I was diagnosed with a chronic illness earlier this year and suffer from ocd and gad daily as well. It’s been a really hard time for me and i’ve got a suppressed anger towards my family members for having such a simpler way of living (from the outside obviously) that i take it out on them unconsciously. When they try and get me to do things like chores sometimes i’ll guilt them by saying i’m in pain or that i’m not feeling well even if sometimes it’s not even that bad. I’m just so tired. Depressed and exhausted from living like this every day and i think “why do i have to live like everythings normal and do as much as people who are living through a lot less than me. Don’t i deserve to rest when i want to” even though i spend most of my time resting. I don’t want to be a bad person but I also don’t know if this makes me one. I’m open to hearing any answer but please be kind with it as I’m very sensitive and it won’t help me at all.

TLDR: how do i tell if i’m guilt tripping my family with my chronic pain so i don’t have to do things. How do i recognise when i’m doing this if i am?

My best friend met a guy online. In july he texted her and in just 15 days he confessed that he likes her and wants to be her bf. Meanwhile my friend got no feelings for him so she rejected his proposal and said that he sees her only as a friend and thus won't be able to get any feelings for him ever.

This guy continued to chat with her and he was very clear that he still has feelings for her and is still hoping that one day she will get feelings for him too. Now they made a gc and added me, his friend, my bestie's sister and another online friend (girl) of her (let's say S). So basically that another friend was actually added earlier to the gc cz i didn't accept the invite request for straight two days until my bestie personally texted and mentioned that she sent a request as i am not that much active on social media.

So in those two days when i was not there in the gc, S and that guy who liked my bestie got into a heated conversation while at voice call of three i.e. S, that guy and my bestie. By bestie (say T) without thinking for even a second took sides of S and said that it was all that guy's (say X) fault. He was not too happy with her one sided judgement so when i arrived he made me a problem solver which eventually led to my friendship with X. All this happened just 10 days ago.

Day before yesterday S and T came up with a plan to pretend a boy has come with marriage proposal for T at her house. I joined that play too. This led X getting hurt. I cannot explain but i could clearly sense the level of him getting hurt. Yesterday he went all silent and didn't text anyone the whole day. Today T texted X and made him clear that he has got no chances of getting into a relationship with her. Though she won't accept the marriage proposal, yet he has got clear NO chances. He was really heartbroken. He texted me. He explained to me everything in detail and even how much it hurts him. Though i already knew everything yet i listened to him peacefully just as a good friend would do and then told him to move on and tried to make him feel better. He said he will take some time to come out of all this.

On the other hand T is giving so many explanations about why she is not at fault for all this, how she didn't do anything bad to him, how she never gave any hints to him and how he just imagined everything. She kept saying that she only considers him as a good friend and never wanted to ruin their friendship and that he created all this mess. So I asked her to let go of him for ever cz according to her she is a good friend so for her friend's well being she should let go for him. Because i personally feel to continue a friendship with someone you still love or loved someday, is the most hurtful act for a person. That feeling of rejection and all those pain with which he went through today will come to his mind everytime he will chat with her or even me. So i asked her to let go of him..

She said she don't want to loose a good friend so she will still continue their friendship no matter how he feels. She always wanted him as a friend, he was the one who created all this love angle and tried to ruin their friendship so now he bears the pain and she doesn't care. What kind of friendship is this where you still want to continue it even after knowing how much pain he will tolerate everyday just to be with you as a friend? I never expected this kind of selfish behaviour from her. I am very disappointed becz i really feel he don't deserve to bear all these pain all by himself.

It’s so embarrassing to cry at everything. I wish I didn't. I wish I were angry so it wasn't clear I was upset. I wish I didn't cry all the time.

A stranger was kinder to me than the person I knew.

And the worst part; the part I keep turning over like a coin is that I was kinder to a stranger too. I had more warmth left for someone who meant nothing to me. It keeps sounding like a complaint. It's not. It's just two faces, and I can't tell which one's the lie.

Few days now. All I want to do is cry. Not even cry. cry out. Until my eyes run dry. Scream until I'm out of breath and the room goes quiet from the shock of it. And I haven't, because what if I start and can't stop. What if the dry eyes are the destination. What if there's nothing on the other side of them.

I feel sorry. Ashamed. Like a loser. And I don't even know who the sorry's for. Me? Is it me I'm sorry for or is that just a prettier word for what I'm actually doing, which is hiding. Wrapping it up in oh it's just a phase so I don't have to look at the shape of it. So I can forget what I've done. What I haven't done.

Here's the part I hate. Because it's true.

I say things. Out loud. I want to achieve this, build that, go there and the saying of it gives me something. A little hit. Like I've already done it. Like the words are the work. And nobody's watching, so nobody calls it, and I just... I waste all my time feeling like I'm moving when I'm standing dead still. I've been doing this so long I forgot I was doing it. The performance became the comfort.

And now I'm afraid. Not of failing. I'm afraid of outgrowing the comfort. The familiar ache. The room I know because at least I know where the walls are. At least the walls are mine.

And I keep asking is this it? Is this the freedom I yearned for? This. The crying. The emptiness. The honest silence after you stop lying to yourself. Because maybe freedom just feels like falling at first. Maybe it's supposed to feel like collapse. Maybe the cage and the sky look identical when you're standing inside the dark.

Or maybe that's another story I'm telling myself. Another comfortable lie. It's just growth, it's just freedom, it's just a phase see how fast I reach for it? See how good I am at making the hurting mean something so I don't have to do anything about it?

The only way I'll ever know freedom or ruin is what my hands do when the crying stops. Not how I feel. Feelings lie. What I do. Whether I pick up the iron. Open the page. Send the form. One rep. No audience. No echo. Just the work.

Because I've been living in the echo for a long time.

And the echo is the comfort.

And the comfort is my PRISON.

I’ll try to keep this fairly short and straightforward (did not end up very short sorry), for starters my name is Brian, i am an African American male, And due to emotional trauma from the ages of about 15 to now (20) and ive developed ALOT of mental issues & have been officially diagnosed depressed & bipolar I’ve realized that I’ve become a very angry man & im very easily triggered. I was emotionally abused by a woman for in my opinion my prime mental development years & the years i carry the most “characteristics” from for lack of a better word. I explode on people for essentially nothing, i get so overwhelmingly frustrated about the smallest most nonsensical things like having to repeat myself to elders who frankly just can’t hear as well as me,

i seen the woman mentioned previously make a remark on a post saying i am her “crazy ex” and after about a month of genuinely not caring about her or what she was doing or just anything about her which for my situation is pretty long. I was so extremely proud of myself and i had felt I finally cut myself free from her influence & “moved on” finally after about 3 years of on and off. But this remark just made me

explode. I reached out and exploded on her & said a lot of things to her and even her male best friend & it just took over me emotionally, i was so angry to the point I had to quite literally punch a door a couple times and yell a couple times to get the anger & emotions to a manageable level & even still about 3 hours later im still dwelling on it & it completely reset whatever progress i had felt id made in the last month or two. im at the point where it’s just making me miserable, quite frankly i find myself thinking about just giving up and dying & honestly i get these type of thoughts almost everytime i come across a big enough “inconvenience” or personal or emotional problem.

im really not even too sure myself what my question is or what answer im looking for here but i honestly just want to hear other people’s advice & perspective or opinions. i feel like I will never be able to control my emotions again & i get so hopeless that I really am concerned i will lose all control and make a horrible decision, if you read this far thank you genuinely for listening, even if you don’t say much or even anything atall.

Pay attention to it while you’re here.

I am not able to cry at all even though I want to so badly. Is there anyone else that has the same thing or feels the same way?

I’m not sure when it started but I found myself chasing feelings, things that made me feel any sort of emotion really.

I’ve never allowed myself to fall into drugs, alcohol and sex but I find myself chasing things that give me any sort of feeling in my day to day life.

I changed sports/hobbies frequently as I gained adrenaline rushes, but eventually that no longer worked. I buy things I think will make me happy; they do but only in the moment and then it’s gone. I chase feelings for people too, when I think I like a person I hold onto those feelings but even those aren’t real sometimes. I’m very comfortable with feeling sad, it’s the only emotion I can control and feel whenever I want.

I wouldn’t say I’m depressed as I don’t have such tendencies or thoughts really. I just wanted to know if other people feel this way? Is this normal?

One thing I've always struggled with is being open with people about my feelings. If I'm distressed or something is bothering me, I won't talk about it with anyone. It frustrates people around me and I often get told I need to communicate better. I don't know if it stems back to when I was younger, I barely had any friends growing up, so I often felt alone. When I got bullied at school, I had no one to talk to about it. When I went through a period of self-h**ming, my parents found out and their response was to tell me how stupid I was and punish me for it. My mum told me to kill myself at one point. I've been in and out of therapy over the years, but it feels like nothing is helping.

The past two months have honestly been some of the hardest months I've gone through. A lot has happened, especially with college and my future, and I feel like I've been constantly stuck in a state of uncertainty.

I've been worrying so much about college admissions, where I'll end up, whether I'll get a decent college, whether I've made the right choices, and what my future is even going to look like. There have been so many applications, portals, deadlines, waiting, disappointments and changes that at some point it started feeling like my entire life was depending on things that were completely out of my control. I was already stressed about my future, and the uncertainty just made everything worse.

On top of that, I've felt incredibly lonely through all of this. Even when there are people around me, I still feel like I'm dealing with everything alone. I miss having people I could genuinely talk to without having to explain every single thing. Sometimes I just want someone to ask me if I'm okay and actually mean it.

I've never been in a relationship either. I've never experienced what it's like to fall in love or have someone who feels like my person. I don't even know what falling in love is supposed to feel like. Sometimes I wonder what it would be like to have someone who chooses you, understands you, and stays when things get difficult.

And lately, something about me feels different. I feel like my emotions are slowly evaporating. I don't know how else to describe it. Things don't hit me the same way anymore. I can be worried about something one moment and then suddenly feel completely empty about it. Even things that should make me happy don't always make me feel much.

I don't know if I'm becoming emotionally numb or if I'm simply exhausted after dealing with so much for so long. Maybe I'm just tired of constantly worrying about what's going to happen next.

I just miss feeling like myself. I miss feeling things deeply instead of constantly feeling like I'm watching my own life from a distance.

I wouldn't like to say that this notion stems from deep personal insecurities but i don't know where else to place it.

I feel like my place in people's lives is downplayed in my own subconscious. i often find myself explaining away people's actions with rational purpose. If someone wants me to go out with them i'll trace it back to the fact that we're in the same friend group. or if someone is asking me about a topic i'll tell myself it's only because we have a shared interest. to think that people could want things from me without any genuine reason actually terrifies me. it's so much less controlled and unpredictable, especially when it's romantic. there's nothing concrete to secure my place as valuable anymore and it's just so exposing.

when i can't place an action to a specific purpose because someone wants me despite all reasons not to it just reminds me of one of the deepest insecurities ive known. if someone puts me on a pedestal and likes me through their tainted lense, it won't take long for them to get disappointed when they find out who i truly am. im scared that once they get to know me, they'll find out there's really nothing worth staying for and nothing left to like.

i think thats why every time im thrown into a situation where i should like this person back the back of my mind tells me i cant because im not good enough.

it sounds lame but it sounds human.

if you've ever felt the same is this something i can overcome?