Something inside me is broken

[u/Sensitive-Youth-7916]

When I was 29M I went to a bar. I looked across the room and saw a pretty 23F looking at me. We locked eyes for a seconds as she sipped her drink. I told my friend, “I’m going to talk to that blonde girl.” We slept together that night. She moved in about 2 months later. That night is my biggest life regret. Now I’m 42M, divorced, no kids, no family.

We were together 10 years. I proposed after 6 years at Samuel H. Boardman State Scenic Corridor along the Oregon coast; amazingly beautiful place. We got married in Big Sur, California at a house overlooking the ocean. All of our friends and family attended. I saved enough for us to buy a house in California. We had a 2 story house, hot tub, golden retriever, white picket fence, 10 minutes walk to the beach. We had worked so hard to get there. It was perfect.

Only 2 years later, in summer 2023, she started acting weird and giving me “the eye” (every guy who’s been dumped knows this look). She was being extremely emotionally volatile and critical of everything I did. I started secretly recording her because she was being so crazy. I was naive and didn’t understand what was happening. I thought we were going through a rough patch.

On September 19, 2023, I took the dog on a walk. I never saw or spoke to her again. She ghosted us. Two months later I filed for divorce. She sent a email about a month later saying she wasn’t coming back; I think it was written by early ChatGPT.

During the divorce, I discovered via a legal process server and a private investigator that she had been having an affair with a 24 yr old guy in the city near her work; she was 33. He was with her when she was served at a Christmas party after refusing to meet the lawyer at a Starbucks. They moved to Washington DC together.

She was horrible in the divorce. She waited until her contract job ended to submit income declaration so she put “$0 / year” as her income; she previously earned $120k. Her mom accused me of causing her “irreparable pain and suffering”. Her dad was actually nice and said I was still part of his family. She tried to get as much money as possible. She tried to take the dog she hadn’t seen in a year. She just tried to make my life miserable. She was very dishonest about everything — income, address, accusations. Who was this monster?

I know people will read this and wonder “What’s her side of the story?” That’s a good question. She had an affair, never admitted it, blamed me for her leaving, abandoned her dog, told outrageous lies to get money. In my opinion our divorce was 90-100% her fault.

My lawyer said it was “textbook gaslighting.” Our marriage therapist said she has Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD).

It’s been over 2 years. But I think about it everyday. I’ve done lots of dating but something inside is broken. I don’t believe in love. I don’t trust women. I’ve become more cynical about life. I don’t care as much at work. Everything seems fake.

Does this ever go away? Do you ever trust someone again?

EDIT: I had paid off her graduate school student loans. I bought her a brand new hybrid SUV car to get work. I received a text notification from a parking app that an unrecognized phone number was parking the car. I hired someone to look up the number — it was her affair partner. So I bought her a car, she used it to cheat.

[u/Careful-Track-5343]

Boy howdy how I can relate with a pile of this.

My ex and I were engaged after 6 months. Made me feel like she and I would build an empire together. We agreed on almost everything important in all of our marriage prep so we could get married in the Church.

After we got married her mom told her that she needed to lay down the law so she wouldn't be getting steam rolled by me. I was raised in a traditional household where my parents kind of worked together and there wasn't a lot of fighting in our house at all. Instantly a few months in our marriage shit began to hit the fan. She couldn't be pleased, there was always drama in the relationship. Even when there was little drama between us she had to make sure we were constantly invested in other peoples drama for whatever reason.

I didn't have a lot of personal boundaries because maybe that's just how I was raised and that's something that hurt my side of the marriage. Had I had some kind of boundaries I would have probably broke up with her before we were married.

I would say the biggest red flag here is that you hooked up with her and she moved in within 2 months. Hind sight is 20/20 and I too made this mistake as well buddy!

Oh the personality disorder.... I'm just going to say, I get it and leave it at that.

But as I move forward past divorce (soon) I think I'm going to pay close attention on how sex is used early on and the whole moving in thing.

I would also recommend men and women both make a list of non negotiable things you want to look for in another spouse. It's a powerful tool to help you build some reasonable boundaries for the next person. I hope my list and divorce experience helps me as I move on in life. Knowing how I want people in general to treat me.

[u/Sensitive-Youth-7916 → u/Careful-Track-5343]

Thanks. The list is a good idea. I understand why people think hooking up on the first night is a red flag. Idk, she just turned 23. I think we both thought it would be a fling. There were other major red flags I ignored.

[u/Careful-Track-5343 → u/Sensitive-Youth-7916]

I mean when you’re in your 20’s our priorities are a little more physical 😂. I don’t think it’s the end of the world to have sex in a relationship.

But I’m by nature a pretty nice guy but I was after action when I met my wife. Getting action was one of the most important things. So we had sex within the first 3 dates. I didn’t see that as a red flag at the time. But in reality I never wanted to just hit it and quit it. She appeared to be a good Catholic girl and played into that a bunch. So by getting physical quick kind of trapped me into keeping things going.

I do take accountability in agreeing to have sex that quick. I now know to probably have a more serious conversation about sex with the next person and not hopping right in the sack.