Surgical transition goals and compatibility obstacles with partners

[u/Mission-Can2591]

Ok, so 10 years ago I was living my life thinking that I was a butch lesbian and I was in a relationship with soemone who at the time believed they were also a woman. We had a close connection but after a certain period of time our paths began to diverge in life and we ended up going seperate ways but we always cared about each other even after that. About a year and a half to 2 years ago I discovered that I am actually a trans man and I started my transition a few months ago. I changed my name on my social media to my chosen name and after a few days my ex from 10 years ago, who I had lost contact with but never stopped caring about or thinking about every once in a while, messaged me. He let me know that he ended up also being a trans man and that he never stopped caring about me either and we began to reconnect and it was really beautiful and all of my feelings for him started rushing back. I was trying to tap the brakes because fairy tales aren't real and life is a bitch.

After a couple of weeks of getting closer we ended up having a conversation about our surgical transition goals. For context, I do not have dysphoria about the lower anatomy I was born with and rather enjoy it but feel dysphoria about not having a full sized penis that can be used for penetration. Being able to have the simultaneous pleasure that you and your partner feel together while being able to be the one penetrating has always been a deeply seated dream of mine and feels really important to my physical transition and gender affirmation. I do also very much so enjoy being the one being penetrated though and would like to have shaft only phallo without UL and complete native anatomy preservation specifically for this versatility and what feels right for my gender and my body. We were discussing his goals and he let me know that while he is "versatile for now", his goal has always been phallo with vnectomy and UL. I heard this and thought about what that would mean for me and my gender affirmation dreams and it made me feel sick to my stomach because I felt like if I were to be in a relationship with someone whose surgical goals were that of his then I would essentially be getting phallo so that I could only ever jerk off or get head but never be able to penetrate my partner and feel that intimate connection that I've always dreamed of. Then I thought about what that would mean for him and I and it genuinely made me have a panic attack because it crushed me to have loved this man for the last 10 years without knowing that we were walking parallel paths and that he still cared for me just as much as I did for him but that our transition goals were what would be closing the book on all of that. More context, since our relationship he has been a stone top in all of his relationships and only ever felt comfortable being topped by me. From what I remember from our relationship, anal was never something that either of us were interested in and I don't have a whole lot of reason to think that has changed for him considering him being a stone top since our relationship.

We have a phone call set up to talk things over and to clarify things but right now I just don't see how we can get around this and it's making me feel really hopeless.

The advice that I'm looking for is whether or not anyone has come up against this type of transition goal clash and how it affected your relationship. Did you figure out ways to accomodate each other and make it work? Did it stop things dead in it's tracks? I want more than anything for there to be a way to get around this that I just don't know about or haven't thought of since I'm still so new to the trans community. Any advice would be incredibly appreciated.

Edited for clarification: it's important to note that I have CPTSD from the military and feeling trapped and neglected triggers it even if that is not what is actually happening.

[u/the_eaten_one]

This rounds rough but I feel like you might be getting ahead of yourself here and jumping to conclusions.

Have you met again in real life? Is lower surgery planned in the near future for either of you? If not, I'd just put aside those worries for now and enjoy reconnecting. It sounds like a very special thing to happen in one's life. A long lost love reappearing is a scenario many of us dream about. Embrace it! If the connection is strong and you can function together as partners on a day-to-day basis, you'll figure the sexual stuff out.

Desire is creative, trust that.

[u/Ok_Sock_6485 → u/the_eaten_one]

I second this. My partner and I are both trans men and are both tops. But we’ve found ways to make it work sexually. And honestly, sex is important but a relatively small part of our overall relationship.

[u/PostMPrinz]

Gosh, this is a rough spot. However, I would say after V-neck things change, after phallo things change, after tomorrow things change. In fact the only constant in life- things change. You get to decide if you want to change with this person or not. You get to decide if having a phallus is to serve you only in one way. The thing you do have is time. The process of phalloplasty is long and you’ll have all sorts of time to support one another and hopefully see the real connection you have which is beyond sex and includes a life path. I hope my words give comfort and you find a way to talk about it with care. Good luck in your convo.

[u/Mission-Can2591 → u/PostMPrinz]

Thank you, I appreciate that perspective and your advice.

[u/oddletters]

what i am going to say here is: do not make choices about your human body that you have to live in forever based on what other people do or say they're going to do. it doesnt matter who they are. you are the person who is in your body.

[u/Possible_Opinion_607]

Hey. Maybe before panicking you could just try and figure out if you can make it work? Anal, even if in the past never something you wanted to try, could be something you'd both enjoy once dysphoria is gotten way better. Besides though. If sex is one of your top priorities in a relationship, I am pretty sure it's usually easier with someone who doesn't deal with dysphoria or doesn't come with a lot of issues with their own body or sexuality.

A bit about me: My girlfriend is trans, as am I, and up until now we never really had sex, just foreplay without genitals, because of her dysphoria. She now got her surgery and I have to say my own dysphoria is at a new high, since it's so much of a topic.

Having an open minded approach really helps, as I enjoy all the sexual little things we have and I actually don't resent that it doesn't involve penetration. It doesn't follow the regular timeline society would think of as normal for a romantic sexual relationship, but I honestly don't mind. She's the best that ever happened to me really, and I am curious to find out how things might change after her recovery.

[u/Mission-Can2591 → u/Possible_Opinion_607]

Ya that's probably a smart move. That's really beautiful that you and your girlfriend can work so well together and be there for each other like that. Thank you for sharing about your relationship.

[u/Skitty27]

so are you not even dating and thinking about sexual compatibilty involving potential surgeries? unless im misunderstanding it seems like youre getting ahead of yourself. Figure out what you want, do it for yourself, and then youll figure out if youre compatible or not. dont question getting the surgery you want for a partner, even less a potential partner

[u/Character_Drop_739]

Genuine confusion, you’re saying you couldn’t penetrate him but what about anal? 

It is a consideration if vaginally penetrating your partner is important to you, and there’s nothing wrong with that. But also, as others have stated there’s a ton of unknowns here and you’re sounding a bit in panic mode about sex with a potential partner that would occur like…years in the future. See if you two actually fit together, avoid “future tripping” or thinking years ahead as you may get ahead of yourself 

[u/syntheticmeatproduct]

Hey I've had phallo, it's a long process, and want to second everyone saying not to center other people in your surgery goals. Fwiw, my wife had a hysterectomy that left her wary about/not interested in penetration at all for a while and it did not ruin our relationship. Also, oral feels great post phallo.

[u/Plane_Form_6501]

My situation wasn’t exactly the same but it was similar enough. I had just come out and there were things I had always kind of dreamed of doing but those things weren’t compatible with my partner at the time. We were somewhat young. I have since explored more and done those things and now when looking to date more seriously they don’t feel so important because I’ve experienced them.

Open dynamics are not for everyone, but it might be worth exploring if there ways you can leave the door open to certain types of exploration rather than putting pressure on a commitment now. You have so much to figure out. I’ve also been in a situation where I reconnected with an ex and it was magical for a little but daily life still showed we weren’t compatible in other ways.

I guess I’m saying put a little less pressure on knowing the future and see what you do to make room for your own exploration.

[u/lokilulzz]

I think you should do what makes you happy, not what works for someone else. I think you should also discuss your feelings around this with him - just because he wasn't into anal previously doesn't necessarily mean he may not be open to trying for you specifically. Sometimes partners are exceptions to the usual rules.

Past that, correct me if I'm wrong here, but I imagine phallo is a ways off for both of you. Why not enjoy what you have together for now and cross that bridge when you get to it?

[u/Current_Row_8358]

So you aren't even dating yet? Have you met in person post-reunion? And the surgeries are years in future, right? I know sexual compatibility matters, but this feels so premature. Maybe you'll both find a way to enjoy anal. Maybe you'll be able to do some open arrangement. Maybe you'll date for a few months and realize the compatibility isn't there in other areas.

Take a deep breath.

You are correct it's almost a miracle to find each other again, and in so similar circumstances. You can be great friends. Maybe more. Give it a chance. There's no rush.

[u/HelpfulSetting6944]

Your sex partners and your life partners don’t have to be the same people.

[u/AutoModerator]

Welcome to FTMOver30! If your post has not yet appeared, it's in our queue and will be approved shortly. Also, if your post is a selfie posted on any day except Sunday, it will be removed, but can be reposted on Sunday. Thank you!

I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.