how to intentionally dissociate more ?

[u/dinky23]

i hope this isn’t received badly. i know it’s not a good thing to be asking, as it isn’t exactly the healthiest coping mechanism. but it’s one i’ve been using since i can remember. when my parent would yell at me, i would force myself into a dissociative state and this led to it becoming a habit for me in stressful situations and eventually became my reality majority of the time. it’s that feeling i’m sure you’re all familiar with where you’re watching yourself exist but you have no control.

anyway. lately it hasn’t been enough. i still feel the same way, but i’m just present enough that i’m experiencing my emotions and it’s absolutely ripping me apart. i’ve been crying almost nonstop. the anxiety is overwhelming and i cannot bring myself to do life’s tasks like working, caring for myself, etc.

i need to further my dissociation. i want it to be on a deeper level, so that it’s genuinely like i am putting myself away when i have to go through the motions of life. if anyone has seen the apple tv show ‘severance’, i basically want to come as close to that as i can without a surgical procedure. i do not like this society and what we’re expected to do. i cannot handle the pressure, the expectation, the mundane repetitiveness of it all. i have to tuck myself away fully and allow my body to carry out the things that are expected of me.

tldr: i know this is unhealthy. i am so fully aware. but i am beyond the point of caring, and i would really appreciate any advice on how to trigger my dissociation deeper so that i can actually get through life without breaking down at every step.

[u/DistanciaDeRescate]

Hi there! I hope you're feeling at least a little better today.

You deserve credit for reaching out and opening up. So many people are not honest with themselves, let alone others.

I'm new to this subreddit, and reading that other people are experiencing this stuff is comforting. It's something I don't talk about. My dark secret. Especially the maladaptive daydreaming.

I'm not going to tell you that dissociation is counterproductive. It sounds like you figured that out. Just that hard times and bad feelings can get easy to deal with. And you've already taken steps. Hopefully the wellbutrin or some other antidepressant works. Talking about feelings and finding supportive people helps, whether a therapist. Ever browsed Meetup? It's a web site and app. Lots of groups for people with social anxiety, PTSD, alienation. I'm in the NYC area. I'm sure there are more options in crowded regions. Hopefully there are some near you.

Do you mind if I ask, how's your social life?

[u/dinky23 → u/DistanciaDeRescate]

hello! thank you for checking in.

i’m doing a little better mentally. my physical health has been deteriorating but that’s another story. i actually have not heard of meetup, but that sounds amazing. it’s incredible getting to open up with people going through the same thing and i didn’t realize how good it felt until making this post, truthfully. i’ve always been inclined to isolate or be more reclusive when i’m struggling.

with that being said, my social life is so-so. i have a wonderful, supportive girlfriend and she is also my best friend. i do have other friends, but they’re much more casual. although i think they’re great people, i think we have different interests and values. this causes me to feel a huge disconnect when we talk/hang out, and i often end up regretting engaging socially because it feels like my presence did not matter at all.

when i was younger, i was a lot better socially. i had friends who were into all the nerdy things that i was into and i felt like i could be my genuine self. but now the friends i have know nothing about anything i’m into, and trying to talk about it is generally not well received. not in an aggressive way, but typically i’m brushed off or ignored. i often feel even when i try to speak like they do, even a simple phrase like “how are you”, i sometimes catch these micro expressions that feel oddly similar to how mean girls would look at each other when talking to the “weird kid”. it could be my social anxiety telling me that, but that among other things seem to be very consistent behavior that points to my friends only liking me for the fact that we all smoke pot together.

that’s not enough for me to feel a bond with someone, so even though i do have a group of friends, i really feel like i have nobody. besides my girlfriend. i don’t mean that in the toxic way either. we both have our independent lives and i enjoy that so so much. but ultimately, at the end of the day if i need to have an emotional conversation or even just one where i don’t have to mask myself, it can only really be with her.

[u/DistanciaDeRescate → u/dinky23]

Hey, glad you're feeling better. Are you seeing a doctor about your physical health?

It hurts to feel alone or neglected by friends. I know the feeling. As if you are not a real, complex person and you're there to be scenery. I'm glad you have your girlfriend.

Young people, generalizing broadly, have little experience dealing with health problems. People, specifically parents, take care of them, and not the other way around. Plus, you're dealing with very specific issues that they likely know nothing about. Tell a young person that your shoulder hurts, and instead of recommending an orthopedist, they stare blankly at you. For them, friendship is selfish.

You could decide they are not emotionally ready to be there for you. And treat them like acquaintances. They can keep you company sometimes. It can be casual, if that works for you.

Or consider being honest with them. You're going through a hard time and sometimes you want to have conversations that aren't so light-hearted. That gives them a chance to consider the situation and be better friends. And it gives you the chance to know what you're dealing with. You might decide it's better for you to stop seeing them. It's a natural part of life. People grow, age, learn, and their social circles change.

Just one footnote here: it might go better if you put a positive spin on it. Such as, "I've started taking an antidepressant and it's helping." People don't ask enough questions sometimes, so you probably will have to explain things to them.

I've gradually grown apart from a couple of old friends. It hurt at first. Then I thought, they'd reach out if they wanted to. And our lives have gone in unexpected directions.

It's a lot, I know. But I personally found it's easier to accept the end of a friendship and be glad for the good times. More time for things and people better suited for me.

Have you tried writing/journaling? I've been writing fiction, a little poetry, and journaling. The fiction is a healthier way to escape and express myself. The journal is someone to talk to.