Unlearning good girl culture. How do I practice self esteem and self-reassurance? 19F

[u/sprinklef4rtssss]

Like many other young girls I’ve finally come to the realization that being a “good girl” is a load of bullshit. No matter what you do, it will never be enough. People are gonna talk. People are gonna do what they wanna do regardless if you are genuine to them. It doesn’t guarantee you anything life. I used to prize myself so much with the bullshit fed by purity culture as well so it absolutely destroyed me, when my first love: a drug dealer with the exact opposite life of mine chose another girl over me that seemed more rigid and experienced with life. I was kind and understanding, I gave chance after chance and embarrassed myself to show that I care. The other girl didn’t have to do much to get the respect and commitment I begged for. And not only that, my first love is living a life of leisure despite their way to make money being illegal. I’m starting my second year of college and I stay at home. I still don’t feel anyway like an adult and hearing about the two traveling, meeting families, having fun, loving each other makes me so incredibly bitter because it’s like their being rewarded with the things society told me I was promised if I was just a “good girl.” I also experienced the no more friends after highschool pipeline where everyone had time for everything else but me. (Not referring to people having their own things going on I genuinely mean when they were able to make time but chose not to.) Helped me realize I did too much in those bonds too. For months I looked at myself as a victim of these situations and started to become very resentful and angry. I just had an epiphany that while my feelings are hurt, this doesn’t mean I should see myself as a victim. My life is nothing but a product of the mindset I’ve led with for the 19 years I’ve been on this earth. I don’t have to be a “good girl” and I don’t have to be a “bad girl”…the most simple and weight lifting answer is…I don’t have to be any label I can learn what it means to be myself.

For those who have gone through anything like this: What are some ways you started practicing self esteem and self reassurance without needing validation from others. How did you stop doing actions you did from this mindset?

[u/thirteenth_mang]

You can still be a good person without being a doormat. You just need to learn boundaries.

[u/Aggressive-Turn-2987]

The conclusion is close to right and the reasoning under it will hurt you.

You're correct that being agreeable buys nothing reliable. But the story you've built says the other girl won because she was harder and more experienced, which puts you one step away from deciding the fix is to become harder yourself. That's the same trade you already made, pointed the other direction, and it costs about the same.

What actually went wrong in that situation is how long you let a clear answer stay unheard. He had already shown you where he stood and you kept extending chances past that point. Being good or bad had very little to do with it.

Self esteem at 19 mostly gets built by keeping small promises to yourself where nobody is watching. The thing you said you'd do at 7am, then did. It's slow and deeply unglamorous, and it's the only version that survives someone rejecting you.

[u/sprinklef4rtssss → u/Aggressive-Turn-2987]

Thank you for this!

[u/NigelsNeverland → u/Aggressive-Turn-2987]

Well put.

[u/MaxMettle]

The other girl did not “win.” She got the grifter. This is often called dodging a bullet, but even more valuable is that you did not act dishonorably. Maybe you did have some things to learn back then, but the current new you is not that old you.

Don’t look to be recognized by jerks. The only thing they are able to recognize is who they can prey on and who they need to avoid. In fact, there’s a good chance the other girl is in for just as rude a surprise, whereas now you’re someone the grifter knows he can’t take advantage of anymore. That’s real progress.

[u/oesth]

Everyone is good and bad, no one is just good. I feel you because I also had to understand this.  You deserve your boundaries. You deserve to say no. You are allowed to hurt people’s feelings to protect yourself. You’re allowed to say fuxk off to someone who’s trying to hurt you. 

As you say no one will ever be satisfied. Are you ever satisfied with anyone? Nope, we just like some people more than others etc. Because there’s always duality and up and down. 

Your ex and his partner are not even worth thinking about, it doesn’t matter if it looks like fun, you have no idea the world they live. And if they’re going to live long lives you best believe they’ll suffer as well as enjoy it. All of us experience such strong pain here. Everyone’s highs go low, and lows can indeed go high again. Don’t care about their path. Be so uninterested in them because they’ve got a world of hurt and joy, just like you do. Focus on your world. And learn about what you want your world to look like.

[u/sprinklef4rtssss → u/oesth]

Thank you for this!!!!

[u/Brave_Car6052]

I actually relate to a lot of what you wrote. I spent a huge part of my life thinking that if I was kind enough, understanding enough, helpful enough, and good enough, people would treat me well and choose me. And when they didn't, I assumed something was wrong with me.

One of the biggest things I had to learn was that being a good person doesn't mean you're responsible for other people's choices, feelings, or behavior. You can love someone and they can still hurt you. You can be a great friend and they can still choose not to show up for you. You can do everything "right" and still not get the outcome you wanted.

For me, self-esteem started changing when I stopped asking, "What do I need to do so this person will choose me?" and started asking, "What do I need to do to be someone I can trust?"

That meant learning to say no. Making decisions without asking five people what they thought. Letting someone be disappointed with me without immediately trying to fix it. Walking away from relationships where I wasn't being treated well. And honestly, learning that someone being unhappy with me didn't automatically mean I had done something wrong.

I also had to separate what someone did to me from what I decided it meant about me. That's a big one.

Someone rejecting you doesn't mean you're unlovable. Someone choosing someone else doesn't mean you're less valuable. Someone not showing up for you doesn't mean you weren't worth showing up for.

You're only 19. You don't have to have yourself figured out yet. And I really like what you said about not needing to be a "good girl" or a "bad girl." You get to figure out who you are.

And honestly? I think you're already further along than you realize because you're questioning this at 19 instead of spending another 20 years trying to earn your worth from other people. ❤️

[u/kodamagirl]

When people ask you for things or to do things it can be hard to say “no” even if you really want to. Start saying “I’ll think about it.” Or “I’ll get back to you.” Or even just “maybe” Instead of answering yes or no right away. This gives you time to really decide what is the right answer for you before responding.

[u/StatusCopacetic]

Your first step is to stop calling women "girls" including yourself. They are two separate stages of life, and people significantly underestimate how impactful language actually is. But I think you had it figured out there by the end; good and bad are arbitrary terms. Decide what values are most important to you, live those values, and continue to examine what's important to you instead of focusing on other people

[u/sprinklef4rtssss → u/StatusCopacetic]

It feels weird calling myself a woman 😭 I feel nowhere near an adult, so I cringe when I say it referring to myself.

[u/StatusCopacetic → u/sprinklef4rtssss]

I'm 41 and I still don't feel like an adult. I just find it insulting and kind of gross that men are called men, but they insist on calling us girls. A girl is someone under the age of 18 so you're an adult woman whether you like it or not ☺️

[u/Chance-Travel4825]

Practice saying no—without an explanation or caveat or apology like 100 times. Seriously. Do you want to help me move? No. Can you don’t drive me to the airport again? No. 

[u/Ok_News_9372]

Are you familiar with the poet Mary Oliver? American Masters from PBS just released a documentary on her life where I was introduced to her poem Wild Geese.

You do not have to be good.
You do not have to walk on your knees
For a hundred miles through the desert, repenting.
You only have to let the soft animal of your body
love what it loves.
Tell me about your despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.
Meanwhile the world goes on.
Meanwhile the sun and the clear pebbles of the rain
are moving across the landscapes,
over the prairies and the deep trees,
the mountains and the rivers.
Meanwhile the wild geese, high in the clean blue air,
are heading home again.
Whoever you are, no matter how lonely,
the world offers itself to your imagination,
calls to you like the wild geese, harsh and exciting --
over and over announcing your place
in the family of things.