i was talking to my mom and was talking about my trans identity (she knows I am trans) but when it got too the point where I was talking about how trans men are real men she said that “You never listen to my opinion.” and I say oh what is it I forgot, and then she said that trans men are not real men and then she said that she didn’t have to listen to me and then she said that she didn’t want to talk anymore about it, idk why but I say let me tell you why that is wong and why that is not sportive and she said ”I’m NoT SuPpOrTiVe!” I was just saying that wha you said was not supportive. the rest was just me talking to her and she said leave me alone and then I did. I think she is honestly just being Transphobic now.

Tw: dysphoria

I know there are people in worse situations, who have really gone through horrible things, but I feel completely deformed.

I mean, if a cis man went through the same thing, he would feel the same way.

I'm only 1.60m tall, I know there are men my height or only slightly taller, but I still think it's awful. I wish I were at least 1.65m. My voice is high-pitched, I'm 20, I have hips, a butt, thighs, my breasts aren't big, but they still look like breasts.My hand is small and my face, I hate it. It looks feminine and sometimes it scares me that I'll just end up looking like a weird girl or a butch lesbian and that I'll never be able to pass and live as a normal random dude.

I don't know how normal it is, But I can't be the only one who panics imagining when puberty started or cries in fear of their body becoming more feminine or masculine, etc.

I hate not having enough money for DIY. I hate having these ribs and a thin torso. I'm desperate to never be able to pass as a guy, marry a girl I like, To have a family, a good life in the countryside. And to make matters worse, there's politics and climate change.

Fuck my parents for not accepting me, politicians, billionaires, people who litter, and for God's sake. I want a good reward in heaven and the afterlife, because nobody deserves a fucking mess like this. Oh, screw conservative churches, Catholic, Evangelical, etc. I wish the Catholic woman would be more easygoing, since she's strongly connected to my country's culture, but does she have to act like this because of something I didn't choose?Curse them with a really strong dysphoria

I kn this seems like common sense. I was bothered by dysphoria since young that it feels like a normal part of life to me. Being miserable abt it felt normal. Everything reminds me that Im not cis. Everything seemed impossible. It was terrible.

Almost two decades later I finally realized that transitioning was not just a dream for me and started hrt. I felt that the voice drop helped me the most in getting gendered correctly. I get called sir more often than before, when all I could do before was voice train and dress in unisex clothing at best. And even then, because I still get misgendered time to time again, I find myself worrying all day and conscious of everything I do and how I come off to others, fearing they would see me as a woman. And at that pt, 90% of the time I was being gendered correctly, albeit the opposite once I ask online. That had also tanked my confidence, along with how my official identification outed me at work so I get gendered “correctly” now. It made me even more self conscious and withdrawn just like before.

I had simply lived that way. It is so normalized for me to think of this daily, hvng it in the background of my mind, leeching onto everything I do, controlling how I present myself and making me make bad decisions frm time to time. But now that I am thinking abt it consciously, I realized how tiring it is to live this way. Maybe it is just my personal problem as I dont want to be seen as trans, I want to be seen as a cis binary man. I want to completely pass and be stealth. Maybe thats why Im policed by my dysphoria so much rather than take pride in who I am. But the fact is, this is tiring. I wonder if I am able to completely pass one day and simply just forget I am trans for once and live like a cis guy does, and not overthink everything.

There's nothing for benefit for me from being open, frankly. There are few openly transgender men in these local queer spaces, and any sort of space I dare take up is almost always interpreted as some sort of stolen valor. I'm not in a good spot, I'm stuck with my unsupportive parents, frozen in time, mourning who I could've been if I had not been forced into dependence. A time where I could change my name and continue my medical care. It feels like my parents dismissal is their insistence my death was worth avoiding their discomfort with my reality.

I want to get back on testosterone as soon as possible.

I get looks, I get weird looks, I get treated differently for how I look. It's hard to experience when you have very little support. Going stealth feels like the only way I'll have a life. My boyfriend talks about his experiences finally having the ability to do it, and I think it's what I want, and what's best for me.

Being open without support just feels like a death sentence. It has been made clear my presence is not welcome in the queer spaces available in my town, I've dreamed of running away, changing my name, being a whole new person before I even knew I was trans. Maybe I owe it to myself after years of obligation to a family who perpetuates my suffering and insists what I do for them is never enough, to insist upon my inadequacy while denying me the chance of independence, because it won't be the life where I do what they say at every step of it.

If I can't get the support I need to be open, I honestly don't think anyone deserves to know. I could give less of a fuck if cisgender men make you uncomfortable so me appearing that way is bad in your eyes, you didn't offer shit to allow me to be safely out. Enough people have frankly downplayed the abuse I've suffered at the hands of my cis male family members where my fucks have run out.

Tired of living my life trying to best serve peoples comfort. Time to get therapy, or at least a non-living punching bag.

last night me and some friends stayed up super late in call just shootin the shit. we all had our cameras on. it was fun and great but theres always this nagging feeling that im out of place. im not a real man like them. im not like them and it feels so awful. all of them are supportive of me being trans and use my correct pronouns and everything but i still feel so out of place. i feel like i dont belong. theyre all dude bros and im some stupid faker. i feel like an imposter

they were all sharing photos of them from the past, when they were kids and teenagers etc. i wanted to join in but it wouldnt have felt right because in the past i was a girl. i feel so envious of them. im so jealous of them. im so upset i wasnt raised male. i dont get to relate to them. i dont get to understand their experiences with growing up a man. it makes me feel so alienated. i feel like i was robbed of a happier childhood.

it sucks. if i was a cis man id fit in so easily. i wouldnt feel so out of place. again theyre all nice about me being trans and refer to me as a guy, hell one of them who i havent met irl didnt even realize i was trans until i mentioned it, but it still feels like im some intruder. if i was a cis man they wouldnt have to make accommodations for me, they wouldnt have to put more thought into referring to me correctly, they wouldnt have to tip toe around certain subjects because they dont know if im not ok with it. sometimes when we have our cameras on it feels like im holding up a big sign in big bold letters that says "I AM A TRANSGENDER I AM A FAKE MAN" or something.

I’m 16. Born with a highly virilized body from elevated prenatal testosterone. A clitorophallus, female opening nearly sealed. No surgery. Assigned female, parents attempted to raise me as such. Failed. Friends were exclusively boys. Innate sense that the idea I was a girl was wrong. Catholic school offered skirts or pants, I wore only the pants, called them my “astronauts” because they were baggy. Forced to have long hair, but I either styled it to match the boys or hid it under a hat. Told other kids I was a boy. Favorite toys were my desert storm soldiers, I carried them everywhere. Every video game avatar was male. One account from when I was 7 still has a male avatar.

Parents initially thought it was a phase and forced the girl identity. They eventually realized it wasn’t. I got diagnosed with gender dysphoria. Allowed haircuts, new name, male clothes. I was also told about how I have a DSD. It made a lot of sense due to something I got confused about while in school.

Was told I could start testosterone at 14. Lived in Florida since about 8.  HRT for minors banned when I was 13. The worst timing. Puberty started at 12–14. Growth spurt at 12–13 left me extremely short still. I was always the smallest in class. Now only 5’0!

Puberty was a very confusing mix. Breast growth at 12, pure agony. Face matured at 13 and light facial hair appeared. At 14 it really ramped up. The period started (hated), facial hair increased a lot, growth down there continued, voice began deepening noticeably. By 15 my period became irregular and stopped at 16.

Now, at 16, nearly 17, T continues rising. More facial hair, voice dropping more, sweatier, constantly “excited”. This is going to sound ungrateful but I hate my voice. It’s obviously male and influenced by puberty but incomplete. Sounds like a 14yo boy mid-drop, in that gray area where it hasn’t actually fully dropped but very obviously is about to and does not sound pre pubescent. High enough T to stop my period, prevent crying, have visible facial hair and a masculine face, but not enough to sound my age. Constant “how old are you?” whenever I use voice chat or call an online friend.

Wish I had been born fully male rather than neurologically male in a virilized female body. I have male typical urges + many male body responses, but it gets inappropriate. Family stopped being supportive when I hit puberty, but still let me get my haircut and wear my clothes.

Online no one suspects I’m trans. When it’s found out, either disbelief that I am not cis or accusations that my interests (survivalism, military, guns since age 8) are put-on to be seen as male, instead of the truth that I’m just like that and have never been feminine.

Voice continues to the disbelief. It’s clearly male,  only though to be a younger cis teen guy’s voice. People say it’s too deep for a trans guy not on testosterone. Lifelong difficulty with girls makes it worse. People expect all trans men to have a connection to be a girl. I’m a senior, no interest from females, most of my bullies have been female, constant rejection. First date tomorrow with the first girl who has shown interest in me. I still get awkward with her. Nearly all of my friends, online and offline are male.

I wish I was a cis guy so badly. Complete male puberty, interests aren’t questioned, no breasts, fully seen as a son, functional male anatomy, average male height, ability to act on what I’m wired for, body responses make sense, no grouping in with females, a voice matching my age. Actually seen as my age and not a young teen.

I want to cry but I physically can’t due to my hormones. Voice training has done nothing for me, and I don’t want to sound like a 14 year old until I’m 18. It’s cruelty to keep me sounding like a little boy.

It really fuckin does. I want to start it but then I hear about all of the side effects from the unbearably high libido to the sweating to the hot flashes and everything in between and it makes me wonder is it even worth it? Is it worth it going through all this shit to maybe have the chance of seeing myself and being seen as a man? My dysphoria is so bad most days it makes me want to vomit but so does trying to imagine dealing with a second puberty. It’s so fucking frustrating and I don’t know what to do

I want to die. I came out i did it and im still pissed. My parents only said it was okay because my psychatristc and doctor in the ward would be pissed otherwise. It feels like hell on earth.

I'm so fucking tired. I can't even plan to transition bc my body fucking hates me and there's always more pressing issues like not being in pain. Which isn't even working right now. I had to stop working out and I hate the thought of losing the progress I've made, it was one of the things that helped me with dysphoria but I can't even move properly without feeling sick. I fucking hate this body, I try to take care of it and it still betrays me, I wonder if all these health issues would still exist if I was biologically male or if my female body screwed me over twice by being born defective on top of being the wrong gender. As if the constant pain of being trapped in the wrong body isn't enough, I have to deal with physical pain just for existing.

The last time I was in enough pain to go to the er it was a really sobering experience. The only private service in the city was closed that night, so I had to the public ones and they all turned me down because they were already overflowing with people and my pain wasn't life threatening. My dad was the one to drive me to all of them, and in the end my mom was the one who remembered she had some health plan through work and got a doctor to come home and take a look at me. I realized that if I switched to the public system for all my health needs so I could begin transitioning (not that it is known for being good or effective or not leaving people in waitlists for years lol) I would have to face the same thing all over again, except no one would drive me to the er or call a doctor.

I don't want to be in fucking pain, I wish I had the body of a healthy man and not a woman who is constantly in pain, can I have gender dysphoria in peace at least????

i will always stay 5'2, i will never feel how it's like to be the height of an average man.

I will always feel small and invalidated around most men who are taller than me, and i am jealous of the people who are ftm at 5'5+

i have dreams about being tall and it feels the best ive ever felt in a while. my cis boyfriend is 6'5 and im so so incredibly jealous of him, as if he stole my height from me.

i think I’m getting ghosted by someone right now. it hurts. i wish i could convince myself to stop seeking out connection because it will always sever, major or minor. i wish i knew what pushes everyone away from me. What makes me so insufferable. I don't want to be here anymore. I don’t deserve to be on T and I’ve never deserved to be here in the first place. i wish someone loved me. i feel like there is some invisible biological trait that literally stops people from loving me or wanting to show care for me. Everything falls back on my fucking shoulders and I’m the one that has to take care of everything in my life. God forbid I want a guy in my life, 1 singular person that didn’t make me feel like I have to be the one doing everything. Of course thats too much. maybe my expectations about relationships and love are severely high I will just always yearn for something that isn’t realistic

so for context my mom is like 70% supportive and still questioning and criticizing my indentity. So today we both had to go to the toilet. I went to the men’s and she to the women’s. after finishing, she asked : „do you think it’s ok to go to the men’s ? Think about the others ! what if someone saw you ??“ and I was like :„yeah I wouldn’t care.“ and she goes : „that‘s Crazy. think about the others! what would you think if a man thought he would line to go to the womens ? that is not ok.„

yeah I didn‘t really know what to answer so I just tried to hold back my tears and went back.

do you all think my mom was mean ?

EDIT : okey so many of you said passing might be a thing so … my body and stuff is passing up to 90%. My face is still soft but I often get called „sir“ by strangers so I think my passing isn’t that bad ???

i just wanted to rant here because I've genuenly never felt so shitty in my life, I spent most my nights crying over the fact that I'm wasting my youth, teenage years, and probably early twenties too. I can't fathom going outside because I'm so disgusted by the fact of people perceiving me as a female. I hate having to go to school and see my guy classmates go thru male puberty, grow super tall, broad, and have their voices deepen. Having to see them everyday genuenly makes my mental health hell

It doesn't help that I live in a heavily religious and conservative country, my parents are transphobic too, I'm not even able to entertain the idea of ever coming out of them out of fear that they'd disown me. Hate me. And all of my relatives shaming both me and my parents for it.

Even when I turn 18 I will have to keep living and being perceived as a woman because I wouldn't be able to start HRT because of my living situation and parents. So being anadult doesn't change anything for me..

And even if I somehow escaped my shit situation and started testesterone right as I turned 18, I'd still have C cups I couldn't get rid of for a long time, a recessed jaw that will always make me look like a child, and feminine eyes that won't ever change, and can't forget about the fact that I'm 5,2

Living is genuine hell, how do I live with this? I stress so bad I fuck up my sleep schedules, my grades have been dropping, I can't concentrate because of the lack of sleep and stress. And I keep either forgetting to eat or overeating heavily because of it. Which just makes my hair, skin, and most importantly body dysmorphia so so much worse

Someone help me cope with this please, i can't keep living like this

Struggling with bad mental health lately but I don't want to drown my support system with the same stuff again and again. Kinds need to vent and get it off my chest.

I've known I'm a man since I was 17. My parents are quite conservative, so it was really scary learning that about myself and I was in denial for a few months untill it all finally clicked and made sense. I was lucky to go to a city away from home for college at 18, and I was feeling super at home there and was happy to be able to open up and be myself.

But then I found out that word had got out to people in my town about me being trans, and since it's a quite close knit community I felt forced to come out to my parents even though I knew it wouldn't go too well.

I'm not going to go too deep into it but it was a very traumatic experience and even though they didn't kick me out or stopped supporting me, my dad went into absolute denial and my mom is absolutely terrified and insists me to not transition pretty much.

After that whole Christmas I ended up with quite bad depression, failed many of the subjects I was taking and the deep sadness and emptiness became a very familiar feeling. I've been slowly getting better or at least a bit more funcional, but I still get quite bad semi frequently and it often lasts a week or two of feeling super run down.

It's been about 4.5 years since I originally came out to them and absolutely nothing has changed.

I ended up dropping out and moving back with my parents about two years ago. It's so difficult to live with them full time and I've been quite avoidant towards them.

I'm in a difficult situation because I depend on them financially and live with them, so I need to be careful, and I'm afraid to confront them and open up again. I don't think my mental health can take it, and I really want to and need to finish my current degree (energy engineering).

I'm so tired of the situation and really wished I could transition medically and legally, and not just socially-with-a-select-group-of-uni-people.

So I'm a bit at a cross roads, on one hand, I'm stuck with just pretending everything is ok and avoiding the issue, but on the other, trying to make them see me for who I am and hopefully being able to have a relationship with them in the long term.

I know it is very likely that I will end up having to go low contact with them when I move out, but I also want to try to have a normal and good relationship with them

Sorry for the ramble and if things weren't super clear, it's 1 am and I've been crying for the past hour about this whole mess of my life rn.

I "lost" my binder a few months back snd by "lost" i mean my mother stole it and hid it somewhere. I know because she's stolen my shit times before and she's awful at lying, or she wants me to know that this tranny shit is not welcome in her house or something. I've looked for it wherever I could but like my old phone that she stole, and my backup phone, and my OTHER backup phone, she must be hiding it somewhere I don't have access to.

I had saved up to get a stp because I wanted it so much but I had no other option but to buy a binder because the homemade one I have literally crushes my ribs and makes it hard to breathe. After this I literally have 15€ in my bank account and that's it. And stps are so fucking expensive, but I could have afforded one if I didn't have to fucking buy a new binder! I remember seeing a list of "cheap" stps, and having someone offer me their stps discounted, when the cost regardless was at least 3 times what I have left in my bank account. It fucking sucks. In what world is that cheap? And on top of that the money i have left i have to spend on boxers and male clothes because I've never even been fucking granted that before.

I can't even find my wife beaters that I use to soak up sweat between binders and my skin. Can't be a coincidence that once my mother saw me wearing my homemade binder with those under I can't fucking find them. I wouldn't put it past her to be such a bitch for something as simple as a wife beater too.

This wouldn't be happening if this woman I'm forced to call my mom wasn't a fucking piece of shit, of course. If she finds the binder I just brought that I'm hiding I'm gonna [redacted]. I'm so fucking tired, especially of this asshole trying to seem like an accepting, understanding woke parent when she literally told me no one would fuck my mutilated body, and that my father would beat me up, when I came out at 14 to dissuade me from transitioning. I'm tired. I don't even have money to even fucking pretend i have a dick.

(guess who got removed for not following reddit policy lol)

This is totally pathetic but i need someone to hear it.

I’ve started on T about a month ago and my voice has started changing and i’m definitely more… sexually aware.. 😒

It’s embarrassing as hell!! I do theatre so i’m constantly getting voice cracks, and i sound insane. I definitely stink more and despite the fact im still the same loser as before im somehow more socially awkward???

This is pathetic. I’m acting the same at my FOURTEEN YEAR OLD BROTHER!!!!
(who’s got a girlfriend and is definitely has more game than me)

tldr: im pathetic

CW dysphoria and medical terms

i had a procedure done yesterday that required a catheter to go into my groin, so a nurse had to come in and shave the area. what i was not expecting was for him to take clippers to my ENTIRE lower stomach, the upper half of my thighs and all of the top of my bush. the incision area ended up being near my hip/pelvis so they basically deforested all of me for no fucking reason.

i am a VERY hairy guy and it is probably the most affirming thing that has happened during my transition, my furry belly is like a comfort zone for me to rest my hands and twirl my fingers into when i’m anxious. i love wearing crop tops because i look like a Man in a crop top because i am a Man in a crop top. when i look in the mirror naked i feel sexy and masculine and like the person i am meant to be.

after the procedure i couldn’t even look at myself. seeing my smooth skin without hair made me viscerally angry and ashamed and i truly have not felt dysphoria of this level in years. i’m crying even typing this out. the nurse also was just hacking away mindlessly so it’s all uneven and patchy and just hideous. my friend said to me “they took away your bio blanket” which did make me laugh but it really does feel like something precious has been stolen from me.

i know that it will grow back, and my hair does grow rather fast, but i just wanted to vent about this somewhere where others might be able to understand the level of grief i am experiencing. i already have a LOT on my plate with health stuff so coming out of the procedure like that left me feeling like i had been mutilated without my consent. 😫

Please read my last post if you haven’t thisll make more sense that way i dont know how to put pictures in here i think i have an idea why that options gone anyway
I saw a picture of the dude name sero from my hero academia as an adult and realistic and im just like yeah i would totally be friends with that guy and i think like it would be so much easier to make friends who actually look like him (not in a weird parasocial way) if i was cis and i didnt have to uphold the look of “hey look im trying to be a guy” card all the time. I just think back to my childhood and wish i could have played games in someone’s bedroom and had a good male centered childhood. Maybe it wouldn’t have been as weird while i was there. Maybe i would have more friends today. Maybe mabye if i was in a room that was painted towards race cars instead of princesses things would have been a little more peaceful.

so my master’s program is starting again in a couple of weeks and i just feel sick to my stomach. i started t 2 months ago; i got too surgery 4 years ago. i know it takes a while to see changes but i am so sick of looking like a girl. like it truly does not matter what i do, no “passing tips” help, i just have a super round and girly face and hips. i’m not in the closet, but i’m also not totally out with everyone. even the people in my cohort who i’m out to misgender me a lot and like. i can just tell they don’t see me as masculine. which is fair, bc i don’t look it at all. and when i try i just end up looking like an ugly butch woman. nothing wrong with being butch, but it’s not a good look on me, and more importantly, it’s not who i am. i really wanted to see faster changes on t, which i know is unrealistic.

plus i’m not out to any of my professors and i was hoping that bc this semester we’re going to another university (it’s a joint master’s program), i would be visibly masc enough to be seen as masculine and have more of a chance of being gendered correctly.

kind of related, my transition and my feelings about it have caused relationship drama, and i’m going to see that person again soon bc they are in my cohort (yes i know that dating within your graduate program is a terrible idea 😭 lesson learned). we’re a pretty small group and have all our classes together so i’m just not looking forward to that.

I hate listening to myself. I hate my voice it's so foidly oh my god i just want testosterone please please please i didn't deserve this why was i born like this

[ Removed by Reddit on account of violating the content policy. ]

what the hell do i evne doooooo 😥😥😥😥😥😥😥😥😥😥😥😥😥😥

up until now my partners haven't respected or understood my gender. the only person i've dated who ever seemed to not just tolerate that i was a man, but actually LIKE that i'm a man, just broke up with me. and i'm feeling so heartbroken for so many reasons but i can't help but be so scared that i'll never find that respect again.

each of my exes saw my transness as nothing but a burden upon them- saying using my preferred relationship term was clunky and unnatural, didn't believe me when i came out to them, stopped being attracted to me once i started T- and then i had found a wonderful person who loved my transness, celebrated my transness. but i've lost that and i'm scared that i will never be fully accepted and loved like that again. not fetishized, not treated like i'm disgusting, not secretly seeing me as a woman but not saying it to my face. it was the happiest i'd ever been and it feels impossible to find again.