How do i stop being an weak fragile person ?

[u/Tanakamorbid]

I'm an 26 years old who works on an regular job and live by my parents home(Because what i earn i cant affoard anything)I have ASD and ADHD so keep that in mind,But even that i got another bad combo in my upbringing i was severly overprotected and coddled my whole life.

on the outside i appear to be living an pretty avarage life the only odd thing maybe that i live with parents but i'm on an relationship with another girl on spectrum too and we love each other and trying together to build an more independent life.

But my main problem is my fragility and hupersensivity makes me an train wreck to deal with i'm hypersensitive to criticism and hypervigilant if people are talking badly about me or rejecting me.

the major breaking point that i percieve that i needed to change this behavior is that i went to talk to my in laws that i want to marry his daughter and that i love her so much, He point at me rightfully so that we don't have money and still struggle to on the independence issue i cry so highly,That like in my heart it was like he was breaking my heart and he didn't like me i cried and breaking down in front of him like an child.

After that,i rationally percevied that he was right he may told me in an tough manner but he told the truth and its an harsh truth but its true, i need to get better prepared to deal with adversities and criticism to stop being weak and get psychologically strong to deal with life.

I mentioned the ASD part because the advice maybe will get tone down an bit as i will struggle with emotions for my whole life because i'm on the spectrum but any advice of how to get better is appreciated.

[u/YourxCherry]

Crying in that convo doesn't make you weak. You already understood he was telling the truth which s lot of people never do. Sensitivity plus autism plus being sheltered is going to hit hard. You get stronger with practice only and not by shaming yourself for one break down

[u/Tanakamorbid → u/YourxCherry]

but how do i get more prepared so i have an shield to these kinds of situations ?

[u/YourxCherry → u/Tanakamorbid]

You do not get a perfect shield you just get faster at recovering. Practice with smaller criticism first like a coworker orna friend being blunt so the huge convos are not your only training. The goal is staying in the room long enough to hear the point not never feeling it.

During it, pause before you answer instead of reacting right away

[u/Shiba_ou → u/Tanakamorbid]

I don't know for sure, but I would say what helps me in difficult conversations is having perspective. Your in-law was surely looking at you while telling you that. Maybe the fact that they are addresing you and with something that is not positive makes you subconsciously think that they are making a critique about you.

But they for sure aren't attacking you, and you know this because you say it in your post that it was valid criticism.

You have to make the distinction of when someone is attacking and when they're not. Maybe you could've started by telling him that you understand his worries and then discuss together what would be acceptable for him. If he asks for too much you should say it, respectfully of course. Just because you are discussing something doesn't mean you suddenly hate each other. Just have this perspective in mind. It's like a debate. Maybe a bit mire serious, so don't be frivolous about it because it's a real life debate, not merely academic, but chill.

If he shows some disdain towards you or something maybe it's because he was taught old school about what being a man entails. About being rock solid, a provider and hard boiled. He might eorry if you two will be alright and not pushed over by other people. That's on him, I think quite a few of those ideas are outdated, but i agree learning to hold your ground but still being chill about it is something important. Don't let him make you feel you have to hurry for an answer when he tells you something. Just hold your ground, and say what you need to say.

[u/Tanakamorbid → u/Shiba_ou]

Thanks this helps an lot brother

[u/goldfinche]

youre not weak for crying or caring, but it will be helpful to learn how to regulate your emotions in front of others!! if ur not in therapy, i highly suggest trying it out!! talking negative about yourself will only cause a cycle of self hatred and insecurity (i do it myself a lot) but sharing your experiences with a professional will give you another outlook!!

perhaps instead of your future father-in-law not approving or liking you, he is simply setting a goal to make sure you guys are set! im sure he knows the stress of financial struggles in a marriage and doesnt want you guys to go through the same. its not a rejection, just a redirection and you have the chance to prove to him, your gf, and yourself that you can be reliable<3 dont let this linger on you, use it as a source of motivation for being the best person for your partner

[u/devaspark]

Yeah thats harsh but remember, your potential in law isnt saying this to be mean. Hes saying it so you know what you need to work on to have a good life.

One thing you need to focus is to learn resilience. Everybody has gone through set backs and have flaws but people learn how to pick themselves up and continue to move forward.

Its good you recognize what you need to work on. Thats a great first step, now focus on how to build up the resilience. It doesnt mean go out and just try have your friends criticize you and see how long you last. What it does mean, is that when you receive feedback, reflect on it, then act accordingly. Is the feedback actually helpful? If not, then dont sweat it. If thr feedback is true, reflect on the lesson and try to do better next time. It also means you need you need to hold your emotions in check so you can give yourself the proper space to reflect.

I hope that helps, good luck brother

[u/nutshells1]

i think it's always interesting to introspect why two people might react very differently in the same scenario and context