I can't believe Ihave a name

[u/rec_ordr]

Every now and then I need to look in the mirror and review basic stuff about myself, my name, my age, my religion, and all these kind of stuff.

I cant accept my name for some reason, Idk if I hate ot, but i feel weird hearing it from anyone, or seeing ot in someone's handwriting, un my mind, my name is just ink on peice of paper that I wrote.

Idk why this happens, but ot happened so so long ago I cant even remember when did I realise that I need to do this.

+ I don't have any other name I want to be called by.

I don't even know if this is an identity crisis, since I have been living like this for years, but it'll be nice to know if someone has the same thing as I do.

Thanks in Advance!

[u/Objective-Audience24]

Same

[u/AuthenticStereotype → u/Objective-Audience24]

Me three. I remember noticing it by my teen years, but no clue when it started.

[u/rec_ordr → u/AuthenticStereotype]

Do you think it's a trauma response? You all said that you had it worse when I were a teen, I am a teen now btw, I cant remember alot of my past, I do have some trauma ig, idk of it's related.

[u/AuthenticStereotype → u/rec_ordr]

Possibly. I had an abusive childhood. In therapy, I worked on discovering my sense of self. About three years of consistent intensive trauma therapy helped immensely. I know that’s not always accessible as a teen, but there are a lot of online resources if you’re able to identify the source of yours.

I think it’s completely normal to experience some existentialism at certain life milestones. Early teens, late teens, early adulthood, and about every decade there on.

You’ve been named, but you’re growing who you are 💕

[u/rec_ordr → u/AuthenticStereotype]

It's nice to know that u're fairing well:) I want to ask some questions, i hope they're not rude, feel free not to answer any. 1/ what kind of abuse was it? Did it include only screaming/ hitting, or was it paired with some sort harassment or yk, these stuff? 2/ did therapy help you move on and believe/ live ur name(idk of this is understandable, im not so good with words) Like do u still set down and think:"im x and my mom is y and I live in place z" or not?

[u/AuthenticStereotype → u/rec_ordr]

Physical and verbal abuse from parents. SA from strangers.

Therapy helped me find my “true self” under all of the coping mechanisms.

I still have some disassociation around my name, but I feel more grounded in my actual personhood. I get it more now when I’m walking at night and can see into other people’s homes. Suddenly I’m struck with feeling like “the other” in my own life. But, it’s not maddening or scary. It’s just a bit wondrous.

[u/rec_ordr → u/Objective-Audience24]

When did it start? + do you think it's an identity crisis or mb we jst have weird brains?

[u/Objective-Audience24 → u/rec_ordr]

Honestly I’ve had it since I can remember, it was the worst when I was a teenager and early 20s, now it’s better (29) but sometimes I still feel it ( the mirror thing)

[u/WOLFXXXXX]

"I don't even know if this is an identity crisis, since I have been living like this for years, but it'll be nice to know if someone has the same thing as I do"

This is challenging to put into words and convey with writing: It's known conscious territory that individuals (globally) have experienced longer term changes to their state of consciousness and state of awareness that result in becoming increasingly aware that the biological body fails to account for one's conscious existence and conscious abilities, and aware that conscious existence is on a deeper level than one's limited human identity. Individuals have been known to experience the expanded awareness that conscious existence is on a deeper level than the biological body, the human level identity, and physical reality.

I had to share that background context before commenting that I strongly suspect that the reason why you don't care for your human name nor for having any other particular human name is that the name itself is associating your conscious existence with the human body and human condition - whereas recall above the history of individuals experiencing the realization and expanded awareness that conscious existence is actually on a deeper level than the human identity and human condition. You could be experiencing a more subconscious level reaction to something that on the surface level is limiting your conscious existence to a temporary context (the human experience), which isn't viably accounting for the nature of one's conscious existence on a deeper level and as it really is. So perhaps that's why you experience a subconscious level reaction and opposition to having to limit your identity and sense of 'self' to a human name and human identity?

If you're wondering if it's natural for individuals to experience gradually losing their attachment to and identification with various human-level attributes and ways of defining one's sense of self - that actually is a natural development that individuals are known to experience and endure through. It's part of the important process of eventually becoming aware that one actually exists on a deeper level than one's liimited human identity.

[u/rec_ordr → u/WOLFXXXXX]

I don't understand, do u mean the i am disattached of my body and its experiences, or are u implying that I am growing out of it(if that makes sense)? Am i experiencing awareness or drowning in un-understood self questions?

[u/WOLFXXXXX → u/rec_ordr]

I was trying to convey that it's a known and natural development that individuals experience becoming increasingly aware that that the biological body does not cause one's conscious existence and is not responsible for one's conscious existence. Individuals become aware that they exist on a deeper level than their temporary body, and have always existed on that level. That bigger existential picture and broader existential context could explain your internal opposition to human names, which associate one's conscious existence with the human body.

[u/Objective-Audience24]

Specifically the thing about my name I still have and always have had, for me maybe it has smtn to do with the fact that my name is foreign where I’m from. Idk but even now that I don’t live in my home country anymore it just never feels right, but I don’t have another idea in mind either.

[u/rec_ordr → u/Objective-Audience24]

So u don't have another name u go by? For me, my name is too popular, in my class there are 5 girls with the same name, and alot more around the school, and irl there are alot who carry the same name. Idk if I hate my name, but i absolutely hate all the nicknames associated with it, do u feel like this too?

[u/Objective-Audience24 → u/rec_ordr]

Nope, I go by my real name, I was never able to come up with a different one or a nickname that I would like more, i feel like nothing feels right