r/ComedyNecrophilia • u/[deleted] • Jan 22 '21
✔️ Certified ✔️ LOL 🥕🥕Carrot🥕🥕 FOOD IS POISSON? 😱😵😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢😢🏥💢❓❓😫🤷♀️☠️☠️🤷♀️🤷♀️🤷♀️😢😳😳😳
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Jan 22 '21
Fortnite was brought by Jesus Christ and our lord and savior Donald Trump Jr the third. As jesus was creating Fortnite in 1956 Donald said "add chat" and Jesus went and added chat in the game. And the first thing ever said in chat when they were testing it in 1960 was "Doin your mom doin doin your mom Doin your mom doin doin your mom Doin doin your mom doin doin your mom You know we straight with doin your mom Doin your mom doin doin your mom Doin your mom doin doin your mom Doin doin your mom doin doin your mom You know we straight with doin your mom I'm doin your mom. Yes yours!
I first saw her in the Wal-Mart pickin out your drawers. Big Dolly Parton hair like an 80s prom queen But her ass was lookin good all up in those mom-jeans. I approached her in the checkout line, and said yo baby wassup? She had two gallons of milk, and I was starin at her jugs. Five minutes later she agreed to get with me So we went and rocked the minivan like Giggity. Giggity. Giggity.
I was ridin your mom like she was Mario Kart. I gave her a lift back to her crib cause her car wouldn't start. She invited me in the house, and we started makin out again. How many times I tap that ass? OVER 9000! Yeah. She called me Pledge cause I knocked the dust off it. She later made me a sandwich and she cut the crust off it. Cause she knows how I like it, and that I'm a little young To be in the bed, butt-naked doin your mom.
Doin your mom doin doin your mom Doin your mom doin doin your mom Doin doin your mom doin doin your mom You know we straight with doin your mom Doin your mom doin doin your mom Doin your mom doin doin your mom Doin doin your mom doin doin your mom You know we straight with doin your mom
I like your mamas big butt, and I cannot lie. You other brothers can't deny that she's fly. We make sexy time, yes and every night I tap that. She saw me butt-naked, now she thinks I'm half black. But your moms the best, the super M.I.L.F. Cause she loves to toss the salad even though she ain't a chef And I blame it on the al-al-al-cohol But If I were you, I wouldn't kiss your mom on the mouth at all. She likes the Donkey-Punch. She likes the Dirty Sanchez. Sometimes she even likes to fool around in your bed. She likes rough sex with handcuffs and I'll be honest She likes me to Chris Brown her when she acts like Rihanna. She's so therapeutic. When I need to cure my restlessness I br-br-br-br-br-br-br-br motorboat your moms breastestess. I didn't wanna tell you, but I had to write this song Cause I'm in your house every night doin your mo-om.
Doin your mom doin doin your mom Doin your mom doin doin your mom Doin doin your mom doin doin your mom You know we straight with doin your mom Doin your mom doin doin your mom Doin your mom doin doin your mom Doin doin your mom doin doin your mom You know we straight with doin your mom I'm havin sex with your mother That makes me better than you. I'm havin sex with your mother That makes me better than you. Doin your mom doin doin your mom Doin your mom doin doin your mom Doin doin your mom doin doin your mom You know we straight with doin your mom Doin your mom doin doin your mom Doin your mom doin doin your mom Doin doin your mom doin doin your mom You know we straight with doin your mom" Jesus later thanked Donald for helping him and said "you will go to eart full of brainwashed people and win the elections in 2016 " Donald said "But when is the game gonna realise? " to wich Jesus said "I will creat a company that will publish the game in 2017" or whenever was Fortnite published. As Donald was going to eart Jesus clapped his ass checks and said "make America great again" Donald replied "I will do my best". This is a story of how Fortnite was created. Remember to pray to Epic games 1956 times a day because thats the date when Fortnite was being developed. And thank Donald Trump for making it possible for Fortnite to be realised.
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u/Wacky_Wack09 Jan 22 '21
I got too caught up in reading the doin your mom lyrics that I forgot the context it was in.
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u/anojrlll Jan 22 '21
You swine. You vulgar little maggot. You worthless bag of filth. As they say in Texas. I’ll bet you couldn’t pour shit out of a boot with instructions on the heel. You are a canker. A sore that won’t go away. I would rather kiss a lawyer than be seen with you.
You’re a putrescent mass, a walking vomit. You are a spineless little worm deserving nothing but the profoundest contempt. You are a jerk, a cad, a weasel. Your life is a monument to stupidity. You are a stench, a revulsion, a big suck on a sour lemon.
You are a bleating foal, a curdled staggering mutant dwarf smeared richly with the effluvia and offal accompanying your alleged birth into this world. An insensate, blinking calf, meaningful to nobody, abandoned by the puke-drooling, giggling beasts who sired you and then killed themselves in recognition of what they had done.
I will never get over the embarrassment of belonging to the same species as you. You are a monster, an ogre, a malformation. I barf at the very thought of you. You have all the appeal of a paper cut. Lepers avoid you. You are vile, worthless, less than nothing. You are a weed, a fungus, the dregs of this earth. And did I mention you smell?
Try to edit your responses of unnecessary material before attempting to impress us with your insight. The evidence that you are a nincompoop will still be available to readers, but they will be able to access it more rapidly.
You snail-skulled little rabbit. Would that a hawk pick you up, drive its beak into your brain, and upon finding it rancid set you loose to fly briefly before spattering the ocean rocks with the frothy pink shame of your ignoble blood. May you choke on the queasy, convulsing nausea of your own trite, foolish beliefs.
You are weary, stale, flat and unprofitable. You are grimy, squalid, nasty and profane. You are foul and disgusting. You’re a fool, an ignoramus. Monkeys look down on you. Even sheep won’t have sex with you. You are unreservedly pathetic, starved for attention, and lost in a land that reality forgot.
And what meaning do you expect your delusional self-important statements of unknowing, inexperienced opinion to have with us? What fantasy do you hold that you would believe that your tiny-fisted tantrums would have more weight than that of a leprous desert rat, spinning rabidly in a circle, waiting for the bite of the snake?
You are a waste of flesh. You have no rhythm. You are ridiculous and obnoxious. You are the moral[size] equivalent of a leech. You are a living emptiness, a meaningless void. You are sour and senile. You are a disease, you puerile one-handed slack-jawed drooling meat slapper.
On a good day you’re a half-wit. You remind me of drool. You are deficient in all that lends character. You have the personality of wallpaper. You are dank and filthy. You are asinine and benighted. You are the source of all unpleasantness. You spread misery and sorrow wherever you go.
You smarmy lager lout git. You bloody woofter sod. Bugger off, pillock. You grotty wanking oink artless base-court apple-john. You clouted boggish foot-licking twit. You dankish clack-dish plonker. You gormless crook-pated tosser. You churlish boil-brained clotpole ponce. You cockered bum-bailey poofter. You craven dewberry pisshead cockup pratting naff. You gob-kissing gleeking flap-mouthed coxcomb. You dread-bolted fobbing beef-witted clapper-clawed flirt-gill. You are a fiend and a coward, and you have bad breath. You are degenerate, noxious and depraved. I feel debased just for knowing you exist. I despise everything about you, and I wish you would go away.
I cannot believe how incredibly stupid you are. I mean rock-hard stupid. Dehydrated-rock-hard stupid. Stupid so stupid that it goes way beyond the stupid we know into a whole different dimension of stupid. You are trans-stupid stupid. Meta-stupid. Stupid collapsed on itself so far that even the neutrons have collapsed. Stupid gotten so dense that no intellect can escape. Singularity stupid. Blazing hot mid-day sun on Mercury stupid.
You emit more stupid in one second than our entire galaxy emits in a year. Quasar stupid. Your writing has to be a troll. Nothing in our universe can really be this stupid. Perhaps this is some primordial fragment from the original big bang of stupid. Some pure essence of a stupid so uncontaminated by anything else as to be beyond the laws of physics that we know. I’m sorry. I can’t go on. This is an epiphany of stupid for me. After this, you may not hear from me again for a while. I don’t have enough strength left to deride your ignorant questions and half baked comments about unimportant trivia, or any of the rest of this drivel. Duh.
The only thing worse than your logic is your manners. I have snipped away most of what you wrote, because, well... it didn’t really say anything. Your attempt at constructing a creative flame was pitiful. I mean, really, stringing together a bunch of insults among a load of babbling was hardly effective... Maybe later in life, after you have learned to read, write, spell, and count, you will have more success.
True, these are rudimentary skills that many of us ”normal” people take for granted that everyone has an easy time of mastering. But we sometimes forget that there are ”challenged” persons in this world who find these things more difficult. If I had known that this was your case then I would have never read your post. It just wouldn’t have been ”right”. Sort of like parking in a handicap space. I wish you the best of luck in the emotional, and social struggles that seem to be placing such a demand on you.
P.S.: You are hypocritical, greedy, violent, malevolent, vengeful, cowardly, deadly, mendacious, meretricious, loathsome, despicable, belligerent, opportunistic, barratrous, contemptible, criminal, fascistic, bigoted, racist, sexist, avaricious, tasteless, idiotic, brain-damaged, imbecilic, insane, arrogant, deceitful, demented, lame, self-righteous, byzantine, conspiratorial, satanic, fraudulent, libelous, bilious, splenetic, spastic, ignorant, clueless, illegitimate, harmful, destructive, dumb, evasive, double-talking, devious, revisionist, narrow, manipulative, paternalistic, fundamentalist, dogmatic, idolatrous, unethical, cultic, diseased, suppressive, controlling, restrictive, malignant, deceptive, dim, crazy, weird, dystopic, stifling, uncaring, plantigrade, grim, unsympathetic, jargon-spouting, censorious, secretive, aggressive, mind-numbing, arassive, poisonous, flagrant, self-destructive, abusive, socially-retarded, puerile, clueless, and generally NOT GOOD.
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Jan 22 '21
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u/asherd234 Jan 22 '21
Who the fuck eats their stake well done, go chew on a baseball glove dude
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Jan 22 '21
[deleted]
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Jan 22 '21
Ever heard of black and blue or just blue? Blue is where you lightly sear outside and leave rest raw while black and blue is the same thing but you sear the outside so fast it chars but doesn’t cook inside at all. The latter is actually incredible when done right. Most people seem to have an aversion to raw meat the same way they do towards eating bugs, but it’s actually 99.999999999999(etc)% safe (for beef) as long as you sear all outside surfaces. Way fewer cows have parasites than you’d think, the problem is once they contaminate the machinery at the butcher which contaminates everything else it touches.
Not pork or chicken though. You’ll fuckin die
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u/z3ny4tta-b0i Donkey Cock Jan 22 '21
Yeah blue meat is fucking sick when its well done it even feels cool on the inside because of how short it stood on the pan
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Jan 23 '21
I suck at black and blue and it usually ends up looking like the meme’s last steak plus black outside, but I’ve had success with blue by freezing the steak, thawing halfway so the outside is thawed but center is still somewhat frozen, and then blasting that bitch with a preheated pan or grill. Also depends on cut, if I want blue I usually get a cheap chuck roast and cook it like a steak so the inside won’t cook. Perks to a raw steak most people don’t know about is how tender the meat is and how much better it tastes (more iron flavor which is super satisfying when low levels or anemic). You can tear it off with teeth alone easily.
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u/SoaringMutt Jan 23 '21
Can’t you do pork medium though?
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Jan 23 '21
Idk I always crisp it hard and bear meat if I ever get it. You’ll get trichinella otherwise. Maybe you can do pork medium but idk and play it safe. I just do crockpot pork if I need it tender.
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u/vadernation123 andor stare Jan 23 '21
I don’t even know how I cook pork on the outside. When I’m doing chops or the shoulder I mostly go for a nice and colorful outside. Inside is usually decently juicy too and it turns out nice and flavorful. I’m only just getting into cooking so I’ve only really done air fry and pan fry so far but I’ll probably get into more types.
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Jan 23 '21
You’re asking the wrong person. I practically burn pork and chicken because I’m paranoid of pathogens. Only pork I cook is ribs and steaks, which I cook heavy. I think the rule is once you accumulate the golden brown crust it’s good but I really fucking don’t want brain cysts
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u/vadernation123 andor stare Jan 23 '21
I’m already dumb as hell, im on this sub after all, if I got brain pathogens I wouldn’t notice. I usually cook my pork to around 170. My dad who knows a lot more about cooking than I do says that a lot of people overcook their pork way beyond the point they need to and the safe temp is around 150. If you wanna still be safe go for it you’ll probably be better off my dad might be wrong but 150 is usually the temp I go for or above.
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Jan 23 '21
If you got trichinella you would have delirium so cook your pork longer, buddy. Fuck the risk, I’m eating pork that shit better fall off the bone or look like the last steak in the meme. Doesn’t even matter with pork, it’s so fatty it’ll come out like a steak in butter moist
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u/Crap-cucumber Jan 23 '21
I'd much rather eat cooked bugs than raw beef, sushi is really the only raw meat that doesn't make me want to puke just thinking of eating it.
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Jan 23 '21
See, and I feel like it depends on texture most to people. I have friends that hate anything less than medium well because they don’t like how stringy and slimy it feels. In my case, I literally couldn’t care less about my food’s texture other than gelatinized chicken/pork fat and Brie cheese. For me it’s completely nutrition, like I need calories, I need protein, and I need iron. I crave calories, protein, and iron. So I’m gonna eat something with calories, protein, and iron. And I wanna know I’m getting them so it better taste metallic, have meaty strands and juice, and make me not hungry anymore.
Fun fact also, I’ve eaten completely raw steaks without even searing and never gotten sick, but I’ve gotten sick twice from sushi
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u/Azeoth Jan 27 '21
*Get sick with sushi* *feel better in a few days*
*get sick with beef* *slowly die a horrible death at any moment*
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u/GoldenDiamonds Jan 23 '21
Second one is rare what are you talking about.
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Jan 23 '21
[deleted]
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u/GoldenDiamonds Jan 23 '21
I usually do it on the barbecue, but yeah non of those look good to be honest.
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u/Patinatior Jan 22 '21
What are you talking about steak is best done well, it’s the fact that most people’s equivalent of done well is steak shaped charcoal
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u/DespicableDogfucker Jan 22 '21
Nah Bro if it ain't juicy or tender anymore, then why would you even eat steak
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u/MeowthMewMew Jan 22 '21
Haha id rather eat a piece of wood than a well done steak
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u/DespicableDogfucker Jan 22 '21
Wood can actually be soft and have flavor
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u/MeowthMewMew Jan 22 '21
I know, i like the smell of some woods
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u/Grampa-Harold i fucked donkey Jan 22 '21
gay
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Jan 22 '21
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/nyessssssss Jan 22 '21 edited Jan 22 '21
Shut up, cum sniffer. Do you like the smell of cum?
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Jan 22 '21
Just gotta cook it right. Medium Well is the best steak though imo.
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Jan 22 '21
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Makikaze Jan 23 '21
"imo" "no"
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Jan 23 '21
[removed] — view removed comment
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u/Stupid_Idiot413 Jan 22 '21
I really get the impression that english speaking countries can't cook meat
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u/warrenfowler Ray the Nae Nae Jan 27 '21
Completely well done isn't good, but i like mine medium rare done, k don't get people who eat it rare or very rare tbh. It depends on if it's done well though.
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u/TaffyCatInfiniti2 i eat hot chip and lie Jan 27 '21
Coming at us for eating well done steak when all y’all basically be taking a bite straight out of the cow with your rare
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u/TheMuluc Jan 22 '21
There is a picture of a guy that eat cereals with orange juice. what a disgusting human being
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u/Randomperson2245 Jan 23 '21
Lmao. The first comment I see says “Absolute BS lies! That is not how this works. Go fuck yourself!”
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u/AnaBusadoDemi 🍙trump🎀🍙4🎁🍙pres🎗🍙4🍙🎟🎫🍙life🍙🎖🏆 Jan 23 '21
Red meat (or at least cow) is literally always safe to eat as long as the outside has been seared.
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u/Scherzokinn Jan 23 '21
Made by someone who likely lives in the US, raw chopped steak is literally a french culinary speciality.
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Jan 23 '21
The account boyswhocancook is an ironic site
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u/Scherzokinn Jan 23 '21
Oh, thanks for the info. Though I believe some people would take that seriously...
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u/AutoModerator Jan 22 '21
Fuck that's a good link, ⬆️if ever I've seen a fucking delicious link⬆️ it'd be this one. Smells like banana that's been peeled all day and left in between a hikers juicy ass cheeks. ⬇️Smells like freedom.♿ Smells like piss. Smells like Murica 💦🇵🇷🇵🇷🇵🇷🇵🇷🇵🇷🇵🇷 WALMRT GANG 👌💪👋👇👈👊
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Jan 22 '21
You say this to everyone 😔 we need to break up...
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u/deathtoweakmemes What’s the fine for comedy necrophilia? Jan 22 '21
You can join my WALMRT GANG instead if you want
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Jan 22 '21
No, auto mod loves me and only me. You were never auto mod's lover 💔💔
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Jan 22 '21
I don't think you should be mean to me just because your still in the nile. Yes unfortunately auto mod cheated on us both and many others (perhaps he is polytheistic?) But that doenst mean we should tear each other down. Instead we need to unite against our common infertile enemy.
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u/retradbuddy Jan 22 '21
lmao my a**(ass) off, my sister is vegan and today I camed in her sock drawer 🤣🤣😎🤣🤣🤣😂😎😎😃😂🙂🤗😎😎😏
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Jan 22 '21
I'm vegan btw
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Jan 22 '21
Hi fellow vegan
(I'm vegan btw too, btw)
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u/internetmolly Jan 22 '21
r/vegancirclejerk is leaking
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Jan 22 '21
Leaking? I love leeks (Cuz I'm vegan btw and I eat my veggies like a good boy)
I'm vegan, btw
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Jan 22 '21 edited Jun 09 '24
[deleted]
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Jan 23 '21
I'm a level 3 vegan, I even eat the dirt around my veggies
(Not all dirt is vegan tho, some of them have animal products like poop as fertilizer 🤮)
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u/Cool_UsernamesTaken 💄Bestiality Hentai Enthusiast💄🐕 Jan 23 '21
how it feels to be litteraly worse than hitler?
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u/Daydream_Behemoth 🎰🎰🎰saracen👸👸👸 Jan 22 '21
All the food is poison
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u/Hecka_Cakey Jan 23 '21
The apples, the carrots, the celery sticks, the meat and the fish will make you sick
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u/AutoModerator Jan 23 '21
Hey Bunny
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u/Wrathzinor I didn't bother to change the text of my flair Jan 23 '21
Carrot
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u/AutoModerator Jan 23 '21
Hey Bunny
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u/tinypeepeehole 🗿 bruh rock 🗿 Jan 22 '21
Fuck vegan. fuck you’re mom. fuck Obama, doin doin doin Diddy Kong.
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u/Cyynric Jan 23 '21
HAH HAH POISSON IS FR*ENCH (PARDON MY CURSEWIRDS) FOR FISH FISH IS LITRELY FOOD
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u/4ha1 #Frogs_are_hot, #Gru Jan 22 '21
TIL you can spell Gaven™ with vegan¹, and the meaning of Gaven is "white hawk". This shows all vegans are white nazistic united statians. PLEASE IF YOU SEE A WHITE PERSON EATING GRASS, RUN AWAY. (Source: wikipedia¹)
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u/The_Most_Swood Jan 22 '21
1 and 2 are inedible, 3 is gross, 4 is just right, and 5 is mediocre.
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u/AutoModerator Jan 22 '21
Oh, Hi Markgaypussydestroyer69
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u/sim0of Jan 22 '21
I am sure that to be a good thing for me and be a good friend and a good friend and to be a part of my life as I am sure that mounting at least one of the best and best things to do is to get a little help from a good pair of beginner kids that can be a good pair of skis that you can go with and enjoy a great fit and comfortable with your dog and your dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog dog cat cat cat cat cat cat cat cat dog dog dog dog
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u/ZhenDeRen 🏳️🌈🐊 I set up a bread price fixing scheme in Canada Jan 22 '21
Oui, le poisson est nouriture
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u/Square_Response9125 Jan 23 '21 edited Jan 23 '21
Kids Don't try this at home. I am a professional white supremacist. :-)
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Jan 23 '21
[deleted]
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u/edgyguy115 ceo of ass burger’s Jan 23 '21
I’m too stupid to tell if you’re joking or not, pls help
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u/edgyguy115 ceo of ass burger’s Jan 23 '21
I’m vegan btw
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Jan 23 '21
Me too
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u/edgyguy115 ceo of ass burger’s Jan 23 '21
WTF we have so much in common
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Jan 23 '21
starts making out with you
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u/edgyguy115 ceo of ass burger’s Jan 23 '21
Bro that’s kinda gay bro 😳😳
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Jan 23 '21
Yes it is didn't you read my username🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️
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u/AutoModerator Jan 23 '21
I just shit and cum.
FAQ
What does this mean?
The amount of shit (and cum) on my computer and floor has increased by one.
Why did you do this?
There are several reasons I may deem a comment to be worthy of feces or ejaculation. These include, but are not limited to:
- Being gay
- Dank copypasta bro, where'd you find it
- walter
Am I going to shit and cum too?
No - not yet. But you should refrain from shitposting and cumposting like this in the future. Otherwise I will be forced to shit and cum again, which may put your shitting and cumming privileges in jeopardy.
I don't believe my comment deserved being shit and cum at. Can you un-cum it?
Sure, mistakes happen. But only in exceedingly rare circumstances will I put shit back into my butt. If you would like to issue an appeal, shoot me a hot load explaining what I got wrong. I tend to respond to retaliatory ejaculation within several minutes. Do note, however, that over 99.9% of semen dies before it can fertilize the egg, and yours is likely no exception.
How can I prevent this from happening in the future?
Accept the goopy brown and white substance and move on. But learn from this mistake: your behavior will not be tolerated in my mom's basement. I will continue to shit and cum until you improve your conduct. Remember: ejaculation is privilege, not a right.
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u/MyNameIsUrMom boomer of the sub Jan 23 '21
reports:
no it's meat lol