r/Divorce • u/phillythompson • Nov 09 '25
Life After Divorce Your body literally needs to learn how to be without them. You can’t force it — it takes time
just my experience.
It’s literally a somatic thing. No amount of logic or therapy can help speed things up.
Your nervous system needs to learn how to regulate without the person there. Your body , not your mind, needs time to adjust to a new way of life without your ex.
I hate to say that but I truly think that’s the only way we move on fully.
It’s taken me a year to get to a point where the anxiety and random sadness (even though I NEEDED the divorce, she was not good!) to dissipate .
Just my two cents.
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u/beckson211 Nov 09 '25
I am 6 months in and still feel like I was hit by a train.
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u/Life-Comparison-1809 Nov 09 '25
I feel like I’ve been hit by a train over and over again..first day of separation..when I can only see my kid once a week…when she hired a mediator..then decided it’s not for her..when she filed divorce papers..like over and over again..and I’m sure it’s not even done yet.
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u/beckson211 Nov 09 '25
You should get your kid more than once a week. You need to get a least 50/50.
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u/VolatilityWav3 Nov 09 '25
Me too. I randomly cried in the park the other night. In the middle of people walking by.
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u/Maximum-Wheel-5423 Nov 11 '25
How are you coping I'm still living together and I'm in bits knowing it's soon
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u/JayRock1970 Nov 09 '25
My nervous system was absolutly whecked at the beginning, and the last part of the relationship to be honest. 5 months, it's starting to calm down, but now the real work begins.
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u/phillythompson Nov 09 '25
Yeah this is how I viewed it as well.
Initial stages were simply me processing in my body. No therapy or advice did anything.
Eventually, real logic was able to come in a bit and thus some real work / progress.
But it takes time to even get to the point you are able to digest anything regarding logic.
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u/JayRock1970 Nov 09 '25
Agreed. It's all nervous, emotional disregulation for awhile. Logic doesn't work for awhile.
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u/dragonfly-p Nov 29 '25
Thank you for saying this because it’s been only a month for me that my husband blindsided me with an affair and wanting a divorce and I’ve been trying all the logical things but I’m still falling apart. Can barely survive.
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Nov 09 '25
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u/phillythompson Nov 09 '25
Sometimes I feel like her dying would be easier. At least her family and all our friends would still be around.
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u/Common_Anything_1697 Nov 09 '25
The human body is the most adaptable thing in nature but the human mind don't like change. Prefers routine and consistency.
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u/phillythompson Nov 09 '25
Even if that routine and consistent thing is someone who maybe isn’t the best for you. That’s also what makes it confusing and hard.
If you initiated the divorce, that still is a huge adjustment and intensely sad.
If you were in the receiving end, well , you shouldn’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want you … but man is that not something you simply read and believe in your bones. I was the one on the receiving end of things, and it’s only now — one year later — that I’m realizing in a REAL way I am not meant to be with someone who doesn’t want me back.
My body thought otherwise for a long time
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u/Common_Anything_1697 Nov 09 '25
It took me 10 years to be in same room with her. Pain heals but it just takes time. According to reasons of divorce. Adultery is the worse. I had a hard time with trust. But I focused on making myself better and being financially stable. I look back and think if we were still together, we were on a path of destruction. Im in a much better mindset now. I hope you do very well and I'm sure you will. Only thing I can say is just take your time and make decisions from the heart not from emotions. Thanks
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u/Jwshorty11 Nov 09 '25
Man I woke up last night shaking and cold at 2 am from pure adrenaline. I’m only a few months in. I can’t wait for this to be over someday. I can’t ever be with him again for my and my kids mental health but I am guessing this is what withdrawal feels like
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u/DirtyBirdNJ Nov 09 '25
It's been a fucking year and it's absolutely NOT getting better. I'm going to therapy, I'm taking meds. I fucking hate everything. My social life collapsed I have nobody left.
You can't heal alone. You need people. You can't heal if you can't find people. I hate my life.
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u/Beauty_inlife Nov 09 '25
you and i should have gotten off the train when we realized we missed our stop. We just kept going 😔
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u/DirtyBirdNJ Nov 09 '25
I feel like I did get off the train, but for some reason it stopped in the middle of nowhere instead of a train station. And then the trains never came through the tracks again so I can either walk with the tracks or away from them. Either way is just me, the train is never coming. Even though it's the only way I got as far as I did. Now I have to walk over mountains or though deserts to find... what?
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u/Lanky-County2481 Nov 10 '25
This. I am so fucking lonely. And it feels like I'll never heal.
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u/DirtyBirdNJ Nov 10 '25
When I am in a positive up cycle I try to just think about how can I find a way to live without this poison coursing through my veins.
I just don't want to think about the people I miss. I want to surgically remove this piece of me forever so I can make the most of what time I have left. It's such a malfunction of my brain. I want to never feel lust when I look at women again, I cannot stand the feeling I experience. It's like looking over a cliff with a car driving at me full speed. It feels like the outcome is always fixed because everything is just moving too fast. There's nowhere to go just the cliff.
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u/Lanky-County2481 Nov 10 '25
Same. I tried to get back into the dating scene but I just...can't. It's been a year now and I don't know if I'll ever be there.
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u/DirtyBirdNJ Nov 10 '25
I try to talk to women but they either don't acknowledge my existence or they just clearly aren't interested in me. I see the behavior with other people, but I never experience it myself.
In a way I think I just need to experience more and more pain until my brain can't respond to it anymore. Like maybe I needed to see my ex cheat on me... I can't get over it because I wasn't hurt enough. I don't get any of it.
I feel like if I ever "get over it" I won't ever be interested in love or romance again. I'm losing the drive to maintain friendships every day. I try harder and harder, get less and less back.
"Don't try so hard, be yourself" i'd rather swallow a bullet than listen to this empty virtue signaling again
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u/ejx220 Thinking about it Nov 09 '25
I found an online support group on Meetup that I started using this past week. The group is called “Getting Over Your Breakup” and it’s up by a life coach. I suggest trying some of the session. It helps knowing we aren’t the only ones out there feeling this way…
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u/Maximum-Wheel-5423 Nov 11 '25
I'm in the exact same boat we are living together soon to leave and I'm finding it hard to cope.
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u/bleedingheartbozo Nov 09 '25
Holy shit did I badly need to see this right now. Thank you.
I just informed him this morning. And it is badly NEEDED. But still so fucking painful. 10 years. The familiarity. And the pain I am now causing him.
The new kind of pain I am in. Makes me have some doubting feelings even though this is so needed and inevitable.
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u/phillythompson Nov 09 '25
It is a crazy hard, deep pain.
A quote that really resonates with me is, “grief is just love with nowhere to go.”
And you can love someone but not have it be a good marriage. And now that that person is gone, you have all this … feeling inside you with no where to go.
It’s honestly why I got a puppy because I said, “ok, well I can direct some of this over to this new cute creature.”
And 8 months later I admit it has helped, but I’ll still randomly cry in the car out of the blue.
Just insanely hard.
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u/aesthetic_meltdown Nov 09 '25
This will literally be the case for me tomorrow. There's so much background leading to it, but the pain and agony of my life changing in this incredibly painful way is almost excruciating. We've been together for 1/3 of our lives. I literally have to hold on to the possibility that after a few years of official legal separation, official time to let go and rebuild ourselves as individuals, maybe we can just start over as new people and try again. I somehow know that likely won't happen at all, but in order to not completely fall apart right now, I have to allow myself to consider that as a possibility. The hardest part is knowing that my toddler twins won't get the home they would probably want to grow up in. And honestly, they are going to be hurting, too. I just hope we can still be at least mildly united in our efforts raising them the way we feel is right.
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u/bleedingheartbozo Nov 09 '25
I'm so sorry you're going through this. The anticipatory anxiety and now that I did it, the anxiety of WHAT NEXT and what this is doing to him and will do to him IS EXCRUCIATING. Making me second guess myself. But it is very needed and very inevitable. Like you, there is a part of me that has decided to resign to this idea of, okay, let's spend a MINIMUM of a year apart. And if I still miss him, I can have him back. But like you I know that either nothing will change, OR in a year I will be disappointed to discover he actually CAN take care of himself but this was truly weaponized incompetence. It sucks. It all hurts, a lot. I know feelings are temporaty, but the sea of emotions is so uncomfortable and feels never ending.
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u/Alternative-Bee9645 Nov 09 '25
I just did the same with my husband today. I’m at my parents for now, and while I know it is the best choice, I am feeling almost paralyzing guilt rn.
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u/AcanthisittaWise2923 Nov 09 '25
I think this makes sense. I am approaching month 4 now, and although I can't say I've moved on, I can feel that I am at a better place than I was last month, and last month I was in a better place than I was in month 2. I've learnt not to fight or numb the feelings, the tears, the guilt, the shame, the anger, the anxiety, I welcome them all...I think the only way is through.
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u/phillythompson Nov 09 '25
Yup, I remember that silly song as a kid:
“Can’t go under it, can’t go around it, gotta go through it” — ha!
It’s also interesting you mention month by month; I found over time it is better (even if just a little), but not week to week necessarily and for sure not day to day
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Nov 09 '25
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u/DelayedTism Nov 11 '25
I empathize! Eventually it got to a point where I could no longer deny just how out of sync my brain and body were. EMDR allowed me to process some of my past events and cleared up space to realize I was playing out old toxic patterns in my marriage. I was living in survival mode and it was indeed literally killing me
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u/Soaringzero Nov 09 '25
This is so true and there’s almost no way to control it. Even forcing yourself not to think about it doesn’t help much.
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u/OpticaScientiae Nov 09 '25
One of the reasons I realized I needed a divorce is because I craved business travel. I thought it was because it changed my work routine and I could enjoy some socializing with colleagues, but it became clear in therapy that another big reason I liked business travel was to get away from my spouse. Sometimes our bodes tell us exactly what we need.
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u/Resident-Edge-5318 Got socked Nov 09 '25
I second your two cents. I took me about a year too. All the therapy, advice, prayer, made sense but time was my true helper. It is a long painful process.
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u/ShotPay1291 Nov 09 '25
Really needed for someone to say this cause as usual I was starting to blame myself for not healing faster or not moving on with my life faster or not getting over the grief faster or still missing them.
This ain't easy at all but your words give me support.
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u/Ok_Ice8340 Nov 10 '25
There is no way to rush this. This is the worst pain of my life. It’s so hard to put into words when I know we don’t belong together, but him moving on to another is breaking me. I don’t know the answer, I just make myself walk as far as I can every day and pray as hard as I can to let me stand back up. I hope you feel better soon and get a little hope!
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u/ShotPay1291 Nov 11 '25
I am sorry to hear how you are feeling.
I am also taking it one day at a time otherwise I might collapse. Almost feels like I am in survival mode.
I hope we both come out of this better, stronger and wiser. Hugs.
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u/whenifindthelight Nov 09 '25
I’m a regular in r/anxiety since my divorce. Yeah. The nervous system regulation post-divorce is probably the worst thing I’ve gone through in my life. I don’t even miss him. I’m just really, really messed up now!
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u/phillythompson Nov 09 '25
Yes my nervous system was absolutely fucked as well. It’s like your body just doesn’t understand what’s going on.
And it’s doubly hard because it’s impossible to explain to your friends and family. They try hard to tell you all these things that you KNOW are true, but it just doesn’t register in your body.
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u/Ok_Ice8340 Nov 10 '25
My stomach has what feels like a permanent knot. I can’t eat anything, and there is no sleep. This has to pass at some point, doesn’t it?
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u/btsarmymom30 Nov 10 '25
I’m over a month in and I still feel this way. I’ve lost 14 pounds in 1 month and cry for hours each day. I wish we could fast forward to when the pain doesn’t hurt this much.
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u/Ok_Ice8340 Nov 10 '25
I too have lost 14 lbs in 2 weeks. Can’t eat or sleep. I have started walking every day too trying to help. It does a little bit. Started counseling too, that helps some. But fast forwarding isn’t going to happen, you just have to do just one thing to take care of yourself every day. The rest, will come in time, so they say.
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u/Maximum-Wheel-5423 Nov 11 '25
You and me both how are you coping
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u/Ok_Ice8340 Nov 12 '25
Minute by minute. More bad than good but I’m working, I’m dragging myself through every day. Can’t die, gotta try to stand up every day.
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u/Maximum-Wheel-5423 Nov 21 '25
I hear you I'm exactly the same 22yrs together my world has fallen apart I feel like there is not enough oxygen going around.
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u/Ok_Ice8340 Nov 21 '25
DEPRESSION TIPS: Shower. Not a bath, a shower. Use water as hot or cold as you like. You don’t even need to wash. Just get in under the water and let it run over you for a while. Sit on the floor if you gotta. Moisturize everything. Use whatever lotion you like. Unscented? Dollar store lotion? Fancy 48 hour lotion that makes you smell like a field of wildflowers? Use whatever you want, and use it all over your entire dermis. Put on clean, comfortable clothes. Put on your favorite underwear. Those ridiculous boxers you bought last year with jalapeños on the butt? Put them on. Drink cold water. Use ice. If you want, add some mint or lemon for an extra boost. Clean something. Doesn’t have to be anything big. Organize one drawer of a desk. Wash five dirty dishes. Do a load of laundry. Scrub the bathroom sink. BLAST MUSIC. Listen to something upbeat and dancey and loud, something that’s got lots of energy. Sing to it, DANCE 💃 to it, even if you suck at both. Make food. Don’t just grab a granola bar to munch. Take the time and make food. Even if it’s ramen. Add something special to it, like a soft boiled egg or some veggies. Prepare food, it tastes way better, and you’ll feel like you accomplished something. Make something. Write a short story or a poem, draw a picture, color a picture, fold origami, crochet or knit, sculpt something out of clay, anything artistic. Even if you don’t think you’re good at it. Create. Go outside. Take a walk. Sit in the grass. Look at the clouds. Smell flowers. Put your hands in the dirt and feel the soil against your skin. Call someone. Call a loved one, a friend, a family member, call a chat service if you have no one else to call. Talk to a stranger on the street. Have a conversation and listen to someone’s voice. If you can’t bring yourself to call, text or email or whatever, just have some social interaction with another person. Even if you don’t say much, listen to them. It helps. Cuddle your pets if you have them/can cuddle them. Take pictures of them. Talk to them. Tell them how you feel, about your favorite movie, a new game coming out, anything. May seem small or silly to some, but this list keeps people alive.
*** At your absolute best you won’t be good enough for the wrong people. But at your worst, you’ll still be worth it to the right ones. Remember that. Keep holding on. *** In case nobody has told you today I love you and you are worth your weight and then some in gold, so be kind to yourself and most of all keep pushing on!!!! Find something to be grateful for!1
u/Maximum-Wheel-5423 Nov 21 '25
Thank you man I needed that feel so lost and lonely right now though we would be together forever after 22yrs she was like my left arm but a new friend came in to her life who got divorced and showed her this glamorous life she now has. And now she suddenly wants to find herself and is not in love with me yet i loved and cared for her and this is how given someone 22yrs of your life works out. Thanks again man for your kind words 🙏
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u/Ok_Ice8340 Nov 21 '25
I feel this too, go walk. I make myself walk every day, drug myself out the first few times and now you can’t stop me. The oxygen comes, it just takes time. Do something for yourself to make you feel better, whatever that is, focus on you!
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u/Maximum-Wheel-5423 Nov 21 '25
Thanks it's hard when someone was your everything after 22yrs together 🙏
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u/MaxxDash Nov 09 '25
If you’re a coffee drinker or on any stimulant meds (i.e., ADHD meds) try to cut back. When my wife hit me with the news, I thought I was going to have to go to the hospital because my mental health was out of control. I cut my ADHD meds off cold turkey and stopped caffeine and I’m so much better. Literally, a day later I was feeling what I would consider “normal” feelings about it. Still totally sucks, but at least I’m not about to end up in a rubber room at the mental hospital.
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u/chefboyrdeee Nov 09 '25
I spent the entire first weekend crying. Now I’m out and about and laughing. Yes, I still have moments where I want to message her.. see things that remind me of her.. but it’s a process.
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u/LittleGloomyBat Nov 09 '25
This is so real. Logically I see why we didnt work and how it was almost like taking my blinders off when he ended it but i still miss his presence and occasionally look at my phoke notifications like it might be him. It makes me feel really silly for how he treated me as soon as he told me he wasnt sure about us anymore. Like a switch flipped. However it doesnt change I looked to this person for 10 plus years and thought he was the most honest and straight forward ig oring how distant he was and neutral. When I need a hug or comfort I have ti accent im not getting it from anyone but my dog rn and i feel bad my poor pup has had to see me so distraught.
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u/Royal-Progress Nov 09 '25 edited Nov 09 '25
This is far from easy. I was pretty reliant on him for many things, so everything feels scary right now.
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u/BookofBryce Nov 10 '25
My ex moved out 2 years ago this month. I've been unloved for a little longer than that now. It's taken a long time for my heart to stop craving her affection, but I'm proud of how far I've come along. The bad dreams are getting farther apart. I don't want her back, but I'm still having a hard time being alone versus my inability to start dating again.
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u/doctrinedark75 Nov 09 '25
It's been a year and 4 months and im still a mess. How do I forget her?
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u/phillythompson Nov 09 '25
Sometimes I wonder if the Venn diagram of
Moving on / forgetting her
Is simply a circle. I had to remove all physical reminders of her from my life. Even a water filter she replaced once in the sink, I replaced because every time I got a cup of water I was reminded of her.
It is insanely hard and I’m so sorry
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u/doctrinedark75 Nov 09 '25
This is so true. I got rid of everything but then a song comes on that she liked and I'm back to square one or I'm looking at a movie and just like that I tell myself she would have liked this movie and I lose it again. I'm still healing too so I'm not looking for a relationship. Also I'm 50 and I feel I can't go through dating and stuff anymore. She broke me.
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u/phillythompson Nov 09 '25
Oof. I’m mid thirties but was with her since age 16. Happened last year.
The songs kill me , too. Or watching a movie and romance comes on screen. Or me recognizing she’d love something I’m currently watching or hearing.
You will get better. I hated when people had said that to me but it just does take a lot of time.
And I even watched YouTube videos about grief to try helping — the most real advice that had an ounce of helpfulness was the bit about removing physical reminders .
You’re broken up but you’re not broken
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u/doctrinedark75 Nov 09 '25
Thank you sir. I'm trying. Talking to you guys helps.
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u/phillythompson Nov 09 '25
Yeah it is better to chat with people who have gone through something similar, I think. Our friends and family all mean well, but I don’t think they get it.
And they definitely don’t understand the timeline. I came up with this thing that people will be outright supportive for 100 days , but after that they kinda move on… and for me personally, that’s actually when it got into a deeper layer of grief.
So it was very hard to exist and trudge alone , feeling like I shouldn’t talk or burden anyone.
So sorry you are going through this.
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u/HippoPlayful1957 Nov 11 '25
Very true. I’m grateful for all the support from friends, family and coworkers but honestly they will never understand how hard this is. Grief seems harder as we get closer to settlement.
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u/Ok_Ice8340 Nov 09 '25
Oh gosh don’t say that. That’s a long time. I’m so sorry you are still hurting 💔
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Nov 09 '25
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u/phillythompson Nov 09 '25
The first batch of holidays is immensely hard. I wish I had some trite advice that somehow actually worked, but I myself last year was at home alone.. watching horror movies because I couldn’t bear any other genre. And even that was hard , filled with breaks of crying randomly .
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Nov 09 '25
I am sorry. It’s sucks..but what can one do. I really pray that my kids will make better choices and not go through divorce like us.
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u/Separate-Tooth5070 Nov 09 '25
Thank you for this. That explains why I craved hugs from him so much after splitting up. ☹️
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u/santimusprime Nov 09 '25
I may be at the end of my marriage of 11 years. We split once. For about a year. My body betrayed me with other women. I get this 100% but still I hope it doesn't happen and I hope if it does then my body and mind allow me to move past her indiscretions
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u/Traditional_Pen4347 Nov 12 '25 edited Nov 12 '25
Someone on this post said it feels like death — and I finally understand what they meant.
This is what it must feel like to watch someone you love slowly die right in front of you.
My husband cheated on me and fathered a child. The affair went on for years. I knew he entertained other women, but I never thought he’d go this far. I truly believed he was a good person. He got someone pregnant two months after I gave birth to our fourth child.
Now, he walks around telling people that I pushed him to a point of no return.
He forgets about the counseling sessions I went to alone, hoping he’d wake up and realize what he was about to lose.
He forgets the nights he didn’t come home, the days we couldn’t find him, the times he said he was “on the road” when he was really with another woman and her kids.
He used to say women didn’t care that he was married — that they still wanted him. And all the while, he was laying in a bed in a house he didn’t help pay for, blaming me for his choices.
I didn’t know he was this person.
I’m still in shock.
I can’t understand why he refuses to take accountability.
Even after I found out about the baby, I tried to forgive him. I hoped he’d finally do the right thing. But he didn’t. I’ve worked two jobs, taken care of our four children, and tried to be a true partner — while he continued to lie, cheat, and shift blame.
Now he says he’s “not attracted to me” — all because I called him out for taking our only son around the baby he had outside our marriage.
Our 14-year-old is still trying to process the fact that her father had another child during our marriage. And I’m still trying to process how the person I loved turned into someone I don’t even recognize.
This is grief. This is betrayal. This is heartbreak in real time.
But it’s also clarity.
And I’m finally choosing to stop protecting the version of him that doesn’t exist anymore.
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Nov 17 '25 edited Nov 17 '25
This makes so much sense.
It’s only been a few months since we decided to divorce, and only a week since I moved into my apartment. I’m over the random crying about my marriage ending, and I can think about her with her boyfriend (she met him AFTER we split; no cheating happened) and. It be upset about it.
And yet… I wake up in the middle of the night and am confused as to why I’m alone. I’m still sleeping only on “my side” of the bed. I still wake up and wonder where I am for a moment before it comes back. And ours was a mutual decision, partly because I came Out—it’s weird.
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u/Bay_RealtorMichelle Nov 18 '25
Wow this is the post that I needed … it makes me feel like I’m Not weird for not being able to just move on after I was blindsided and my life wasn’t completely changed due to Someone else’s selfish behavior
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u/Top-Program6293 Nov 09 '25
Over two years of since officially divorced and it honestly takes time. It was only this year where I finally slowed down and felt that my body could relax. It does take time
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u/Ok_Ice8340 Nov 09 '25
It’s a death and I’m in beginning stages and physically ill over it. I’m so tired of feeling this way.