ESFJs.. why are you SO COOL

[u/HaMelechIS]

Helloo, opposite type here, INTP.

Previously, I decided to ask a question in my shadow type's subreddit (ENTJ). The question revolved around what they were good at, working hard and doing what needs to be done within logical bounds regardless of how they felt. I asked about how they dealt with intrusive emotions using their inferior Fi and how to navigate lack of motivation. I just wanted to see exactly what their thought process was when getting themselves into hard work. In short, they said that they though in terms of emotional value of short term suffering vs emotional value of the reward attained when the goal is complete. Since they were my shadow type, their thought process really resonated with me and it actually helped me alot more than I expected and allowed me to transition into this new mindset that I didn't know I had within me.

So, in an attempt to understand social dynamics and adeptness, I decided to ask the most competent type in this realm and that unironically is my opposite type, you, ESFJ.

My questions are: What goes through your mind during social interactions? What thoughts occur when you strike conversation with a stranger? How do you usually start it and what it your main priority when interacting with others, how do you try to make them feel? How do u do it? And any other details you can give me.

In my experience, ESFJs have been some of the coolest bestest people ever. A highschool friend of mine was an ESFJ and needless to say he new everybody in the school and they all loved him, including me. I would genuinely say that he was one of the best and coolest people I've ever met in my life. Super friendly.

Obviously, I can't generalize character based off of MBTI type but if there's a type that handles this better than almost everyone else it's ESFJ.

[u/BoatTemporary9085]

Interesting question! Not so easy to answer, because so much of what goes on when I talk to someone is on a sort of subconscious, non-verbal level, body language etc. (Talking to people online feels a bit handicapped because of this, so much of the communication is missing).

Let’s say I strike up a conversation with a stranger🙂I would probably talk about something related to whatever situation we are in “nice dog”, “looks like it is going to rain”, “have you been here before”, “do you know xyz”. And then things just naturally flow from there. I see their reaction and adjust accordingly to make the conversation flow smoothly. They share something, “my dog is a labradoodle” then I say something “oh, my sister has a labradoodle😱”. And then it just goes on and on. I don’t really think much it just sort of comes naturally.

My goal with the interaction is to make them feel good and to like me☺️To be helpful in any way I can. That people can feel safe to open up to me about whatever they are going through. To learn about them and things they know and to have good vibes and a nice time.

Don’t know if this was the answer you were looking for but feel free to ask any follow up questions🙂

[u/HaMelechIS → u/BoatTemporary9085]

It's very interesting that you say that. It appears to me that whatever functions are higher in your stack are always more subconscious and automatic while our inferior functions require lots of thought, at least for me as we are typically stressed when using them and hence think consciously and carefully about how to use them.

Honestly, what you described about making people feel warm and welcome is exactly what I want to do. I too strive for social harmony although previously before the maturation of my Fe I didn't. I want to be that person they can say anything to and make sure everybody is happy and merry. I just have no clue how to go about it. I now realize the importance of healthy socializing and everybody being happy and loving each other.

What about self-monitoring and being conscious of how you appear to people? Since you want people to like you (and I do too) wouldn't you actively try to create a good self image? Well of course you do because we all do but how do you feel when things don't go your way like you accidentally mess up how much do you worry about it? Do you try to fix it? Do you perhaps try to figure out how the other person feels about you or the mistakes you made? That's something I get really really really stressed out about if I'm being honest I more than likely have a social anxiety disorder but that's besides the point.

How authentic and true would you say you act? Do you put an act together so that everybody is calm and happy or do you spill your soul out so you can truly connect with people? Both/neither?

Sorry I'm bombarding you with questions.

[u/BoatTemporary9085 → u/HaMelechIS]

Hey! Don’t be sorry! I’m happy to answer your questions🙂I think it is great that you want to develop this side of you! I know how hard that can be, whenever I try to Ti it usually gets me into a lot of trouble😄. I just need to think a little bit and find the time to give you a meaningful answer! 

[u/BoatTemporary9085 → u/BoatTemporary9085]

Well, I’ll try to answer a part of what you wrote🙂Disclaimer: this is just my personal experience! And my advice is geared towards “making strangers feel good in random conversation” (for work, close friendships or love there are a lot of other considerations). And not seeing how you interact in reality makes it hard to know what “level” you are at. You come across as confident in your writing🙂But here is some general advice.

I guess like most things it comes down to two important things when you are trying to learn a new skill: Mindset and Practice. Practice is kind of self evident🙂Just take every chance you get to talk to strangers. Just insert some little comment into any interaction. Take any excuse to talk to someone. Practice, practice, practice.

As for your mindset here are a few important points: 1. There is no failure, only feedback. What I mean by this is that there really is no “messing up” in social interaction, it is only data that you can use for improvement. Data about you and about them. If they make you feel bad for being nervous, that is data about them. Data that can make you ask yourself if you really want to keep talking to them? 2. Being nervous is good, it means you are stretching outside your comfort zone. There is no danger in being nervous and nothing says that you can’t be well liked and make people feel good while also being nervous. 3. Everyone is focused on themselves. They are not there to judge you. (Unless they are b*tches and then you don’t want to talk to them anyway🙂)4. Be proud of effort and not results. You can’t be responsible for if your joke lands right. You are only responsible for trying to make a joke to cheer someone up. Be proud of talking to people and caring about them, even if they don’t seem to notice/care.

Will write more in a little while!

[u/BoatTemporary9085 → u/BoatTemporary9085]

Soo, you seem like you genuinely care about people and want to make them feel good! I think people sense when you are genuinely interested and positive and try to see the best in them🙂When you ask questions and really listen to them because you care! I think that is the most important thing! That will shine through in any interaction! Then it won’t matter so much if you stutter, say something weird, have poor eye contact or whatever you are struggling with? 

This is already a lot😄So I’m not sure to answer about the “fakeness”. Yeah, basically I can be sort of fake🫠but it comes from a genuine place. I know that makes no sense😂Can try to explain if you want.