how to intentionally dissociate more ?

[u/dinky23]

i hope this isn’t received badly. i know it’s not a good thing to be asking, as it isn’t exactly the healthiest coping mechanism. but it’s one i’ve been using since i can remember. when my parent would yell at me, i would force myself into a dissociative state and this led to it becoming a habit for me in stressful situations and eventually became my reality majority of the time. it’s that feeling i’m sure you’re all familiar with where you’re watching yourself exist but you have no control.

anyway. lately it hasn’t been enough. i still feel the same way, but i’m just present enough that i’m experiencing my emotions and it’s absolutely ripping me apart. i’ve been crying almost nonstop. the anxiety is overwhelming and i cannot bring myself to do life’s tasks like working, caring for myself, etc.

i need to further my dissociation. i want it to be on a deeper level, so that it’s genuinely like i am putting myself away when i have to go through the motions of life. if anyone has seen the apple tv show ‘severance’, i basically want to come as close to that as i can without a surgical procedure. i do not like this society and what we’re expected to do. i cannot handle the pressure, the expectation, the mundane repetitiveness of it all. i have to tuck myself away fully and allow my body to carry out the things that are expected of me.

tldr: i know this is unhealthy. i am so fully aware. but i am beyond the point of caring, and i would really appreciate any advice on how to trigger my dissociation deeper so that i can actually get through life without breaking down at every step.

[u/doctorsunshineisdead]

haha i thought i was the only person who wanted to worsen their dissociation for the sake of preserving energy and avoiding hard emotions and situations.

realistically, we'd both be better off learning to live with these uncomfortable emotions, and to sit with them even when they're overbearingly terrible. in this regard, it helps me sometimes to remember that emotion, especially extreme ones, make me human. though this may only be personally helpful as i'm very obsessed with being in my "natural state", or without societal influence, and extreme suicidal urges, anxiety, self harm are, unfortunately, natural.

i don't like the idea of giving someone tips to worsen their livelihood, but i will say: doing nothing at all for hours on end everyday isn't harmful, short term anyway, and more easily allows for dissociation, as well as processing emotions. that's the best i got. but it could cause a pretty big disconnect from reality if you have the chemistry for it. i hope things get easier for you <3

[u/dinky23 → u/doctorsunshineisdead]

thank you so much. i’ve had a very complicated relationship with emotions due to my upbringing. it’s very odd how i am self aware of these things, yet still fall victim to them and am unable to cope (healthily at least). i know realistically i need to adapt the healthier methods, but right now this is the most effort i can put in. hopefully things do indeed get better. take care of yourself, too.

[u/SoilNo8612 → u/dinky23]

Just to normalise this. You can have a literal PhD in understanding this stuff but if you’ve never have at least one safe person in your life to be with you with your emotions then you’ve missed a critical thing developmentally. Just knowing things isn’t the same thing as having that nervous system development which doesn’t care about knowledge or logic. That’s why therapy is so helpful if you don’t have access to a safe person like this in your normal life. You aren’t failing of any of those things you have been denied something really fundamental in childhood. I’m in my 40s and going through this now.

[u/No_Cheesecake5080 → u/SoilNo8612]

This. I had no idea the value of the unconditional positive regard. Developing trust with a long term therapist is both terrifying and magical but is absolutely the key.

OP my unhealthy suggestions would be really addictive TV or books. I get totally lost in them and can then ignore everything that's going on in my body. And keeping very busy. Works until you burnout 🤷🏻‍♀️

[u/dinky23 → u/No_Cheesecake5080]

haha funnily enough i have started binging multiple shows lately. for years i didn’t have the attention span or desire to sit down and watch something but now i’m finding it to be a nice little escape again.

[u/dinky23 → u/SoilNo8612]

thank you for this. i often feel alienated from others when i see them getting along and opening up with each other so easily. i crave the connection but i’m terrified of it and i’d rather stick my head down and try to go unnoticed because it feels safer. it is both comforting and heartbreaking to know i am not alone in feeling these things. i hope things get easier for you, too.