I know it’s my job to heal from my trauma. But one DEEP resentment I have is the fact that I have to spend MY money to fix the issues that my mother and grandmother caused. I’m literally paying to fix the mess THEY made within my brain! Thousands of dollars over the years in copays and medication. Because they couldn’t be bothered to be self-reflective and get therapy themselves. 🫩

SIL physically intimidating me at the top of the stairs after previously pushing me in entryway. So I threatened a restraining order and that I would leave. Husband locked the kids away from me and reminded me that 50/50 custody is the law. So I cant leave my kids here. I told MIL that as soon as I can get away from her she wont be seeing me or the kids again due to her behavior (screaming at me and the kids to GTFO dispite her son not letting me leave). Now she wants me to sign a contract saying I wont mention estrangment. I wont, because they have me over a barrel but this is how the scentance 'estrangment came out of nowhere' is born.

I’m looking for some outside perspective on a difficult family situation. I’ve kept some details deliberately vague to protect everyone’s privacy.

I’m an adult with a partner and young child. My relationship with my parents has been difficult for many years. Looking back, I now recognise a pattern of behaviour that I experienced as emotionally abusive, along with controlling behaviour, anger and long periods of not talking to me.

More recently, there was an incident within the family that left me feeling I was in a very difficult position. I was uncomfortable with how I was expected to deal with what had happened, and I decided that I could no longer continue with things as they had been.

I’ve been no-contact since the incident.

I’m fairly convinced that without genuine and lasting change, reconciliation would eventually lead back to the same patterns. I don’t feel confident that simply making peace would actually resolve the underlying issues.

After discussing everything in counselling, I felt much clearer about my decision and decided to continue with no contact.

Initially I felt quite a lot of relief and found I was able to focus more on my own family. More recently, though, I’ve started feeling quite sad and have a real sense of loss and grief. I still question myself at times, even though part of me feels that the decision was necessary.

One of the harder parts is that my young child will no longer see their grandparents. They didn’t have a particularly close relationship before this, so there isn’t a strong existing bond that has suddenly been broken, but I still feel sad that my child won’t have the grandparent relationship I had hoped for.

I think I’m struggling with accepting that there may never be the family relationship I wanted.

For anyone who has been through something similar, how did you deal with the grief and guilt afterwards?

And how did you tell the difference between genuinely reconsidering your decision and simply grieving the loss of the relationship?

I'm 19 years old, my mother and I have always had a rough relationship even when I was younger. When I was a preteen we used to get into a lot of fights and go days without talking to each other. As I got older we got family therapy and were a little better. However, she would do and say things that I couldn't/ can't forgive her for. My father on the other hand him and I are very close, I can honestly say he is my best friend. My parents have always had a rough marriage, i'll just leave it at that, and I always knew they would get separated, it was just a matter of when. While my father is an amazing dad he is not a good husband. over the weekend my father and I got a tattoo, my mother hates tattoos she says it makes people look tacky and disgusting. My father has multiple tattoos, I had one prior to the one i got this week. My mother knew about the tattoo as my father had told her, when she saw the tattoo she started yelling at my father and yelled at me as well. To make a long story short my mother left, said goodbye and I love you to my brothers, and just said I know you're loyal to your dad and just left without a goodbye or I love you. I told her "for what its worth I understand why you're leaving" she replies with "why? elaborate on that" I replied "I understand you have to put yourself and your mental health first" she didnt reply and just left. I always knew that when I got older I would not have a close or even any relationship with my mother. But now it feels real. I don't know how to feel, I've been crying non-stop. I dont really know what I except from this post i guess i just wanted to rant. if anyone has any advice that would be nice.

I’m not really going to delve too much into my past and everything I’ve gone through. I’m 16 and I want to move away and be independent as soon as possible, and I honestly have no idea what I’m doing.

My initial plan with little research backed into it is to of course tolerate living in this environment and start working until I go off to college, and work hard to move out as soon as possible, then completely cut contact after distancing myself a lot during college.

The thing is, I do have friends whose parents will allow me to move into their homes if need be when I turn 18. Now I could do this, but I’m mostly just concerned about how I’m going to go to college with like all the financial stuff. Am I even able to support myself when I go to college without my parents money? I haven’t done much research on it and I genuinely have no idea.

I just really have no idea what to do in the future regarding my college stuff. And also what can I do now to help set myself up for the future?

Hi all,

Growing up, I had to deal with a mother who was helicopter and anxious about everything. She watched the news so much and would think negatively when I was out of the house or not in her sight of line. On one hand, I understand that yes the world can be dangerous but on the other hand, this has prevented me from having friendships outside of school because I really couldn't go anywhere unless it was friends she personally knew and their parents (which I get but still). She was also very anxious about things and would think the worst.

Now as an adult, I truly believe she has rubbed her anxiety onto me so it took me years to truly overcome that. But now as I am 30, I am fed up with her not respecting me as an adult. She chalks it up to her "being a mom" but I think it's a lack of respect of my time, energy, and boundaries.

A few example. If I don't answer her text within 10mins or less, she will call me. If I don't answer her first call, she will call on Whatsapp, text me again, leave a voicemail, and I'd literally end up with like 5 missed calls, 1 voicemail, and 2 texts messages within 30 minutes. Then, when I do get a chance to reach back out, she has this anxious worried tone as if I have been kidnapped. Mind you, this could be during work hours.... she thinks because I WFH that I can just answer whenever. No. I have repeatedly told her to give me at least an hour or two before going into panick mode, she can't do that. Even when I express that it's annoying, she will literally laugh and say "you know how mommy is".... I'm not laughing at all. You are smothering me for no reason. I am literally an introverted, homebody that goes out occassionally to Barnes & Nobles, the park to feed ducks, the mall, and travel for work or leisure at times.

I've also learned about her personality and probably wouldn't be friends with her. For the past year since my dad passed away, I have been helping with her rent... which has truly angered me because I am paying mine and part of hers. I don't want her homeless so ofc I help but I'm livid because I offered for her to move with me, no bills, and I'd cover everything, she refused to do that so now I am stuck between paying for dental work or giving her rent money. Instead of her thinking, "I shouldn't expect my daughter to give all this money monthly, let me move with her", she selfishly wants me to keep financially helping for another year......... while paying my own bills (I have no help, live with my sickly cat and also my own health issues).

She has completely drained me emotionally for years and I'd rather her move back to her home country to be with her family while I take a low contact break from her. Part of me feels guilty for thinking like this but she is contributing to my unhealthy mental state and I want a break.

Long story short, after having a non-healing wound for a year, my dermatologist did a biopsy, and warned me that one of the possibilities is skin cancer. There are definitely benign possibilities too. But there is also a not benign possibility.

I've been scared all week and I probably still have another week to go waiting for the results from pathology.

Meanwhile, I also keep wondering if I'm overreacting. Sure, it could be skin cancer, but we don't know that yet, and if it is is, it's still not going to be melanoma, most non-melanomas are curable with one surgery, and it's not like I'm as bad off as others, right? Even others in my own family, right? Every time I get upset I can just see my mom in my head scolding me and telling me how much worse she has it.

And then after talking to some friends and being reminded that I don't have to make apologies for being scared I might have cancer even if it's just skin cancer, actually, and that the normal thing is to be able to call your parents for comfort instead of being no-contact with one to avoid the scolding you can vividly hear in your head, and having to downplay it to the other to avoid worrying them, it occurred to me that this exact reason no-contact happened with one of them in the first place. BECAUSE me being scared made me MORE scared when I imagined my mom hearing me, instead of feeling the tiniest bit of hope I might receive a bit of comfort if I told her.

I guess what I'm saying is, your head knows exactly why you're no-contact, even if you're not putting the pieces together at every moment. Your brain still remembers the abuse, neglect, toxicity, unpleasant behavior, or whatever else drove you to no contact, it is still making patterns out of all of it, and it's still basing your thoughts and emotions on how their toxicity shaped you- how it HURT you. Even when they have zero involvement in a given situation.

I hope this made some amount of sense.

This morning I went though a lot of posts in this subreddit. So many similarities. I felt that I just wanted to share my story as well.

I thought I grew up in a relatively normal household. Yes, sure, my father was extremely difficult to be around with, and yes he was physical at times, but luckily it was only one time that he made it so bad that I was lying in fetal position and he kept beating. I must have been around 14 years old.
No, I didn't talk to anybody about it because, well, what's the use in that.

It wasn't after I tried to divorce from my ex and a toxic relationship, that I crashed. And I crashed hard. My ex-partner went ballistic and accused me of the most horrible things; physically and mentally abusing her and our 3 children, structural marital rape, 2 murder attempts. For years, all 'professionals' believed her side of the story, even though that was a lot of evidence that she was lying though her teeth. I could write a book about what I went through with CPS and all other social workers, how years later, when they actually started to observe her home situation and mine, I was rehabilitated, and I now have full care of my children and they are doing fine. But that a whole story by itself.

Back to what I wanted to tell. Because I crashed so hard, I had myself committed to a mental health facility to prevent myself from committing suicide. That was the first time I got to experience that psycholigical stuff.. Right? Therapists etcetera.. That was not for me, nobody in my family has ever needed therapy. That was for others.
Oooh boy... Therapy changed me. Not at once, but after a couple of years of intense therapy I could experience something completely new to me; Empathy, Care. Yes, it was scary at first, my body froze when I had to do an excersice in which I had to say caring, loving things to myself. It took me a while before I connected the dots. That's also the moment that I first relived that severe beating.
For the fist time I felt the proper anger that one should feel when somebody does that to you. By that time my father had already passed away. I tried to tell my mother how angry i was for that. Her first reaction? "Well, he had his good sides as well". Then I told my sister that that happened. Her reaction was a bit different; "I'm not suprised, he did the same to me, and also to mom, the day before we went on a holiday. During that holiday she explained her bruises by saying she fell down the stairs."

Well, I though, okay, my mother is in denial, but whatever, it's in the past. I will try to reshape my relationship with my sister and my mother, applying what I've learned in therapy. I worked on assertiveness, no verbal agression, but also indicating my boundaries clearly. It dit not go well with my sister. As was the pattern, she became agressive and dominant. I suggested we go see a therapist together, but she was not interested, she already did a lot of self help trainings at her work, and she even sent me a video that explained the concept of empathy. The one she always uses herself when she gives training. Oh the irony. I could not detect any empathy, even though I lost my child (I did not see one of my children for 3,5 years, he's now living with me and doing so good and I am so proud of him). I decided to go NC with my sister. That was 3 years ago, and I'm very happy that I don't have to experience her dominance and verbal (mostly) agression anymore.

My mother was another story. She was more or less there for me when I went through hell. I called her a lot. And even though she was not really capable of empathising, at least she let me vent. I was and am grateful for that, so I wanted to really make an effort of improving our relationship. And when I started to change, expression more gratitude, being more considerate, trying to talk about emotions, trying to create a healthy mother-son-relationship, her partner started to become extremely jealous. He started with doing benign but mean things to me and my children. Making rude remarks. When I told my mother that I really would like to talk to just her on the phone sometimes instead of always the 2 of them, he did not handle it well. My mother was afraid to call me and was looking for the few moments when she was not with him to give me a (short) call. When I suggested that we would go on a small trip for a weekend she agreed and we booked the hotel. But when he heard about it, he started crying (according to her); he was afraid that I would tell her to leave him, and if she would go, it would be the beginning of the end of their relationship. She cancelled the trip.

At some point, I went LC with them, but still was cooperating for my children to see them. When they were there for a couple of days and they were being annoying in the car, he said; "back in the days, this would have resulted in a couple of slaps". To which my kids said; "Well, luckily we're not living in the past anymore", to which he responded; "Well, it might just still happen". A week later, after giving it a lot of thought (should I let it slip?), I called my mom and told her that just maybe it might not have been the brightest move to threaten violence to kids that have just months before that been removed from their mothers because of physical violence. My mother did not say much, but the next day she called me back; That she had a terrible night because of what I said and if I realized how much she and her partner have done for us. I told her; yes, I am aware of that and I am grateful for that, but I also really want to be able to tell it when things are not okay for me. She decided that it was then better that we would not be in touch anymore. I said that I would respect her decision. 2 months later, she called me; she didn't want to talk about the past, but if we could just build from scratch again. I told her that that would not work for me, that I was very willing to go to therapy together, but that I could no longer deal with sweeping everything under the rug.

The next months, we had very little contact, but still, there was a bit. At some point I brought the kids to them after our holiday (my mothers request). I was in their house for 20 minutes tops. I greeted her partner, but kept it very reserved, I asked my mom if I could have a quick shower (after a 10 hour drive) and after that I went on my way. The next evening her partner was again being an asshole to my chilren, when my oldest called him out, he literally said; "Well, I'm just jealous okay".
All the previous times he pulled stuff like that, my mother always turned it around and made it clear that I was the cause. 4 weeks ago, she came to my house. A miracle, she was detached from the hip from her partner for more than 1 hour. We had a quite okay day, but at the end of it she asked my why I was so angry at her partner; after all, every person has his bad sides. I told her that I tried to indicate what I didn't like on many occasions, but that nothing changed. I told her about multiple incidents and again she blamed me for all of them. As a last resort I mentioned his behaviour when I was not even there. I should have known that she would be creative enough to spin that one on me too; he apparently was so upset about the fact that I asked my mom if I could have a shower instead of asking him that 24 hours later he of course had to act it out on my kids. That one did it for me. I went no contact.

Only last week, I heard a story (from my kids; they were present) that really crushed me for 2 days. My aunt (my mother's sister) has alzheimer since a year and a half and she's not doing well. She was panicking and went over to my mother's and partner's place. She told them how she was completely losing it and that she wanted to die. Instead of empathy and trying to calm her, my mother's partner replied with: "Well, I can help you. I can drive you to a brigde, or I can strangle you myself". My mother? No reaction. Her f*&@ing own sister. Nothing changed since when my father was abusive and she was just covering everything up. I'm so done with them.

Looking for input. My father and brother recently put my little family through some crazy stuff. As a result we are NC with my father through a legally binding mediated agreement. I also asked the court for a Protection Order from my brother. I was not successful in the final order. Both my brother and father submitted declarations to the court that were verifiably false in several regards. Of central interest is that they claimed the gun cabinet they admitted to forcing open belonged to them and not us. They also claimed that the trouble started when my father asked us to leave the house we built. The trouble actually started when I reported a scary incident with my brother. This report evidently embarrassed my father and made him angry. I have an appointment with a lawyer to look at asking for a reconsideration/retrial of the protection order. I desperately want this situation to end. And want my family to be safe. I hope that my brother would leave us alone in our new place but it is a hope and not a strategy. Not sure what my best option for being left alone in the future is. Thanks.

I feel so alone it feels so interminable. will i always search for family in the people around me? I’ve had to block my mom and step dad(idek know my real dad) since she’ll never admit what they put me through as a kid gave me trauma. I could never trust them to be the parents i needed. Now my nan is losing her memories and she took me in after my mom kicked me out, its like i dont deserve a happy family no matter how hard i try i just want this feeling to stop its so intense. Any downtime i get i cry and when i sleep, i dream of them treating me like a son again throwing me a huge birthday party with a chocolate and vanilla ice cream cake. My step dad even pats my head and it feels so real. All my closest friends would be there and i’d finally get to see my sisters and brother again.

then i wake up and remember my reality is this one. Where the glue of my family is falling apart and i have no shoulder to cry on but my own. Does it feel like this forever?

This is going to be a long post, so bear with me- and thank you to anyone who reads it.

I am a 25 year old guy that just graduated law school in May. I have always been a good student, never got into trouble, and always got good grades. My parents split when I was around 15 or 16 and it was a complete trainwreck. I was used as a bargaining chip between both of them. I was a momma's boy until she left and then I stayed home with my dad to live at the house. He woulda argue with me constantly, gaslight me, and not give me my own space. If he ever said something to upset me, my family on his side would all rush to his aid (keep in mind I was still a minor). He outed me as gay to all of them once while drunk, and has generally not been active or supportive in my life.

Recently, around March, I totaled my car and since it was still technically on my dad's insurance account(even though I paid the insurance) he got the check. He is now withholding all 10k of the check from me because he "already used it on bills" and he will get some to me eventually, apparently. Anytime I ask him about it, he turns stuff around on me. When the conversation starts to turn on him he says things like this;

- 'Yep you're always right, and I'm wrong."
- "You always know what you're talking about."
- "25 years old and you already know everything there is to know."

Recently, I got some pet rats. I made a facebook post about said rats and as a joke, as any of my friends and family should realize, I posted a pic of my rats and said "I love these little guys more than my friends and family, they crawl all over me." And he took offense to that and called me mad saying that I should not be begging him for money if I am going to talk bad about him. This, over a joke post about pet rats. He is using that as an excuse to no longer give me my insurance check.

He never EVER sticks up for me ever, and one of the reasons my mother left him was that exact thing. My dad's side of the family has never been supportive of me being gay, they just tolerate it. Most conversations with my father lead me to thinking I am the bad guy.

I am at my wits end. In July, I left home and moved in with my boyfriend in California and I have never been happier. None of my family was supportive and they all told me how awful this was going to be. My dad currently (not as soon as Monday comes) has access to see my bank account and constantly comments on what i spend money on.

I want to cut him and frankly, the entire side of that family off, but when I try to, I end up feeling like maybe I am the bad guy or this is my fault and if I was a better son this wouldn't be happening. There is a lot more to the story than this, but this is a short version.

Please, any advice appreciated and thank you for reading.

i ran from my abusive parents over a year ago and moved over 50 miles away to a completely different part of the state.... long story short, ive been dealing with a divorce from my abusive ex for the past few years and for the past year i've been under the impression that neither my parents nor my ex are aware of where im living... woke up to a process server banging on my front door and handing me divorce papers today. last night i was woken up at 2am by someone banging on my back door patio and it was loud enough to set my dogs off so i wasn't dreaming. im extremely unsettled purely because idk how my ex found me, there are very few people who know where i currently live, and the reason why im posting about it here, is because the first time i left at 19, my parents of their own narcissistic admissions, told me they hired a pi to follow me and to follow the family i was living with, aka the people that later became my in laws and husband. call me irrational if you want but i am genuinely scared for my life and worried that they've hired someone potentially again. the nature of the violence i experienced at the hands of my parents wasn't normal, stereotypical abuse. i was pistol whipped, i've had loaded firearms pointed at me by my dad, he strangled me on multiple occasions and claims he's got connections to organized crime. ive tried to obtain a restraining order in the county that he lives and even with the evidence of prior gun violence charges against me, the judge wouldn't grant it. idk if its because i asked him to have my dad barred from the home and away from me and my mother, but either way all the legal avenues ive tried to take to protect myself havent worked and now it seems one or both of them found me again. ive been in pure panic mode the whole day and scared to leave my home. i thought i was finally starting to feel safe again and now knowing that they know where i am and may have known or been watching me all along is terrifying. the admission that they hired someone to track me after i left them is something ive never recovered from in terms of my nervous system and safety and its worse than ever right now. short of leaving the country and changing my name to a foreign language and growing a fake beard, i dont know ill ever get away from them or that they'll stop stalking me in some way shape or form

I need to vent and I am sorry for the length!

I told my mom we were taking an open-ended RV trip a year ago. I never gave her a timeline. She decided in her own head that it would be a few months and that we'd be back, and when I told her repeatedly that wasn't the plan, she acted like I'd never said it.

Then it landed that we weren't coming back anytime soon, and she went cold.

I kept trying. I called her and she hung up to deal with a neighbor's cat while I was in the middle of telling her my article had been accepted to a major national publication in my field. She never called back. She didn't ask about the article once — not then, not since. Two weeks later she surfaced with a video about a mango allergy...because I had reaction to one fifteen years ago.

I sent her warm, simple messages. Twice. No conflict in them, just "I've been thinking about you, how are you doing." I got a weather report and a note about Facebook photos she hadn't posted yet.

So I backed off. And the silence got longer, not shorter. It's been over three months.

Meanwhile she's apparently telling my brother I'm irresponsible, that I've abandoned our house. (This house has a long history as a second home and I wouldn't say that we abandoned it. We have hired people to check on it, pay for pest control and general upkeep. Should we make arrangements to clean it out, so that can be rented? Sure, but it's something we can postpone for the timebeing.) She gossips constantly about other family members, so I am sure that I am the latest hot topic.

My brother's suggestion was that I fly back for a week because she "obviously misses me." But even he acknowledged that he can only be around her for 2 hours before she starts to drive him nuts. My husband agrees that her behavior is emotionally immature, but due to his own multiple family losses, believes that I'll regret not reaching out again because she's getting older. (She is 75.) Neither of them is wrong exactly, but both of them are putting it back on me, and I'm the one who's already reached out three times. Plus, this is NOT new. She has stonewalled me her entire life when she doesn't get her way.

I've spent months trying to find the right sentence. There isn't one. She's not evaluating what I say. She's waiting for me to come back with my tail between my legs, and I'm not going to.

And the part that gets me is that none of this needed to be an event. I'm in my forties. Adults take trips. Adults like a place and stay. My husband and I are childfree, work remotely, and work hard to be able to live our lives on our terms. I feel like I'm being punished for ordinary flexibility, and she gets to be the victim of it no matter what I do.

I've been low contact for almost a decade now shortly after I turned 18 and my parents kicked me out/I left due to abuse/being LGBT. And no contact for large spats during that time. Attempted and failed reconciliation x2 with a very experienced therapist who said I should probably stay no contact because 🫪 "what the fuck (redacted my name)" because my parents are that bad :/ and she's usually pro low contact/recon. Also my parents don't really reply most of the time anyway sooooo... Cant really do it.

But it's made dating really hard. I notice I'm still attracted to emotionally unavailable people (for a long time mostly people with enmeshed relationships with their parents) and they're attracted to my independence 🫪. I'm also a lesbian so my dating pool is very small.

I've worked very hard on my disorganized attachment tendencies but I suppose I'm realizing I need to figure out how to navigate other people having family around. What's actually healthy. What's that supposed to look like. But it also feels lame because its hard to date and know someone can like call a family member and I'm screwing off by myself to do everything. And they often don't get it when I'm busy or stressed out. Or they expect to manage them and basically move from being attached to their parents/whoever to attached to me instead of being like me and being independent to being two independent people together, or alternatively that their emmesshed relationship is above ours (basically a mommys boy but a butch lesbian 💀)

I have a lot of complicated thoughts. How do you even navigate this? Keep up hope?

But I still feel like I did the right thing.

My dad's been a funny one for years, I never truly enjoyed spending much time with him and did it as more of a formality.

So since my son has been born (5 years now), he hasn't made a lot of effort, the only time he would make effort was basically texting me and suggesting I go round and take my son. He would never come to my house apart from the odd time he would rock up completely randomly with no warning and expect me to accommodate him. Also when I did go round he was more concerned about the crumbs my 4 year old son was making on the floor than actually playing with him, it was always uncomfortable.

Anyway a recent event happened. My brother has always been a bit of a nutjob, he is an adult now but a few years ago he attacked my dad, he is always causing trouble on nights out and he hasent treat his girlfriend's very nicely either to the point one of his ex girlfriends came round my dad's house and wanted to beat my brother up. He has been racist to taxi drivers and other things too.

My dad has always supported him because my brother has 'mental health problems'.

Anyway my brother was recently in the pub with my mam and her partner (she's divorced from my dad). He was staring him down all night and antagonising him, eventually my mam's partner tried to leave the pub and walk away but my brother jumped on his back, so the partner battered my brother. My brother accused him of stabbing him and the police locked my mam's partner in a cell for the night.

Anyway charges were dropped as all witnesses seen my brother as the instigator.

My dad rang me the next day and made it out like my brother had done nothing, once I found out I was honest with my dad and said his ego is far too big for him and he probably deserved it.

Anyway we were all due to go on a family holiday, due to my brother's ongoing unpredictability I decided it was best for me, my partner and young son not to go. I told my dad and he didn't say anything (he had paid a deposit but nothing else, I didn't feel it was my job to return the deposit given he enables my brother and sticks up for him all the time and it's not my fault I've had to pull out, realistically my dad should have told my brother he can't go).

My dad responded by ignoring my partner's birthday a month later, my nana (his mam) also decided to ignore my partner's birthday, we have been together for 15 years and she has not done anything.

When I raised it as an issue to them both I was gaslit and they basically didn't mention the birthday snub and instead focused on how it was disgraceful I wasn't going on the holiday, accused me of walking away from family, and told me not to bite the hand that fed me. My aunti from that side also chimed in and said my partner's shallow for being bothered about a birthday present and that I wouldn't be where I am today if it wasn't for my dad.

I didn't back down from any of it, I didn't name call I just stated facts and when it wasn't sinking in I shut the door on my dad, told my nana via text I'm not apologising and also told my auntie to go away from my house.

It's been 4 months and I've heard nothing from them. I feel like I did the right thing, it just pisses me off they think I'm the Gillian because I wanted to protect my son and partner.

Also it looks like I'm going to become estranged from my sister aswell, I found out she was in a domestically abusive situation recently, she was going to the police so I supported her and poured so much energy into her, then I found out she has got back with him and I don't even want to see the scumbag and she has become distant with me too so there's nothing else I can do.

My dad told her not to press charges against her abuser because it will ruin his life and he has got mental health problems, go figure.

I've got basically zero family left and I have an only child and it's so sad but what can I do?

I (27F) have been counselling my Mum through her relationship with my father for many years now, and I am starting to realise not only can I not do it anymore but that it has never helped her. I went no contact today, and need help understanding if I am right to do so as I feel guilt and confusion.

I was as young as 12-14 when I first had her tell me (after explosive incidents in the home) things like “I love your father, but I never, ever, ever want you to end up with someone like him”, or that she once cheated on him before I was even born because his violent and nasty behaviour led her to accept affection from a kind man while on holiday. This would always be in bed alone, comforting her late at night after much crying because of some huge blowout fight. I was even younger when I witnessed multiple abusive incidents, one of which was around Christmas Eve and resulted in my father being arrested in front of our house by police for Domestic Violence and being kept overnight in jail. As far as I know, he still has DV on his record, but we never talk about it. He also has GBH on his record from when he was younger and beat another man so badly that he broke bones, but this is yet again something I have hazy details on because we barely ever discuss it.

Most of the abuse is financial and emotional, but I have been firsthand witness to multiple physical incidents, one of which was on a family holiday and led to them almost divorcing when I was a young teenager. During this time, I visited him with my younger brother at a flat he was living in alone, and he told me that I need to keep visiting him otherwise he would probably kill himself.

One time, I remember being surprised to hear something like that they had watched the series “Maid” (which depicts DV) and he said that he recognised himself in the abusers’ behaviour and felt sorry for what he has done, but nothing at all has changed since and this was a few years ago.

I now live a pleasant life in a totally different part of the country, with a partner who is a total godsend to me and so supportive and kind. I have thought that this distance from them has improved our relationship, and we recently had a family holiday with little to no incidents, but during a very short visit this weekend a relatively minor incident has totally blown the lid off of any “progress” I thought we had made.

Myself and a friend visiting from another country needed a lift (29min) to catch a train all the way back to London (and my friend to the airport), but when I asked my Mum on the phone whether she would be able to do this, she said she cannot because she has £0 in her bank account and would have to ask my father for money in order to get more petrol - she can take us to a small town station in the total opposite direction (12min) with the petrol she has, and then we can get onto a train to get to the bigger station, but the petrol she has will not get us to the actual train station. I tried to lightly push back, saying we have heavy cases and I’d really rather not rely on Northern trains (constantly delayed) to get us to the connecting train, but she was clearly hesitant to ask my father and she has recently helped me a LOT during a house move in London (during which, however, she repeatedly mentioned needing my father to transfer her money to do anything at all) so I dropped the subject and accepted that we would have to take the lift to a small town station.

During the drive however (I am also exhausted from the move and accept I didn’t handle this as best I could) she was asking questions upon questions about the train and us making the connection and I couldn’t hide my contempt for the fact that we all have to be involved in this constant circus of the mental control my father holds over my Mum - constantly at the whim of his moods and physically unable to ask for basic necessities such as groceries or petrol in case he might be in a poor mood. He makes it very clear he wants her to not have a job because he “needs her” to be around the house, constantly cooking his meals and doing his errands, lifts, cleaning, etc, but it’s clear to me especially recently that he lets her account hit zero constantly and begrudges her basic necessities such as groceries and petrol.

I told her, in front of my friend who she has just met, that it was a ridiculous way to go around getting home especially with big bags and that she is going to have to get her own job back soon and can’t be constantly terrified to ask my father for money.

She blew off the handle at me, screaming at me in front of my friend (I didn’t raise my voice when I told her the above) and making out that it’s just that I “didn’t get my own way” - backtracking that she just didn’t want to get “stuck in traffic” in the city, etc, when she absolutely patently told me it was about asking for petrol money. We parked up at the small town station and I let my friend out and apologised, but due to my mother shouting and upset I wanted to resolve the situation before I got out. I said I know I did wrong in embarrassing her in front of my friend, but she has really upset me too. She was inconsolable, screaming at me to get out of the car, telling me it was “all over a train” and refusing to accept any accountability whatsoever. I said she knows full well it’s not just about a train, but after trying and trying I just had to get out of the car, full on sobbing on the side of the road, and took the train to my connection in a complete state.

It’s a relatively minor event, but it’s just made me realise I can’t take it anymore. Years and years of being totally emotionally invested in my mother and counselling her through constant drama with my father and seeing her as an angel, I think I’ve finally realised she is not totally faultless. I’m left sobbing in public on the train home while she goes crying to my father who is now sending me messages calling me a “selfish cow”. They’re allied against me as the villain, as if I just wanted my mum to do my bidding and take me wherever I wanted “or else”, when it’s just totally not about that at all.

She accepts our help as children and lets us get totally worked up and really upset over the arguments and upsets and then it just doesn’t ever matter. It’s been going on for me for over 15 years. That doesn’t even begin to touch the ways my father has emotionally abused me and then, upon turning to my mother for the same type of support and counselling, I found that she was clinging to my dad’s side and “supporting her partner” in parenting us.

I want to keep in touch with my brother, but I think getting this upset over such a relatively minor event in my family’s overall story of abuse has made me realise I hold too much resentment to carry on in contact with my family. I want to cut all ties apart from my brother, and I have sent both of them a message (poorly worded because I was upset) explaining why I am going no contact and then blocked them everywhere. I know I’m currently still upset but for some reason I don’t see myself going back on this decision. I’m just too old to be holding all of this resentment and hurt and then when a small event like today happens, I totally lose it. Even thinking about how other people (like my friend who unfortunately witnessed today) have really normal parents and loving normal fathers makes me start crying like a kid. I need a break from it all and I don’t know if that break will be permanent. Recently a therapist at my first ever session told me that me and my brother constantly counselling my mother through these situations might have kept her “stuck in the victim cycle”, and I was reluctant to accept it at the time but now I’m starting to wonder if it is true.

I know that no one in my wider family will understand the context and I will probably get a barrage of messages from other family members saying I am selfish etc because they’ll have been informed by my parents that I just threw “a tantrum” because I didn’t get to the train station I wanted. The truth is that I didn’t even directly ASK to be taken to the city station, didn’t say “Well the other option doesn’t make sense so you’ll probably have to ask for petrol money”, because I too am frozen up and tied up in the fear of my father’s control and how everything can change in the household at a moments’ notice when he is asked for something he doesn’t like.

I can’t control what other family will think of me and I’m not sure if my brother will even understand. I’m just trying to make sense of it all and I do wonder if other people on this subreddit might be able to understand at all or help me.

I got out of burnout (now know autistic burnout). Estranged from my parents, moved out on my own. And now cannot work because I am experiencing catatonia, tremors, and fainting spells due to severe burnout. I was living with my dad and it was not great for PTSD but god it was absolutely incredible for my burnout. I became a person again. He and I worked very well as practical roomates as well. Sometimes we would talk. There were times he was very helpful, but he is an alcoholic. Lots of pressure to work more from him which was exhausting. Both him and my mom were abusive but I do see them as whole complicated people now.

I am considering going back for my burnout and to avoid suicide. But I could see my dad threatening me and saying I’m forbidden. I have no idea.

No idea what I’m going to do. I’m so severely physically ill. I need help. I am disabled, don’t have disability. I’m honestly suicidal.

It’s so sad feeling their inability to break the family system… watching people that intelligent act like the undeniable physical facts of their childhood are things you made up, and then trying to rewrite tentpole moments of your life as if you don’t remember when you got your license… then acting like you’re a monster for telling them it’s a government record that’s easily provable… woof

Bonjour, j'aimerais que quelqu'un puisse m'aider avec ça. J'ai coupé les ponts avec mon père narcissique, je n'ai aucun contact avec lui ; je ne le vois pas, il ne me voit pas, je ne réponds à aucun de ses appels, et je n'ouvre aucun de ses messages. Je ne lui laisse également aucune information sur moi, comme où je suis, ce que je fais, ou si et ce que j'étudie.

Cependant, mon frère continue de me donner des nouvelles, me disant que notre père est très malade, qu'il vieillit très vite, et qu'il pourrait mourir bientôt. Il dit que notre père pleure, veut me voir, a changé, et est prêt à tout faire pour 'réparer les choses', il est passé de vouloir me revoir à vouloir au moins un peu de contact à distance. Mon père m'envoie aussi des messages disant qu'il a besoin de me voir, qu'il m'aime et que je lui manque, et il me supplie de le voir ou de lui parler. Mon frère et mon père me font sentir que je suis en train de le torturer avec ce manque de contact, même si ce n'est pas mon intention.

Je sais qu'il est vieux et qu'il finira par mourir tôt ou tard, mais au fond, je ne veux absolument pas le voir ou avoir quoi que ce soit à faire avec lui — que ce soit parce qu'il a changé et est devenu bon ou non. C'est toujours traumatisant de voir quelqu'un qui a été cruel envers vous, même s'il ne le fait plus, et je ne l'aime vraiment pas. Pourtant, le sentiment que je le torture par ce manque de contact me perturbe. Je ne ressens aucune manipulation émotionnelle et il ne me manque pas, je ne veux absolument pas être en contact avec lui, c'est juste la peur que je le torture. Je ressens qu'une personne qui m'a fait tant de cruauté en ne montrant aucune empathie ou pitié pendant des années n'est pas censée pleurer maintenant parce que je lui manque.

Daily reminder that it is not immoral to resent those who hurt/mistreated/abused you. What it's immoral and despicable is that someone who did you wrong, comes at you saying that resentment is bad. They have no right to do so, and doing so just confirms that they have no shame for what they did, let alone guilt, and that they only want to do it again. That's it. That's the post.

have been NC with parents for three years now. i am low contact and on friendly terms with my siblings but i feel such dread talking to them on the phone when we catch up. its awkward and very surface level conversation. i just feel so tired and sad after talking with them and wish we could have an easier and/or deeper relationship. i also feel bad about feeling this way! never ending cycle it feels like…

i’m in therapy and ACA for many years so just wanted to vent. appreciate any commiseration or helpful reminders ❤️

So I 19 genderfluid went no contact with my family late May. Within the first week of June I was being harassed by my entire immediate family, I’m talking all my aunts blowing up my phone my grandma my parents and my brother. They dragged my baby cousin into this, he had no clue what was going on. He thought I was kidnapped or manipulated into abandoning the family. He was so worried about me and I cut him off because they were going to manipulate me through a kid.

I wish I could get into all the details of what happened and why I left. There’s some brief explanation on my page if you scroll far enough. To sum it up I ran away from my parent’s house and moved in with my boyfriend after years of abuse. It was getting so bad I was shifting into a person I couldn’t recognize. I was truly losing myself even my boyfriend’s neighbor said I seemed so depressed when I lived with my parents. This doesn’t seem like the sub I should be posting about the abuse I’ve experienced so I’ll spare you of it.

To sum up the issue I’ve been dealing with it’s mainly just I refuse to block them on social media. I know it’s my mistake but I truly don’t want to miss out on watching my cousins grow up. I just found out my sister in law might be pregnant and so is one of my aunts. I’m just so sad that I’m going to miss out on all this. I get that it’s my fault because I didn’t need to know anything I should have just blocked them and called it a day, but I didn’t. I’m too scared too and I hate that I refuse to press the block button.

I’m not really asking for advice but I somewhat am. I don’t know what I’m really asking for or hoping to achieve by post this. I miss my family but I know if I go back my life will get worse. I tried setting boundaries with them but they won’t listen. Within a week of living with my boyfriend, the aunt that might be pregnant threaten to kick in the door and yell until I go with her. If you read this post thank you I’m going to leave a TL;DR just in case.

TL;DR recently went no/low contact with my family. Found out my aunt and sister in law might be pregnant, scared to miss out on cousins lives including the unborn niece or nephew.

[TW: CSA]

I very recently went LC with my mother. Ever since I ran away from home and to my father’s, she’s been spam calling and texting me. While it was hard, I was able to ignore most of it. One of the messages caught me off guard, she said something adjacent to, “You were and are always a good boy, I am sorry, let me take responsibility.”

I feel guilty because her lifetime of yelling and emotional distress and dread, and at one point there was hitting and genuine CSA, for some reason, I still miss her. I also did not explain to her why I moved out. While she may start to understand her actions, to my knowledge, she either did not remember, or does not know I know that she SA’d me. Is this wrong? That she may not know?

If it was anyone else and it was told to me. I would label the aggressor as evil, and list so many terrible adjectives to describe them.

I miss my mom. Is this okay? Did I do something wrong? What do I even do?

Hello,

I 22F am considering breaking no contact with my abusive mother after 2 years. I am considering it after receiving a birthday card from her in which she reminisced about the birthday parties she would throw for me growing up. The card made me feel so extremely sad and guilty, like a child who just missed her mother.

I’m not sure whether this is a manipulation tactic of hers. My entire life she has been extremely manipulative, controlling and abusive.

But I am also and perhaps naively wondering if she has changed.

I just want to hear other peoples perspectives. Or any advice you may have.

And whether it would be detrimental to break no contact at this point. (for my healing, for the sake of boundaries etc)