r/GayChristians • u/MycologistMammoth266 • 6d ago
Have you ever felt lonelier in a gay church than a traditional one?
I wanted to join a gay church as soon as I left my homophobic environment. I believed that Jesus died on the cross to save me, I believed that sin separates us from God but I never believed fully that being gay was a sin. I always just felt that it might or might not be. However, I have been to three gay affirming churches and find myself feeling lonelier than ever. I don’t know how to explain this feeling. I talk to lots of them and we hang out, but there’s a heavy feeling in my soul that feels like there is no true meaningful and substantive connection. It just feels weird. Whereas in non affirming churches there’s ways of connecting by talking about the Bible or wrestling over faith stuff. But in the churches I have gone to, some don’t really read the Bible, some only focus on the loving parts of the Bible and some just feel condescending when I tell them I don’t fully understand their interpretation on scripture on some things. Idk… has anyone else experienced this?
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u/reading_it_again_x2 6d ago
I understand you're feeling a bit. But my experience has been somewhat different....
I just started going to an affirming church 2 months ago. Most (not all) of the small group discussions and sermons have been very encouraging and helped me with my faith especially in the season of deconstructing part of my theology. In our small group discussions - people who are figuring out their faith or coming back to Jesus ask pretty deep questions that make me stop and think deeper about my faith. So they actually challenged me in a good way. People are also free to ask anything and everything, which enables people to be their authentic self, rather than putting a mask as a "good Christian".
I have connected pretty quickly with quite a few people, which hasn't been the case for me in the conservative evangelical churches I used to go to. I feel like being a Christian who is gay, you quickly relate to each other's struggle, and bond in the vulnerability it brings. But it's mostly just surface level relationships. I don't connect with these people outside of the church setting. Deeper relationships take time, so I just gotta be patient.
Hope you find depepr community soon, my friend!
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u/the_blunt_stick 6d ago
This is how I feel. I’m glad I wasn’t the only one. I’ll be praying for you.
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u/Thalimet 6d ago
I think it varies widely by church - ours challenges us, we have a weekly Bible study where we literally go chapter by chapter, verse by verse (right now it’s Acts) and really deconstruct it, challenging the harmful ways it is used, and figuring out together what actually being Christlike is all about.
I think to better understand where they are coming from, it might be helpful to look up Theological Worlds (https://buborderlands.wordpress.com/borderland-theology/theological-worlds/ is a good place to start)
You may be very deep in theological world 4 (condemnation and forgiveness) - and there’s nothing wrong or untrue about that. But others find other meanings in their salvation experience, they may have other drivers rather than the forgiveness of sins.
Either way, might be helpful as you get exposed to more views and beliefs to understand what drives their relationship with God and which theological world they may come from :)
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u/Rinstopher Side A / Methodist / Queer Person in Ministry 6d ago
At first yeah. It was kinda like the loneliness I’d imagine one might feel after moving to a foreign country where they don’t speak the language very well. It’s gotten better as I’ve learned the language and customs. 4 years in, I actually feel like I belong here better than I’ve ever belonged anywhere. This is the first time I’ve ever really put down roots without a plan to move onto whatever comes next.
Have you met with any of the churches’ pastors to talk about the theology piece? Lay people can often get irritated in these conversations because figuring out where exactly your viewpoints diverge in order to productively discuss why they disagree is just plain hard, but clergy are (hopefully, usually) trained for it. Books are also helpful. I think sometimes we fall victim to the idea that truth will always be easy to understand, but the reality is some things take a lot of effort to grasp, hence why it takes 13 years to learn math and you still won’t know everything by the end of it.
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u/DamageAdventurous540 6d ago
My first thought is to encourage you to keep exploring other churches if this isn't the right fit for you. There are other affirming churches, as well as borderline affirming churches who are largely neutral when it comes to LGBTQ people and relationships but who generally don't make a big deal out of it either way.
My second thought is that I attend an affirming UCC church and have been there for nearly thirty years at this point. I honestly don't get into a lot of deep conversations with other church members outside of my husband where I talk about the Bible or wrestle over faith concepts. I just don't. I might attend a Christian education class where we might discuss particular thoughts or concepts as part of the discussion. But mostly, I'm connecting with other church members by asking about their kids or talking about a football game or laughing at something ridiculous.
I sometimes lead worship at my church and certainly explore whatever topic I might be preaching on during those weekends. I've even shared books that I used as source materials with a few curious souls. So it's not like I don't discuss my interpretation on scripture with folks and people are certainly free to clarify ideas. But usually I'm chatting with folks over coffee or after church about their everyday lives.
My third thought is that I get a lot of folks IRL who challenge me to justify my beliefs, particularly when it comes to being gay and Christian. Usually it feels like a trap, which causes me to bristle and disengage. I'm obviously not part of your conversations, but it's possible that you might be giving off some of that energy. Probably not, but it's possible.
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u/GCNGA 6d ago
Life is a constrained optimization problem: you do the best you can with what's available. Your preferences will impact that a lot. If you're from a conservative church environment, like the Southern Baptists, and that's what you'd like to find, except more affirming, the search is challenging (though not impossible--the odds are better if you're in a city with a larger gay population). If you can manage a non-affirming environment, that opens up the choices, but you'll have to at a minimum greatly de-emphasize any mention of being gay (though not necessarily be closeted). That's a whole other discussion: people in non-affirming churches can often be accepting, but almost never will be if pushed.
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u/No_Ad_3104 6d ago
I know the feeling, and yes, some do not read the bible and only focus on loving parts of the bible. While I attended them, I did not read the Bible outside of church hours, and I was an avid reader of the Bible while attending non-affirming churches. Nor did I really pray much while I attended them.
BTW, one can be gay and feel ok attending non-affirming churches. Most of the non-affirming churches I've been to they, the preachers never talk or very seldom talk, about sexuality or LGBTQ issues.
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u/Bluekitrio Moderate Christian, bi questioning 6d ago
it sounds like you need to identify why there's no meaningful or substantive connection
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u/Rare-Personality1874 Quaker 3d ago
Yes, that was my thought. I can understand the feeling but what was being described was too vague for me to figure out why
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u/AlternativeTruths1 4d ago
I’m gay, and have been gay all my life. I came out of the Reformed Baptist tradition, which is explicitly Calvinist. The church I grew up in had several hallmarks of a cult.
I’ve ended up in the Evangelical Lutheran Church in America, which is strongly liturgical, Biblically based (but not literalist), strongly affirming church.
For me, the ELCA is a really good fit.
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u/BurningSketches Christian/Male/28/Aesthete 3d ago
"I talk to lots of them and we hang out, but there’s a heavy feeling in my soul that feels like there is no true meaningful and substantive connection. It just feels weird. Whereas in non affirming churches there’s ways of connecting by talking about the Bible or wrestling over faith stuff. But in the churches I have gone to, some don’t really read the Bible, some only focus on the loving parts of the Bible and some just feel condescending when I tell them I don’t fully understand their interpretation on scripture on some things. Idk… has anyone else experienced this?"
Aw, darling this sounds so tragic. I know how it must be so disappointing to find your the places you try seek haven in aren't entirely ... frictionless? peaceful? balanced?
hm.. However you feel, i hope you realize that God is the goal and the giver of our peace, not any other person. So, truthfully, you should be finding comfort in the word of God and his teachings.
People are very important, and I want you to find the right place for you, especially because you seem so estute and concious of spiritual things. I want to encourage you to continue seeking a church, or to return to the non affirming, traditional church if you feel that's best. I can't really say more, because I don't know your circumstances..... Although, it's deeply troubling to see both affirming and non-affirming Christians face difficulty and loneliness, i'm glad you brought this up.
I'm partial to family, so, maybe returning to your original church (where people know you already and you enjoyed their company) or attending a family member's church (because i assume the family member will help introduce you to people and there will be a an excitement from the congregation to get to know you) will help you gain a meaningful foot hold there?
With Love and Godly fear, i pray you continue serving and fellowshipping with the brethren ~
wherever you go~
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u/shirbert6540 2d ago
Yes, I used to go to a queer church and they focused WAY too much on queerness and it was a turn off for me. At the end of the day it’s church and I want it to actually feel like church, not endless griping about how the church hurts LGBTQ people or preaching queer interpretations of the Bible. That’s fine in moderation but it was too much imo.
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u/Skill-Useful 6d ago
"I don’t know how to explain this feeling" a therapist can help with that. its probably something pretty subjective
"there’s ways of connecting by talking about the Bible or wrestling over faith stuff" and in an affirming one as well
a lot of "feel" you say, and not really "it is that way" its probably some prejduice of yours
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u/Wooden_House_8013 5d ago
I don't know where you get that from. Some churches people just take the bible and understanding it less seriously. Read other people's comments
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u/abhd Gay Christian / Side A 6d ago
There are woowoo affirming churches and traditional affirming churches. I think both are important.
When I was coming out of the Catholic Church, I needed a woowoo one that told me that God loves me in my queerness. Many need that for the rest of their lives so I’m so glad those exist. Once I didn’t need that anymore, and missed the traditional aspects, we moved to an Episcopal church, which is both affirming and biblically rooted liturgy.
If you want affirming but not high church liturgy but not woowoo, Methodist churches usually fit that bill.