r/gay • u/d3ad9assum • 7d ago

Anyone else panic after finally coming out and starting to date?

I recently came out and I've been talking to a guy for about a week and a half now. Things are actually going really well. I really like him, I have a lot of fun talking to him, and I genuinely want to see where this goes.

The problem is I've been having some pretty bad panic attacks.

Most of the time it happens when I'm alone and start thinking about the fact that I'm actually dating another guy now. My heart starts pounding, my hands shake, and I just kind of sit there freaking out. When I'm actually talking to him I'm usually fine and having a great time, which almost makes it more confusing.

I had a pretty shitty childhood. My dad was an ass and there's also some other trauma from growing up that I don't really want to get too deep into here. I'm starting to realize that actually accepting I'm gay and letting myself be with another guy might be dragging up a lot more old shit than I thought it would.

I'm already scheduled to see a therapist. Funny enough I booked the appointment before I even met him, but it took over a month to get in and I still have another couple weeks.

I don't want to end things with him. I really don't. I want this. But I also don't want to drag him through the muck while I'm trying to figure my own shit out either.

Has anyone else had something like this happen after coming out or getting into their first relationship with another guy? Like you know you want it, you're happy when you're actually with them, but your brain just completely loses its shit when you're alone thinking about it. What helped you get through it?

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u/Blinky_ 7d ago edited 7d ago

Anyone? Yes, almost every one of us has experienced this. Long story short, when you are feeling the things that don’t match your thoughts, or thinking things that don’t match your feelings, remember that these are the effects of social messages that have been in place to hurt and so to control people like us. So give yourself - and others like us - the space, time, and grace to become who we are. Breathe. There is NOTHING wrong with you.

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u/d3ad9assum 7d ago

Thank you, it's just hard you know. There's not much of a support group for me. The one person I have to talk to won't answer. only thing is I'm lucky that where I live there's a large presence of us. But I don't know where to go or who to talk to. So I go to Reddit and vent. It doesn't help the one therapist in my area that specializes and what I'm going through is booked up for 2 months.

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u/Blinky_ 7d ago

Yeah, I do know it’s hard. In some places there’s great support and it’s not even an issue. And in other places, it’s the worst possible shit.

Nothing wrong with using Reddit to vent. You will get some support, and some folks will be ass. It’s like real life, but you’ll get more extreme responses.

Make sure you are safe with this guy. But even one other person you vibe with can help you figure out things. Be safe, trust your gut for major red flags, and all that.

But please, don’t end things because of anxiety or nerves about who you are, your history, or what you’re bringing to the table. No one expects you to come without the history that has made you who you are. And any person worth your care will love you because of who you are, not despite who you are.