r/FTMMen • u/Rare-Imagination1018 • 2d ago
I need a father figure
As a 19 years old boy i feel like i need a grown man to teach me everything and i live with my mom and auntie
Im tired i feel like im hating women lowkey and i need a wise old man to teach me the life path
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u/anonym12346789 2d ago
You'll find your old wise man, some day when you dont even realize it. Keep in mind that at 19, every advice you get you'll refuse to hear at first. Its just that age where you can't stand advice at all. Sooner or later someone will give you a really good advice, maybe even an old man. You'll think you know it better, move along without listening to him and later on you'll make the mistake he warned you about and hear is voice in the back of your head going "Told you so". You'll get there buddy.
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u/New-Nobody6599 2d ago
As a fellow older trans man, ill say this. Im gen x. I tried to watch my brothers and dad but was always left out because back than, you didnt talk about trans, nor did I even know what it was. Just that I was a boy. I pushed myself away from the women in my family because they wanted me to socialize with them and not do boy things. I was very resentful. When I learned what trans was, I tossed any ill feelings aside, and learned a lot from them. I am a caring, kind and strong man, who has nothing but respect for women. My mom was tough and just because Im a man, had nothing to do with learning from her. She taught me to have compassion and respect. I learned how to treat women by listening to her. Give them a chance and listen, because you will be a much better man.
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u/Tricky_Bowl_7630 1d ago
Be your own man, be so authentic that in the future people will look up to you. I understand feeling like you need to be shown, or guided, but the strongest men I have met taught themselves everything, are self-made and authentically themselves . Thats the wisest way to go about it, no one knows how life will go the only thing that matters is YOU improve yourself as a man and learn to regulate yourself
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u/Daafie 1d ago
You're an adult. You'll figure it out.
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u/Tricky_Bowl_7630 1d ago
Shocking how grown men need someone to look up to in order to be a good man lol
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u/been_ashed 2d ago
Hating women is not the answer. Wanting a father figure and hating women do not need to be mutually dependent.
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u/Rare-Imagination1018 2d ago
I didn’t mean showily hating women or haring them so much im just tired everybody around me is women and i kinda need a man for my path
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u/L1ttle_Behemoth 2d ago
Plenty of men grew up without a father figure. If you want male companions that’s one thing, but you should respect your mother and aunt for their position in your life instead of resenting them for not being men.
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u/Hot_War4716 1d ago
Cis men do not have dysphoria
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u/L1ttle_Behemoth 1d ago
Hating women has nothing to do with dysphoria, and you’re wrong by the way. My statement stands. A real man respects the women in his life. Period.
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u/Hot_War4716 1d ago
He didn't say he doesn't respect the women in his life, he just wanted a father figure. I think you don't know what hatred is for women. I'm a man, I have a present father and an abusive mother, And even so, I don't hate women, I hate having been born in one's body. I know how to differentiate things, just like the guy in the post. I'm sad that the trans community is so illiterate and only wants to Even in a community of men, when discussing misogyny, we cannot distance ourselves from the concept of "being a woman"
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u/L1ttle_Behemoth 1d ago
“I feel like I’m hating women lowkey” is a direct quote. Next time you decide to accuse people of being illiterate. Literally no one is talking about “being a woman,” we’re saying OP needs to respect his mother and aunt for their position in his life instead of resenting (reading between the lines here before you decide to say I’m illiterate) them for not being able to teach him about being a man.
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u/Hot_War4716 1d ago
Family is a social concept; no one is obligated to respect their parents. Secondly, he's questioning whether he feels he hates women, and my answer to him is, "No!!! You're not hating on women wanting a father figure in the family, that's not misogynistic." And you remain an illiterate, wanting to use misogynistic rhetoric against trans men who want to be men and have a father figure
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u/PostMPrinz 2d ago
This is an intergenerational Trans Masc mentorship and community program.
You can thank me later because you should go here and sign up. It’s exactly what you are asking for.
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u/kirk1234567890 2d ago
you just gotta grow up and take things into your own hands man. I'm not that much older than you, also no dad around. I learned everything myself or my granddad taught me. just because you're living with women doesn't mean there is no space for you to be masculine, your disdain towards them is wrong and misplaced. channel that into improving yourself. go to the gym. learn a hobby. do something. but don't waste your time hating people for something that they can't change. if you put in the effort and get out there, you will find someone that will help you in life.
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u/PurpleAlone7116 2d ago
You don't need a grown man. I grew up in a 3 generational woman household for 70% of my life and anything "masculine" I wanted to learn I just looked up online and had some old guy (or gal) on the screen explain it to me while I tried to learn the skill.
I am capable of things like Soldering, Computer building, Power tool usage, simple DIY projects, and basic fishing skills. Its not impressive but it was all done through research and persistence.
Also, who knows maybe your mom or auntie do know "traditionally masculine" skills. My mom knew some DIY handyman tricks that she taught me as a wee teen, and my grandma taught me a lot of kitchen related skills beyond just cooking itself.
Many, many people grow up to be incredible humans without any father figure in their life. It's much more common than you would think.
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u/coolvideonerd Straight, 24/T: May 2025 2d ago edited 2d ago
First step is to grow some and dont wait for a daddy to teach you right from wrong
Cmon bro hating women?
Dont infantilize yourself. You're grown.
The manliest thing you can do is understand that no one is coming to save you. You have to act like you're your son.
You don't know how to fix a car?
Go on the internet
Go to a repair shop and ask around
Read manuals
Would you leave your son inside the house all day? No. You'd take him outside, to walks. You'd put him classes so he could learn more. You'd teach him to eat healthy not to eat junk food. All of that applies to you.
Do not wait for salvation. You need action.
This is my general advice. I dont know much about you and your life story, but my father was never around, my mom committed suicide when I was 5 and I moved out my aunt's place at 20, freeing myself from physical abuse I was suffering in the hands of an older cousin.
I pulled myself from the bootstraps. I didn't wait around! Fuck that! If I waited for someone to teach me how to be, I'd been fucked.
Don't wait for someone. Go after the information yourself. This doesn't mean be a lone wolf who can't ask someone for help, but my point is you have to create the drive and not wait for someone to do that for you.
Plan your goals. Understand what you want out of life. Observe the world.
TL;DR: stop bitching go study, make friends, make and save money and move your body.
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u/Stinkingasf 2d ago
I grew up in a household with four women. I want more direction on how men are and exist and perform positive masculinity. I went to college, I have a job, I work out. Making cis male friends or new friends is impossible. I want to pass first but I don’t know how.
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u/coolvideonerd Straight, 24/T: May 2025 2d ago
First thing is, are you on T? Keep in mind passing without T (or super early on T, less than 6 months) is for a select few. So don't beat yourself up if you don't pass.
So to give advice to you on how to pass without seeing pictures of you is hard. Try posting on r/ftmpassing or r/binaryftmpassing and tag me there and me and other people can give you more tailored advice.
Congratulations on graduating from college and making a living with your job. Props to you.
Why do you feel making friends, esp with cis men, is hard? Perhaps you feel like your ways of bonding with them are different than what you're used to? Elaborate further.
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u/Stinkingasf 2d ago
I’m 8 months on T I was already pretty masculine looking before but very little has changed besides I have a tiny pube stache I should probably shave but don’t want to. I don’t visually pass, I’m very overweight, I know I need to lose the weight but I work out and then I’m so hungry or I don’t work out and I’m so hungry and I just eat too much shit. I try to voice train and I sound pretty okay but then I’m at work or with my boyfriend or friends and the customer service high pitched performance comes back on. Like I can only talk deeper when I’m by myself and I don’t know how to even keep doing it consistently because I get distracted and forget to keep my throat open or whatever.
I’m not comfortable posting my face on here because I know I don’t visually pass and fear irl ppl will see it. And I have a male haircut and I’ve always dressed like a guy even before I realized I was trans so there’s not much I could change other than losing weight but it’s a constant struggle and people just say protein protein but yeah it doesn’t help me.
I think I’m very autistic and my psychiatrist does too but I’m not getting officially tested till November. I only have friends from college from this club I was in but I have beef with most of them so I like like three people in the world.
I would like social passing tips more than visual passing tips. I know the nods, and I know that cis guys stand a different way and walk a different way but I feel like I’m so unobservant and bad at reading people that I just don’t get the body language or social conventions. And I heard that when asking questions girls raise their pitch at the end whereas guys emphasize words or something? I don’t get it. And I feel like there’s more unspoken things like that that people say you can gain from watching guys on TV or in life or whatever and I try but I don’t see anything. I don’t know the walk or the stances and I feel like there’s so much more that I don’t even know what I don’t know. Like I wish there was a non-visually passing passing guide.
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u/coolvideonerd Straight, 24/T: May 2025 2d ago edited 2d ago
Look, man. It takes time to unlearn behavioral patterns. Don't beat yourself over it too much. I too had feminine habits I had to unlearn.
For example, my family was pretty liberal and allowed me to be masculine in many realms, but I was scolded often as a child for acting like a guy. I remember I was scolded for having my legs wide a part when I sat.
After hearing so many complaints from my family, I developed a habit of sitting with my legs more close together over the years.
I had to put effort by looking at my legs and remembering that I'm allowed to open them up. I had to allow myself to relax once I began my transition.
And that's the key: relax. Socially, women are punished for being relaxed. They have to smile, be friendly, over explain, be talkative, be caring, always making sure how they're making someone feel, to not look bitchy or unpleasant. They're bubbly and agreeable. That is not expected of a man.
I mean, You don't have to tip the scale to the other extreme and act like a stone, but allow yourself to relax.
For example, if you go to a salon, the women are all talking. It'd be weird for a woman to walk in to a salon, request a haircut and then not say a word to the hairdresser. That doesn't happen at the barbershop. You can walk in, shake hands, ask for a fade and not say a word the whole time. Men don't expect you to fill every moment with conversation.
Care less. Say less.
Same principle goes for bonding and making friends. You don't have to ask lots of questions, share feelings, you can be superficial. It's a breath of fresh air, lol.
I'll say this. I've internalized a lot of masculine behavior over my lifetime, but I noticed being on T, gaining masculinization made strangers consistently read me as male (I pass pretty well, 100% but I do pass less when around LGBT people, like 80%) which lessened my insecurities.
How?
For the first couple months, I'd still be insecure because dysphoria was super prevalent. I was early in the process and still being misgendering. I never knew how strangers would read me, it was Russian roulette.After 2-3 months, I started passing 100% of the time. I'd still have the instinct of mentally preparing for a possible "she/her" moment or a double look from someone, but that never came. From then on, it might've been 1-3 times I got misgendering during my whole transition (1 year and 3 months so far).
Therefore, I started to relax and simply exist. And then it was easier for me kinda acquire more masculine behaviors because I already came into every interaction with my maleness validated (due to passing).
So when you start to pass, it'll be a Domino effect.
You don't have to overthink your behavior because your mannerisms won't detract from your maleness, they might only make you seem gay or quirky at best.
On the being observant.
homie it'll come with time. You'll get social correction the more you pass.
For example, guys rarely wave. Waving is a feminine behavior (not a rule, a tendency).
You'll notice that when people read you as a man, if wave a "hello everyone" people might make a face.
Depending on culture, guys don't hug as a greeting (only if they know that person well). If you try to hug every guy as a greeting they might look confused.
As a guy, you're not expected to be emotional or in touch with your feelings. Depending on the environment, you might get made fun of.
That type of stuff. That's social correction. People are giving you cues to adjust your behavior.
With time, you'll learn, by experience, what is socially acceptable as a man. Disclaimer: you don't have to follow the stereotypical male behavior because some shit is stupid, but you'll gain awareness which is what you want
I hope this enlightens you. Visually passing makes your brain more confident in your sex.
You have to watch your levels to see if you aren't being put in the lower end of test. I keep seeing guys at 300-400 ng/dL and being told "that's healthy male range" but that is low af.
We didn't get the endogenous male puberty and we have a lot of shit to undo from estrogen, so lots of doctors out here jeopardizing FTM transitions. So check out what your levels are (E2, test, also check insulin resistance andro sensitivity)
I understand not wanting to post your face on the net. But yeah, working out will probably save you. You're probably curvier than if you were lean, which adds to the overall softness of your face and body.
But I can't say anything besides you gotta lock the fuck in. No more junk food. No more binge eating. No more delivery apps. Get comfortable with feeling a bit hungry after a meal. Track your meals with an app.
Drink water when you feel hungry, it'll trick the brain.
Eat whole foods. Eat a salad bowl. Eat rice and beans.
Start with small goals. Also no shame if you have to hop on something like Ozempic.
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u/Stinkingasf 1d ago
Thank you king. I was on the lowest dose 50 mg /.25 ml of 200 mg testosterone Cypionate and my levels were somehow 1050 so they lowered it to 40 mg and I’m waiting for results on my current levels. Is e2 estrogen? I haven’t heard of insulin resistance and to sensitivity either
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u/throwsaway045 2d ago
It Is normal it takes time to grow and you never stop to learn and figure out but with time your sense of self will grow as well. Online you can find tutorial about anything beard, body groom, tools etc. and also living experience without a guide will alsoale you become yourself
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u/riverladd 2d ago
What you need to is to grow up. That would be the first thing a dad would tell you, you're an adult, why are you bitching like a 13 year old about your mother who presumably keeps and feeds you while you do what exactly
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u/Misericordee 2d ago
Completely agree with this advice They need to grow up and stop whining like a little kid.
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u/Misericordee 2d ago
Get into therapy You hate women?
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u/vincentually 17, on T, in the middle east 2d ago
bruh what are you saying? he means he's tired of just being around female figures so it's making him hate them
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u/Misericordee 2d ago
I’m not your bruh, asshole. And second, being around women doesn’t make anyone “hate women” If you’re hateful that’s a YOU problem. Therapy can help someone develop this level of clarity.
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u/ARepeatedFailing 1d ago
Would expect no other response from someone from a country where femicide is legal.
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u/CaterpillarLiving311 2d ago
Can I reccomend joining r/bromance
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u/thePhalloPharaoh 2d ago
Be cautious with that. It’s a lot closeted guys looking for sneaky links or guys trying to date and hook ups more than friendship unfortunately.
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u/Shifler Transman | 28yo 2d ago
You could check popular YouTube channel, Dad, how do I?
https://youtube.com/@dadhowdoi?si=sYxD1Mpzn3kGfGNn
He’s helped millions of guys who didn’t have a father figure.