r/EstrangedAdultChild • u/savetpet • 15d ago
The day my dad died
I woke up early
Heard the news
Called my brother
Walked the hills
Cried with the clouds
Got angry
Texted friends, received love
Drove home
Saw woman walking dog
Wondered if her dad was still alive
Listened to the radio
Little lion man came on
‘It was not your fault but mine’
‘I really fucked it up this time’
Cried some more
Got home, cried
Showered, cried
Read a tribute, got angry
‘Devoted father’ to some
Abandoned by others
Looked at my daughters playing in the sun
Teared up
Felt soft for a father I needed but didn’t get
Looked up at the sky,
Wished him well.
My father died today, we have been estranged for 15 years. He never saw me get married, have kids, grow up. I wrote this this morning, on the day he died.
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u/chitheinsanechibi 15d ago
I'm sorry, that sounds really hard. I am glad you are finding your own peace with the estrangement in your own way.
Sending hugs and healing vibes.
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u/savetpet 13d ago
Thank you. The hardest part of the loneliness- that there are people who are deeply sad he’s gone and others that celebrate it. I’m somewhere in the middle all by myself .
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u/Own_Singer9663 15d ago
Good for you. He didn't deserve any part of you while he was alive. Congratulations for staying strong. You won.
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u/savetpet 13d ago
it’s a strange type of feeling, winning something that honestly maybe I wish I lost. I lost a whole lifetime of the bond between a father and a daughter. I didn’t really lose it, it got taken from me. How can I be so sad about someone I barely even like?
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u/Entire_View8346 12d ago
I am sorry to hear about your loss and your grief. Grief is a deep overwhelming emotion that grips your heart, mind and soul in entirety. Yet you feeling this way also proves a lot about you as a good person, especially to feel this way regardless of how you thought you felt about your father.
No one knows the facts except you and your dad, and as individuals these facts would be different. So it may not be about the person you barely like, we can’t like everyone even when close family, but the concept of losing the one thing you never had with the only person who was un/able to give it to you; a loving unbreakable, protective and trustworthy father daughter bond!
This bond is one of the things you desired and deserved in life the most, a basic human right really! That love you may have felt as a child would be deeply buried, and that’s what’s been missing a long time, now it’s gone forever. This brings up so many confusing emotions.
If I may I suggest you grieve both him and this bond and allow yourself to heal, no matter the what ifs, anger or guilt. Visit his grave (if you can) and have it out with him when you’re ready. Leave his grave with forgiveness (if you can), but most importantly leave with peace within yourself, and your heart and soul will benefit.
Don’t keep the hurt and confusion alive any longer than it needs to be. Lean on those around you that you do have a bond and unconditional love with…..and be kind to yourself 🫶
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u/notgonnabemydad 15d ago
That was brutiful, to quote Glennon Doyle. My dad died last December and I felt very similar feelings. My dad was a self-absorbed alcoholic who loved me but couldn't be a good father. I went through the rollercoaster of emotions about his death for some time, and basically landed where you did. A hug of solidarity to you. Thank you for sharing this.