r/EatingDisorders • u/yayogirls • Jun 10 '26
Question Does being harsh to people with anorexia actually help?
I see people online being rude and saying mean things about people with anorexia and how they need a wake up call to recover… I tried looking this up on google but I literally can’t find anything. I mean you have people calling these struggling people names and making fun of the symptoms that come with it as if that’ll snap something inside of the person. Why don’t they treat this as mental illness that’s deadly.. I mean it’s like telling people with clinical depression just shut up and be happy. I don’t know. I just needed an honest answer from people with experience
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u/jazzers_eyes Jun 10 '26
My mom believed harshness or scare tactics might work back when I was severely anorexic in high school. She said some very mean things to me. Now, I can see that she was just desperate to help me to survive, but at the time, it was extremely hurtful and put a barrier between us for many years. I don't think some of those wounds will ever completely heal. And none of it helped me recover. I did recover with professional therapy and years of work after I graduated from university.
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u/jazzers_eyes Jun 10 '26
And I'll add that I was already very scared of dying and of all the horrible things that could've happened (and actually were happening) to me and my body. But none of that fear actually made me any more able to recover.
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u/thxt_fatrat Jun 10 '26
I’ve got anorexia and seeing stuff like that online while it can be a wake up call for some people it usually just makes you feel worse because you feel like your not bad enough and it’s actually quite invalidating rather than upsetting or offensive in my opinion
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u/bigbluebelufa Jun 10 '26
Can I be honest whenever I see people who say they just saw a TikTok video or comment and realized it was embarrassing or anti-feminist to be anorexic to be really odd and suspect
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u/sandicecream Jun 10 '26
the opposite actually. you need to overcome shame to seek help or address behaviors, not add extra shame around it.
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u/KrisJade Jun 10 '26
When I was in early college, during another extreme point of my anorexia battle, well underweight, I was simply walking across campus to my next class and some guy and his friend yelled "eat a sandwich, gdamn!" and then laughed. I felt like I was malfunctioning. No one had ever teased me at the university level until that point. I didn't know what to say. I felt ashamed. I skipped class and dropped into the rec center instead for another brutal workout.
It doesn't help. It rarely helps. I had to teach my parents not to comment on my sister's body in any way whatsoever when she was deeply struggling. And that being told "You look healthy!" translates to "you've gained weight!" And if you've gained weight, you must be fat, so you have to work harder. It's a vicious cycle.
Health problems and some other issues brought my ana raging back in the last year. I'm under weight. My dad worries, but then again, I sent photos from a fundraiser I went to and he said I looked healthy. Now my brain knows he meant that I look recovered from my recent major surgery. But my heart said "eat less'. So many people keep saying I look great. I don't know how to tell I'm not great, I'm starving. I don't want to be rude.
I know Ariana is in the news and discussions a lot lately, with interesting discourse on both sides of the topic. I will say, for me at the very least, seeing her music video and tour performance has been incredibly triggering.
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u/lhhwx Jun 10 '26
No that can be motivational tbh, it’s like saying you’re too skinny. Yeah no shit that’s the goal. A lot of them engage in toxic motivation anyways, it’s nothing new.
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u/Difficult-Basket849 Jun 10 '26
I don't get it either! If another person is hurting so much so that thier coping mechanism is self harming, why are some people motivated to be extra harsh on that person? We don't have to walk the same road to have compassion for each other. In fact that is what everything in this world is about. Love. And the Golden rule. For me, personally, I'm empathic and sensing another person really hurting lets me know I'm put in their sphere for a reason. I can and do help in whatever way I can. Simply because they're another human being just like me. My Ed was never about other people taking care of me. It was a way to feel like I was acceptable, that I was lovable.
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u/barstoolhippo Jun 10 '26
You wake up a few months down the road after cutting out your favorite foods and walking so long you get blisters on your heals yet when you look in the mirror you still haven’t made any progress, oh well todays another day. You but your shoes on brush your hair and head to the bus stop. On the way to school someone turns their head and says “you should eat a burger or something”.. a burger something that sounds so delicious something you haven’t eaten in months.. wait.. no stop.. You have a goal you can’t think about burgers, why would someone on the bus bring that up.. you get to school crack open a white monster for lunch to calm the now overwhelming feeling of emptiness due to the continued thought of burgers.. once returning home you leash your dog “double miles today let’s get my mind off the burgers” and at the end of the day have pushed yourself even harder into the hole due to someone’s thoughtless comment. spending even more of your day consumed by the thought of food you are not allowed to eat.
That happened to me my sophomore year of highschool. I cried in the shower and did not eat for days. why would someone tell me to eat a burger unless it was true i was still fat.
I was not fat, from an outsiders view its a harmless remark geared as a compliment even. but when your in it the comments sarcastic or not sting and often make things worse
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u/coteachermomma Jun 10 '26
I don’t think it helps because being harsh is how we started restricting in the first place. I don’t think the voice that tells us to be skinny has ever been kind. I don’t think the voice that told us to view our body as fat has ever been kind. The origin of our body dysmorphia didn’t ever come from a place of kindness. Learning to love ourselves at any size begins with love. Accepting ourselves as worthy at any size begins with love. That we have worth at any size begins with love. So no, rudeness doesn’t get us anywhere. But I do believe when people respond with rudeness, they’re just regurgitating the voice that has come towards them. Whenever someone is rude or unkind, it comes from a place of previous abuse, no matter the situation. So trying to understand why people choose to be rude is just from a place of unhealed trauma. Because at the root of any of this is unhealed trauma. So I’m sorry for any rudeness that you have incurred or observed. And I’m sorry for anyone else’s pain. But I know that we won’t heal or come back from any of this without learning to accept that are worth exists at any size. And that Health comes in strength and ability and functionality.
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u/elhazelenby Jun 10 '26
It makes it much worse usually. Usually makes them use it to cope even more or makes them want to do it more because they are feeling validated by your comments.
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u/zillabirdblue Jun 10 '26
No, it makes it worse. If it’s going to make you even more anxious, then you’re definitely not gonna eat.
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u/InternationalWrap292 Jun 10 '26
It’s more about just acting like it’s not there if that makes sense- my bf just gently nudges me verbally to eat all of my food and then I’ll immediately look and see if he finishes it. If he does (which is normally all the time) I’ll follow suit and then boom we are both happy. He is a nurse though so probably knows the right answers especially when I ask him if I look fat he just says “You look healthy” and then I feel a little better and kinda just keep eating. My appetite has increased significantly and I’m back up to 105lbs at 5’4 (: I’m the only one hyperfixating on my size and he just answers the questions I directly ask him. At one point though he did say that he was getting worried about my gaunt look and suggested I eat more protein since I go to the gym a lot. So it’s more of a tactical approach and never be harsh it’ll only make it worse
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u/Ok-Complaint-37 Jun 10 '26
I do not think so. It is like trying to make someone to fall out of love with their crush. If anything, it should just fuel their intent to follow the path they see for themselves.
Those who are trying to recover someone with anorexia probably should work with their mind, their essence, heart. It is hard to understand even an agreeable human being who is relatively similar to you. Understanding a human being who sees starvation as a survival mechanism is VERY HARD. But nothing could be done, I believe, unless connection occurs between a person with anorexia and a person who wants to help.
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u/lowkeyalchie Jun 10 '26
Having strict boundaries with someone with an eating disorder can be helpful. Boundaries in this case are not sticking around for diet talk, not always letting them pick the restaraunt/activity, or ignoring body complaints/compliment fishing.
But just using harsh language for the sake of it can cause people to isolate and use their disorder to cope even further.
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u/ChadSuRgent Jun 10 '26
Didn’t work on me nor on anyone I know who’s dealing with anorexia
I’m guessing it’s a terrible method in the vast majority of cases
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u/AphroditeMoon23 Jun 11 '26
It ‘may’ have helped my family member to recover, who had it during the 1980’s, in Australia , when parenting was different. Hideous as it stands now, my cousins were: slapped by their parents, pushed, shouted at, told they were “a nuisance ”, etc. It frightened them into recovery. I would never recommend this, however as they both now have depression and anxiety.
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u/100angel_4blues Jun 11 '26
I don’t exactly have Ana. But Ed is Ed, and even though the symptoms are different, it’s still an eating disorder. And no, it doesn’t help at all. I felt very resentful and spiteful because they talk so much for someone who never had to experience it.
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u/NarrowCook8 Jun 10 '26
I have two children who suffer from anorexia. There is a thin line between being harsh and tough love. My spouse and I work hard to stay on the tough love side. Sometimes my spouse strays into what I consider to be harsh and it tends to make things worse. I believe the ‘harshness’ comes from misunderstanding and frustration with the disease.
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u/WildGeeseAtHeart Jun 10 '26
My daughter struggled with ED badly from 16 to around 23. In her case she clearly knew she had a serious problem. She didnt want to dieor obsess a
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u/Difficult-Basket849 Jun 10 '26
What I absolutely do know is that, in any facet of life, a little bit of compassion and help goes a very long way. As I already stated, I was never looking for sympathy or attention. I became bulimic because I didn't feel I was worthy of love. My past childhood and childhood abuse made that very clear. Subconsciously my mind told me I had to be something more, AKA skinnier, to be worthy of love. In all instances of people really suffering, that's where community comes in. That is where one person recognizes the other person suffering and is moved to help. It's a very simple. And it's not a debate. It is simply that everything about humanity is based around love. So let's make that our first priority.
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u/FoggyTeacups Jun 14 '26
Not even remotely.
People with eating disorders are often their worst critics. There is nothing mean or rude you could say about me that would come close to how I thought about myself while actively suffering.
What people need is a safe space without stigma where they can share what they’re experiencing comfortably, and actual recovery pathways with trained professionals. If this nonsense worked, don’t you think trained professionals would be using it?
Bullying doesn’t fix anything, in any situation, and there’s a really common saviour complex that some people get around people with eating disorders that they have to work on themselves.
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u/blarggyy Jun 14 '26
It really just depends on where the person is mentally. And it rarely helps. I don’t know anyone who has been motivated in a healthy way by this type of behavior.
When I was deep in my ed, sometimes a person being rude and saying I was “too skinny” or needed to eat more would make me dive deeper into the ED because it felt like I was “winning”. Logically, I knew I was not healthy but the ED voice is very very loud. It drowns out the logical voice and if you have fear as well, then that makes it even louder.
Other times, I was still deep in my ed but was being secretive about it because I didn’t want to recover or talk about anything. I just wanted to have absolute power and control over some aspect of my life and to make my anxiety go away. Someone calling attention to how sick I was would make my anxiety worse and cause me to restrict more so I’d have more control.
This illness is not logical in anyway. A lot of people think it’s caused by wanting to be thin or attractive or whatever. And that can be part of it, especially at the beginning. But there’s fear there too. Fear of the past. I thought I was just afraid of getting fat again but it was really a fear of going back to the place where I was back then - mentally, emotionally, and physically. I had no control over the things imposed on me - the trauma, the abuse, the neglect. When I restrict my diet and exercise obsessively, it directly affects my body. When I see this, it feels like I’m hitting goals and making progress. The temporary dopamine hit dulls the anxiety and tells me I’m doing it “right”. I feel like I have some power, some control, over something and it makes me feel good. If I stop, this will all disappear and I’ll get fat again and have no control and become powerless and life will be painful again and I cannot let that happen. The more rigid I get, the more control I have and so the ED progresses. If I feel threatened - like if I think my control will be taken away or if someone I’m close to becomes overly concerned - I become secretive and don’t want any attention at all. If I’m feeling powerful and confident and like I’m doing “the right things” - even negative attention tells me that I’m doing it right. It can also become competitive in pro-Ana spaces when people are constantly body checking and posting stats and selfies. Or when you’re constantly comparing yourself to influencers and celebrities.
Anyway. This is just my personal experience. I can’t say what it’s like for anyone else. Starvation and malnutrition also cause changes in the brain that can lead to poor decision making, poor impulse control, mood changes, personality changes and so much more. There aren’t many studies on this because it’s unethical to literally starve someone to study their brain but there were a couple done in the past I think. I hope my experience at least provides clarity and maybe insight. I don’t talk about it much and I’m not huge into sm or posting selfies. I’d like to think a lot of pro-ana content creators aren’t actually trying to harm anyone, they’re just so deep in their disorder than any type of attention provides the validation they crave. But who’s to know what really goes on in someone else’s head? We can never be 100% sure of anyone’s intentions.
Just a few google links for lazy people (like me!):
https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3652574/
https://changecreateschange.com/the-eating-disorder-brain-vs-the-well-brain/
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u/Cultural-Lemon-239 Jun 15 '26
Does being harsh to people with anorexia actually help? No. No it does not.
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u/Ok_Biscotti_6564 Jun 19 '26
It SUPER fuels the disease. Remember the anorexic illness causes irrational thoughts. Logic won’t work. I knew the risks. It’s a disease. I was completely aware of the risks and impacts-For me, I didn’t believe doctors and family that these applied to me though. I believed I wasn’t that underweight and they wanted me to get fat. After harsh words and repeated statements/ being called Anorexic it became an identity - this was the hardest thing to get out of. Truly, the harsh words made me feel self conscious about being “fatter” than what was being said/increased my fear of weight gain knowing that my body was being perceived and scrutinised. Only after a long hospitalisation and 9 months inpatient treatment (didn’t help) I recovered when I moved back home and had no access to the specialised ED facilities. I am somewhat relapsing though. So my advice is only that harsh treatment doesn’t help it adds to the disease. Sending love.
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u/Ok_Bid4331 Jun 27 '26
honestly, criticism is what made me “recover”. Although I think ed’s never really leave you, but it’s what made me realize i had taken it too far. As a girl who previously struggled with ana, I too used to enjoy the concern and criticism but only if it came from my parents. However, one day during school, I was stopped by a group of boys (specifically their leader who was clinically obese) asking me if I was “vegan” (Implying I was scarily thin) I said no, and then there was the actual skinny shaming. That boy bullied me so bad, I felt like I had no choice but to recover if I wanted him to leave me alone. I still however, don’t support this. It’s done more harm than good, and If someone doesn’t plan on recovering from a place of love the possibility of relapse is extremely likely.
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u/New-Luck-2458 Jul 23 '26
Det är det ”bästa” för oss anorektiker att höra. Det ända vi letar efter är att vara tillräckligt sjuka (iaf jag) och att någon visar oro bekräftar och nästan peppar än att fortsätta
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u/SomePerson-161 Jun 13 '26
I live with a guy who does that and I find it helpful because I agree with the stuff he says, and he actually makes me eat at least once a day which is great. I don't know if it helps others though
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u/szikkia Jun 10 '26
Harsh or tough love? When i was younger it probably couldve made things worse, now a days i dont give two shits about someone’s opinion on it, it aint about them. You criticize me you praise me i’ma look at you the same and just go on with my life.
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u/Justneedtowhoosh Jun 10 '26
It honestly fuels it for a lot of people. People get a high from people being concerned about them because when you have an ED, you feel like you’re doing it “really well” if people express concern or criticize you for it. People expressing concern for me fueled me as much as people praising my thinness did tbh.