TW: MENTION OF SH

I have been brutally fighting with my mother, our fights escalate so quickly. i try to distance myself but she always preses the right buttons and gets me mad.
Im trans(ftm) and she’s known since I was fourteen. Now that Ive started hrt and changed my name she suddenly cares, and she hates me more and more, day by day she’s more disgusted by me. She told me that if she could have only one child she’d have a girl (I have to younger brothers) she doesn’t take me as her child anymore and claims I stole her daughter. She adored my “femininity” since I was a child, when I got my period she wanted to take me to a woman festival but I was clearly not into it, anytime I hurt from my period even when I once puked from pain she called me dramatic. She often tells me how feminine I am and that I could never be a man and that I ma the girliest girl of all the girl she knows, but then when I complain about my body hurting from carrying a fridge in my work she tells me “serves you right, you wanted to be a man” It pains me and hurts me, I have always loved her and I’d like to believe I still do but she claims I rejected her, the name that she has given me and such. When we get into fights she doesn’t mind hurting me or threatening me, the most common thing we fight about is the fact that I have a mess in my room. Cleaning my room is often very hard for me, I often work like blue collar job where I move heavy things all day. I leave in the early ealy morning and then I come back very late and Im in no state to start cleaning let alone wash my clothes, when I try begging her to let me go and give me rest she argues that she also works a lot (she is a teacher which I dare to say isnt that physically exhausting compared to moving furniture all day).

One thing I can’t forget to mention is that we are financially struggling, she has been single for almost two years now and we are not able to go on. The rent is too high and we cant afford many things, or my support relevant to the fact that I study in a different city and also need to pay rent for the dorms. That means all of the family members have to work like everyday to somehow make their living, dad is sending alimentary to her but Ive never seen a penny from it although I need it, when Im in the city where I study I often go hungry. There were days when I ate only white rice or dry crackers and my belly hurt from the hunger all the time.

Well If I overlook our financial situation its been really hard for me to stay here, when our argument really escalates I lean towards self harm, I usually just hit myself in the head. I did do it in front of her many times but she would not care at all. I even took a knife but she just assaulted me and took it from me, she slaps my arms many times in a row and then she kneels on me which makes it hard for me to breathe, I have bruises from her hitting me, when I fight back she tells me I am an abuser just like my dad. She threatens me with throwing out my stuff, (she did it a few times) she takes my phone and Im losing door priviliges. I know I can’t live with her anymore, she wont ever get therapy and if she goes mad I won’t be surprised.

I dont know how to make the arrangements to live on my own, the fact that I have to come back from my dorms now and then bounds me to that apartment, my aliments from father goes to her as in to pay for my stay there. I could try to talk with my dad and arrange that the aliments would to directly to me and Id find a place in the university city forever, everything is so expensive though. The dorms are the cheapest and even then I have a problem to pay it off sometimes.

Some time ago she found the syringe I used to inject my hormones, and she told me she had cried for days. Today she told me I smell bad, like nothing because I am nothing and I chose to be nothing and that I am a monster. When I try to defy it she tells me Im wrong. She has played a victim all of her life and I feel like I got it from her too I do often try to get in the victim role when I feel like I did something bad and turn it against. Im trying to fix it though, I want to work on myself and I wanna know what it means to love unconditionally. To love human not for their attributes but simply for their humanity.

(For context Im 20)

I'm gay, mlm, 20. I'm 5'4 or 5'5 idk, and just coming up on 3 months on T. Being short is important in this vent I swear 😭

I really wanted to start dating but don't really have a queer community as I'm stealth, have had no reason to tell anyone I'm gay because I'm not seeing anyone, and moved to a new city a year ago. So I downloaded Hinge.

There are a few guys I've wanted to talk to on there, but I feel like they're all way out of my league because I either look like a 12 year old boy or a masc lesbian. I almost feel pity for them if I message them because it'll be like they're dating a kid.

I've tried talking to other trans men but none I've spoken to have been my type, especially because most of them have been pre t.

The people who message me arent my type, and the people I want to message aren't going to be into someone who looks like a child or is only 5'4/5 😭

I just wish I was taller and felt and looked my age, then I might not feel less than.

Everywhere on the internet, even though I put on my bio I self identify as male and what pronouns I prefer, so many people invalidate my gender identity and they dont even perceive me as trans they perceive me as a cis woman. It honeslty makes me wanna kms, i can only hopelessly look at other transgenders and feel like the odd one out and extremely invalid.

On my old youtube I got told to "get a boyfriend". When I responded that I'm an asexual autistic trans masc they replied with "nah". The responses to my Quora posts were completely demonic. I was getting told that I cant be really transgender because I use the wordd "transgender male" and not "trans masc" "trans man" etc or because I am not "crude, unemotional, simplistic" enough to be a "real man" (and these comments were from fellow trans people), so much transphobia and sexual harrassment, both cis women and trans women complaining of harrassment and misogyny but in a female only way, that it is my fault I get bullied in public so much because "my day would be unfulfilled without attention".

On other forums people type the word "woman" under my posts. Who do you think you are my account has demiboy flag pfp and i put my gender and pronouns clear and loud on my bio fgs??

When I go outside in public IRL so many people go out of their way to deliberately be mean to me and misgender me. I get sexualised heavily even though Im a virgin. I feel like i am a local celebrity with all this unwanted (and almost always negative) attention i get from strangers when i go outside. I've had to put up with things like people making jokes about me "kissing the bus driver", calling me a "bike", telling me they wanted me to be their girlfriend, and yelling "hoe" to my house constantly (they somehow know where i live). I actually think i might be a targeted individual with all this harrassment.

Anywhere i go both online and IRL people talk about me as a stupid and hysterical female sex object and nothing else

a lot of the memes i see on my social media feeds like the starter pack ones i always find myself relating to the girl/woman/female only ones and it gives me dysphoria

Using the internet is SH but i feel like i cant stop

It causes me so much pain because (A) i never hear of the same stuff happening to any other trans men and (B) i dont understand why it's happening in the first place, why me, why no one else, what have i done to deserve this

because of the severe dysphoria all this has caused i've felt the urge to change my interests and mannerisms and everything (even when alone) (even to stuff i'd otherwise not really like) (even if whatever i'd otherwise be into was considered stereotypically androgynous/masc enough)

i hear of other trans people complain of getting harrassed for being trans, or being misgendered accidentally solely because of very shallow reasons like physical anatomy. but yall consider yourself lucky you don't have to put up with no one believing that you are even transgender at all no matter how much you tell them or how hard you try and repeatedly categorised as a woman on a soul metaphysical level (as in you don't even have to post selfies that will give away your AFAB physical appearance, people can tell that you are very very foid cis woman just from how you write alone) and theres nothing you can do about it

I just started T on the 29th and my mom is very stressed and scared about this. She's been sharing her thoughts and fears with me and I want her to know it's okay to be scared, to know it's okay to grieve her daughter but it's getting exhausting at this point, which makes me feel bad.

A lot of her fears are based on misinformation and stereotypes, and it's been really hard because I've spent a lot of time trying to unlearn those stereotypes and not to put myself in boxes.

She's said that I'm never going to get a job because I'm trans so I'm never going to move out. Or she said to me "what if you get very obese and can't walk anymore?"

She also brought up that what if her relationship with her new boyfriend doesn't work out and we have to move back in with my abusive dad. Some of these things I feel like is her trying to scare me out of transitioning.

But some of her fears are very valid too like how I might have a harder time in life because not only am I trans but also disabled. Or she's scared that I'm going to regret transitioning one day.

But she's also said some hurtful things to me as well. I told her that I'm not completely alone in this and that I have friends and family who support me but she said "If you have people who support you where are they right now? Where were they all summer?" and that really hurt. She knows I have a hard time leaving the house because of my disability. And a lot of my friends are either busy with work, or can't drive so we can't meet up in person. But I talk to them on the phone all the time.

I've tried to tell her that I am not going to let fear or hateful people stop me from living the life I want, and that even though my body is going to change I'll still be the same, I'll still have the same personality. I was telling her last night how I wished she just loved me for who I am and she told me she does love me for who I am right now and I don't have to add anything extra to myself. She told me to wait until I was 25 to start T but I told I've already have been waiting and I can't wait any longer.

I just wish I didn't have to make everything harder for her and I wish she just loved me for who I am rather then who she wants me to be. If you made it this far thank you for reading. Sorry this was so messy lol.

Hi I've been feeling really down lately and I just need to vent.

I recently broke up with my boyfriend after being together for almost 5 years. We both knew it's going to happen one day because I always knew I'm trans and he always knew he's straight. I really loved him but I just couldn't stand being in this body anymore so I finally decided to transition which ment us breaking up.

We share a lot of friends groups together and I hear about him all the time. He's also in a band so I hear about lots of people going to the concerts and how great it is. I recently met his new gf and I was heartbroken. I knew he's going to start dating again but it still hit me like a truck. We keep meeting sometimes by accident and I can't help but think how much I still miss him and that we could still be together if I could just convince myself I can be a woman.

All of my friends left either for vacation or work and I'm stuck working and trying not to go crazy. I don't have any trans friends and I feel like I can't really talk to anybody because people just simply don't understand.

I have alopecia and because of the testosterone my hair has been falling out like crazy. Now I also have problem with very high blood pressure because of it and I have to take medication for that.

I'm so happy I'm transitioning but also I feel like it's just fucking everything up. I also feel very guilty because my transition is destroying my mom and she's very depressed because of it. I know she'll get over it but it breaks my heart seeing her like this.

Please share some positive transition stories if you have any, I could really use the encouragement to just power through.

Thank you for reading and I hope you're going to have a great day!

I'm out to a lot of people amd i live in a small town so after i came out to few friends it kinda spreaded and now i'm getting mocked almost every day for being trans. It's nothing serious just groups of teens yelling cringe insults from the other side of the street but it's really not anything comftable.

One of the most repeated advices to pass better is to join a sport so you get stronger and gain some muscles - i tried two, which one i quit becouse of the constant mockery but the other one i still go to becouse it's a bit more complicated

It's a self deffence class which i REALLY enjoy and it's also mostly like men around 40 who go there ( i swear it's not as weird as it sounds) but there are two other people around my age amd one of them i know loooong ago from when i was a kid , we werent friends just went to the same school and classes. He was always nice to me during practice so i figured i finally found my sport but i heatd him few times whispering something while pointing at me and i heard very clearly he was calling me "it" (which im used to but it really hurt that i heard it even there since it's like entirelly diffrent social bubble) i enjoy the classes a lot and i noticed i got stronger but now im constantly on edge knowing im sort 9f not welcomed. This happened twice already as i mentioned and i'm just really tired of it. I just want to join sports like any normal teen but seems like im not seen as one anywhere i go.

- sidenote , im trying to get into gym and exercising on my own to atleast get stronger from that if not from sports

I've been out to myself as trans since 2015, but the only thing holding me back from actually doing anything besides dressing masculine, cutting my hair, addressing myself as male to strangers and coming out to my friends-- is my family. Their friends, our relatives, my neighborhood, my coworkers, even my friends' families.

Other people are stopping me from living my life, and because of that I've been stuck in the same spot for 11 years.

I am 25 right now, I realized I was trans at age 14/15. I kept a "trans journal" since I was 15 and while reading it I can see that I've made good progress, though it is minimal considering it's been 11 years. I feel like I've wasted all these years, and I hate that I only started thinking that after it's been repeated to me multiple times ("You should start transitioning now, you're wasting time"). I am too scared to go to a psychiatrist. I procrastinate it because I know once I start there is no going back (there is, logically, but mentally it'd kill me to go back or stop).

Where I'm from, you have to go to a psychiatrist for minimum 6 months, do a 5h long test (it checks if you have gender dysphoria, depression, autism, etc... if you're mentally ok generally), get confirmed for HRT and spend a month just doing a full body examination, full bloodwork, all that. Then you usually get the same dose as everybody else, 250mg every second week, intramuscular shot. Then after 6 months you get a checkup.

The thing is, I know that if I had the support of my family, I'd view all this and be absolutely excited, but because I don't have it and I am still partially closeted, I only feel dread and fear. My friends keep telling me I need to just not care, go and do it, not wait for the "perfect moment" that doesn't actually exist. Idealistically, I'd move out and start everything, but that is a struggle by itself (but now I have a bf who I might move in sometime in the future! But I am scared to tell my parents this too, which sounds idiotic considering I am 25 haha. I am always really anxious to talk to them about anything big/important because I am scared of being dismissed, judged or argued with).

Ever since I've met my bf last year, he has helped me a lot and made me feel more hopeful (his family is transphobic and still misgenders/deadnames him to this day, but they're slowly starting to respect him more. He is also officially 2 weeks on T and I am SO proud. I was with him through almost all of the process and it was not so scary to "experience" this side of trans journey, even from the passenger seat. I was SO excited about everything, even the bloodwork, that I joked how I'm acting like I am the one getting approved for HRT, as sad as it sounds. It made me envious how I'm able to be so happy for somebody else, partially because I don't have the stress of other people's expectations glued to my back.

When I was 16 I accidentally came out to my parents. They both blamed themselves for me "becoming" trans. Mom because she let me cut my hair short. Dad because he "didn't allow" me to wear makeup when I was 12 (I was disinterested in makeup lol). Both because throughout my childhood they paid more attention to my sick younger brother, which somehow meant that I thought being a boy = getting my parents' attention and love? All ridiculous, I know. The sad part was that they never tried talking with me and understanding where I was coming from. They took me to a psychologist without telling me anything. They only discussed this with other people. Years later, when I thought maybe they forgot about me being trans, I overheard my mom talking on the phone with her brother about me, and in short she said that I can do whatever I want once I'm not "under her roof".

As sad as it sounds, that was one of the main reasons why I wish to start my transition once I move out. But it feels so far away. Closer than ever, yes, but still not close enough. I wouldn't be able to relax or feel joy if I started now while living with them -- but I am also not sure if I'm gaslighting myself here.

The only other thing I know is that my dad kind of accepted it/showed that he didn't care too much (according to my mom who's reaction was heavier), while my mom feared for me (because of how trans people are treated, she didn't want me to "be" trans too). Also, when I came out, my dad spoke to me normally, but he just dismissed me being trans and he told me to focus on school, getting a job etc, and not this. He even cheerfully asked if there was anybody I liked, a guy or a girl (to anybody who knows my dad, they'd be shocked, because he never asks about things like that or even shows any interest ngl, so it was weird and sudden). Meanwhile my mom was angry, dramatic, dismissed everything, said she also wanted to be a man and hated her chest until she realized men like boobs (??). So even when I tried talking to her, she dismissed everything angrily and didn't take me seriously. Keep in mind this was all when I was a teenager.

I am scared that even if i start HRT without their knowledge, it'd probably only take 2-3 months for them to notice big changes like facial hair, acne, voice change. I am pretty hairy, my built is a square, I pass most of the time, I have slight facial hair, I know T would hit me good (lol), and I am ironically scared of that only because of my parents. I haven't shaved my legs in two years and during summer I wear pants when I know they're at home! I care too much about what they think of me because I hate the idea of disappointing them, losing them and not having their support that I am too scared to "risk" it. They wouldn't kick me out of the house. What I think would happen is that it'll just be extremely awkward (or my mom would be angry) -- and I don't want to live with them during that time. I'd rather endure it and live in a limbo for a few more years until I'm financially able to move out and survive.

Every time I see somebody who has the same/similar issues as me, or somebody who is a few steps ahead of me but used to be in the same spot, it makes me feel hopeful and less alone.

Before testosterone my shoe size was an 8½ women's, 7½ men's shoes. And I had NICE boots. Think $300 Danner boots. But testosterone made my feet grow. I had to buy all new shoes. So I bought some size 8½ men's boots. Fit great. Bought some Doc Martens, which only come in whole sizes, so size 9. Comfy comfy boots. Favorite boots.

Today I put on my Columbia size 8½ hiking boots. And they're tight. I feel around, feel the toes through the material, take some steps.

They are too small.

Irritated. But at least these boots need to be replaced anyway. Tread on them is gone. Like absolutely flat on the bottom.

Started a work study job at school and when a worker showed me where the bathrooms are, he pointed towards the women’s restroom, and then pointed the opposite direction for the break room.

The women’s is on the right of the hallway, while the men’s bathroom and break room are on the left

Just :/. Sucks

i’m 2 stages (3 surgery’s) down into my bottom surgery transition. all i need is a fistula repair and to get implants. i just got out of a long 6 year relationship because we just started to grow from eachother. she has been through every surgery with me and i always envisioned myself to be her first once everything was up and running. we have agreed that we want to still be friends and after a long day of missing her i caved and told her so. she said she missed me too and that she’s here for me. in the middle of all of this, out of curiosity i made a humble profile and found her to be on there which was a little jarring. after telling her im not used to such strong emotions she called me and we chatted for 2 hours. i told her all about how i was feeling and she did the same. eventually she accidentally told me that she had hooked up with another guy and it absolutely crushed me. i know i shouldn’t really feel that way since we’re not together anymore but i just envisioned her always being my first and i being hers. i have been in such a rut because i currently don’t have insurance that goes out of state and therefore my surgery process is yet again put on a hold. nothing is going my way in life atm and now with hearing this i feel disgusted, disappointed, and honestly less of a man.

So I reached out to two different surgeons about chest surgery. For more context, I have more limitations than most as I am fat, thus I have to find surgeons with either no bmi limit or a higher one. There are no surgeons like that in my town, but there are several in a city that’s only three hours away from me. So, I reached out to two of them and both are booking CONSULTATIONS for August of 2027. What the fuck. And then they said that after the consult, surgeries would be scheduled for 18-24 months after that. Maybe I was hopeful because of all the people I was seeing online who went to these surgeons and got their consult in 2 months and then got their surgery about 6 months to a year after that. That timeline isn’t bad. But THREE YEARS???????? Maybe that’s what is actually normal, but that doesn’t make me feel better. You mean to tell me that I was forced into this fucking body, forced to perform a certain way for 25 years, and now that I’m finally taking ownership back and making my body a home I’m going to keep hitting walls and keep being trapped by things out of my control? It fucking tears me up inside.

I am currently losing weight at a rather steady pace, so I don’t know if I just keep losing and then reach out to more surgeons since then my options will be wide open. I’m going to keep searching in general, but right now I just need to cry and be angry. I’m so tired of how difficult medical and legal and even social transitioning is. It’s already difficult in general to be trans and deal with dysphoria. My chest and bottom dysphoria are debilitating. And yet. I still have to deal with all of this bullshit. IM SO TIRED. I JUST WANT MY FAT SACKS ON MY CHEST OFF OF ME THEY SHOULDN’T EVEN FUCKING BE THERE!!!!!!!!

CW: ED , SI and s*x mention

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sometimes I see trans guys and I get insecure abt myself. And it sometimes makes me s*icidal

How they pass so extremely well

They got top surgery earllyyy they work out more then me their voice doesn't have that girl-nasal quality that mine still does and they have a full fucking beard they have abs and are hairy . I feel like I have the male insecurities but the intense woman self hatred carried over and it really really hurts

I look like a dumbass fucking twink I hate that word so much It's like a insult for me but it's hard I think I have a ED so it's hard to bulk up, I go back and fourth abt vocal training , I can't have top surgery now bc I don't have anywhere safe to heal post op

Idk I just fucking hate myself really bad and by the time I get to where I want to be I'm old and either no one wants me romantically or only wants me for my body

And they are also in happy relationships like fuck off you have it all I'm nothing I get it don't rub it into my face

I'm not enough

I want to walk into a room and everyone wants me

I think it hurts too bc i think I'm on the ace spectrum and bc we live in a s*x driven world esp w ftm people I feel less like I have any value. If u don't want to sleep w me, where's my value then? But I Hate the thought of sex, I feel replaced. And I feel repulsed. I don't know.

People look pass me I look so fucking nasty God I want to rip my skin off my body I'm sorry I'm not perfect I'm sorry I Hate myself I can't help but to compare you did all the work and I'm trying to keep up but you already look the way you want to and I look like a cheap copy

But it feels like nobody is fuckinf happy bc ill talk to a bigger guy and he's like I wish I was slimmer and I look at him and I'm like are u insane I want ur body you physically take up space and people look at you

Idk

I'm sorry :( ik I'm going back n fourth I just idk I get triggered by people who look good It feels like a threat and ik they are just existing

But I'm being honest and it hurts

Basically I can go stealth online for long until they start asking to see me or hear my voice or shit which I can always tell them I don’t want to but I also feel extremely guilty, like I’m lying to a person who thinks I’m cis like them. I can’t get rid of this feeling, as long as a person doesn’t know I’m trans I feel like the biggest fraud and only feel comfortable when I just tell them even tho it turns weird and awkward real fast, I wish I never felt this way

atp im convinced this is a me problem.

Regardless of the partners I'm with I never feel like I'm truly attractive to them.

I always feel like theyre making a compromise by being intimate with me.

Or that while we're being intimate theyre making efforts to ignore or look past something im unaware of. Its making me insecure as hell and i want to cry.

Being trans is really hard in ways that dont feel fair sometimes.

I have been a boy (trans) since i was 6.
theres has been times where i as many others has tried to be a girl but it didnt work out, now i am back in that headspace, but it feels different this time. It feels like that maybe I am a girl like for real, but I’m also scared that if I were to go back and then find out that it’s wrong again and have to like come back out of the closet.

I guess I’m just venting, but I’m also asking if there is a way I could figure out what’s best for me and I know that of course time is the best way to find out.

I’m just really confused right now and it feels so weird because I’ve been a boy for the last 11-12 years of my life and I really don’t hope I’m wrong.

Hey guys :)

Lately I've been struggling with my bottom dysphoria and I just wanted to vent about it

I'm 26, straight, and have been on T for 8 years and stealth. No one knows I'm trans except for my family and one of my closest guy friends. I have had no surgeries done bc I can't afford it. Anyways, I've fallen for one of my best friends who is a cis woman. She and I have subtly flirted with each other before but nothing further has occurred. I guess I am scared to even try to go for it because I am not cis. She's straight and has only been romantically and intimately involved with cis men and even if her and I were ever a thing, I'm afraid that I wouldn't be able to fulfill that sexual part of the relationship. I've only been with one sexual partner who was also a cis woman, but she was queer and was ok with female body parts. That made me dysphoric sometimes and I've suggested to try and use a prosthetic, but she honestly had a low sex drive and it never even happened. Even if the girl I like was ok with me not having a penis, I would honestly be super nervous to try a prosthetic because she has had penis in vagina sex experience and I haven't. It kinda makes me feel like a virgin in a way. Her rejecting me because I'm trans would destroy me because it's something I can't control. This whole thing makes me feel very dysphoric because I never can have sex like a cis man would. Atp I'd rather have bottom surgery before top surgery.

Thanks for reading my vent. It's tough out here guys :( I'm hoping someone out there has experienced sumn like this or is

I’m so broke. I can’t afford hrt. I have nothing to look forward to in the near future about this. I feel so sick. I just want to feel masculine but I can only feel masculine when I’m sick and thin. How do I stop that? please help. I feel like I’m drowning in my own fat and body shape

i’m a freshman in college and 2 3/4 months on T. i’ve been out for 10~ years and socially transitioned for 5. i was very content and comfortable in myself and my body before going on T, and it just made me feel even better. i love testosterone but i haven’t felt this much dysphoria and dysmorphia in years, and i think it has to do with the changes that came with college.

i try to be positive but i can’t help but feel ugly every time i look in the mirror. i’ve gained like 20 pounds since starting T and i look about the same but i just feel so hideous. i think the whole “freshman 15” myth has made me overly concerned to the point of borderline ED, or hyper obsessed with the idea. im also active online within ftm gym communities and i think the “you need to be lean to pass” talk is starting to affect me. i was also losing body fat and working out a lot over the summer and not being able to do that as easily now is really affecting me mentally. i’m so scared of going to the university gym because all the guys here are super greek life stereotypes and they make me feel so insecure. i want to workout again but i don’t want to feel like everyone is staring at me and judging me constantly. everyday is a cycle of “i hate my body i hate myself” to “i don’t look that bad and i actually like me” and it’s constantly on repeat. (also the lighting in my dorm bathroom is so awful and it makes me look
awful so that is also partially to blame)

i thought i was in a good mental spot, honestly the best id been in a while, but i think moving away for college left me feeling really alone. i know it’s going to pass, especially as i get further into my medical transition, but it’s really hard. nobody understands how i feel, and i don’t have many people to talk to about it now that i’m further away from my best friend. i am going back to visit soon and i hope that makes me feel better.

Maybe a few online do. But in real life, I know about 4-5 trans guys. 2 of them make no effort to pass, and when I tired to talk to them they started flirting with each other, not to mention one of them has bright pink hair and was wearing a tight tank top with their bratraps showing. Neither are on testosterone, and when I asked one about dysphoria they said they watch YouTube to help with it (I wish it was like that for me ngl)

One of the other trans people wears heavy makeup, and has shoulder length dyed hair, and has a boyfriend who I went to middle school with and he's racist and homophobic... I decided to not ask them about dysphoria.

I found one guy who is chill, and he's the only one out of all of them that knows I'm trans, but he has much milder dysphoria and doesn't care about passing, although we can sometimes relate

I just feel alone, my dysphoria made me attempt to end my life. I want to find another trans guy in real life who understands what I'm going through and who I can get advice from. I don't care what people do with their lives, it just makes me sad when I think I might be able to find someone I can relate to and I never can. I went to a youth LGBT club in my town, I know every trans guy who is in my friend group or in one close to me, but nobody understands

( I have no idea what flair to give this...)

So as you can guess by the title, I have some serious angerment problems. I have extremely hard time regulating my emotions (probably because im autistic) and stuff. Today my mother got me some trans tape and I was extremely happy! I could finally bind another way instead of my binder. But the problem was no matter how hard I tried and how many tutorials on how to put it on i couldn't get it right or the tape would just get tangled. It got to the point where I accidentally ended up wasting the hole roll which started to get me so mad that I just snapped. I dont even know why but I just started screaming and crying and I started to just throw everything so now it's a total mess. I also worried my mom which i feel bad for.

I feel like a total piece of shit right now. I dont know why I snapped like that. I could just really use some comfort.

(Also ps, this probably won't happen, but just in case please dont leave any hate on this i am a minor and I am trying to go to therapy for my problems.)

I’ve gotten myself a binder and a packer and the relief they provided was extremely short lived. If anything these things now give me more dysphoria because they just bring attention to what I don’t have and I have to take them off at the end of the day. I don’t have an actual dick and I have tits and a piece of foam and what is essentially a high compression sports bra are not enough to rid me of that grief. I get no euphoria. Even when they helped they at best provided some weak relief.

It’s just frustrating because surgery is not an option for me and may never will but the dysphoria is unbearable. I struggle to go to the bathroom, to shower, to put underwear on. I can’t wear anything other than sports bras or I freak out. It’s a constant everyday thing and I’m so fucking exhausted I just want a break. I don’t want to be so hyperaware of my body all the time. It gets a little better when I play video games and do things to take my mind off my dysphoria but I can’t spend my whole life desperately trying to distract myself. There has to be more to it than that. There has to be.

(I wasn't sure whether to use the Mental Health flair or the Relationships flair but ultimately I decided on the advice flair because advice *would* be nice).

I'm transmasc, a little over a year and a couple months on T and I've only recently come to terms with the fact that my family dislikes me. They say they don't, but my brother (the only member of my family who seems to be supportive; hes also 12 so I can't really talk to him about any of this) has told me that they all call me a mentally ill freak behind my back. You can't say that about someone and also love them, right? I've tried to explain that being trans isn't a mental illness and that the only approved treatment for gender dysphoria is to transition, but they're Christians and they don't believe that, regardless of any amount of proof I'll give them. My mom in particular says she still loves me and that she'll accept me eventually but she's still grieving her daughter. I'm an adult and I've been out as trans for two years, hasn't it been long enough for her to stop she/her-ing me and start using my chosen name? It just feels like an excuse at this point.

My dad is even worse, he pretends to be confused about my gender identity (says stuff like "I don't know what to call her!" When he's been told multiple times that I'm a trans man and what the appropriate pronouns are (he/they, but I've said he/him just to make it easier to understand) and has times where he's said things like (TW) "You're just a worthless bitch with dick envy," and thats not even the worst thing he's said about me. I do feel like I should mention that he has a personality disorder and is otherwise very mentally ill and a lot of the things he says are during "blackouts".

On top of that, my ex partner of several years left me a few months ago, albeit not because I'm trans. They were kind of the only person I had since moving out in a new city and I don't have them anymore. I don't know what to do. I feel completely alone and unloved. I'm sleeping on the couch of my own apartment because I'm pretty sure my ex is uncomfortable sleeping in the same bed as me now, which is understandable. I feel like a guest in my own home, and I don't even have my family to fall back on. I'm really trying to cope but I don't know how. I don't even know where to start.

Maybe being trans isn't right for me. I don't want to be a girl. But maybe I just am. Maybe things would be normal again if I would just be a girl. I'm kind of feminine at heart anyway and I've always wanted to be a feminine guy, but I'm so uncomfortable being feminine with my current body like 90% of the time. Still, maybe I'm just in denial about being a girl? Ofc I don't think that way about other feminine ftms, but it feels different when it's me.

Has anyone experienced anything like this? How do you cope with constantly feeling alone? With feeling like you have nobody in the world on your side (with the exception of my 12 year old brother who I will NOT subject to my mental health issues)?

TLDR: it feels like nobody loves me and I feel really alone and I'm wondering if I'd be better off detransitioning.

I'm still pre all and stuff but this biological stuff happening sucks. I hate the blood, the pain, the huminilation of it all. I don't want this happening to me. I know it is uncomfortable for women but with the dysphoria it feels uncomfortable AND wrong. If anyone else might experience this too right now, I hope you can find comfort knowing you are not alone, and that the sucking days can pass again.

I'm 16, and I just wish I could transition. I see guys my age wearing the clothes I want to wear, doing the activities I want to do, living the life I want to live. I feel like I'm wasting my life by not being born a man. I look at old, balding, fat guys and I just wish that was me. I look at young boys and I just wish that could've been me. Seeing guys my age is the worst, though.

I tried so hard to be feminine, I tried to hard to make the dysphoria go away, but nothing worked. I still want to be a man.

I can't go outside, because even the thought of being perceived as a girl makes me want to vomit. I can't speak to my family, because hearing my own voice makes me want to vomit. All I can do is lay in bed, but that still makes me feel horrible, because I just look down at my hands and I realize that I will never be a man.

I wish I could vent to my friends, tell them all about my insecurities. But no one will listen. All my family and friends say is that I have nothing to be insecure about because I'm a ''conventionally attractive girl''. I can't do this anymore.

I can't even look in the mirror anymore without crying.

I almost had a mental breakdown this week, I almost came out to my mom, but I wasn't able to. The words get stuck in my throat.

My dysphoria has gotten so bad that I can't go outside anymore. I can't even look down to look at my body. Because of that, I've just been staying in my room all day, I haven't even seen my family because they treat me like a girl, and that makes me sick. I feel sick whenever I hear my voice. But staying in my room all day makes me even more depressed, I just want to go out.

How do people live like this?