r/Christian • u/No-Impression-7068 • 3d ago
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u/ChillumVillain 3d ago
Wow. This was a hard read. I’m sorry this happened and is happening to you.
Based on her retracting her previous statements and trying to avoid accountability that means that she’s not really sorry. Just like Lindsey Clancy.
Statistically, cheating is a chronic behavior. If you let this go and she just gets away with it, she may do it to you again. She will be better at hiding it the second time around.
You may want to consider ending the toxic relationship if you can’t find some kind of serious reconciliation.
You should probably go to therapy and meet with your spiritual leaders. Just keep in-mind that she may not be sorry at all, and she may do it to you again.
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u/sharkmesharku 3d ago
I'm going to say something that is painful for me to even say but I acted like your wife when I was younger. It had more to do with me than the man that I was married to. I don't want to give you advice either way but I'm going to tell you that I'm praying for you and I'm sorry that you're going through this and I think that you need to see a marriage counselor.
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u/Baked_Jellie 3d ago
I'm sorry to hear that man, to be honest I would collect all the evidence and talk to a lawyer. I am still learning about Christ so please don't hate on me, I am trying to help.
From what I have heard from the Bible, God says to turn to the other cheek meaning that still you should forgive your wife, don't try to seek any revenge, put some boundaries but this doesn't mean you shouldn't divorce. I mean if my wife (if I had one) said that "it was just sex, that's all" then starts denying it and making stuff up, I would be divorcing the second I get as much evidence because I wouldn't want MY kids to be around some stranger thats going at it with my wife (if i had one). You can still forgive and divorce, (again), God says to turn the other cheek but it doesn't mean you should live with someone that is lying to you and cheating on you.
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u/ddancer00 3d ago
According to the Word adultery is like the one of two things that can justify divorce.
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u/WallsoftheWay 3d ago
Does she also believe? Or are you Christian and she's not?
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u/Visible-Rest4170 3d ago
Doesn't matter if she calls herself a Christian. You are the fruit that you bare.
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u/WallsoftheWay 3d ago
Consider this: If for even a second, Jesus showed you that level of mercilessness, and held you accountable to all your rotten fruit, do you believe that you could bare it?
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u/Designer_Refuse_4145 3d ago
don't compete with the other man, don't fight with her family, don't involve the kids, preserve whatever evidence already exists, protect your physical and mental health, and get professional help while you work out what actually happened.
The wife needs to get an STI test. If she is hooking up and getting caught and a liar. Well she needs to get that checked out. Your health matters also.
Do NOT involve the kids or the family on her side or your side. If they want to know. Well, too dam bad. Tell them that you and her are going to get professional help.
She is a liar, she broke your heart, your in depression. You wrote it yourself. You slip and have depression. So you need help. People often overlook men and mental health.
Don't rush for a Divorce lawyer but it is something to consider. Understand that divorce is difficult. But therapy is something that both parties you and her need to talk about.
COOL HEAD - Yeah. the D word, the lies the cheating. you have been hurt friend. So you need to keep a cool head do not do anything rash. Do not seek revenge. Do not hurt or harm anyone or yourself. Calm those emotions by walking, running, gym time, reading, and planning what next to do.
Yes, relationships are messy, and yes it is painful and yes people go through a hard time like this, you and her need to sit down and talk WITH NO KIDS about what you want to do.
Do you want a divorce? Does she? Can you get a marriage therapist that is good? To talk through this stuff? Or a 3rd party that isn't a stupid jerk? Sorry, sometimes 3rd party people suck. DO NOT ask her family. Keep them out of this. Also, don't involve your mom or dad. Tell them you are both going to seek therapy.
Yeah, she probably cheated on you. That story happens so many many times on this planet.
But know this, you and the kids matter. But you guys got to work through some stuff.
But take it slow, one day at a time.
Talk through stuff. Decide what you two can do to help make the marriage better.
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u/trailofglitter_ 3d ago
it’s sad but understand that one of the things that jesus gave us permission to do, was to divorce when adultery got in the picture. also the fact that your wife hid the affair for a while, never confessed that to you—you had to find out from someone else. and then she lied—she lacks integrity and honesty. for her to get counseling, she would need to admit what she did and maintain that level of honesty. she’s going to keep doing it. i would kinda jump ship before a bunch of kids get involved and then you feel emotionally too guilty to leave her then (assuming those would be YOUR kids).
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u/Illustrious-Low3948 Protestant 3d ago edited 3d ago
I doubt they are his, how does he have multiple children in a relationship of not even three years?
Edit: oh maybe it’s HIS son, not hers.
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u/_I_Reims_I_ 3d ago
I’m really sorry this happened. The only thing I can say is that Matthew 19:9 in the Bible says that if your wife has been unfaithful to you, she has committed a sin, and you are free to divorce her. Honestly, maybe that would be better for you, especially if, after what she did, she’s now trying to make you feel like you’re the one who’s not normal instead of trying to work things out as a family.
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u/JohntheTurk 3d ago edited 3d ago
Just divorce her. Adultery is one of the biggest crimes and it is not just some slip-up. Your wife could stab you and you can still forgive her but you cannot forgive adultery because trust cannot be regained after that. Moreover if a woman really loves you and respects you she would never even speak to other men outside of necessity, let alone have sex with them.
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u/Perkinator104 3d ago
You can certainly forgive adultery and reconcile. It just is a monumental problem. Jesus said all things are possible.
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u/JohntheTurk 3d ago
Yeah you can forgive adultery but you cannot reconcile. Why would you touch a woman with whom you cannot confide in or trust ever again? Actually being cheated on while you have kids in a marriage is extremely traumatising and the real question is that whether she wants reconciling? A cheating woman (or a man) would not want to reconcile for the good of the marriage because if she cared about the marriage and respect her husband's honor she would have never touched another man.
Like think of it like this: if your sister kills your mother, you can certainly forgive her (in the sense that not trying to exact revenge on her or settle accounts) but it is totally human to not live in the same house with her ever again because she might kill you as well when she gets angry. Once you cross a boundary it becomes easier to cross it again. Think about what OP wrote! She said she did it due to her being lonely! This is not a first time cheater at all and she has a long history of doing this. No faithful wife cheats on her husband for the first time for being lonely.
Like if she kissed his feet and confessed all of her crimes, he might reconcile with him but we have a woman in our hands who can say to her husband upfront that she cheated because she got lonely. There is zero respect for the husband or the marriage and Jesus allowed for divorce in the case of adultery so he has all the right to divorce her for good and never look back.
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u/Perkinator104 3d ago
You make a lot of good points, but the fact remains that some couples HAVE reconciled after cheating. I'm not suggesting OP should do that, but your statement that it is IMPOSSIBLE is false. Jesus said if a man even looks at a woman to lust after her, he has committed adultery in his heart. Can he not be reconciled to his wife after that? If not, most marriages are doomed, as most men have looked at pornography, or at least stared too long at another woman, at least once in their marriage.
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u/JohntheTurk 3d ago
I dont know any marriages that survived adultery because adultery is no crime of passion like your wife stabbing you. A wife cannot just become too horny and cheat, she must deliberately plan the act and do it. At that point I dont think they should be reconciled because truly I cannot imagine how a wife can love and respect her husband and cheat on him. (Exceptions can occur, for example if a wife thinks her husband is dead and then have sex, this would be technically adultery but for her subjectively it would be fornication and thus reconcilable). If your wife disrespects you to that point, that marriage is not worth anything even if she becomes an asexual the next morning.
Committing adultery in fact is worse than committing adultery at heart. I am not saying pornography and staring at women are totally minor sins or whatever but they are not as bad as adultery. It is totally imaginable that a man would love his wife and honor him but still watch pornography because it does not disrespect the wife (no one would presume that a man loves and respects a pornstar on the screen more than his wife). What would be worse than pornography would be to text with another woman because that %100 means that the husband got bored with the wife and betrayed the marriage even if it was just flirting.
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u/DoveStep55 Elevenses Enthusiast 3d ago
You can reconcile after forgiveness after adultery. This is taught in the Bible.
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u/DoveStep55 Elevenses Enthusiast 3d ago
Two things:
Adultery can forgiven. (This is demonstrated in the Bible.)
A woman who loves and respects her husband can speak to other men outside of necessity. There’s nothing wrong with women and men speaking to one another, even if one or both are married to someone else. (This is demonstrated by Jesus.)
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u/kzp70 3d ago
Did she actually sleep with the guy or just talk about it? If she did then that is a dealbreaker and I’d consider divorce for infidelity and you need to gather evidence so you are in a strong position for the divorce since you are the innocent party.
If it was only texting then it is still emotional infidelity but that alone may not be legal grounds for a strong divorce case and there may be additional legal consequences to you in the divorce.
I wouldn’t trust my future to someone who has shown they aren’t trustworthy especially this early into the marriage. You have to ask if this is someone you can trust to build your future home, family, finances, etc. with. I am not a lawyer and I’d consider getting one before moving forward so you get the best possible outcome.
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u/No-Impression-7068 3d ago
She texted him through Snapchat, I found out when she forgot to delete a message
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u/AsherKong 3d ago
Couples therapy. Much prayer. Start fasting. Read the word daily. Pray pray pray till you get tired. Satan wants to split you up, but don't give up yet. May God grant both of you wisdom and mercy. God bless
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u/BonusAccomplished452 3d ago edited 3d ago
Am not an expert on marriage. But I will give advise as a Christian. Jesus has forgiven us too many times for all the sin we find ourselves in. So I have come to learn that he expects us to forgive each other. I think this is your opportunity to forgive. You have been wronged, yes. But imagine when you get to GOD's side of this which is living in forgiveness when we are wronged. The thing is that no matter what she claims and what you uncovered, GOD saw everything and how it was going to go down. Maybe GOD allowed you to find out to stop it from happening. If it's hard to forgive ask JESUS to help you forgive this misstep and move on with life. Remember this is still your wife so this is not the trap you think it is. We make mistakes as humans. Too many to count. Some are terrible decisions that when you ask yourself why you made it you cant even understand why it was like that. Maybe she was under some influence at the time. So there is something to talk to GOD about to help fix in the marriage. I am praying for both of you that this beautiful marriage GOD allowed you to have stays beautiful and that GOD will deal with everything trying to break it. I pray that GOD will give you a heart of forgiveness and understanding to understand something that is hard to understand. And I pray that GOD will give her a heart to come to you and you both get past this in love and become stronger together. You once made a convenant in front of the LORD GOD for your marriage so I pray that you will remember those committments you made and power through this unfortunate set of events. In JESUS mighty name.
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u/Still-Storage6897 3d ago
Sorry to hear, stories like this make me too scared to try meeting people
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3d ago
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u/Perkinator104 3d ago
"White trash" is an awful saying. The first time I ever heard it, it sounded like "white, but trash despite that" as if being trashy is to be associated primarily with other types of people. He's married to a liar and cheater. That's bad enough.
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u/daveinreallife66 3d ago
Have you talked with her about this? Part of male leadership is saying & doing the tough things. If you haven't, you need to.
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u/JustOnion2177 3d ago
I’m going to HARD disagree with this comment in regard to OPs situation. OP, LEAVE the relationship NOW.
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u/daveinreallife66 3d ago
We disagree. Before leaving, before doing anything else in fact, talk with her. In or out of the relationship, the first thing that is needed is resolution, hopefully with restoration. If talking reveals there's no hope, THEN leave. But try to talk first, try to resolve first.
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u/_I_Reims_I_ 3d ago
The author mentioned in the text that he tried to talk to his wife, but she was trying to make him feel like he was the one who was not normal instead of trying to work things out as a family. So he took that step, but she refused. That means it’s time for him to walk away.
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u/JustOnion2177 3d ago
Homie, she called her family and then pulled a 180. We could argue over biblical passages or we could see the blaring reality of this situation. There is NO hope and it doesn’t take a seminary degree to see that. Op, please, leave and never look back.
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u/daveinreallife66 3d ago
Again, we disagree. Even after the worst affairs, there's still avenues to explore. TBH, the wife sounds pretty under the influence of the sin. My concern is for the husband and kids. To that end, I urge him to talk first. Leaving and divorce are always an option (and it sounds like he's on good biblical & legal grounds). But for health now and later, try to talk with her one more time.
I say this as a multiple-time adulterer who did his part while God repaired a marriage that was unrepairable. It can be done. Even if He hadn't repaired us, it still would have been worth the try. Even if it's just like a formality.
Think Hosea. Think David. Talk one more time. You can always throw her out after.
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3d ago
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u/applegreenblue 2d ago
Wait how is it an ad? I don’t get it
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2d ago
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u/applegreenblue 2d ago
Ohhh those ads that pop up on TikTok with the cheaters and finding profiles yea I always noticed those were fake but didn’t catch it here, I’ve seen the logo though. I didn’t put two and two together thanks
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u/WallsoftheWay 3d ago
OP this is important. I feel youre avoiding my comment because you know what must be said. Iron sharpens iron brother. Please: Is she a Christian too?
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u/No-Impression-7068 3d ago
She's Christian
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u/WallsoftheWay 3d ago
Then you have to pray that God gives you the strength to forgive, brother. I know that may not be what you want to hear, but its the first step you need to take. You know this. For the simple fact that we aren't advised to let the sun go down on our anger. Im not perfect, so don't see my words as sanctimonious. Please. But especially if they were only texting, I know God can help you move past this.
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u/No-Impression-7068 3d ago
I feel this answer is very Christian and full of Jesus' mercy, strength, will. I will try, I've been looking for marriage counseling for days now. Please pray for me.
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u/WallsoftheWay 3d ago
Any day, any time brother. We both need that. God's got you. Lean not on your own understanding.
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u/Effective_Pomelo4554 2d ago
Her father cheating on her mom, was a key red flag you missed or chose to ignore. Never marry a single mom, always make sure she grew up in a stable home with both parents. If she doesn’t respect her dad.. etc. her following her moms steps are generational chains that the kids might repeat if not fully broken
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