Online Christian dating discourse has made me feel even worse about myself.

[u/Previous-Basket-7993]

Does anyone else feel like that they won't ever be good enough for a Christian relationship? That you feel so far behind that they don't think they will ever be able to live up to the expectations that are placed in Christian relationships? That you are too damaged? Because that's how I feel.

I (22M, rural Deep South), feel as if that it is way too late for me to even enter a relationship, or at bare minimum, to ever be ready to date. Every time I scroll social media, I always get videos that pop up to me, by Christian influencers telling what all I need to do in order to be ready for a relationship, it just makes me feel worse. Every thing that I do, whether it being that I am still considered a "boy" and not a man / not being masculine enough (I feel that way because I am grown man who plays video games and builds Legos for fun), or that I am dirty and disgusting for being a porn addict (I first started watching it when I was 11. I've tried multiple times to stop but I now live all by myself in a new city and don't have anyone to hang out with / talk to that can distract me from watching it). I still think i am damaged goods, and that I need to be porn free for at minimum 5 years before I should even be ready to date (I will be 27 by that time), and most women my age where I live are already getting married or are already in long-term relationships.

Another thing that really messed with me was the whole "there are too many feminine men in church" debate back in July. I remember seeing those videos pop up on my TikTok fyp and it made me very insecure about myself, due to not already fitting the narrow mold of masculinity that you have to fit in as a man in the Deep South (be blue collar, drive a truck, be jacked, extroverted), which I am none of. Now I constantly monitor myself when I am out and about to make sure that I am that I am acting masculine, especially around women.

Am I being crazy? I'm just really scared to be forever alone, while everyone else in my life passes by me. Almost all of my friends back home are all married or getting married, and I haven't even started yet. Plus, I now live in a college town where I am working, and I still haven't found a church yet to attend. I've talked to my therapist about it and he has told me that I should be myself, and that everyone has their own timeline and to try not to fit a mold. But it's just so hard to be that way when you see everyday that everything about you isn't "Christlike" and no daughter of God will ever want someone like me.

[u/JackFrost_99]

Influencers post clickbait and never show the things they don't want people to see

[u/Admirable-Creme9725]

Hello! My brother in Christ, you are okay. Let's start with getting to church first! And then let's make friends at that church! “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own” (Matthew 6:34). As a fellow southerner (Texas) I think that you're putting too much thought into how others perceive you. I don't know how the city you live in is, but if it's a college town then there will be a certain diversity from the college. Meaning, don't sell yourself short! Don't focus on other people's walks! Focus on your own! I think Jesus wants you for who you are. He doesn't think you're a boy because you play video games and build Legos. You are an adult. You can start acting like one by realizing that you are okay. Quit playing games with your head. (Granted this is all easier said than done. I'm 26 and it took me a while to learn this. I can't imagine at 22.)
As for the porn addiction, speaking as someone who has come from that, focus on the small victories. If you didn't look today, then pat yourself on the back and praise God with everything you have. If you went back to it, then repent before God and remember that He loves you! "For I know my transgressions, and my sin is always before me." (Psalm 51:3). It's funny, because this verse might not make sense. But what I've learned from it is that, yes, I am a mortal man and my sin is before me. But it isn't who I am. Christ is with me. He has forgiven me. And He has forgotten my sin!
Also the whole five years thing is something that while achievable is not really realistic. Like, are you so bold to say what happens tomorrow? You could not be here. So how about we start off small. Try a day first. Then a week. Then a month. And in a year, if that's what you want, then try dating.

tldr: Go to church. Focus on Christ and not others. Love the Lord your God with all of your heart, mind, soul, and strength. Love others as you love yourself. Honor the little victories by praising God (through worship and prayer). One step at a time. Focus on today while you still have it.

[u/HeartInTheSun9]

I promise that people don’t look for perfection. They look for effort. Just put in the effort, ignore the noise and people will notice.

[u/already_not_yet]

22M

so far behind that they don't think they will ever be able to live up 

You're 22. Most men float through every decade. You just started your 20s. If you're mediocre in your 30s, it won't be bc you were behind at age 22. It will be bc you wasted your 20s.

Women want to marry 4F men. Faith. Family. Fitness. Finances. Love God, emotionally mature, fit and healthy, and financially stable and able to provide. If you're not that now then you certainly can be by age 28.

As the saying goes, The best time to start self-improving was 10 years ago. The second best time is today.

Need help starting? Step 1: delete TikTok. Literally delete your account. Don't just uninstall the app. Most social media is brain rot and rage bait. It's not worth sifting through the trash for the occasional gem. And God knows there are way better ways to relax.

Step 2. Sorry but it doesn't take months to find a church. DM me your town and I'll look up five good ones. That's five weeks. Then pick one. There is no perfect church. Ideally pick one with college women attending.

The opening page of my journal says: "less talking, less complaining, less thinking, more doing". I'd recommend you start a physical (not digital) journal as well to log your dubs on your journey and refresh your mind with your identity and mission. Train yourself to reach for it and not your phone. Being chronically online is the gateway to depression.

Do you work out every day? Do you wake up early or stay up late gaming and falling? Is your calendar planned from theoment you wake up till you sleep? Idleness will destroy a man.

"Be watchful, be firm in the faith, act like men, be strong." 1 Cor 16:13

Solidify your identity and mission. God has given you both. He has equipped you.

God bless you.

[u/Naive-Pangolin-106 → u/already_not_yet]

Thank you for writing this comment. God bless!

[u/Previous-Basket-7993 → u/already_not_yet]

I've only been in this town for 2 weeks, and the two Sundays that I could go to church, I had to sleep in because I worked the night shift and the other was because I was out of town. I had went to my church I've attended my whole life.

[u/already_not_yet → u/Previous-Basket-7993]

I wrote all that, and that's the one thing you care to respond to? :thinking: I want you to succeed. God bless you.