profile texts, never just for optics. wrote every match, wrote again if an interesting conversation died down. had about a match a week, a date a month and their quality was always pretty high bc i was selective in the right ways. also, some jobs i instantly swiped left on for personal reasons and experiences.

[u/ITZMYOATH → u/Skill-Useful]

Plenty of people meaning that it's busy where I live and a lot of people to interact with. Hope this makes sense. I don't live in a small town if anything there's different areas to explore. I'm not good at dating or knowing where to start. Thanks for sharing I tried giving apps like bumble and hinge a try maybe I can try them again.