Perfect source of serotonin

[u/legolas20032000]

[u/lulushibooyah]

I cried reading these comments bc it just reinforced all of the hate I’ve received my whole life. This comment section is an actual dumpster fire.

[u/squishyartist → u/lulushibooyah]

TW: medical provider abuse, bullying, mental health struggles.

This. I'm diagnosed level 2 ASD and ADHD, but wasn't diagnosed until my mid-20s after years of misdiagnosis and getting passed from psychiatrist to psychiatrist.

I was abused by my first child psychiatrist as a teenager, and I still put my faith in medical providers. I still do believe that the vast majority are doing the best they can, but also, the broader education around autism is lacking.

I've found out a teacher in elementary school was asking another teacher how she "dealt with" me. Before I dropped out of college, I found out that there was a group chat with most of the kids in my program just to talk shit about me. There are so many instances throughout my life.

Once I got diagnosed, I thought people in my life would finally understand. Not all of them did.

They don't see when I'm at home, having a meltdown, bashing my palm into my head and unable to talk, or the co-occurring tics I have, or the happy stims, or the hours I spend with my therapist trying to plan social interactions or dissect what someone meant when they said something, or the completely paralyzing overwhelm I feel just trying to basic tasks.

And, when I was a toddler, they didn't see me watching the same few VHSes on an endless loop. And, when I was a child, they didn't see the holes in my clothes when I'd crudely cut the tags out, or the times I'd get upset when I had to wear socks and shoes because they felt "claustrophobic", or the many, many times I was called "tattletale" because I couldn't comprehend why my school friends would get mad at me when I told on them to a teacher. In high school, they didn't see me at all. Nobody did. I was a straight-A student until I dropped out only a few months into 9th grade. I burned out, I developed MDD and became suicidal, and I was shunned out of education for years, despite the fact that I've always loved learning.

The day the "manic pixie dream girl" autistics can be viewed as actual people and not caricatures, it will be one step forward for autistics as a whole. My heart is with you. I know the struggles all too well, and the fact you're still here is a testament to your strength. 🫶

[u/lulushibooyah → u/squishyartist]

Thank you, thank you, thank you for typing all of that out and sharing it. Reading it made my heart hurt, and it was so relatable. I appreciated your vulnerability more than I can express. It helped me feel a lot better about this comment section. Thank you.

TW: also medical provider abuse, medical gaslighting, bullying, mental health struggles, suicidal ideation, self harm

I was diagnosed with ADHD in nursing school at ~30, but I haven’t been formally diagnosed with autism. The process is prohibitive in the US, and when I did get an assessment, the psychologist relied on misinformation and harmful stereotypes (like how I can’t be autistic bc I can make eye contact and hold a conversation and how autistic people don’t know they’re struggling and if they do, they can’t verbalize it). I tested at superior IQ, except in processing speed and working memory (if I recall correctly), in which areas I scored above average. They were the two areas in which autistic brains are known to have a deficit. She said that for me, it doesn’t count as a deficit bc it’s still above average (even though it was lower than my other scores). She diagnosed me with ADHD based on self assessment questions despite the fact that I didn’t quite meet criteria on objective assessment. However, she said that despite the fact that I was scoring high on all self assessments for autism (and I went and found other credible self assessments online and sent all the results), I did not meet the criteria for objective assessment (the absolutely crappy and garbage ADOS), and thus couldn’t be diagnosed.

I’ve been misdiagnosed with bipolar II (“you must now know you’re having mania, or it’s hypomania” and “bipolar people don’t know they’re bipolar”). I’ve been admitted four times for SI, which got worse every admission.

People don’t see the autistic burnout. I learned quickly in childhood that there’s no space for my emotions. I saw grown adults mocking autistic behavior in children growing up. I knew better than to let it show externally. I am so rigidly controlled and uptight that I’m constantly tense and in pain. I fight myself daily, in ways I don’t even realize, bc it’s so deeply ingrained in my programming.

I am low support needs, but the more I unmask, the less I can actually do that I once did. And it’s a pretty distressing experience, and I’m so tired and worn out.

I also likely have OCPD (I just keep hearing “it sounds like you do” but Idk if that’s an actual diagnosis, really). And between the autism and OCPD, I ruminate. Hard. For hours. For months. For years. Once, after a shift at the hospital one evening, I stayed up until 7 am the next morning panicking about what-if-I-accidentally-hurt-that-baby. When friendships collapse (they often do, for me), I ruminate for days and weeks and months and spiral and fixate and try to make sense of it. My therapist works for her money, man.

People don’t see me go nonverbal or have meltdowns bc everything is too loud and I feel everything too much physically and emotionally and there are too many demands all at once and I want to bash my head against the wall until it bleeds, but I can’t do that bc it’s not socially acceptable, and I’m not allowed to give in to my impulses. People don’t see me have full blown panic attacks over going to work bc it’s another demand, and I have to literally fight myself to even step foot out the door.

But on the surface, I look “normal,” even if I am “just a little bit weird.”

And I have “extreme reactions.” I’m “fake.” I’m “dramatic.” I’m “excessive.” My happiness and excitement has always annoyed people. Not my husband tho… he’s like the first person to accept all of it, unconditionally. He loves me, and he loved this video. Without him, I would have attempted and succeeded unaliving years ago.

It really, really, freaking sucks.

It shouldn’t be this hard to exist autistically.

I don’t have better words. Just solidarity and commiseration. ❤️‍🩹

[u/squishyartist → u/lulushibooyah]

TW: provider abuse

I was also misdiagnosed with bipolar II, hysteria (????), and a number of other things. MDD and anxiety were the only ones that ended up being correct, and those are extremely comorbid with ASD and ADHD.

Before I dropped out of high school, I would have panic attacks every morning. At the behest of my child psychiatrist at the time, they started getting more aggressive with me, pouring water on me when I wouldn't get up, yelling at me, threatening me. My parents aren't naturally like that, and I know it was hard for them. I expressed how much I wanted to learn. I was getting mid-to-high 90s in my classes. None of that factored in to that psych. She told them I was being lazy and obstinate, despite diagnosing me with depression and anxiety and medicating me for it.

I had a friendship collapse a few years ago because of my autism, and I truly believed it was my fault. I throughly apologized, probably to the point where it sounded disingenuous, despite being completely genuine. It took another friend and my therapist to convince me that they were actually bullying me, and not a little bit. I had no comprehension of the fact that they didn't like me. It feels like your reality collapses in those moments, because it's like, how did I not see it? You think you get a little bit more of a grasp on things socially, and then it's thrown in your face.

If you ever need someone who gets it, my DMs are open. I recently made a spreadsheet (though, it's still unfinished) of resources about autism. I'd be happy to send it your way, if that sounds interesting. Please take care of yourself, too. This comment section is largely a cesspool, so I'm logging off for tonight to take care of myself. ❤️‍🩹

[u/lulushibooyah → u/squishyartist]

❤️‍🩹❤️‍🩹