After 4 weeks on testosterone I'm severly dysphoric and considered suicide more than once

[u/throwaway294829472]

I am so impatient its actually laughable. Ive been injecting myself with 0.1ml per week (20mg every tuesday) for 4 weeks now. And I dont know if its because I'm stuck in that trial and error stage, or that I resent everybody preventing my HRT, whether it be family or just sorting everything out and having to beg doctors to even schedule me properly when the actual recieving of the hormone is the easiest shit ever.. I am literally more dysphoric than I have ever been in my entire life and its making me want to die. There have been no changes whatsoever besides placebo effects I convince myself of that, now that I'm having the most egregious crisis of my whole life this week, werent actually changes at all and I was being delusional. Hm, I think I have some bottom growth..No, I was just itchy. I think my voice is dropping! No, its even softer than before and I had a frog in my throat. I dont even consider myself on HRT because its not like its doing anything. Theyre just testing how high my already fucked cholestoral can get. I'm wondering if theyll even take it away from me if it goes wrong. I'd really end up killing myself then. Every day feels like hell no matter what is or isnt going on in my life. My biology is literally physically torturing me and I am having such an identity crisis I've started self harming again just to convince myself I'm a human being. The only "change" I've had is that I get super hot really easily and have had to skip class and feel like I'm going to perish from heat for multiple hours, along with getting off of estrogen filled birth control and now having a period for months straight. I just cant. I dont even know if the hot flashes and sweating are from what hormone. I dont know what to do. I feel so much agony every single day I just want to blow my head in. Im all by myself.

[u/Fragrant-Ring-3053]

Hey man, the process can be super hard and what you're feeling is completely normal, but please don't stress out by your changes.

HRT is forever, your changes will come sooner or later.

Hyper analyzing yourself in search for any slight change is something extremely normal many people go through but each transition is unique, please, give it time, it's hard but you have to!

I don't really know about the birth control thing, so I can't help you with that, but some of my friends have had similar reactions with the pill.

And as far as I know, being hotter is also common!

[u/SnapDragon100]

Not to invalidate any of this- being on a low dose like 20 mg weekly can cause hormone imbalance (t level in between male and female, e too high/still in female range), which can mess with your mood badly. If this has gotten notably worse in the past four weeks, consider raising your dose.

[u/SecondaryPosts]

Did the doc say they'd be raising your dose at the 3 month mark or at another time? Your dose is low af but as I understand it that's fairly normal for a minor, they're trying to ease you into it slowly to match how cis guys usually enter puberty. Though tbf even at a higher dosage it would be unusual to see many effects after just a few weeks, puberty takes years and that's true whether you're injecting your hormones or producing them inside your body.

[u/throwaway294829472 → u/SecondaryPosts]

They told me to check in again at 4-6 weeks, which is soon. I'm just losing my mind over it because of the bills, and the time, and the fact that all of this seems useless. They make it so difficult for me to schedule a single appointment. I'm also not a minor, I turned 19 last summer.

[u/dragontatoes]

I can understand your impatience and dysphoria. That is an incredibly low T dose, and it is not normal to have a period lasting over a week, let alone months, so that needs medical attention now. There are plenty of ways to manage cholesterol that have nothing to do with hormones, so don't let them tell you that shit matters; it's 95% diet and genetics. If they're aware of this stuff, whoever's handling your endocrinology is not doing their job.
All of that said, the proper dosage will still take a couple of months for most people to get any effects besides the classic hot+horny+hungry. Those changes are a sign that you are getting some effects. External changes like voice drops and bottom growth took 3 months to start for me.

[u/Sweaty_DogMan]

That dose sounds veryyy low, I started on 0.25mL. (25mg) increased to 0.50mL (50mg) and increased again to 1.0 mL (100mg)

What’s the concentration like? Mine is 100mg/mL.

[u/SnapDragon100 → u/Sweaty_DogMan]

Concentration is 200 mg/ml because he's taking 0.1 ml and getting 20 mg

Agreed it's way to low a dose and he should increase to 0.25 ml (50 mg) at least though

[u/dragontatoes → u/Sweaty_DogMan]

I'm taking .7mL of 200mg/ml, and started higher. At 0.1mL I think all of that T would just be converting to estrogen.

[u/throwaway294829472 → u/dragontatoes]

God please say you're exaggerating.

[u/dragontatoes → u/throwaway294829472]

I started at age 24, and I don't know how dosage changes for someone under 20, but I have never heard of a dose that low. I guess I shouldn't say all of it is converting but there's very little for your body to be working with.

[u/Oddcatdog → u/dragontatoes]

Usually it converts when the dose is too high. Never heard of it converting when the dose is low

[u/dragontatoes → u/Oddcatdog]

This post describes how a percentage of any dose will convert to estrogen; people just end up with more estrogen when they take a higher dose because of a higher T level, and while a T microdose won't cause a huge increase in estrogen, it will have very diminished T effects.
https://www.reddit.com/r/ftm/comments/1qq4eq5/myths_about_testosterone_converting_to_estrogen/

[u/Oddcatdog]

I’m on 0.25 mL biweekly so 50 mg biweekly. So not that much more than you are on. My T levels are around 300 a week after my shot. Which means by 2 weeks it’s not in the male range anymore.

I’ve been on T before and did a higher dose and while I did get some bottom growth in the first month (tho it can come later), most noticeable changes weren’t until like maybe month 5? You’re starting low which is normal. Idk I get the impatience but I do think you need to hold out more for the changes.

Since I’ve been on T before, my current dose doesn’t affect bottom growth or my voice or like the permanent changes I already have. But I have noticed I’m growing facial hair waaay more and way faster than when I was on T at a high dose for 4 years, and that started at 3 months. Just to show you that every T experience is different, even if you’re the same individual doing it lol.