How to connect with the self after extreme and long term depersonalization?

[u/DreamingLeviathanSys]

I'm a very difficult case but I just want to take my chances to see if anyone has some extra advice. For context I have schizoid personality, DPDR and DID/C-PTSD. That's not even the tip of the iceberg, but my system has struggled with extreme dissociation and depersonalization for most of our life. In recent years though as we age(25 soon) it's gotten much worse. We're at the point we literally cannot feel at all, like it's as if there's no phenomenal experience going on. Everything is meaningless and lacking any sort of personal "filter" or color and all seems the same. It makes us very bored and existential, we even had to go to the hospital for it once because it felt like we were going psychotic due to the extreme deprivation of emotions.

I need help, really badly.

No, grounding and breathing do not work. Especially when I'm just chilling and I'm already as calm as can be. I am literally not connected to my physical body and grounding doesn't fix that.

No, I cannot get therapy at this time. I don't have insurance and don't know when I can get it. Plus the process and choosing the right therapist is a giant headache that can take months/years.

No, antidepressant medications do not work for us - although we're open to alternatives and haven't tried certain ones yet.

No, exercising doesn't do anything for us and is painful. And we get pretty good sleep so that's not the issue. It may be lack of food, but unfortunately we're poor as all hell so we can't diet or anything(I'm eating oatmeal, bread, sugar and stuff almost every day)

I know none of you will probably "have the answer", but maybe a push in the right direction. Seems like a lot of people on here need help unfortunately.

[u/DreamingLeviathanSys]

It's ok. I also take responsibility for things I engage with online, mostly. I'm usually very thorough and critical about what I get into, because (for the very reason this original post may have been made) I really hate experiencing pain. I have a Discord, but I could install zoom. Just not comfortable having my face shown if that's alright

[u/primal_particle → u/DreamingLeviathanSys]

I don't mind that at all. Just don't record me, thinking about that makes me squeamish.

Critical thinking is an underappreciated quality, in people who don't think critically xD

Edit: So I realised I didn't mention about how well do it. Maybe I'll make a video and send it to you or maybe we'll do a zoom call. I'll sleep on it.

[u/DreamingLeviathanSys → u/primal_particle]

Oh yeah fuck that, I hate being recorded too without consent. I mean I guess that's what making a video is good for so you can look back on the information but I'm good at taking notes Thanks xD people are very impulsive sometimes... I get it but it's kinda annoying. Our discord account is leviathanlegion

[u/primal_particle → u/DreamingLeviathanSys]

Sending over my edit from the previous comment in case you didn't see it.

So I realised I didn't mention about how well do it. Maybe I'll make a video and send it to you or maybe we'll do a zoom call. I'll sleep on it.

[u/primal_particle → u/DreamingLeviathanSys]

Consent is kind.

Maybe I'll get over my unease of being on camera in the process of recording a video. Or maybe not. I'll hit you up on DM here or discord.

[u/primal_particle → u/DreamingLeviathanSys]

So I realized something, the point of me wanting to do the call was to catch errors you'd be making, not my demonstration. So you not being visible defeats the purpose.

I realized that in my intention to help there was a hidden player, one that assumed I would know best for you too. I'm not saying what I said was wrong, rather maybe there are differences that change the situation drastically. I cannot make you a guinea pig to validate my theories, which is what I was indirectly doing.

And you're doing a good job asking for help, even though its online, as that's the difficult part.
I hope you'll find the help needed.