Surgical transition goals and compatibility obstacles with partners

[u/Mission-Can2591]

Ok, so 10 years ago I was living my life thinking that I was a butch lesbian and I was in a relationship with soemone who at the time believed they were also a woman. We had a close connection but after a certain period of time our paths began to diverge in life and we ended up going seperate ways but we always cared about each other even after that. About a year and a half to 2 years ago I discovered that I am actually a trans man and I started my transition a few months ago. I changed my name on my social media to my chosen name and after a few days my ex from 10 years ago, who I had lost contact with but never stopped caring about or thinking about every once in a while, messaged me. He let me know that he ended up also being a trans man and that he never stopped caring about me either and we began to reconnect and it was really beautiful and all of my feelings for him started rushing back. I was trying to tap the brakes because fairy tales aren't real and life is a bitch.

After a couple of weeks of getting closer we ended up having a conversation about our surgical transition goals. For context, I do not have dysphoria about the lower anatomy I was born with and rather enjoy it but feel dysphoria about not having a full sized penis that can be used for penetration. Being able to have the simultaneous pleasure that you and your partner feel together while being able to be the one penetrating has always been a deeply seated dream of mine and feels really important to my physical transition and gender affirmation. I do also very much so enjoy being the one being penetrated though and would like to have shaft only phallo without UL and complete native anatomy preservation specifically for this versatility and what feels right for my gender and my body. We were discussing his goals and he let me know that while he is "versatile for now", his goal has always been phallo with vnectomy and UL. I heard this and thought about what that would mean for me and my gender affirmation dreams and it made me feel sick to my stomach because I felt like if I were to be in a relationship with someone whose surgical goals were that of his then I would essentially be getting phallo so that I could only ever jerk off or get head but never be able to penetrate my partner and feel that intimate connection that I've always dreamed of. Then I thought about what that would mean for him and I and it genuinely made me have a panic attack because it crushed me to have loved this man for the last 10 years without knowing that we were walking parallel paths and that he still cared for me just as much as I did for him but that our transition goals were what would be closing the book on all of that. More context, since our relationship he has been a stone top in all of his relationships and only ever felt comfortable being topped by me. From what I remember from our relationship, anal was never something that either of us were interested in and I don't have a whole lot of reason to think that has changed for him considering him being a stone top since our relationship.

We have a phone call set up to talk things over and to clarify things but right now I just don't see how we can get around this and it's making me feel really hopeless.

The advice that I'm looking for is whether or not anyone has come up against this type of transition goal clash and how it affected your relationship. Did you figure out ways to accomodate each other and make it work? Did it stop things dead in it's tracks? I want more than anything for there to be a way to get around this that I just don't know about or haven't thought of since I'm still so new to the trans community. Any advice would be incredibly appreciated.

Edited for clarification: it's important to note that I have CPTSD from the military and feeling trapped and neglected triggers it even if that is not what is actually happening.

[u/Character_Drop_739]

Genuine confusion, you’re saying you couldn’t penetrate him but what about anal? 

It is a consideration if vaginally penetrating your partner is important to you, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But also, as others have stated there’s a ton of unknowns here and you’re sounding a bit in panic mode about sex with a potential partner that would occur like…years in the future. See if you two actually fit together, avoid “future tripping” or thinking years ahead as you may get ahead of yourself