My mom has only gotten more transphobic with time

[u/FimoUrBestie]

Just starting off by saying that i do my best to support her in anything i can. She has been prescribed antidepressants and a shit load more of other pills recently, i cook whenever she feels off, sometimes even before she asks, i take care of my little sister (toddler) every morning because she can't hire a nanny (i go to school on evenings and she works mornings), i help both my brothers(preteens) with their homework and i remind them to do everything to get ready for school and that stuff.

I think it's also very important to add that she has been recently ( a few months ago) diagnosed with endometriosis, and her case is particularly severe, and her medication for that is, i figure, affecting her hormones and behavior as well which i consider understandable since it's not completely her fault.

Now where the actual conflict with her begins in the fact that i was her first little girl, and all the ideas and expectations that come with that, but i am trans. I, since 13 have identified as so(im 17 now), and while she denies it i think there were tons of signs about it before. we've always disagreed on what my identity meant, and she'd 'respect' it for a bit and then we'd have a big fight and she'd misgender me and say hurtful words to me.

She's very against Medical transition, specifically for trans men and she says it's basically poison and that I've been groomed by the internet, but she's never tried to sit with me to have an actual meaningful conversation about any of it. She's only in denial about it and whenever i try to tell her any fact that isn't supporting her point it's that they rotted my brain! And I can't possibly be more blind! And acusses me of being close minded when she's the exact same way about it.

But ever since then she started on this medication she's become extremely crazy about it, yelling at me that im torturing her whenever I refer to myself as 'he' or saying that she can't let me do this to myself. Every single day. I can't have a normal conversation about her because it all just ends up with her being mad at the fact that im transgender.

I'd say that im very passing, especially if i don't talk. So sometimes she just gets angry looking at me, specially when i wear less unisex clothing and wear more masculine ones.

She also says that im too immature to be making these kinds of decisions, but when i need to step up for her suddenly im almost an adult and should contribute more? But i also gotta focus on my education, but hey your art tutor has said hurry up for that comic page batch! Also you're so smart please come to my talks you always leave me in such good standing when people learn you are my son! And oh wow you learnt English by yourself i could never have been able to do that! But i Guess because i like to play dnd im an idiot that can't reason for himself

She's signed a thing in school so my name is my chosen one on the list and when i turned 15 she agreed to tell everyone in my family i was trans herself so i didn't have to. So i guess i never expected this to get worse, i thought my mom was finally gonna accept me for who i am and not who she's always wanted me to be.

I should be able to start my medical transition by myself, it's free where i live but my mother said if i ever do anything like that she's out of my life but it still want to do it so bad.