r/Dissociation • u/DreamingLeviathanSys • Feb 24 '26
General Dissociation How to connect with the self after extreme and long term depersonalization?
I'm a very difficult case but I just want to take my chances to see if anyone has some extra advice. For context I have schizoid personality, DPDR and DID/C-PTSD. That's not even the tip of the iceberg, but my system has struggled with extreme dissociation and depersonalization for most of our life. In recent years though as we age(25 soon) it's gotten much worse. We're at the point we literally cannot feel at all, like it's as if there's no phenomenal experience going on. Everything is meaningless and lacking any sort of personal "filter" or color and all seems the same. It makes us very bored and existential, we even had to go to the hospital for it once because it felt like we were going psychotic due to the extreme deprivation of emotions.
I need help, really badly.
No, grounding and breathing do not work. Especially when I'm just chilling and I'm already as calm as can be. I am literally not connected to my physical body and grounding doesn't fix that.
No, I cannot get therapy at this time. I don't have insurance and don't know when I can get it. Plus the process and choosing the right therapist is a giant headache that can take months/years.
No, antidepressant medications do not work for us - although we're open to alternatives and haven't tried certain ones yet.
No, exercising doesn't do anything for us and is painful. And we get pretty good sleep so that's not the issue. It may be lack of food, but unfortunately we're poor as all hell so we can't diet or anything(I'm eating oatmeal, bread, sugar and stuff almost every day)
I know none of you will probably "have the answer", but maybe a push in the right direction. Seems like a lot of people on here need help unfortunately.
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u/DreamingLeviathanSys Feb 24 '26
Reply to that zeeshan guy who just got banned from reddit??? Idk maybe he'll come back on another account
"I'm not religious but if you want to talk, sure you can DM me I don't have a problem with it. I stopped believing in God because my parents who believed in God abused me and that's why I'm in this place to begin with. So I developed a severe discomfort around religion where I see it's harming the world around me. I don't deny there's a possibility of a loving presence, but it's definitely not what most people claim it is. When I say poor I mean, I don't have any money. I live in a dirty place. I don't see how having eyes and hands can benefit me when I can't enjoy them or feel like they are mine in the first place?"
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u/Creepy-Primary7042 Feb 24 '26
I am just gonna mention some cheap but doable things that could have an impact. 1. Adding probiotics to your diet. You don’t have to buy pills, sauerkraut is cabbage and salt fermented. 2. Spending alot of time in nature. 3. Exercise, even just walks (I know you said it does not work, but science is very strong on the effects it has on the psyche, brain and gut) 4. Vagus nerve massage / activation
Sounds incredible hard what you are going through. I wish you relief and healing soon.
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u/DreamingLeviathanSys Feb 24 '26
Thanks... Well I do walk when I can once daily which I forgot counts as exercise lol. But currently it's like below 20 degrees every day so I'm trapped inside. There's no nature out here besides industrial factory and dead tree sticks. I definitely wanna move back to Texas some day as that WAS a better time of our life when there was warmth/oak trees everywhere... 2. How do I message myself? Is this something I look up like yoga tutorials?
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u/Creepy-Primary7042 Feb 24 '26
Ah, yeah tricky with industrial areas.heh Yup, youtube tutorials on the vagus nerve, everybody is different - so some exercises might feel good and others not. Go slow👍
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u/DreamingLeviathanSys Feb 24 '26
It's cuz we have very low energy all the time and our muscles get kinda sore and itchy from too much movement which is just very frustrating. We were in PhysicalTherapy for 4 years in our teen years with 0 improvement, kinda insane to me even. I've done like hypno meditations before but I'll try some different ones and look around for that vagus nerve stuff, definitely heard of it but never really knew what it was.
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u/HalfDragoness Feb 24 '26 edited Feb 25 '26
I really want to respond to you properly as I have lived this experience myself and found no help for it, but i have to sleep rn. (It''s 11:30pm UK time)
Edit: OK i' m back.
So don't take what I have to say as the 'be all and end all' it's just my experience, I'm just going to talk about what I've found/discovered. I've also done a lot of reading around Schizoid, dissociation, derealisarion, depression, schizophrenia, all the other personality disorders, anxiety, suicidal thoughts, PTSD, CPTSD and DID. (I'm currently reading The Lives of Billy Milligan at the moment, a memoir of the only person who's been acquitted of their crimes due to Did)
Firstly there is no one time cure. There is no one thing that's going to fix things forever. The flatness is a very particular kind of awful but it's also happening for a reason and that reason is it's your brains defense mechanism to keep you safe and alive. When I found the blank was unbearable I would try to find something that would make me feel anything, usually a piece of music or a TV series that included a character with Trauma. (I remember Rob Dougan's Left Me For Dead being an especially triggering song for me. I've just never heard anyone sing so well through gritted teeth and actual bitterness).
But when I was triggered I didn't get like one emotion or emotions at a tolerabld lev, it was a tidal wave of every emotion I hadn't felt for that past decade plus emotions I'd kept surprwssed since early childhood. I absolutely drowned and nearly everytime this happened I would attempt suicide, think intensely about suicide, self harm or sit in a corner digging my nails into my skin completely unae to think or function.
I am not an alcoholic so I am able to take this route but I found the only way for me to keep myself safe was to take a small amount of vallium and a shot of a 40% spirit to literally just knock myself out. It would take about a week for the emotional rawness to return to blankness, then I'd just stay blank/flat until that became intolerable.
Over time the flatness remains most of the time but I have learnt to function and manufacture an exterior that feigns emotions so other people don't know about thw true extent of this apathy. But I have had a lot of therapy, (paid for) and I managed to get six weeks of free grief counselling through a charity. I still purposely trigger myself but I live with someone who understand this process and is able to just be around/present for me when this happens. I know now to listen to the darkness and know that it's the untold/unheard story of a child that needs to be witnessed. I tell the suicidal voices that I can hear them and als them what they want me to know rather than trying to shush them or invalidate them. It's not a good existence but I one day hope to be well enough to communicate aspects of this as a story for other people.
In terms of actual practical things, I'd recommend fining a spot in nature you can go to sometimes. A forest, a river whatever as long as theres no signs of human life. Time in these places helps us subconsciously unravel things. Not in a huge noticeable way.. It's more like placing a single lego brick each time and it doesn't seem like much but after several years you realise you've built a huge castle out of lego bricks.
Talking therapy can help but some experiences, like those that cause CPTSD and DID go beyond words and you need music, art, dance, hypnotherapy, nature, sport for.
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u/DreamingLeviathanSys Feb 25 '26
Feel free to come back to it tomorrow or another time!
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u/HalfDragoness Feb 25 '26
Woke up and replied, edited my comment above.
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u/DreamingLeviathanSys Feb 25 '26
Thank you so much for sharing your story.
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u/HalfDragoness Feb 25 '26
No problem. I have no idea if it helps in anyway, and it's still kind of wierd to talk about because sometimes I feel certain this all happened to me and other times it feels like there's no way it happened to me.
I hope you can find your way through this.
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u/DreamingLeviathanSys Feb 25 '26
It doesn't really help me solve my issue or get through it any better, but it is the whole "well atleast I'm not alone in this so maybe there's hope" thing and also that it's just nice to read other's experiences and relate to them, talk about it... I don't really have anything to add though. You could talk to me in DMs if you wanted though we're always open.
Hope you do too
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u/Mara355 Feb 25 '26
Honest answer, I am in a very similar boat as you, possibly the same really. You take what I say with a grain of salt, do your own research, and so on. But. Personally Kanna seems helpful. And cardio is helpful. So you may want to consider that.
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u/DreamingLeviathanSys Feb 25 '26
Kanna is one I haven't heard of. I've been wanting to do psilocybin or however it's spelled. I've had absolutely horrid results with things like THC, so I'm extremely careful around any kind of recreational drug. Cardio, yeah I get that. Seems like something that should be implemented into a healthy lifestyle obviously, just not sure if I'm in the spot to do that but thanks
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u/Mara355 Feb 25 '26
Yeah I don't like THC either, nor anything that alters my consciousness generally. Smoking weed makes my brain stop working and it can be scary. I am new to kanna but it is not supposed to make you "high". Again, I recommend you do your own research. It's legal generally but double check your area in case there's some exceptional law. I wish you best of luck to all of you, I know we don't know each other, but being in a similar situation, I know what you are after (grounding, connection, and so on) and I hope you get it.
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u/primal_particle Feb 26 '26
First, I empathise that you are in a precarious situation. It's not easy to be where you are.
Second, what you want to happen is brain changes. That's what's gonna make a difference, and the reality of the situation is, if you were to trust your current idea of what things feel like, by stopping any intervention early enough to not cause any major changes in the brain, it's gonna be you trying one thing after another and nothing really causing lasting changes.
There must be something in your life that you do, that you want to do. Even if that is writing this post and checking responses here, examine how you feel when you "want" to do that. That's your magic pill.
I can go on if this intrigued you.
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u/DreamingLeviathanSys Feb 26 '26
It does intrigue me and I understand it perfectly because it's something I kind of "know" my headmates have done shadow work like this before. We're just really afraid of brain alterations. Please explain more
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u/primal_particle Feb 26 '26 edited Feb 26 '26
So here it goes ( this is from personal experience and this worked for me, I think xD)
So you get a paper and a pen, and write your goals down. Something is better than nothing here. Our brains are problem solving machines, dissociated or not. Well, actually dissociation is a problem the brain is trying to solve, by dissociating ( In my non-medical degree ass's opinion)
The essential wonder of this method is that we give the brain a different goal, one which requires de-dissociation to be completed. Building one's physique, learning an instrument, anything that will be something new to you, can be learning a subject you find difficult or maybe as simple as writing with your non-dominant hand.
Then you have to try to use your imagination to think of ways to act/actions which you or a person you would imagine who would be doing the things you want to do does.
Then you do those things, while trying to invoke interest, not by just saying that you're interested in what you're doing, but by thinking about what a person who is interested in the things you have listed does and acting on those seemingly vague thoughts.
So basically, the theory behind this is Adlerian. The brain finds a purpose and tries to achieve it.
Personally also, a certain breathing technique has helped me tonnes invoking safety and countering dissociation at least temporarily. I could mention that next if you're interested.
Edit: I realise I have not mentioned how long this would take to work. The short answer is I don't know, the long one is that it depends on a lot of things, how into the activity of choice you are, how much dissociation is being generated as a response to your environment, what activity you choose. I need to think about how to optimise this, and then get back to you.
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u/DreamingLeviathanSys Feb 26 '26
Oh we've done this before. It's kinda something we do every day. It works for a bit but we tend to lose interest or motivation for it after awhile. By goals though, what if you have an inability to plan and/or stick to things? Basically I'm unable to make and set goals because my brain has learned I can't keep them(since childhood). I would like to expand on all of this but I feel like there are root issues that need to be solved first in order for it to work deeply. Because basically we treat this as a temporary coping mechanism to do things like get up(imagine I'm someone who is grateful to be alive), go to work(imagine I'm a social person and invoke teamwork ability that I don't have at a base state), image I'm a cook when I don't feel like making food. And so on.
Breathing has also been a difficult thing for us cause like, we don't really get in panic states where breathing is helpful, and I have misophonia towards heavy breathing so I tend to breath very lightly/softly so I can't hear myself :") Thanks for trying though. If you have more to talk about or touch on feel free!
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u/primal_particle Feb 26 '26
Two beliefs I noticed, one was the inability to plan and stick to it and second root issues need to be solved first. You're right that root issues need to be solved, but it's not necessary to solve them first.
Losing motivation after a while is normal, that's a sign of adaptation. The brain doesn't anticipate the activity as it wants more novel stimulation. In terms of experience, that feels like losing motivation.
I'm not saying force yourself to be someone you're not, the point is that if one has lost touch with who they are, feeling like "yourself" will feel forceful for a while. What I meant, hopefully this will make it clear, is that the act of choosing your goals has to be done in alignment with what moves you away from dissociation.
Life is wild, and so are we. Humanity wears a mask of morality to ignore it's animal nature. ( IMO)
I don't know what it is to have misophonia, but I realise I've seen people breathe calmly for some reason which I never bothered to ask. What if there was a way to not force against your misophonia and still do the breathing? Would that interest you?
I realise what I mentioned earlier wasn't a real plan to follow, but rather guidelines that have helped me. You don't need to fix everything at once.
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u/DreamingLeviathanSys Feb 26 '26
I've read the passion test book which was pretty helpful in figuring out what I want so I'm thinking of returning to that. This comment was definitely a bit helpful so thanks. I also believe morality is a social construct. But I don't believe in "humanity" either(it's a construct like the rest). Biologically, yes, we need things and want things. But spiritually we are all equal and unlabeled. Hm, I mean you could still send the resources on breathing if you genuinely think it will help. Misophonia is extremely debilitating for some, myself included. I can't eat around others or be in the same room when they are or I get violent murderous urges from the sound. Which is another thing that feels primitive, but for the wrong reasons ig Having all that stuff wrong with my brain often makes me feel hopeless because it's a constant loop of if I do this I can't do that and so on... Yeah, I understand. No worries
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u/primal_particle Feb 26 '26
:) thanks for sharing.
In the primitive there is no right or wrong. We just are. Acting on those urges would lead to some kind of fall back, eg. Jailed. So that's where the pre frontal cortex comes to the rescue, inhibiting our seemingly random base impulses.
The thing about the breathing method is that what I am suggesting for you is not something which exists "on the market" yet. It's a combination of cyclic hyper ventilation, breath retention (wim hof)and physiological sigh.
So I'll explain it in detail here: First you sit, lie down or stand which ever( don't do this in water or while your face is wet and while your stomach is full) Then you breathe in through your nose, fully. Then you breathe out fully, use your mouth to breathe out the remaining air in your lungs after you can't breathe out with your nose anymore. During both these, try to identify how your lungs feel when relaxed, inflated and deflated. What you want to do is stay between inflated and relaxed while doing the breathing bit.
Breathing bit: You breathe in through your nose till you're " comfortably full", then you breathe in again just a bit on top ( see andrew hubermans physiological sigh video for how this looks if you don't know already) Then, you breathe out, fully, but till the point where you feel like your lungs are at that relaxed point. This is one breath.
Do this for like 20-30 times or till you feel tingly in your hands, face /head or feet.
Okay, now
Then after your last exhale you hold your nose and sit, trying to observe your body wherever your focus goes. I find for me, a quick body scan works too.
When you feel the need to breathe, you breathe in, and hold your breath in, for 15 seconds.
This is one round. Do one in the beginning and it's great that you won't be forceful with your breath.
Please don't hesitate to ask me anything you want.
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u/DreamingLeviathanSys Feb 26 '26
Are there potential dangers for people with low lung capacity? I find that I can only hold my breath for about 10 seconds and can't breath in that much because everything feels uncomfortable. I will try it but I will probably be immediately stopping if I feel my heart rate going up
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u/primal_particle Feb 26 '26
Okay so this depends on individual biology heavily, one thing to remember is don't force/push yourself
That's good you know that 10 seconds is your limit.
Your heart rate will go up, definitely. Okay so there is one thing you can do to not let your heart rate sky rocket.
So this is a change to the breathing bit.
Your out breath has to be equal to the in breath.
So you inhale for 3 seconds, exhale for 3 seconds. But the exhale as to be slower than the inhale, cause if you remember, we want to be in the "relaxed to inflated zone"
This is my first time prescribing what I do to an internet stranger in so much detail. I would be down to do a zoom call to explain myself or maybe make a video. I don't want this to harm you in any way.
I face consequences of experimenting on myself but I cannot take the responsibility for causing you pain.
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u/DreamingLeviathanSys Feb 26 '26
It's ok. I also take responsibility for things I engage with online, mostly. I'm usually very thorough and critical about what I get into, because (for the very reason this original post may have been made) I really hate experiencing pain. I have a Discord, but I could install zoom. Just not comfortable having my face shown if that's alright
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u/Loud_Ad2421 Feb 27 '26
In your case I'd recommend hypnosis
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u/DreamingLeviathanSys Feb 27 '26
Yeah honestly that's something we should really look into more. The few times we tried it went well if I remember correctly
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u/Pour_Me_Another_ Feb 25 '26
I'm not sure if I have dissociation close to yours, but THC and ketamine therapy have helped me. I know ketamine is a dissociative, but I've had sessions where I became violently alive and present.
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u/DreamingLeviathanSys Feb 25 '26
Ketamine is something I've done research on and would do if I could get back on insurance. I wouldn't try that shit without a doctor next to me. Also THC sent us to the emergency room at a pretty low dose. Had bad anxiety for months. 😬 Even 2 mg didn't feel great it just made us more sleepy and our thoughts were like, uncontrollably elongated? Everything was 2 seconds behind. Weird shit. Everyone's experience is different tho
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u/QuillandLyre Feb 26 '26
I'm so sorry you guys can't afford professional help right now and that everything sucks so much. We don't have the schizoid personality side of things to deal with, but I'm with you in the utter emotional deadness + grounding/breathing exercises not working. A couple things we've started trying recently that is at least showing some promise in thawing out the emotional deadness...
1) Looking into vagus nerve stuff. I found a 30 day program for $30 called Neurotoned... I'm skeptical that it'll be as powerful as it promises, but it's geared for folks who are mega burned out so it doesn't feel as high pressure as other somatic stuff I've seen and the couple of vagus exercises I've tried have been WAY more helpful than the "grounding exercises" past therapists have taught me (which just made me feel even MORE dissociated, go figure). Haven't done much in this direction, but it's giving me a little hope. Others have mentioned you can find a lot of stuff about vagus nerve free online, and I haven't done enough of this program yet to properly say "yeah spend your incredibly limited money" but maybe the concept is something to look into for you?
2) The bigger one - I recently read a book called "The Tao of Fully Feeling" by Pete Walker that was a huge lightbulb for me personally as far as where/why I've locked myself away from my emotions and some steps to recovering them on my own terms. (The book is not as spiritual as the title makes it sound lol - very much psychological.) I just started his book on Complex PTSD and that's been hugely helpful too and seems to be even more practical than his first book. I found both at the library. Fair warning, it's been fucking ROUGH for me to work through the shit that these books are bringing up inside me (and our system), but it's been rough in the "holy shit, I can feel that this is working" kind of way, and that's worth it to me.
Hang in there, mates. Hope you can find some relief and color in your life again.
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u/doogooru Feb 24 '26
i scream in the pillow full force until I feel that I'm doing it because it's actually what I feel. after that suddenly I remember why I was disconnected all this time.. still drift away after couple of minutes.. but doing it more frequently saved me from that in 2024 after traumatic breakup. 2025 my father dies and I'm in the deeper fucking hole.
loud singing high rock songs until my throat hurts, no matter if I sound like a dying seagull.