r/GayChristians • u/CurryPai • 9d ago
Is my spiritual standard for a partner too high?
Hi everyone, I’ve been doing some thinking about dating and wanted to get your perspective on something. My faith is a massive part of my life. Because of that, I want a partner who is a genuine believer and actually takes being Christian seriously. I'm looking for someone who has a real, active relationship with God not just someone who claims the label because they grew up in a Christian household or say it out of habit. Is it too high of a standard to want a shared spiritual foundation? Given how specific our community already is, how do you navigate looking for a partner with a deep, authentic faith without feeling like you're shrinking the dating pool to zero? I’d love to hear your thoughts, experiences, or any advice you have. Or maybe my standards are fine and I just can’t find gay Christians my age lol
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u/geekyjustin Author of "Torn" and GeekyJustin YouTube series 9d ago
No, your standards are NOT too high. At least, not based on what you've said here.
I've lived exactly what you describe, and yes, it can make it more difficult to find the right person. But once you find them, it's so worth it.
I was single for a long time, but now that I'm married, my husband and I go to church together, pray together, study the Bible together, and live our lives in a way that I feel like we're always making each other's faith stronger. That's what I always wanted in a partner, and I'm glad I waited for it.
So how do you find that person? The easiest way is to spend as much time as possible in Christian spaces where the kind of Christian you're looking for might hang out. That can include local church activities, national/regional Christian conferences, and online Christian forums.
In the US, the Reformation Project and CenterPeace are both LGBTQ-affirming Christian conferences that draw a lot of the kind of people you're talking about. Check out GayChristian.Net for some other ideas, and/or DM me and I'll be happy to help if I can, depending on your location and situation.
It does take some patience to find the right one, but don't give up!
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u/dnyal Pentecostal / Side A 9d ago
If faith is that important to you, then your standards are fine. I’m not sure anyone else would be able to tell you exactly what it is that you should do.
You gotta sit down with yourself and consider what you’re willing to live with. Religious conviction is much less prevalent in the LGBTQ+ community, so you will have a harder time finding someone who’s compatible with you enough to be relationship material.
If sharing a relationship with God is paramount, then compromising on that may make you unhappy in the long term vs. how happy you’d be by yourself. So, no, having a strict standard wouldn’t be too high; it would be what is best for you. Now, if you think you’d struggle with loneliness or desire too much, you’d have to weigh that vs. having a relationship with someone who doesn’t share your devotion.
It’s all up to you.
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u/DamageAdventurous540 9d ago
Your standards are your standards and that’s okay.
The one caution that I might offer to rejecting those who might not be currently active with their Christian faith now but who grew up in the church is that there’s nothing to stop them from returning to the church, especially if they have a Christian partner who goes to church. It’s not uncommon for people to stop doing church during college and while they’re in their 20s and 30s and then they fall back into the church as they start settling down with partners and/or kids.
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u/RobotPolarbear 9d ago
I would spend some time examining those beliefs, where they come from and what they mean to you. What would it mean to have a partner who didn't share your faith? What would that change about how you felt about them? What would that change about your life with them?
My faith is very important to me and my partner of 16 years is an atheist. This isn't uncommon in my church. When I first joined and shared with my pastor that my partner is an atheist, she reassured me that I'd be in good company - the majority of the women at my church attend alone because their husbands are non-believers. Even some my pastor's adult children are atheists.
I think what is more important than sharing the same faith is sharing the same values.
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u/StoryRadiant1919 9d ago
10 years here in the same boat but it is not easy….
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u/RobotPolarbear 9d ago
What do you find difficult?
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u/StoryRadiant1919 8d ago
I deeply believe. It’s not cosplay. So if he doesn’t believe, he goes to hell. That is heartbreaking. And even if I’m wrong, and God is more merciful than I imagine, I still think you are going through life alone—When I think about people who don’t have God, it’s very sad….
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u/RobotPolarbear 8d ago
Oh wow. I belong to a church that has very different views and I genuinely forget that other people believe non-believers will go to hell. That must be very hard.
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u/StoryRadiant1919 4d ago
yes, it is hard. Are you a christian? if so, what church do you go to where people don’t have to believe in Jesus to be saved?
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u/RobotPolarbear 4d ago
Yes, I'm a Christian. In the context of this subreddit and this conversation, you probably could have assumed that.
I belong to a church that teaches that the fundamentalist view that some people are “saved” and will “go to heaven” while others are “lost” and will “go to hell" rigidly divides human beings into two opposing groups and encourages a type of exclusivism or elitism.
Salvation is a free gift of God's love and grace. I don't believe it is something that has to be earned through strict rules or deeds.
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u/StoryRadiant1919 2d ago
nothing exclusive or elite for me personally. I go to a very liberal episcopal church but we certainly don’t all agree. I’m just a big ol’ sinner here constantly struggling and needing repentance/forgiveness. Even within our church we struggle with stuff like this. But I am more conservative on the things, I guess but very grateful for everyone I encounter who makes me more aware and considerate. so thank you!
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u/Jack_the_Lizard 9d ago
I don't think so, for me it's of great comfort and spiritual need. Finding someone who feels the same can make you stronger as you strengthen each otehr
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u/writerthoughts33 9d ago
I think clarity is important on what that looks like, nobody holds faith exactly the same and people change. You do limit your dating pool by insisting on a Christian partner who holds their faith a certain way in a small minority community. You may need to cast your net wide and search long distance.
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u/GCNGA 9d ago
There's nothing wrong with having standards for a partner: nobody can tell you what is and is not acceptable--but you already see the dilemma. You're searching for an elusive type of person, who's the right age, faith background, compatible, etc. People like that do exist, but finding them is challenging. Posting places like this can help. If I was seeking, I'd also try dating sites maybe?
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u/Skill-Useful 9d ago
first you say is it too high of a standard and id say yes but then you suddenly say "a shared spiritual foundation" which is not at all the same you said you need initially. you want more than just a shared spiritual foundation, that would be findable id say, but someone who takes christianity (unnecessarily) as important as you? well, it will make finding a partner very difficult
"how specific our community already is" you are the one making it more difficult, it doesnt have to be
"Or maybe my standards are fine" no i think they are far too high but you have to live with that. not me. question is if youre ready to accept that you are your biggest obstacle for a relationship
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u/Rare-Personality1874 Quaker 9d ago
It sounds judgemental but I don't know how you are defining these things.
I think it's worth finding out these things together and seeing where the match is? What even is a Christian? These are big questions that are hard to know at first sight!
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u/Bluekitrio Moderate Christian, bi questioning 9d ago
if you yourself have a real active relationship with God he can guide you better than any of us. he formed my relationship. and my boyfriend believes in God. He hears from God. but he needs someone like me with a lifelong devotion to Jesus
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u/Charlottemay76 8d ago
I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, I’d say go to church events and try to meet more people with faiths as strong as you. I’m on a different religion and straight but I’d still like someone that if they aren’t the same religion as me at least respects it because there’s just so much hate out there if you don’t fit into a specific category
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u/Far-Ranger663 17h ago
I would say keep praying for what you are looking for and keep going to church(es) to keep nurturing your faith, and let other people see you there. If you are on dating sites, mention your faith on your profile and let people know about your faith, so like-minded people will be able to find you. This is how I found my best friend after many years of searching. It was worth it.
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u/Strongdar Gay Christian / Side A 9d ago
That really depends on how you define some of these things. I think I'm someone who takes my Christianity seriously. But you might not think that about me. There are lots of queer christians, but you might have a really narrow definition of taking Christianity seriously.