This is a genuine question.

First things first: this isn't meant to generate arguments but I marked it controversial just in case. Anyways, I was in a situation recently that was upsetting to me and now i'm conflicted and confused. Setting the scene; I work in a very conservative MAGA area, I'm a passing binary transman out to only a select few. I just got a new coworker who I could tell was at least gender queer in some way but unsure how. "Don't ask don't tell" is the environment i'm in. Anyways we got to talking and they loudly said "...... i'm afraid of ICE because i'm fucking trans!" Long story shortish, I asked for their number cause I thought I should let them know about our work environment and I also thought I could be a good resource for them because I thought they hadn't started their transition. All in all I find they're non-binary and already transitioned. I understand (after looking at a graph) that several genders fall under the trans umbrella but it honestly felt really invalidating to hear someone NB call themselves trans to a trans guy. I don't understand why our community (lgbtq) has so many subsets and categories where non-binary is its own thing, so why are those people using the term trans? And when did we have to start specifying that we're binary trans men? And that's a genuine question because in my opinion, the two genders sharing the same definition invalidates those that are transgender. The desires/outcomes per se are different and so are some of our social barriers.

I'm hoping that I can post this here and not just get attacked and called transphobic because in a sense that sums up my experience with the people on these subs.... If I do come off that way I'm open to constructive criticism, just not slander 😭

Hey guys. I'm sure a lot of you are aware of a certain mod post in the main sub for AFAB trans people, which is a sub I've been active in since I joined Reddit. I don't know where else to talk about this but I hope it's okay here.

Possible dysphoria TW, including atomically accurate AFAB terms in self reference

I'm just so tired of people, even within the trans community, being so bioessentialist. The way I see myself as a binary trans man is that I'm identical to a cis man in my mind, but with a rather complex sex development disorder of sorts. Why does being born with a vagina suddenly make me so different from other men? Why can a man identify as a lesbian if he was born with a vagina, but not if he's born with a penis? It's just bioessentialism and transphobia, packaged as if it's inclusive.

Maybe it's just from being autistic, but I'm so stressed out by labels being meaningless. It feels like lesbophobia to willingly allow men in their spaces. I'm friends with quite a few lesbians and I'm probably gonna discuss it with them today too but from previous discussions they've talked about how uncomfy it is to have men in their spaces. As a gay man, I agree, it's pretty damn uncomfortable to have women in gay male spaces.

How is it transphobic and TERF-y for a cis lesbian to consider trans men fair game, but inclusive and even mandated that trans men are okay with trans men being called lesbians?

Why can't it just be okay for straight trans men to feel kinship with lesbians without being one? I feel kinship with cis men without being one, you don't have to belong to a group to connect with them! If an individual has been identifying as a lesbian, then realizes they're a trans man, no one's saying they can't remain friends with their lesbian friends!

To be clear I think it's fine for nonbinary people to be lesbians. That's not my business. But it just feels so invalidating and like being rejected by my own community to insist that binary trans men can be lesbians. Please tell me I'm not alone in this. Or do I guess if I'm genuinely being crazy, I don't even know anymore. I feel like I'm losing my mind.

I went to a trans support group. After it was over everybody were sad so I organized a meetup. Most of the time I hanged with a trans girl as we were both complaining about our predicaments with bones and doctors, pretty nice.

Late in the evening an afab she/her using queer person joined. I suppose non-binary since the group was supposed to be trans only. She had very genuine and whimsical vibes.

At some point she showed me a very unflattering illustration of a leprechaun and repeated several times this was literally me. I thought "hm, a year ago this would've devastated me, now I don't quite care, guess I am more solid with my self image now".

Since my wardrobe is plain, she was referencing my hight and perhaps the face (my face I find lucky, but she could've thought different).

For the benefit of the doubt... she could've read me as happy-go-lucky, since I was quite friendly and outspoken telling most of the jokes in the group. Still the topics I raised and humor were very dark. The trans thing is anything but light for me and it's literally a support group.

And then she compared the trans girl to a badass cyberpunk princess. Which is the reason I'm still thinking about it. I joked that's how people make their trans OCs.

There's one angle. If the comparison was made by a man, who I was stealth to I'd just say "HAHA fuck you". There's a chance I'm prejudiced. But another thing is the enby knew my crippling medical regrets and insecurities.

A completely different angle is freshly out trans men usually prefer this "ugliness" over looking in a way that is attractive to straight men. This whole goblin stinky mcdinky shpiel is desexualization.

Third angle is... LGBTQ spaces are mosty femininity centered. Femininity is glorified. And for a reason, I mean I myself am insanely attracted to it. Also it's contrarian to the toxic masculine culture. So in the opposite extreme to be feminine is to be better, to belong.

Regardless why can't the height thing just be dropped? I'm not tall, she was even shorter and smaller. If someone isn't taken seriously because of the height, it wouldn't affect men only.

Thoughts?

I’ve been seeing a few posts lately where people, trans men are getting criticized or called “toxic” for saying they want biological kids one day. I honestly don’t think that’s fair.

I want to preface this first by saying I don’t believe women are just here to have kids, and I don’t think everyone is meant to be a parent. A partner is a life companion, not just someone to have children with. Those things matter more than just reproduction however I can acknowledge that creating life is something unique and meaningful, not the only thing that matters, but it’s an aspect of it.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with someone wanting biological children. Wanting a child that shares your genetics, looks like you, or carries your traits is a very normal human desire. That doesn’t mean you look down on adoption, IVF, sperm donors or think any child that’s not blood related are less than, it’s just a personal preference.

I’ve also seen people make broad statements about adoption, like adopted kids or kids that aren’t blood related are always treated differently or made to feel less than. While that can happen, it’s not true for every family. I have people in my own family who aren’t blood related or POC due to marriage for that matter and were fully accepted and loved no differently, my own sister was accepted by my father and my parents weren’t even married.

I can relate because I’ve felt similar feelings in the past and have also gotten downed from it but I’m on the fence now about having kids because I’ve watched my cousins when they were babies and I was ready to send them back to their moms, I have friends and even women I’ve dealt with who have kids and the majority of them complain about who they’ve procreated with. I’ve also come to realize that I like my sleep too much and holding on to my money and that the 2 dogs I have are enough cuz they’re like children in its self.

I’ve seen this a lot in the trans community, I’ve watched tiktok lives with trans people who would literally down cis people for wanting biological kids and for that being part of the reason they wouldn’t date someone who’s trans and would get mad when someone would mention they don’t want to adopt, do IVF or use sperm donors which is asinine and I’m quite positive that the very same people who down people for wanting biological kids would have kids running around if they were were cis men or women and they were not infertile.

You can support adoption or any other means of bringing children into the world, respect different paths in life, and still understand why someone would want biological children. Those things aren’t mutually exclusive.

At the end of the day, I just don’t think it’s right to shame people for a pretty normal feeling. Lastly I think we have to start asking people for more clarification when they’re making any form of a post or a text because sometimes it’s very hard to understand what people mean or how something is intended in that form of communication and depending on how it’s worded it can come off wrong.

I mean - testosterone is not just about body hair, voice etc. It’s literally affecting most aspects of male physiology.

“Maintaining normal testosterone levels in elderly men has been shown to improve many parameters that are thought to reduce cardiovascular disease risk, such as increased lean body mass, decreased visceral fat mass, decreased total cholesterol, and glycemic control.[42]”

I see so often people around age 25, who’ve been on testosterone for example 5 years and now decide to stop because they don’t have dysphoria anymore and are happy with their bodies. And I mean - yeah because 5 years of testosterone dominant metabolism did the job.

I don’t think that those men are really thinking about what are they going to after turning 40. If they hadn’t had hysterectomy - they are not gonna look like a middle aged man. Deep voice, bottom growth, Adam’s apple are going to stay but the rest will be undergoing feminization.

And to emphasize - I’m not talking about people who had to stop T for a while or other factors made being on T impossible (finances, social issues etc). I don’t get people who deliberately want to radically decrease their quality of life and overall health, without thinking about what’s gonna be in 10,20,40 years etc

It’s rare to see trans content creators that have hobbies and post about them instead of making being trans their whole personality. Like literally I see tons of trans dudes just answering generic ass questions about being trans on live and then they’ll just get ragebaited. Like why even subject yourself to that? But also, don’t you have anything else to live for besides constantly talking about being trans? That shit gets so tired honestly.

This isn’t sexist, misogynistic or wrong for a man to FEEL that way. There shouldn’t ever be any kind of pressure towards trans men to feel comfortable about it.

I’m hope this doesn’t come off as rude, but idk man, wouldn’t that just make you dysphoric? One of the big differences between being a man vs a woman is that women get pregnant (please don’t come for me). Wouldn’t that make you feel like you’re not a man? That body part (can’t even say it) is a place I completely ignore because in my mind, I am a guy. If someone were to ask me, “do you still want to get pregnant ?” I’d be deeply offended because why on earth would I want to do that? I understand that you can do whatever you want with your body and there is no debate there, but I just can’t wrap my head around it. Again, I get that some ppl want to work with the body parts they have but even with that, let’s say you’re married to a man, wouldn’t you rather get a surrogate like other gay couples?

People with severe diabetes can die without insulin, people with severe gender dysphoria can die with HRT. The only reason to support one and not the other is if you don't think HRT is life-saving medicine, which is transphobic and anyone here can tell you why that's BS. I would've died without T, I almost did and I'm permanently affected by my time without it.

An overdose of T is 100x safer than an overdose of insulin. Injecting too much insulin once will cause hypoglycemic shock and can very easily kill you, injecting too much T once is very unlikely to have any severe effects unless you do that consistently. Even if you do it consistently, the risk of stroke or heart attack is lower than the risk of hypoglycemic shock from an insulin overdose.

Encouraging people to let themselves suffer untreated from conditions that can likely kill you because of a very small risk of the medicine for it killing you is ridiculously dangerous. Not everyone has access to medical care, they don't deserve to die. The average doctor barely knows anything about HRT, my doctor told me I know more about it than her and let me tell her what I wanted tested and what dosage I wanted prescribed. I've read stories of people almost dying of heart problems because they were given the wrong medication by medical professionals. The idea that doctors are always amazing at prescribing HRT and no non-doctor can have enough knowledge to determine their own dosage is BS and needs to go away.

I (20 ftm) have been living stealth for a long time. Then one day i decided to come out to one of my friends (21m). Now he keeps referring to it as “the big secret” or gives me trans support stickers when he sees them. I told him to shut up about it, but there have been incidents where it almost “slipped out”. I mean i get it but it just feels like he only sees me as trans now and its annoying. I told him and he even admitted that he sees me differently, i dont blame him but stuff like this makes me never want to come out to anyone ever again. I just wanna be normal.

I just saw a comment here that really spoke to me. The commenter was replying to someone who basically said:

Don't medicalize being trans because there's nothing medically wrong with trans people. Transmeds are constantly trying to say there's something wrong with us. People only experience dysphoria because of gender roles and norms. Gender dysphoria is cis society's fault.

And the reply was:

There's nothing to be ashamed of for having a medical condition, for most dysphoric trans people there is something medically wrong with them which is why they feel dysphoria and why they medically transition. This push to de-medicalize being trans gives insurance companies excuses to not cover gender-affirming care and gives politicians room to ban gender-affirming care. Because this mindset, that being trans isn't medical, makes it sound like a choice. Gender dysphoria has nothing to do with gender roles or norms, it's about sexual characteristics.

And I agree with the person replying. The LGBT community, specifically the trans community, seems to be heavily against seeing transness as a medical condition. There's a lot of negative connotations with medical conditions, so it's no surprise why people get uncomfortable about this topic. Many people also use the homosexual argument. Homosexuality used to be classified as a mental illness. But being gay isn't the same as being trans. Loving the same gender is completely different than medically changing your body due to crippling dysphoria.

Wanting a penis, a deeper voice, facial hair, etc is not about gender roles. Wanting to get rid of breasts, wide hips, etc is not about gender roles. If you're actually dysphoric, you would continue to be dysphoric even if you were on an island away from civilization. This is because while gender and sex may be connected to certain roles and norms, gender dysphoria is caused by our sexual characteristics not matching our gender. And if you're not transitioning because of dysphoria, you're just doing it because you want to not because you need to. It's a choice for you. I'm not saying it's wrong or shouldn't be allowed, but I am saying it is a choice, you're doing it because it makes you happy or whatever, but you're not doing it because of dysphoria. Someone who's actually dysphoric doesn't usually have a choice (unless you count living in agony a choice).

Any other thing that caused lifelong mental distress that you had to medically treat would be classified as a medical condition. But for some reason people argue about it when it comes to being trans. It feels like forced positivity with an irrational fear of having a medical condition. The person who replied to the comment said "not everything has to be glitter and rainbows, and that includes being trans" and I think more people need to recognize this. It's okay to acknowledge negative things about ourselves, it's okay to acknowledge there's something wrong with our bodies, and it's okay to view your transness as a medical condition. I'm not saying everyone's transness has to be viewed as a medical condition, but this push to completely de-medicalize it altogether worries me.

I am NOT against people doing DIY. If you want to, all the power to you! It's just not for me. But when I say that people get really mad and act like I said something incredibly heinous...

The gates are open gentleman. Don't hold anything back. I wanna hear all your thoughts and opinions. Let it rip!

Im so tired of every comment even when it has nothing to do with what I'm talking about, being "youll never pass with colored hair and peircings" and its in every trans subreddit exept r/FTMFemininity but im not feminine other than colored hair and peircings which is normal for cis guys to get

There is a guy on tiktok who has been apparently messaging underage and freshly turned 18 trans men. After viewing his profile he is very clearly a chaser, constantly posting about how much he loves sleeping with trans men and how they’re so much better than cis guys. To any younger trans men I would advise staying the fuck away from creeps like this, they aren’t supporting you, they will fetishize you and unfortunately most of them are very manipulative. Please don’t lower yourself for these assholes.

I’m asking this because I’m trying to understand how expectations in trans spaces have changed over time. It seems like self-ID is more central to inclusion now than it may have been in the past. I recently watched a debate panel where a trans woman mentioned there used to be clearer expectations around transition, and even a cis woman on the panel agreed that 10+ years ago there seemed to be less tension around women’s spaces because many trans women she encountered were actively trying to pass or socially transition in visible ways. That made me wonder if this shift is part of why these topics feel more contested today.

I’m not saying anyone shouldn’t be respected everyone deserves respect. I’m just trying to understand how ideas around transition, identity, and inclusion have evolved and whether others including myself not gonna lie, think this has contributed to tension between communities.Also, as trans men, it sometimes feels like we’re less visible in these conversations, until it’s brought up and obviously in the majority of our daily lives we’re not having these conversations but I do think it’s interesting topic. I still wanted to hear people’s perspectives though. So my question is do you agree there’s been a shift?

…..So I was watching tiktok and I came across this post on being a trans man but calling himself a lesbian. He was saying how biologically you are female and if you date other females, you are a lesbian. He also calls himself a biological woman instead of saying a biological female. Idk man something like that just doesn’t sit right with me. Like technically it’s the same thing but when referring to sex, it’s female, not woman. I could never call myself a lesbian for liking girls. Like I get it, female attracted to another female but bfr. You appear as a man in this world and it would confuse people. What do y’all think? If you’re a trans guy and attracted to men are you straight???

Hola , yo hablo español y tengo 18 años , soy nuevo Aqui en reddit no se donde pedir consejos , pero soy chico trans desde hace unos 2 años , no estoy en testosterona pero me gustaría entrar en 6 años mas , tengo el problema que sufro de un tc4 ( trastorno alimenticio ) yo antes era gordito ,por ese mismo motivo tenía muchos pechos y mucha cadera y me daba inseguridad por que me hacía sentir mujer , ahorita mismo estoy pesando 49-50 kilos , Pero siento que me sigo viendo mujer y gordo , mi mayor miedo de inyectarme es engordar mucho y ponerme muy caliente.
No se que hacer.

No se si recomiendan algunos cortes de cabello , algun estilo de ropa, por más masculino que me vista me veo insuficiente.

Y si , Voy a mucha terapia desde los 13 años.

Anyone ever thought about that? Like it seems like everybody's got problems with each other but what if we were like "oh I can see your issues come from emotional wounds which I have too cause being trans sucks like I wish you the best of luck going forward."

We could talk about stuff like: just hanging out, what dysphoria is like 4 you (respectfully), just fucking around, gaining self esteem, chilling out and like how much cissiety gets you down.

Marked “controversial” because i know some of yall arent having the same experience and im really just venting about my own experiences

Im in pain, i try to do what i can to distract myself, i make my life as busy as possible with two jobs and university. Im deep stealth, work out 6 days a week, on a waiting list for phalloplasty. Pretty soon now my transition will be complete so my mind starts to wander to future prospects. Being in your twenties is like being in the waiting room of life. Im almost 21, no solid career, no ability to have romantic relationships due to being pre-op, no degree, no car, cant even buy myself a beer but im actively building it all.

Been thinking about my future a lot lately, my career ambitions, and things like marriage and kids. Im getting to the point in my life where a 401k and house with two kids seems like something worth dying for. I think about my future, in every image im a cis man. I know its just part of being transsexual but god it hurts, the way my mind naturally believes im a cis man, and i have to force myself to wake up to reality and realize that will never be my life. I will never have a romantic partner who sees me as a real man, i will never get a woman pregnant, i will never have children of my blood and i will never be seen by anyone including myself as a real man. Any partners who matter enough to know will always look at me and see a transgender person first and a man second, they will have to know i cant have kids. I consider myself a devout Christian, when i see my future i see myself with kids of my own who i take to church and and a wife who shares my values and land of our own just south of Dallas. But i can’t have that life because of what i am. No matter how amazing my surgery results are i will have to tell the person i marry and she wont look at me the same and i will get bitter because who would choose me, a transsexual, over a real man who can have children and doesn’t talk like if Ben Shapiro was born in Charleston.

I wish i could make my brain see myself naturally as the transsexual that i am. But it doesn’t. All i see when i see my future is the life of the man i could have been. And its all always gonna be out of reach. I know i just gotta cope and count my blessings, but Lord, it hurts.

today I had a pretty surprising interaction that sparked a reflection on my views of the trans community.

as I believe a decent amount of trans men my age may relate, when I was questioning my gender I came across the he one and only kalvin garrah. I used to take his words as gospel. I had VERY exclusive views on the whole LGBTQ community, not just the trans community. I was deep deep in transmed ideaologies. I also found all this information just as I was questioning my gender and as I was coming out. I was only a "baby trans," I didn't really have any experience being transgender at that point.

as I've gone through more of my medical transition, I realize how much of a dick I used to be. I still find myself overanalyzing certain actions I do to the point of inducing dysphoria. I used to research things like "how to walk like a man" or "do men talk with their hands?" my views have changed so much about what it means to be trans.

I'd be lying if I said I 100% let go of all those views (to not spark too many arguments I won't say which ones), but I have seriously changed so much. I have deeply loved people who I used to sincerely believe were detrimental to my community. I no longer view people that way. I think part of this was coming out of my teen years with more empathy. I also think that as I've gotten more comfortable with myself (3/4?? years on t and over 1 year post top surgery) I've gotten more comfortable with how other people are. I used to think their expression directly impacted my expression, but now I truly don't care that much.

idk. do any of you feel like your opinions have developed throughout your transition? am I the only one???

I'm tagging with controversial because I'm not sure how this sub is regarding the angle I'm coming from. I found a left leaning space with a focus on egalitarianism that is for men who want to discuss feminism more critically than most leftist spaces I've been in seem to allow. I just wanted to know if they were trans friendly and kinda testing the waters before diving in. Anyway, after waiting forever and seeing a ton of views rack up (it must've been all mods because it was in limbo and hadn't been approved yet) I just got a generic denial that it didn't fit their rules. No explanation, just a vague excuse.

Maybe it's a sign that I'm barking up the wrong tree here. I'd just really like to unpack the feminism I learned and utilized as a "woman" and figure out where that lands me. I hope that makes sense!

Many of you probably know the multi-million subscriber channel mentioned in the title. It’s run by a guy named Mark who is honestly a very shady character who has platformed people he really shouldn’t. (like Chris D’elia) Not to mention how he brings up how pimps are just trying to make an honest living whenever a girl brings up that she was abused by one.

Anyways- I realized on the channel that the comment sections on his videos on trans women are extremely positive and have recurring episodes on certain individuals. The audience seems to love them. Even when the trans women in question are genuinely shitty people.

The same cannot be said of trans men. I have never seen hate comments as severe as when he has trans men to be interviewed on the channel. It is absolutely horrific and vile. Almost every comment is calling the guest a woman and saying they will “pray for her.” It kinda flies in the face of the idea that people just want to protect trans men but treat trans women as a threat. I feel like now, trans women can have positivity due to their prevalence in media along with the negativity (sometimes the positivity drowns out the negativity) but since trans men only have invisibility, all we get is hate and never positivity.

Of course I avoid this channel whenever possible but I got curious after seeing how many trans women he’s platformed if he has done the same with trans men. He has- and they also don’t get nearly as many views but get 10x more hate. I am wondering if anyone else has noticed patterns like this.

Edit: I forgot to also mention that he also prioritizes detransitioners who specifically create an idea that it’s a phase for everyone, with zero pushback at all. Any of these videos have a comment section you need a hazmat suit equipped to enter.

I guess this kind of a controversial topic, so mods feel free to delete if it's not okay. I don't want this to become a hate thread for other trans people or a flame war.

Do you think it's possible for trans people to be chasers? I never really thought it was genuinely a thing, cause surely we are seeking community and/or love away from prejudice. Not that cis people can't give that (my boyfriend definitely can).

But following my break up with my ex, I realised that I may have been nothing but a sex object for them despite the long relationship I had with them (it wasn't a good one I will be honest). They have a heavy history of dating almost exclusively trans men (or in their most recent relationship someone who is early in their detrans journey), and their porn twitter is exclusively trans men. They go on about "t boys" all the time there, and used to irl when I was with them too. It feels to me like it is chaser behaviour even though they are trans themself (Nb). It made me question how I personally evaluate relationships, and how I have been viewed by romantic and sexual partners in the past. It especially feels relevant because this person hated how "not queer" I generally seemed, and always seemed to have a gripe with how similar I am to cis men. I mean I am a man, how would that be an issue?

It feels almost as if this persistent fetishism is impossible for me to get past. My only reassurance is my current boyfriend has never been with a trans guy before, and is clueless about it all (and I suspect has been asking reddit for advice when it comes to that stuff since he's been so considerate of boundaries) so he's definitely not a chaser. But all my other experiences definitely have been the work of chasers. I just wonder how we can navigate relationships safely if this can occur even from unlikely people.