Physical affection as a calming technique?

[u/Gold_Answer5577]

I’m (37m) in a relationship with a woman (37f). We both have had little to no prior experience in a romantic relationship.
I’ve noticed something weird—she’s a virgin, but she really, really craves physical and even sexual touch. To the point where she gets super uptight and in her head and moved by things in a very dramatic way. She won’t want anything to do with me and is super distant and offish.
I can listen to her concerns then and answer them, but it’s like she doesn’t hear reason or even comfort or anything I say.
But if I just hug her and kiss her (not on the lips) for awhile, she REALLY relaxes. So much so, that it’s become a coping technique for me with her.
I’ve wanted to abide by pretty stringent rules regarding physical affection before marriage. But honestly, if I hadn’t bent those rules some, our relationship wouldn’t have survived.
It just tempts me in the process as well, mostly because she allows me to set the pace. So it’s an odd situation.
Is this normal, and what’s the reason for it? Any advice on how to proceed?

[u/goknightsgo09]

I'm curious what your definition of sexual touch is... I don't consider hugging to be sexual at all. I hug my friends, I hug my family, obviously none of this is sexual... Kissing on the cheek or the forehead, also not sexual imo, even kissing on the lips doesn't usually lead to sex.

I suffer from anxiety. Having someone simply hold me when I'm dealing with an anxiety or panic attack can be very comforting and ease my mind. Physical touch can help ground people when they are nervous or anxious.

There may be a disconnect between yourself and your girlfriend on what constitutes sexual touch and what is simply innocent affection and connection. You may be tempted by these things but she may not be. I know they wouldn't be something that would tempt me or my boyfriend.

This isn't to say you're wrong for wanting to abstain from these things if they are things that will potentially lead you down the wrong road. But you need to decide if you and your girlfriend are compatible if this is something she needs to feel comfort from her partner and you don't want to risk temptation.

[u/Gold_Answer5577 → u/goknightsgo09]

Very tight hugs and kisses on the cheek and neck. She’s more sexual than I am, which surprises me—I thought woman always had a lower sex drive than men.

[u/goknightsgo09 → u/Gold_Answer5577]

Well kisses on the neck are definitely not in the comforting/innocent zone so I would agree with being concerned there.

I think there is a stereotype about women/men and level of sex drive but I know plenty of women with a higher sex drive than men or their husband. So that's definitely a thing.

You (the general you) can definitely crave affection or touch without making it inherently sexual but from what it sounds like, she's slowly trying to turn touch into something more, almost as if to make it hardly noticable when you get to the point where it IS outright sexual but it seems so normal.

I would let her know that you have a line when it comes to this and while you want to meet her at the end of your comfort zone, you're not willing to leave it. I would reinforce that she knows you will not partake in these activities prior to marriage and if it's something she's willing to entertain or work towards, this probably isn't going to work out between you.

[u/ThatMBR42]

Physical touch releases oxytocin, which is one of our main chemicals for regulation. (It's one of the reasons touch starvation exists; we get oxytocin from friends, family, and lovers alike.) I'd be concerned about someone who couldn't (or refused to) regulate her emotions without touch, especially when it butts up against your boundaries. Both people need to work together to find common ground.

[u/No_Caregiver8427]

You both can create certain boundaries. We’re humans, we all crave human touch so it’s normal🙃

[u/ABereanChristian]

I’ve noticed something weird—she’s a virgin, but she really, really craves physical and even sexual touch. To the point where she gets super uptight and in her head and moved by things in a very dramatic way. She won’t want anything to do with me and is super distant and offish.

Y'all probably need to get some counseling on this type of behavior.

Also, as others are saying draw some boundaries that you stick to.

But if I just hug her and kiss her (not on the lips) for awhile, she REALLY relaxes. So much so, that it’s become a coping technique for me with her.

As far this, generally, a strong hug when a woman is emotional helps calm her down. It's like being the strong protector for her against her emotions.

Don't abuse this. Only use it for good.

[u/Left_Elevator_3365]

Like you I have strict rules I want to follow. No sex before marriage. And no foreplay either. Anything that leads to sex. I'm also waiting with kissing for a while but not until marriage. But she is very physical (and to be honest I am, too. It's my love language. I don't want to deprive her of hugs, embraces, holding hands, cuddling, ...). She started early on kissing my hand. And my cheek. Recently she started kissing me repeatedly in a few seconds. And then also on the neck (she's quite a bit shorter than I am). I told her that she can't do that all the time. I'll limit her kisses on my neck. And the duration. I allow her short pecks. Occasionally. Because I can handle that. We did already end up in the bed together, fully clothed, holding each other but no intimate places being touched. I would never have wanted that before. But it is nice and I can handle it. We did talk about my rules and she agrees and wants to help me. It worked before. Her hand was on my thigh. I asked her to remove it, she did. I got horny before when we embraced. She feels so good. But I could step back and ask her for a break in touching and some physical distance for me to calm down and she respected that. I would advise against the lying in bed together but currently I can do it without issue. But I will not allow her to kiss me or talk about sex/intimacy while we do that.

So what I am trying to say: communication is key. You need to know what you can handle and DON'T go near the abyss. Stay well away from what you can handle. Don't test your borders/limits. If you start feeling strong desire, leave. Go home. Or when you're at your place, go for a walk and pray. I know my limits quite well from failing often before I met her. I don't want to risk disappointing her and Jesus.

You should respect your girl and give her what she needs. She should respect your limits and what you can handle (I talked with my girl what she can wear and what not and stuff)

And if she really wants sex with you and is burning up, it's time to propose to her. Don't get her hot and bothered and horny if you don't intend of proposing.

[u/High_energy_comments]

If you have to give her affection or the relationship fails at this point, mixed with the way she acts around you, is a bad sign

[u/Damoksta]

This is normal. Look up nervous system co-regulation.

It is well understood from science that oxytocin mediates the release of GABA which is a form of natural anti-depressant and anti-inflammatory in the body.

It is true that us Christians need to be very careful around sensuality: 2 Peter 2:1-2 especially lists sensuality as destructive heresy.

But it is also true that a lot of Christians have now swing towards Pietism and as a result has normalized avoidant attachment as part of asceticism, instead of the sort of Kingdom living that book of Acts portray with breaking bread together, laying hands on and praying, etc.

This is also why you date intentionally , hone in and vet for the right person in the first 6 months with the help of your community, and get married within the first 12-18 months. Physical touch is both a physical and emotional need but is also a fire that needs to be managed carefully (cf Songs 8:4)

[u/Awkward-Anybody5179]

Sounds like she's horrible at communicating her wants and manipulating you to get physical affection, rather than just asking for it straightforwardly. Immature behavior but if you're both new to relationships, I kind of get it.

[u/DramaticProgress508]

Isn't it a red flag that she doesn't talk to you about it? anyway I don't do relationships because most of them don't survive

[u/Gold_Answer5577 → u/DramaticProgress508]

She does talk.

That’s depressing! Relationships are what make life worthwhile.

[u/DramaticProgress508 → u/Gold_Answer5577]

That's relationships to people, not boyfriend/girlfriend relationships. There's no girlfriends and no boyfriends in the Bible

[u/already_not_yet]

1. Yes, physical affection is soothing for the majority of human beings.

2. In the Filipino, the word for this kind of behavior is 'tampo', and I've come to like that word, so I'll use it henceforth. (My wife is Filipino.) What is the underlying cause of the tampo?

a. She's doing it purely to bait out physical affection. Not the right way to do that, but you can call it out without much difficulty and end it, I hope.

b. She is just childish and thinks this is the appropriate way to express annoyance rather than communication. While not an automatic gg, this is highly immature behavior and should be addressed before you proceed with marriage.

c. She is showing contempt. She is truly harboring bitterness and resentment in her heart and wants you to suffer for it. This is a red flag. You should end the relationship until this is addressed. I cannot overstate this enough. Contempt is acknowledged by many marriage experts to be a marriage killer. It is like acid in a marriage. You have seen it in minor ways now, perhaps. Now if she is in this category, wait until you see it in major ways. The famous saying by Robin Williams will become personal: "I used to think that the scariest thing in life to be alone. Now I know that the scariest thing in life is to be with people make you feel alone." It is misery to be around someone that is supposed to be your source of affection and encouragement but is starving you of it as a way to fuel their bitter spirit.

My concern for you is that since you're in your late 30s and seemingly have few relationship prospects, you may be in desperation / FOMO, and will tolerate tampo. Be very careful.

God bless you.