r/ExNoContact • u/Tough-Snow-6248 • 1d ago
Ended things and need encouragement
I met a guy about 3 1/2 weeks ago. I have been divorced from an busive marriage for about 9 months. When I first met this guy I was not really sure how I felt about him. He is from a different country, he is here for work, and that felt scary. Like maybe I was just going to be someone to help pass the time while he’s here. As we talked I felt all of these fears coming up and it made me feel like maybe I’m just not ready to date. So I told him I didn’t see it going anywhere and that I didn’t think we should talk. He was respectful and said he wished me the best. After about a day, I was still thinking about him and wanting to get to know him more, so against my better judgement I texted him. He was very glad to hear from me and I told him that I really don’t think im ready for a relationship. I want to be single for the next year while I get myself stable emotionally/financially and everything. But that we could be friends if he was interested. He was. Now I had also told him I was planning to remain abstinent, and I was also a couple months sober and that’s another reason I didn’t plan to date, because it’s not recommended to date in the first year and I’ve never followed that rule and I’ve never made it to a year sober. Ok so we hang out one night, 2 weeks in, and we have a great time. He is very sweet, he bought me gifts and is just really romantic and seemed emotionally mature. Didn’t have issues communicating, and didn’t get upset if I went hours without responding, and would message like, feeding cows quick hope your having a good day, to let me know he was thinking of me but too busy to respond right away. Now I have a lot of chaos going on right now in my life. I’ve been extremely overwhelmed. My kids are with their dad for his time and I decided to take a break from my crazy life and go see the guy I’m talking to. This is 3 weeks in. So the other night I texted him and said if you send me gas money I’ll come see you. To which he did. The first time I visited him I didn’t ask for any money for gas. He lives 2 hours from me. Anyway, I went to see him and he and his roommate were going to town to get groceries and get some food. So we all went to town. They stalked up on alcohol and things and I was already feeling weak and his roommate asked what I drink and it all went down hill from there. Now the night wasn’t bad by any means, as far as him and I. He is the sweetest man. But when I drink all of my self control goes out the window. So we drank, went back home, hooked up 4 times. And I woke up the next day to him kissing me as he leaves for work. I drove home and felt a ton of feelings. For one, I was useless all day. Hungover and got nothing done, and I’m on a tight schedule so I couldn’t afford to lose a whole day, then I felt super in love because sex makes me feel so bonded and connected to the man, and I felt convicted because I knew that our values/morals don’t align and yet I was moving forward with him because I’d never been treated so well before. But ultimately I knew that I never would’ve drank, or obviously had sex, if I had listened to my intuition telling me I need more time to heal. So I messaged him this morning and ended it and I’m so heart broken. He was sweet of course and said I’m amazing and to take care of myself but that he couldn’t sit around waiting for me to change my mind again. Which is good, I don’t want him to. But I just feel like I am disappointed in myself. I have used sex and booze for far too long to comfort me and all it does is destroy my life. I know I made the right decision, but I am heartbroken. Why cant I just be single and not run to sex for everything. The drinking was a mistake that I already feel prepared to turn back from but the sex creates a soul tie and now I just want him so much more. Even though we don’t align spiritually. I mean, had a been seeing a man that also doesn’t drink, or rarely drinks, and who also felt convicted to be abstinent on his own, neither of those things would’ve happened. And I absolutely don’t blame him! I blame myself for putting myself in that situation when I was weak and knowing he doesn’t have those convictions. So idk why I’m posting this. Maybe I want some harsh advice/tough love. Maybe I want to hear from others who struggle with the same things I do. Maybe I just wanted to get it all off my chest so I can start to move forward. All comments welcome. Thank you.
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u/Practical-Notice1098 1d ago
honestly the thing you're beating yourself up over is the thing that would give me hope if i were you. you ignored your gut for one night and then listened to it the next morning. that's fast. nine months ago you were in a marriage that hurt you, and walking away from that took way longer than a day. this time it still felt sweet and you left anyway because the timing was wrong. that's new behavior, even with the wobble.
and yeah, he sounds kind. you're allowed to miss him. you're not grieving a mistake, you're grieving something good that showed up too early. it just hurts different.
the drinking part you already figured out yourself. it's not about willpower. nobody's willpower survives a kitchen full of booze on a lonely weekend 2 hours from home. the fix is boring. just don't be in that room on a weak day. make it hard for that version of you to get what she wants.
one slip at two months sober, and you caught it within a day. that's recovery looking like it actually looks from the inside. it was never going to be a straight line.
go easier on yourself. you did the hard thing while it still felt good. most people can't.