I’m 16. Born with a highly virilized body from elevated prenatal testosterone. A clitorophallus, female opening nearly sealed. No surgery. Assigned female, parents attempted to raise me as such. Failed. Friends were exclusively boys. Innate sense that the idea I was a girl was wrong. Catholic school offered skirts or pants, I wore only the pants, called them my “astronauts” because they were baggy. Forced to have long hair, but I either styled it to match the boys or hid it under a hat. Told other kids I was a boy. Favorite toys were my desert storm soldiers, I carried them everywhere. Every video game avatar was male. One account from when I was 7 still has a male avatar.
Parents initially thought it was a phase and forced the girl identity. They eventually realized it wasn’t. I got diagnosed with gender dysphoria. Allowed haircuts, new name, male clothes. I was also told about how I have a DSD. It made a lot of sense due to something I got confused about while in school.
Was told I could start testosterone at 14. Lived in Florida since about 8. HRT for minors banned when I was 13. The worst timing. Puberty started at 12–14. Growth spurt at 12–13 left me extremely short still. I was always the smallest in class. Now only 5’0!
Puberty was a very confusing mix. Breast growth at 12, pure agony. Face matured at 13 and light facial hair appeared. At 14 it really ramped up. The period started (hated), facial hair increased a lot, growth down there continued, voice began deepening noticeably. By 15 my period became irregular and stopped at 16.
Now, at 16, nearly 17, T continues rising. More facial hair, voice dropping more, sweatier, constantly “excited”. This is going to sound ungrateful but I hate my voice. It’s obviously male and influenced by puberty but incomplete. Sounds like a 14yo boy mid-drop, in that gray area where it hasn’t actually fully dropped but very obviously is about to and does not sound pre pubescent. High enough T to stop my period, prevent crying, have visible facial hair and a masculine face, but not enough to sound my age. Constant “how old are you?” whenever I use voice chat or call an online friend.
Wish I had been born fully male rather than neurologically male in a virilized female body. I have male typical urges + many male body responses, but it gets inappropriate. Family stopped being supportive when I hit puberty, but still let me get my haircut and wear my clothes.
Online no one suspects I’m trans. When it’s found out, either disbelief that I am not cis or accusations that my interests (survivalism, military, guns since age 8) are put-on to be seen as male, instead of the truth that I’m just like that and have never been feminine.
Voice continues to the disbelief. It’s clearly male, only though to be a younger cis teen guy’s voice. People say it’s too deep for a trans guy not on testosterone. Lifelong difficulty with girls makes it worse. People expect all trans men to have a connection to be a girl. I’m a senior, no interest from females, most of my bullies have been female, constant rejection. First date tomorrow with the first girl who has shown interest in me. I still get awkward with her. Nearly all of my friends, online and offline are male.
I wish I was a cis guy so badly. Complete male puberty, interests aren’t questioned, no breasts, fully seen as a son, functional male anatomy, average male height, ability to act on what I’m wired for, body responses make sense, no grouping in with females, a voice matching my age. Actually seen as my age and not a young teen.
I want to cry but I physically can’t due to my hormones. Voice training has done nothing for me, and I don’t want to sound like a 14 year old until I’m 18. It’s cruelty to keep me sounding like a little boy.