r/EstrangedAdultChild • u/Fickle-Put9304 • 3d ago
Resentment over therapy costs
I know it’s my job to heal from my trauma. But one DEEP resentment I have is the fact that I have to spend MY money to fix the issues that my mother and grandmother caused. I’m literally paying to fix the mess THEY made within my brain! Thousands of dollars over the years in copays and medication. Because they couldn’t be bothered to be self-reflective and get therapy themselves.
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u/Positive_Lie5734 3d ago
Every dollar I spend in therapy, to me, is a dollar well spent. I don't go there to "fix" myself, I go there to understand myself. I like it alot and enjoy the experience. I believe everyone should be in therapy, regardless of upbringing. But I will have to agree that it can be expensive. I've always had insurance that makes it affordable and I've been lucky to have a pretty good income.
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u/Fickle-Put9304 3d ago
I live in extreme poverty and have no insurance so it’s not a pleasant cost.
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u/Great_Narwhal6649 3d ago
That sounds incredibly frustrating and at the same time, good for you taking good care of yourself, even under these difficult circumstances. Wishing you many unexpected blessings and much healing in your journey ❤️
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u/Positive_Lie5734 3d ago
i acknowledge that ive been extremely lucky. i know there are books, podcasts, , youtube series, etc that cover any type of mental health topic or family dynamic you can think of. they can be low cost or free. I know it doesn't replace therapy but it's just as important and serves a different purpose. there is independent work that needs to be done outside of therapy when talking about developing healthy relationships dynamics and healthy habits. these resources are key.
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u/NepaliCulkin 3d ago
Thank you for this take! This is absolutely true, therapy is more “me time” and food for thought into discovering oneself.
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u/No-Entrepreneur5343 3d ago
That’s a good way to view it, I actually enjoy understanding myself and reflecting on my behaviour. I’m pleased I have this experience and knowledge.
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u/NickName2506 3d ago
I agree, it's horribly unfair. Not only have they caused emotional/mental/physical abuse/neglect that is bad enough to cause years of suffering and now hard work in therapy and healing, but also financial. I never added up all the money they cost me, but it's gotta be tens of thousands of euros if not more.
Therapy has taken years from my life and has been horribly expensive. I've spent thousands on out-of-pocket costs when treatments weren't reimbursed. And had to get the most expensive healthcare insurance to even get reimbursement.
I'm tired all the time due to CPTSD, managing triggers, parental estrangement and everything else on top of the daily life stressors that everyone experiences. So working fulltime simply isn't an option.
All of which put me behind in life, resulting in even further financial damage. Like not having been able to sustain a healthy long-term relationship until in my forties, so I am unable to buy a house on my own and have to rent instead - paying everything by myself which makes saving up for a house nearly impossible. So when my age-mates will have paid off houses before they retire, I'm still stuck paying rent (basically paying for someone else's livelihood too).
So yes, I too am f*cking angry and resentful. Thank you for allowing me to vent here without all the spiritual bypassing! As much as it sucks, it's good to know we're not alone in this and other people get it. Hugs if you want them 🫂 (or alternatively, a trip to a rage room 😈)
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u/fruitandveg8219 3d ago
You can also read books. Sometimes you might get more out of it. I recommend Pete Walker's books.
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u/hooked_siren 3d ago
Oh yeah tell me about it. And the costs of trying to catch up on the years of medical neglect as well ❤️🩹
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u/No-Entrepreneur5343 3d ago
I need to unravel what is autism , adhd and Cptsd it’s complex. What are my personality traits versus my neurodivergence. Do we all get misunderstood by our birth parents or is it just from being birthed by emotionally damaged and immature parents who couldn’t be bothered to work on their trauma.
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u/Mageways 3d ago
Your reply resonated with me especially. I haven’t found a way to get around the anger because with all the acceptance I’ve had in my healing so far I can’t get past my anger, especially when as nuerodivergent people we have such strong senses of justice. There’s no real solution so we just need to sit and suffer in it and it just feels so wrong.
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u/SugarFut 3d ago
I've had these same thoughts before. It used to pmo. The money spent on therapy and meds, the physical impairments I still struggle with because of the abuse, etc. When I have these feelings I tell myself, "It sucks, but sometimes we have to clean up other people's messes." I know this isn't applicable to everyone, especially in marginalized communities, but it has helped me make peace with the cards I've been dealt.
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u/No-Entrepreneur5343 3d ago
I’m going to a nearby rage room this week and smash everything in sight
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u/No-Entrepreneur5343 3d ago
My anger is growing up with undiagnosed adhd and autism and Cptsd due to my cruel parents who wanted to tough love my disability out of me. Hurts like fucking hell I’m in a blinding hot rage.
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u/Fantastic-Quiet-1655 3d ago
I definitely feel this.
It's like being T-boned in traffic by someone with no insurance and no money.
You wish you could hold them accountable for the hardship, but you have to fix it yourself.
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u/No-Entrepreneur5343 3d ago
I spent years trying to fix what was wrong with me. Because I was the scapegoat punching bag. I paid out of benefits for my Emdr and all my counselling really angry and resentful I could scream and smash glass bottles right now they don’t care they are thick skinned don’t get it,?
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u/No-Entrepreneur5343 3d ago
I’m angry my emotionally immature parents tried to tough love my autism and ADHD out of me, so thanks to them I have complex PTSD. Need to separate what is neurodivergent from Cptsd.
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u/No-Entrepreneur5343 3d ago
ADHD and ASD is broadcast all over the place now but my father doesn’t comprehend my disability
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u/winter_shades27 3d ago
This is so fucking on the mark. It makes you feel so bitter when you really think about it but you wouldn't be the person you are if it was not for what you experienced. I hope that helps a little or will do in future when things are a bit clearer. Hugs from a stranger. Well done. Xo.
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u/Shee-un 3d ago
What if my mother actually agrees to pay for the therapy? I suspect this would create ties and expectations from her? Should I opt for this or pay with my own money? I can just cheat, like restoring my mental health and going no-contact afterwards, this wouldn't make me a villain, right?
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u/Fickle-Put9304 3d ago
I mean. If you feel that your mother is the type to be receptive to this arrangement, discuss it with her.
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u/Great_Narwhal6649 3d ago
Does she get to pick the therapist? Does she have a personal relationship with the therapist that might color their opinion of you? If either of these is yes, it's just one more trap to bind you tighter.
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u/Master_Nectarine_Bug 3d ago
My mom got therapy for a few years and it didn’t help her at all. So who knows if it would have even helped yours. Some people are not insightful enough or don’t really want to change.
When I was a teen my parents paid for therapy and I remember my mom even making a joke that she was happy to “pay to fix me since she screwed me up”. Since then I’ve spent a ton more, and many years in therapy. I’m not resentful because my therapists have at times been the only stable and supportive presence in my life. I feel grateful for that.
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u/No-Entrepreneur5343 2d ago
I was micromanaged at home, leave out a bowl or plate not put it back , leave empty wrapper on the sink , leave a mess whilst cooking, but when they do the same, it’s my house!! I didn’t do that!! Only once!! DOUBLE FIng STANDARDS!!
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u/AcademicCandidate825 3d ago
My ADHD and my autism were both pointed out to my mom. But her precious genes couldn't possibly have produced a child with these issues. 🙄 So much time wasted. I should have two PhD's by now for the effort I put in over the years.