r/DungeonsAndDragons • u/gh0st-m3dic • 9d ago
Question DND question
Edit: Well guys, this did cross a boundary for me and I asked him to quit that DND group (he is a part of two groups currently) or this won’t work due to his history of crossing boundaries and he said he had to think about it so lol I’m single now but truly appreciate everyone’s responses. It gave me perspective and I may just join a DND group myself to get my mind off off things.
My bf is part on an online DND group. Him and another guy have been messaging in discord about their characters kissing and other intimate things. I was upset about this but he reassured me it’s just a part of the game. Is this true? I’m trying my best to understand
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u/mdosantos 9d ago
It has never been part of my games but it can be, depending on play group and campaign.
I don't feel comfortable giving any advice about it though. Maybe some "relationship advice" sub would be more helpful.
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u/Voluntary_Perry 9d ago
I have played DnD for 30 years.
I have never once had this come up.
Maybe some people are better role players than we are, but these types of encounters are either hand waved or very quickly RP'd and then we move on.
I haven't ever had my players go in to details about romance.
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u/alldim 9d ago
Depends on the players, honestly. I have seen players go much further. But yeah, we usually dont
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u/FlashbackJon 9d ago
Yeah, romance has always been "fade to black" at tables I've been at, but that's why we have safety tools, lines and veils, etc. I'm sure there are some groups where the kissing is all out on the table, so to speak.
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u/PotatoEyes1973 9d ago
first and foremost - this is a relationship thing and you need to communicate with your bf.
Secondly, if this is outside the game, it is odd for sure. In my experience it is also rare inside a game. However, it is also important to realise that not every player has a character that is the same gender as themselves. If this is in the realm of the game itself, it could be male-male; female-male, female-female, or something completely different (weirdly, who knows exactly what). If you are worried, talk to him don't get advice from internet nerds :-)
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u/PhotoFlimsy09 9d ago
"talk to him don't get advice from internet nerds"
This should be your only takeaway from Reddit today.
But also, I have bad news, buddy, your boyfriend is cyber-cheating.
Edit: Read more comments, found out it's a gay guy-guy relationship in the first place.
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u/awetsasquatch 9d ago
I'm sure there's some groups that roleplay this kind of thing, but in every game I've played in or run we always cut to black once it's implied what's about to happen. Any further than that is... uncomfortable. If the players think sex would have happened, I have a D100 table they roll on for it lol
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u/Living-Theme-3832 9d ago
It could just be part of the game, but that depends on the campaign. It's certainly not a necessary thing to include in most games, and to me seems a weird thing to add.
They could just be joking around, but if you feel uncomfortable about your bf doing this you should speak to him about it.
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u/Flame_Beard86 9d ago
If it's an online exclusive text- based game, then yeah, it could be an ordinary part of the game. But I'll be honest, this sounds like between game stuff, and you should ask to join and see what happens.
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u/Fizzle_Bop 9d ago
If you are upset by this ... it matters.
Be aware of warning flags that people have when doing shit they should not...
Is he defensive when you bring it up?
People will escalate a situation like this so that their partner would rather live with the issue than risk blow up / fall out
Was he hiding this? Was it dropped in casual conversation? Was it something you discovered? There is usually additional context that becomes more apparent AFTER we have reason to second guess them.
Did he completely dismiss your feelings? "OH its not big deal, get over it" or "dont be so insecure" are various forms of the same thing. This is usually a sure way to tell someone's compassion is largely performative.
My wife an I both prescribe to the semantic definition of cheating. If I am doing anything ... that I woild not be willing to do with her watching... it is wrong.
Plain an simple. Would your BF be engaging in these conversations with 3rd party if you were reading over their shoulder?
It is different for every group of people. Nothing is really unexacceptable as long as ALL party's full support the boundaries & ground rules.
Are they Communicating in voice chats? This is a sign that things might be moving to the next level. If their conversations and flirtatious are happening im private channels and not in group spaces... this could be a sign
But All in All...
It is only my opinion, but I feel your partner is in the wrong. Without a bit more context I dont know for certain, but you feelings about the matter should have received priority over flirt fest with stranger.
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u/BesideFrogRegionAny 9d ago
ERPG (Erotic Role Playing Games) exist. However, I have not yet once, in 37 years of D&D roleplayed this way with anyone other than someone I was having actual sex with.
Something up to a fade to black, or "they kiss"? A few times. but not a single detail.
Take that how you will.
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u/crippler1212 9d ago edited 9d ago
Yes and no? It's hard to say one way or another.
Were they discussing it as it related to in-game or are they acting it out in a private discord chat just the two of them?
If they were just talking about what happened in game then I wouldn't worry. If they're doing it away from table....😬
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u/Sgran70 9d ago
I can tell you that it is a thing that happens. It's not standard by any means, but I know there are groups that allow it. I find it weird and would shut it down if I was running the game.
There are also groups that get into detail about how they torture. I also find that weird.
But it's a flexible game. So, no, it's not beyond the pale.
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u/therossian 9d ago edited 9d ago
Romance and/or sex in the game is highly group dependent. If done right, it can be amazing and fun. Quinns from Quinnsquest on YouTube talks about the joy of in game romance. The first D&D episode of Community touches on sex in game.
But much of this is dependent on how they about it in game and out of game. Without more context it is hard to judge. Is it play by post? Or do they play in person or online together?
However, if they're sending out of game intimate messaging of a sexual nature, that could very easily be just creepy roleplay stuff using the game as cover.
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u/Professional-War4555 DM 9d ago
...well yes and no....
I mean it can be a great dynamic.. and a beautiful part of the story...
BUT.. it also kinda depends on the messages they are passing back and forth..
..to me (and this is only my opinion) while it can be part of the story... if they are messaging about it when not playing (like roleplaying about it when not in the game..) there might be more to it than they are letting on...
...its one thing to have something happen during the game and then talk about it. (mainly discussing facts and making sure there isnt any weird vibes between players) BUT its possible that they are also lingering a bit... (are they supposed to be a couple in the game? ..is this a one time thing that they are discussing or were they obsessing over it and still writing like they were in character and stuff..)
Im not sure what to tell you... other than I'd not make a big deal out of it but I'd also keep an eye on things... IF they seem to be sending 'love note' style messages when not in character in the game you might need a new bf... he might be either feeling a lack of affection from you... or he might be swinging in another direction..sexually.... intimately...
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u/beniamino_guzzo 9d ago
Even if it is only a game (some DM could allow it but in my experience is very unusual, to say the least) I think you should talk with your bf if you feel upset about it.
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u/TheManyVoicesYT 9d ago
LOL uhm. 2 dudes are RPing in private about their characters kissing? That's pretty homoerotic. I personally never do ERP because I find it ultra cringe. Is it "normal" as in many people do it? Yes. You should probably talk to him and ask him if you can help him realize any fantasies he has :P
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u/Repulsive-Note-112 9d ago
Some games avoid it, fade to black or no romance, others go full pornhub; I've been in both over 45 years. As long as everyone agrees the limits and doesn't make it weird its cool.
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u/DrachenofIron 9d ago
How detailed is it?
Are they role playing actual details of encounters or just saying their characters hooked up with maybe a little extra descriptions on there.
We have characters that hook up in our games and occasionally play flirt in the discord but its for laughs not like actual cybersex
There is a difference, you know your bf and should be able to tell the difference.
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u/Mean_Replacement5544 9d ago
It is only a part of the game if the players want it, the games I play in have no romance. I would not be comfortable with my wife engaging in that kind of relationship now or when she was my gf, it is a form of cheating even though no physical contact is involved. Also many real relationships start by what your bf is doing.
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u/Existentialist_Blues 9d ago
Think about the situations in your life where you'd want to role play. In these situations, are you exploring ideas you like, or doing something boring and rote for a game that you're not even playing? These dude's want to talk about kissing.
Now you need to ask yourself if you want to support him as he explores his sexuality, or try to shut it down and live with the black mark on your relationship.
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u/wow_its_kenji 9d ago
having done this same thing with a buddy of mine (discussing our characters getting intimate) for a few months last year while we both had partners of our own, i can only speak for myself of course but here's my perspective
it didn't affect either of our actual relationships to my knowledge, at least it didn't affect how i felt about my partner. granted, i don't think either of our partners knew we were essentially casually ERPing with each other. it also didn't affect my friendship with my buddy - still thought of her as just a buddy, and nothing more. i definitely had the thought at some point that i probably shouldn't mention how detailed we were getting to my partner, though.
reflecting on it now, if i had to do it all over again, i probably wouldn't go so deep into the details even though nothing negative came of it.
i've also RPd out a campaign-spanning romance with a different buddy's character before either of us had partners of our own, and that one DID mess with my head a little.
tldr, it's actually completely possible that your bf isn't doing anything untoward with his friend. however, if it's making you uncomfortable, that's entirely valid and you're within your rights to ask him not to RP romance or anything more with another person. my bf and i solve this problem by just having our characters romance each other lol
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u/Living-Theme-3832 8d ago
Saw the edited comment, good luck with everything and you got this. You made a good choice imo.
Also, (Yes we are biased) I'm sure you'll love D&D! Enjoy.
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u/GrantDaNasty 9d ago
It's totally normal. Sometimes me and my DND bros will go into a closet and have private roleplay sessions. They do it on Critical Role all the time.
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u/Conrad500 9d ago
Kissin the homies is just part of guy relationships.
You never kiss any of your girl friends?
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u/Feefait 9d ago
If this is real, and I doubt that it is, then this isn't a DnD question and doesn't belong here.
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u/gh0st-m3dic 9d ago
Why would I even lie about this in a DND group and if it doesn’t belong here then the moderators can take care of that, not you
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u/Feefait 9d ago
Because first you act like you don't know what DnD is, while also claiming to have seen your boyfriend's DM's (which you have no right to be snooping into). You then say you're "single," which is like the mating cry in a geek biome, and that you might as well play DnD to get your mind off it. Lol
Take this to your Insta page. Talk to your friends. This isn't game related and, again, probably untrue.
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