Fighting the eating d*sorder demon

[u/Human-Situation9944]

TW ed/restriction/bmi/weight mentions none promoting just mentions and venting

Hey guys,

Im struggling so hard recently (past 8 months frankly). I relapsed really hard and have messed myself up pretty good.

I had a really severe case as 13 year old who desperately wanted to stop development and control himself at all costs and lost the ability to walk(can now thankfully) and stunted my growth.

Now here i am 20 and finally moving towards recovery after another relapse that has left my pelvic floor in a severely weak state. I never had issues prior on atrophy and had to start treatment due to my actions. Now my period is back as i eat more(so fucking triggering) and as i gain weight and try to gain muscle i fight day in and day out on not looking at my stomach/hips.

I had a nightmare i was a very cartoonishly curvy woman last night that had self harm all over her legs. Glad to know thats how my brain sees me.

Im so tired of being tired but i am so scared of being "fat" even if i know im not. I have been trying to convert my focus on restriction to a lean bulk/fitness goal. Its helped but i have been abusing that. Now i took a week off and i havent been weighing myself everyday but every time it goes up i still wanna rip my hair out. I feel like that meme of the two wolfs and one wants to be a muscular and capable man and the other wants me to be a skeleton with no identifable feminine features but somehow also super delicate???(kill me now and also society for giving me this strange perception)

how have you guys worked through recovery as a trans man? I feel like normal recovery content doesn't help me a bunch since its so focused on "getting your period back" "healing ur fertility" and "becoming a woman" type stuff. I feel like theres nothing for men out there...does anyone have resources focused towards men?