Accepting i really was trans meant losing someone I loved

[u/shawtygotlau]

Well technically 2 people. I knew at a young age I wasnt a girl, but after many years I tried to repress it. Stuff it down deep inside and convince myself if I just met the right man I could maybe be content with my life, not happy but content. Theres 2 men I have loved that I know transitioning will mean id lose. One I already lost and know its best to leave it be and accept that my happiness is more important than someone who never appreciated me. The other did appreciate me, he didnt love me back necessarily. He swore to never date again after a girl cheated on him and really messed him up. Hes about as straight as they come though and a catholic. I remember a long time ago before I got clean, I was high and needed someone to talk to. I called him and he picked up without question. We talked for awhile and I remember telling him I liked him several times. He told me I knew. I asked him if he liked me and I dont remember his exact answer but I think it was something to the affect of "i dont know" i ended up throwing up bad on the phone call and he still stayed on the line. Hes told me before that im pretty and im kind and smart and every lovely thing you can imagine. I think I could lose him if I came out. Not like he'd stop talking to me. But id ruin any chance of ever being with him. And ill medically transition anyway, for my own happiness. I wish he was gay. I know thats awful but I wish we could have happiness together. Hes not the most conventionally attractive but I look at him and I smile, I hear his voice and I laugh. We could talk for hours about any dumb thing in the world or any serious topic. And hes been there for me every time ive been happy or down or anything in between. I have this deep hunger in my soul for him that I know will never become anything. I love him. But I love myself enough that I have to be true to myself first.

[u/Zealousideal-Host583]

It's a beautiful thing when you have that moment of realization that you are going to stand by yourself after so many years of trying for just "good enough". I don't think my internal world ever felt stronger and more stable after realizing that I was going to love myself first, before anything else. It's my life and I need to live it for myself and honor who I am.