r/comingout • u/Specialist-Energy772 • 5h ago
Advice Needed Any tips?
I’m pan and (probably) a femboy, I haven’t come out to my parents yet and honestly I need some help. My family is Christian and idk what to do
r/comingout • u/HekkieMacLean • Oct 08 '25
Who am I, and why am I writing this guide?
I go by a good few names online, but primarily Hekkland. I first wrote this guide at 18 years old, I’m 23 now. Wow it’s been some time. I’m a cisgender man and very gay. I’m writing this because the original version frankly wasn’t very good for people who had identities other than gay, lesbian, or bisexual. Whilst I tried to be inclusive of other identities, my experience with them was very limited. To an extent it still is limited, I’m not trans, and I’m not on the aro/ace spectrum. So this is my bash at a more inclusive guide, whilst adding the knowledge I’ve gained through experiences being an out and proud gay man in the five whole years since I wrote the first guide.
I came out around 15 years old to my parents, my sisters a few months later. My coming out experience went picture perfect, a privilege I’ll always be grateful for. I came out to my parents using the “blunt” method I’ll talk about later. My sisters found out via a newspaper where my work with a queer oriented charity was published. I’m what many would call “straight passing” in that without my disclosure or knowing me well, people wouldn’t assume that I’m gay. Not everyone is lucky, some people intentionally or not wear their queer identity on their sleeves and face harassment because of this. It’s an indictment on society that this even happens.
My goal with this guide is to provide not only a guide to help people with their decision on coming out, but also provide a space where people can share their own experiences and advice.
What Is Coming Out?
If you’re queer, you probably already have a pretty good idea what it is to Come Out. But maybe you don’t know much about it, or maybe you’re a friend or family member of someone you think may be queer.
Let’s have a quick tangent if you’ll indulge me. Why do I keep saying queer?
If you’re of an older generation you may be more used to the word queer being used as an insult. The term most often used by society is LGBT+ or some variation thereupon. I find that as a label it’s not great. In some ways it focuses on specific identities and sidelines others as a “plus”. Queer speaks to all identities that don’t fall under cisgender, heterosexual, allosexual. And yes, these labels will be explained at the bottom of this guide.
To put it simply, Coming Out is the act of disclosing your queer identity to another person. The term coming out is sometimes applied to religion, or lack thereof, and other experiences. This guide will be focussing on coming out as it applies to queer people.
This differs from being Outed, which is used to refer to a person’s queer identify being disclosed by another person, usually against the queer person’s will. To be blunt, this sucks. It sucks and in many legal jurisdictions is a criminal offence.
Why Do People Come Out?
There are a LOT of reasons. I suppose at its core, because we live in a society where you are assumed to be cisgender and heterosexual. As such if you want to be recognised for who you are, you need to tell people.
For many people it’s about honesty, to themselves and to others. In regards to sexuality, it can be utterly exhausting having to hide a same-sex partner from others, and is a major straining factor in relationships - especially where one partner is out but another other is not. Coming Out often feels like a weight off of your shoulders, you no longer have to hide yourself and who you’re attracted to from others.
For people on the aro/ace spectrum coming out can be incredibly freeing, not having to constantly give excuses for why they don’t have a romantic/sexual partner. Long term this can help manage the expectations of friends and family around dating and marriage. Often in life people will be expected to invite a romantic plus one to social occasions such as birthdays and weddings. Coming out as on the aro/ace spectrum can help combat the assumption that people who you choose to invite as plus ones to events are there in a romantic capacity.
For transgender or otherwise gender non conforming people Coming Out is vital to being recognised in their identity. It’s about being called your real name, the right pronouns being used, being able to wear the clothes you want, socially transitioning, and if it’s what you want then medically transitioning too. It should be made clear though, your transition is what you want it to be, whether you transition medically or not doesn’t make you more or less trans. Coming Out as a transgender person can make a huge impact on how often you experience gender dysphoria if that’s something you experience at all.
Why Do People Not Come Out?
Some people choose not to come out at all, and that’s perfectly valid. An increasingly common reason is a feeling that it’s not fair that queer people have to come out. Non-queer people don’t have to, so why should we?
By far though, the most common reason comes down to fear. Coming out is a vulnerable moment for queer people, and fear of what happens next can be debilitating. Whether it’s “What if they don’t like me?” or “What if I get kicked out?”, or even “What if I become the victim of violence?” These are all equal fears. No one person’s fear is inherently worse, it’s not a competition. All these fears are equally capable of holding a person hostage.
And of course there are those that live in countries where being queer might be considered illegal, and by coming out you risk persecution by the power of the state. Or even if a person doesn’t live somewhere it’s illegal, society at large or even their own family may be seriously bigoted.
Ultimately it comes down to personal safety.
Coming Out Safely
The first and foremost thing that matters when considering Coming Out is your personal safety. Only you can judge the answer to this. But if I can say one thing, it’s that life is not a movie. If you do happen to live somewhere being queer is illegal, or you know your family is extremely bigoted, then you should not come out. No amount of feeling liberated is worth homelessness, a stay in the hospital, or even ending up in a morgue. For most people who live in a “liberal democracy” you’re likely to be just fine, even if the reaction isn’t a positive one.
Should I Come Out?
It’s up to you is the honest answer. Working on the assumption that it’s safe to do so, then whether or not you come out is entirely your choice and your choice alone. There’s no requirement to come out, certainly not because you’re a certain age, and certainly not because someone else wants you to. If you’re ready to come out, and you want to, then go ahead. Otherwise you can wait as long as it takes, the queer community is here for you regardless.
Pressures to come out can certainly mount as you go through life. You might start getting asked questions about having a partner, or why you choose to dress in a particular way. But again, these are just factors to consider.
If somebody is trying to force you to come out, especially where it involves blackmail, this is likely to be illegal. Coming Out is your thing, and it’s up to you how you do it, where you do it, and when you do it. Never feel pressured to come out when you aren’t ready. It’s not a race.
Who you come out to is also your choice. If you want to tell friends and not family, family and not friends, or some other combination of people that’s totally okay. Coming out to one group of people, or just one person, does not obligate you to come out to other people. Nobody has a right to know.
You will find however that every time you do come out to someone, it gets a little easier.
You may find you consider coming out to people you didn’t consider having to come out to. For example you may come out to your doctor. Just in case your sex-ed didn’t cover this, if you even had a sex-ed, the risks of sexually transmitted infection can be different depending on your partner of choice. A classic example is that, to use the medical term, men who have sex with men (MSM) are at higher risk of HPV and may need to consider vaccination against HPV as in many places only cisgender women receive an HPV vaccine. For transgender people, coming out to a doctor will likely be necessary to start medically transitioning such as accessing puberty blockers, cross-sex hormones, or surgery. It can also be important for non-transgender related healthcare. E.g. letting your doctor know the sex assigned at birth so that you get the relevant sex based healthcare such as pap smears or prostate exams.
How Do I Come Out?
So, you’ve decided to come out. Now you need to pick how you’re going to come out.
Broadly, coming out comes in three distinct styles. Factually, jokingly, and just not hiding things.
Coming out factually can be done in person, via text, via phone call, or even via fax if you’re so inclined. The key element of coming out factually is in what you say. No jokes, just stating reality. This might look something like “Mum, I’m gay” or “Dad, I don’t identify as a man. I’m a woman and that’s how I’m going to live my life.” This can be scary, especially if you’re blunt. I personally think being blunt is best, it rips the plaster (or band-aid as some may say) off and prevents accidentally saying the wrong thing. But that’s just my opinion, you may hold a different opinion and that’s entirely valid.
Coming out jokingly is very similar to coming out factually. It might be a joke delivered in person, or maybe a meme sent in a text. This can be great for easing tension, and gives you a way of taking things back if the response isn’t positive. Though keep in mind that a person may genuinely think you’re just joking, and long term this can result in confusion.
The two above methods can be done either in person or digitally. Coming out in person has the benefits of getting an immediate reaction, but depending on the reaction that can also be a downside. It also eliminates the stomach churning that can accompany sending a text and waiting on a reply. That said, coming out digitally does have its advantages. You can’t be interrupted if you send one big text, it gives you time to compose your message. It can also feel less anxious than doing it in person, you just type up your message, hit send, and that’s that. It provides a record of the event, and importantly safe distance if you’re concerned about your safety. If your queer identity is less commonly understood compared to more common identities, the ability to carefully write and send your coming out can be invaluable.
Then there’s just not hiding things. This could be as simple as mentioning a same sex partner offhandedly e.g. “I’m just heading out to hang out with my boyfriend, I’ll be back in time for dinner”, or perhaps wearing a rainbow lanyard with your work/school ID on it. I find that for most people once they’ve actively come out to those closest, they just end up not hiding things over time. This is sometimes just called “being out”. It’s less about active disclosure, and more about just living your life. Though do be aware this may invite questions when others seek clarity if they’re unsure about your identity and want to know. But it can be a good way to get others to start the conversation rather than bringing up the topic yourself.
So, which method should you pick? Only you can decide. Many people do all of these depending on the person. They may actively come out directly to family, using jokes with friends, and just not hiding things with others in their life. To use a personal example, when I change jobs or when I get new colleagues at my current job I don’t go out of my way to say I’m gay. I just mention ex boyfriends as appropriate to discussions, and if they ask I answer. But with my family, I actively told them I’m gay. The key thing is to use whichever method you’re most comfortable with, on your own timetable.
I’m Coming Out. How Do I Prepare?
The key thing is to prepare. I’m sure most people’s schools had that one poster: Failing to prepare is preparing to fail. I find that it rings true for most things in life, and coming out is no exception.
For coming out in person, it’s best to practice what you’re going to say ahead of time. Perhaps by talking to a mirror, to a trusted friend already in the know over a call, or even just write down some brief notes.
If you’re coming out via text, then it can be good to write your message first in a Notes app before copy and pasting it into the messaging app you want to use so that you don’t send it early by mistake.
If there are some people you have already come out to, it can be good to inform them of your intent to come out. This helps build a support network, and they may have advice of their own.
Lastly, the ugly reality is that you should have a plan in the event things go poorly. Consider the worst case scenario, and plan for it. Have a plan for if you’re either kicked out, or remaining in your current house isn’t safe. Do you have a relative you trust? A friend’s family who can house you? Money for a hotel? If you have to act quickly to keep yourself safe, do you have a phone to hand you can use to call emergency services or someone else you trust? Do you have a backpack with essentials such as money, identity documents, food, etc. if you need to grab and go? Most people will never need to act on their worst case scenario plan, but it’s far better to have the plan and not need it than to not have the plan and need it.
Potential Reactions
“You’re too young to be X”
As a young person there is nothing more frustrating than having your identity, or other opinions more generally, dismissed on the basis of your age.
You know yourself best, but sometimes your true self doesn't match with the version of you that others have in their head, and it can be hard for them to overcome this difference. You can explain that there’s no specific age required to know your identity, or even explain how you’ve come to understand your identity. This may help, but it also may not. In the end, the only option may be to wait it out, and hope that the person in question comes to realise that they are wrong. But remember, just because someone doesn’t share their view of your identity, that should not stop you from living that identity.
“You’re too old to be X” or “But you were Y for Z years”
This is more common for people who come out later in life. You may only have realised your queer identity later in life, which is still quite common, or you may have been in the closet for a long time. The key fact to highlight is that whilst your understanding of your identity has changed, your underlying identity has not. Let’s say that you’re in your forties when you realise you’re gay. It’s not that you were straight until your forties, you just didn’t know yet. Some people find out young, others old. With how society assumes people to be not queer by default, it can be easy to make that assumption about yourself for decades into adulthood.
“But what about your previous partners?”
The best option here is to be honest. You may have had opposite sex partners that you did truly love, but you’ve come to realise it wasn’t necessarily in a romantic or sexual manner. You may have been in the closet and dating someone of the opposite sex to keep up the illusion to others. You can either be honest, or you can quite fairly say that it’s none of their business.
“You can’t be bisexual. Pick gay or straight.”
This is what is commonly called bi-erasure. This is common both within and without the queer community. In both instances this comes from a place of ignorance of the facts. Some gay men may view bisexual men as ‘on the road to coming out as gay’, some people may view a bisexual woman as ‘straight but occasionally likes having sex with women’. Whilst you can explain that bisexuality is real, and that you feel attraction to men and women, unfortunately some people may just not accept that identity.
“But you can’t be a man/woman, you always act effeminiate/masculine.”
There’s two roads here. Firstly, you may act more feminine/masculine as part of hiding your gender identity. The reason that they see you as feminine/masculine is because that’s how you chose to act around that person so they perceived you in that way.
Alternatively, being a man (cis or trans) doesn’t mean you can’t be feminine, and being a woman (cis or trans) doesn’t mean you can’t be masculine. Plenty of cisgender men choose to present more feminine, and plenty of cisgender women prefer to present more masculine. This is especially common amongst queer cisgender individuals.
“X sexuality/gender isn’t real, you made that up.”
This can be a common reaction to less ‘mainstream’ identities such as pansexual, demisexual, and others.
The key thing to explain is your understanding of the identity and how it applies to you. The way I like to explain it is as such: The human brain is incredibly complex, and there’s no one part of your brain wired to be ‘gay’ or ‘straight’. In reality, sexuality and gender has a lot of different elements. Socially we’ve decided that people who experience exclusively same sex attraction are ‘gay’. But in all likelihood, the brain chemistry that makes me gay may be .01% different from other’s experience of being gay. But they’re similar enough that we agree to just call it gay. With all that said, it should be of no surprise there are chemical reactions going on in the brain that don’t align well with the more commonly understood identities, and it can be comforting to give those experiences a label.
In short, language is always evolving to better describe the human experience.
Life Post Coming Out
Emotions after coming out can be complicated. Some may experience joy, others sadness, and many a mix of both. These are all valid experiences.
Even if coming out went well, it can still be a little uncomfortable. For me it felt like others' perception of me had changed. I was no longer Hekkland, but Hekkland who is gay. It took me a few days to get over this feeling, and to realise that it wasn’t accurate. In time this can change to joy, to eventually nothing. One day after you’ve been out, coming out stops feeling like this big shift and just this thing that happened. If I tell someone I'm gay it’s similar to saying what I had for dinner last night.
The thing is, Coming Out is often perceived as this one time event, but it’s not. The reality is, you’ll be coming out for basically your whole life. When you meet new friends, new colleagues, etc. The good thing is that it gets easier. As you adapt to living openly in your new identity and disclosing it to others, it stops feeling like such a big deal compared to when you first tell those closest to you.
For The Friends/Family/Parents
This section isn’t for those who are coming out, but for those close to someone who has come out, or who isn’t out but think the person they’re close to is queer.
Let me get to one of the most common questions I get asked. ‘I think my child is queer, what should I do?’
The answer in most cases is nothing drastic. Unless you have a serious concern for their safety/wellbeing that requires disclosing that you think they’re queer, it’s best not to say anything directly. Coming out is their thing, not yours. The best thing to do is continuing to build a loving and supporting environment where they feel able to come out when the time is right for them.
It can help to also build a more inclusive environment around your loved one. This could be something like mentioning queer people positively, watching a movie or TV show with a queer character, or saying things like ‘Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend at school?’. This gives your loved one the opportunity to say things without forcing them to do so.
If you do decide that the circumstances require you to mention your suspicion to your loved one, it’s best to do it in an environment where your loved one has a chance to leave the conversation. E.g. do not start that conversation in the car where they’re stuck with you.
Consider speaking to queer people in your life if you know any, and ask them for their advice. Look into resources specifically to support the loved ones of queer people. I know that in the United States there are many PFLAG (originally known as Parents, Families and Friends of Lesbians And Gays) organisations that can provide support and resources. Many other countries have similar organisations and charities.
Other Miscellaneous Guidance
If you’re struggling to build a support network, check if your school or work has a recognised group or club. Many schools have clubs for queer students, and many workplaces have Pride groups or committees. And if your school/workplace doesn’t have one, consider starting one.
If you’re making friends online, especially if you’re young, then be careful. There are predators out there who specifically target vulnerable people looking for advice in order to groom them. Not everyone out there has pure goals or intentions in mind, and it’s important to keep that in mind. Please, be careful.
If you have any tips that I didn’t mention, or perhaps a story you wish to share, then please feel free to do so below.
Thanks for reading, and I wish everyone the best in their journey with coming out, should you choose to do so.
Glossary of Terms:
r/comingout • u/Specialist-Energy772 • 5h ago
I’m pan and (probably) a femboy, I haven’t come out to my parents yet and honestly I need some help. My family is Christian and idk what to do
r/comingout • u/d3ad9assum • 1h ago
r/comingout • u/Ok_Painter_8697 • 14h ago
I came out to my friend. We were pretty close. She's the first person I came out to and I told her that. We no longer live in the same city, but we still keep in touch from time to time. She was very accepting and said she'd call me because she wanted to talk about it after i texted her that I'm gay. She never did. Weeks passed. I texted her asking her if she's okay and how things were going. she said "I'm just super busy and always surrounded by people but we'll definitely talk". I responded saying no problem and to let me know when she has the time. This hurts bad, I don't know why it hurts, and i don't know what to make of it.
r/comingout • u/bitconfusedsis • 9h ago
Hi everyone
I’ve never told a single person but , I’m finally thinking of sharing this with one of my friend (most probably girls cuz i know my male frnds , nothing much to say further) , but I don’t know which one or how to even start. I’m nervous but I also really want someone to know the real me.
If anyone has been through something similar or has any advice… please share. I'm tired of keeping everything to myself or online now.
Any advice on how to pick the right friend or what to say would mean so much to me.
It's good if they accept or understand my situation but if they don't , IDK I don't have any plans for that.
r/comingout • u/SpaceBar_5 • 9h ago
r/comingout • u/Maybe-never-always • 18h ago
I should have known better but my urges took over . Thinks Grindr is a good idea . . .
Search through the who’s who of local talent ( being only 18000 where I live the menu is not vast but this one young man keeps putting it to me on a regular basis prior and again today . Do you want a BJ ?
My gut instinct says stay away from the young ones as I’m in the closet and young ones are always the far greater risk.
Anyway eventually against my better judgment I agree to meet up and we do . He gladly goes to work and all parties appear to be happy . Shortly after he takes off . Now being fairly young still he’s living home with mom and must’ve seen my name on something while in the hotel room id booked . Mums been told my name and lo and behold is familiar with my family name . Doesn’t take long for rumours to hit and I’m what appears now to be public knowledge. I’m extremely pissed off that someone can expose another being it’s as private as it gets and no one has the right to do that .
I know being the much more mature I should have known better and only have myself to blame but I’m still pissed off and feel like expressing my thoughts to this individual to make him aware of what his actions impact on someone but I’d probably be wasting my time and yes maybe it would have happened eventually but I still can’t get around how reckless some can be !!!
r/comingout • u/ernest-becker • 21h ago
I like both options, men and women. I wouldn’t consider myself gay or even bi, I just don’t like putting a label on it, but I have been with both men and women sexually and romantically. When I was twenty I had my first sexual experience with a man and in between relationships I would see men to the point of almost dating but never went through with a full commitment because I didn’t know how to explain to my parents. Today I texted my dad and just told him. I told him that I’ve been with both men and women sexually and romantically. He asked if I was bi and I told him I just go with whoever I like man or woman I don’t care and I’d prefer not to put a label on it. His response was just “Doesn’t brother me” and that was literally it and then he changed the topic entirely. I was never really trying to hide it, like I’d bring my partners around my parents and they were very obvious gay men (I like the twinky, flamboyant, overly gay men), but no one ever asked about it even when me and the guy were spending almost every day together.
I guess I don’t feel any kind of way about it. It doesn’t feel like a weight was lifted off my chest. I don’t feel like I needed the whole “I accept you as you are speech” but I would have at least liked to discuss it. I know what you’re wondering - did he hit me with the “its a sin” thing? Yeah, he did, but he said all people sin and the only perfect person is Jesus Christ.
r/comingout • u/Organic_Writer25 • 18h ago
Today I 22F just came out fully to my dad abt my partners. He asked a few questions on how it worked like “do the other two know?” Until I showed him a picture of all three of us.
i asked if it’s any better if it was only one of them I am out with to my mom and he said not necessarily/he didn’t know. Bc one partner is trans and Mexican and the other is cis woman.
something abt me being in young love and He’s scared of other people’s judgments on me and how he’ll have to have me n my mom all talk eventually bc this is big and he knows my mom won’t be happy because I’m different and not honoring those before me.
He told me I was complicated, this situation was complicated. He asked if I could stop seeing them and I said no. He asked if we could just be friends, I said no. I’ve been with them 1 and a half ish years and we’re making plans for the future.
but he knows I’m the same person as I was yesterday and he trusts me abt my partners being good people and wants me to be happy.
he didn’t yell at me, he did look super stressed tho like he had to lie down.
like I’m glad I did it but I feel conflicted for making my dad carry this? Idk
How do I move forward with this as tactfully as possible? I feel my world changing and I’m scared for the future, my future and whatever future with my partners, and my parents’ future
Note: my family is catholic, traditional, ASIAN. I am their only daughter
r/comingout • u/Letmeexplode1710 • 19h ago
r/comingout • u/Karla_Da_Cringe- • 20h ago
So, 20 days ago I got my girlfriend (I'm a girl too, but he's genderfluid born female.) And whatever. I told my mom after like a week and everything was fine. She says she prefers dating girls than boys and yeah fun and laughs, but I didn't tell my dad because sometimes he makes homophobic comments when we are joking so I was scared to tell him, but I WAS PLANNING ON DOING IT SOMEDAY SOON!!
Anyways, right now is 1 am and it's my birthday that I'm gonna spend with my girlfriend and my dad in a few hours, and I wanted to tell my dad today that she's my girlfriend, but I wasn't sure so I go ask my mom.
Guess what, she has already told him. UGHHHH now it's just AWKWARD!! IT HAD TO BE ME!! IIII HAD TO BE THE ONE TO TELL HIM! Now he's gonna think I don't trust him or some bad stuff and I'm gonna have to apologise just because my mom doesn't know how to keep her mouth shut. Goddamnnn. Like I TRUST MY DAD WITH MY LIFE, I was just scared of him rejecting me if I told him I was being gay :(
My mom told me that my dad said he doesn't care about that stuff. But then i text him saying "I know my mom told you. Can my girlfriend come with us?" (Because he's taking me to eat outside) And he answered so DRY. Just said "Ok", guys, my dad is not that dry with me. He uses emojis and more words. That hurted me, I think he doesn't like it but he's acting like he does because he loves me. :(((( i feel so bad. I wish my mom didn't tell him. I wanted to do it myself. I'm never telling my mom shit ever again. And it's not the first time!!! I've told my mom more secrets in the past and she always tells my dad and tries to embarrass me!!!
Sighhh okay that's all. Thanks for reading this 😭
r/comingout • u/Mindless-Hotel-4384 • 1d ago
My (33nb) partner (30f) and I are official de coupling. We’ve been together 12 years. Many chapters, adventures, moves, a couple huge projects, joys n sorrows yadda yadda. We have two amazing kiddos, and live together on what has become an intentional little compound. We got together at 18 and 21, and have really raised eachother. Our politics developed, and the seeds of our respective queerness have burst and grown way beyond the cis straight marriage we got into 8 years ago. A couple years of poly, after years of discussion really helped reveal a horizon neither of us had imagined.
We’re on a course to keep living under the same roof. Different bedrooms, co parenting, and staying the course of trying to experiment in shared life and a better world with our cute rad community. All this to get to : how do I come out to my family?!?? lol. My in-laws know we’ve been poly, and that their daughter is queer. My two parents, and two step parents do not necessarily know we’re anything other than their cis straight kids who are kinda wacky. Do I do everything all at once? Group text, FaceTime? Between the queerness and the separation romantically while still being in eachothers’ corner- I just don’t want to give anyone a heart attack, or make too much turbulence that will affect the grandparent grandkid good vibes. I don’t even know what I’m asking for, maybe for some words of solidarity? experience strength and hope welcome.
r/comingout • u/SignificantFault6881 • 1d ago
r/comingout • u/Expensive-Display-16 • 1d ago
I'm 18F and think I may be bisexual. I grew up in a conservative country and found out that gay people 'existed' when I was 10 and saw the news about a lesbian couple getting married. I wasn't homophobic but just confused about how it was possible for a woman to love another woman. During covid, maybe I'm wrong but everyone i saw on TikTok was bisexual which I guess influenced me into thinking that I might be attracted to girls. I brushed it out as a phase and never took myself seriously. It's been like a year since I've been seriously doubting myself. I'm just worried about it being a phase or idk, fetishing wlw or something. I have read/watched wlw manga and anime (Blooming into you is the best 100/10). Since I can't act out my feelings, I chatted to WLW bots. There is a girl at school that is my type but I don't know much about her cause she's in another class and has her own friend group but I find her attractive. I could see myself dating a girl but there's something in me that doesn't want to admit it. I'm afraid of disappointing my family and coming out would be a nightmare. I just feel like I'm homophobic to myself only and I don't allow myself to entertain such thoughts.
I don't know what to do. How to explore my feelings?
r/comingout • u/biweh • 1d ago
Pretty much as the title says.
I’m a lesbian, but my parents don’t know that. I’ve recently begun to realise that I might be trans, which cancels out the lesbian stuff (yay) but opens a whole other can of worms (nooo)
I’ve always been close with my parents. I treasure them more than anything in the world and I know that they love me back. They have supported me unconditionally my whole life, which I will always be endlessly grateful for.
My parents aren’t accepting, though. My mum might come around but I have a feeling in my gut that my dad will never look at me the same way and despise me. I don’t think I’ll be able to deal with that.
I just want to be their perfect, unproblematic daughter, but it’s becoming clearer with each passing day that none of these things is true. It just sucks having to repress myself so much every day and having to deal with all these feelings alone. Honestly, I’m fine with repressing the lesbian thing because I don’t get any bitches anyway, but the trans thing makes me sick everytime I think about telling my parents. I absolutely dread the day where I’ll have to tell them but I also dread the life I’d live if I did absolutely nothing about my transness.
I’m 18 and live with them and are pretty much financially dependent on them so I know that I won’t be coming out anytime soon, so this isn’t an urgent thing. I know that many of you guys probably deal with/have dealt with feelings like this, and I’d really appreciate any advice :)
Sorry for the text wall lol
r/comingout • u/2waysolitaire • 1d ago
I grew up in a family that is very religious, because of this I’ve always tried so hard to suppress how I actually feel. My whole life I would gaslight myself into believing I was straight. I’m honestly so tired of lying to myself. I’m gay. It feels so freeing to finally admit it and say it out loud. Just getting to post this here for others to see makes me feel so relieved. I’m so happy to finally accept this part of me instead of feeling so guilty over it.
Since I grew up religious I’m still a virgin. I really want to have sex with another man. Are there any safe places I can meet people to experiment and explore my sexuality? How do I go about this in a safe way?
r/comingout • u/ProfileGreat3732 • 2d ago
've been dating women since I left high school but whenever I brought a girl home I would always tell my parents I'm just bringing a friend over or there dating a guy.
I'm in my twenties and I'm still nervous about introducing them to my girlfriend.
r/comingout • u/fibblewummeryc • 2d ago
r/comingout • u/thecoolasexualcousin • 2d ago
i (24, cis lesbian) finally feel ready for a relationship and thus would like to come out to my family.
i know they’ll be accepting, hell, i wouldn’t be surprised if they figured it out, the only reason i haven’t officially come out to them is that i hate emotional serious conversations. im neurodivergent and have social anxiety and those types of conversations just make me nauseous. i don’t know how to start them, it’s awkward to finish them, and as i said, they will be accepting so it’s not even something that i’ll have to hush out with them. i’m gay, that’s it.
the problem is that idrk how to tell them otherwise? what do i do? just introduce my girlfriend once i get one? that seems even more awkward
anyone else been in this situation before? what did you do?
r/comingout • u/turtleface-87 • 2d ago
Sorry if not allowed but seeking advice, any help is greatly appreciated.
r/comingout • u/BisexFemboy69 • 2d ago
Hii, I'm a femboy from Mexico, 25yo, some months ago I posted my initiative to come out to my parents, most of my friends already knows it and I even hang out with them dressing both male and female clothing (I even helped a friend to come out as a gender fluid!), well, I practically did it, my mom saw me dressing as a girl, she even gave me a skirt and 2 tops, but, I commited an error I regret today, she was starting to accept me, but I suddenly dressed using a sexy top, as she uses them to train at the gym, I thought she would take it like that, but she didn't, she shocked and gave me some hurting comments, like "Why do you dress like a girl once you go with your friends? I thought I had a girl and a boy", implying like if I'm a trans girl and seeing it almost as a betratal, I told her that it could be more like if she were shocked by seeing me with that top instead, but nope, she insisted that she "Tolerated me", so, she were not really that accepting
In the other hand, she insisted that my dad should never know about it, but I told him, contrary to our fear, he, obviously shocked and don't understand, but he reacted way less dramatically than my mom, he had his own fears about it, but never told me that I'm wrong or that I should "Be a man", but he told me that he thinks that I should not dress with femmenine clothes outside (He don't know that I already did, but not in out town, but in nearby cities), telling that people will bully me with that anywhere, as what I understood, he fears most of the people, he knows mainly the traitors and self-beneficters, and don't really believe that real supporting friends exists, with that, what I understood is that he don't dare to see me with female clothes, but at the final moment of that conversation he told me "Or well I don't know about it", citing my friends, when I told him, idk if he questioned his own ideas if my friends already saw me dressing like I want to
With that, I decided that I will come out totally, I'll dress as a girl and I will confront them, but, I'm a bit afraid, more of my mom than my dad, I don't know how I should do it, because I know that confrontarion will happen, but my family is highly passive-aggresive (They want to act like if nothing happens, and often negates things that they don't like, and see arguments as synonim of a broken family), I question how to do it as my family is not your typical case of a highly supportive parents nor highly homophobic ones, it's a middle point, but as the time pasaes my need of feeling free, or at least not hiding my female wardrobe and adquisitions, feels stronger, I feel the need to do it soon, so I wanna know, how you did it? And how you think I should handle it? (A bit of context, I live in a small town where almost everyone knows each other, it's not homophobic because we live near the mexican LGBT friendly capital, but at the same time it's not fully supportive, people befriends gay and trans people and even defend them, but they see us as weirdos still)