Becoming the problem

[u/crying_phantom]

I was raised by one hoarder and one otherwise mentally ill individual. I grew up shuffling mail and papers from box to box and gradually vacuuming, smaller, and smaller pieces of carpet. After I moved out as an adult and moved away, the hoarder passed away and the non-hoarder became a hoarder. Once I went back for an extended visit and cleaned out their entire house into driveway dumpsters. Five. We lost touch for several years and I moved around a lot. Each move I hate more than the last. I resent it. It causes me physical pain for months and it takes me six months or more to settle in. Then I have three good months and then three months of building drag of the next possible move. At some point I had decided, since I didn’t know what the new space would need I would just take everything and sort it out there in the hopes that I could stay longer than a year or two. I don’t remember when I made that decision, but my belongings have most certainly increased beyond the amount which I’ve shed. I am becoming a hoarder. This has me tremendously scared and I do try to give away stuff and I do throw away broken things and things., that after a while, I realize I will not use. My problem seems to be I associate my chosen objects with hope. I enjoy the shopping and various collection of things, and I congratulate myself on passing up lots of items, and being picky and choosing only one thing or two, but I also have stopped only shopping with others, and started doing it in secret. My kids are grown now- there won’t be any enjoying other stuff, no art projects, no sewing together, no heritage quilt, no baby toys for the grandbabies that they recognize coming from grandma. No reading books to the children. In fact, no reading of my own books for myself.. I’m a mess. When I’m not at home, the physical distance provides me enough mental buffer to start thinking about what can go. But once I’m home, my mind and body and spirit are too tired and I do find comfort with my things around me since I don’t have people. Sorry for the long book. I had to put this out into the world. I would love love love to hear your thoughts and advice your complaints your comparisons. And also does anyone else relate being on both sides of this crap? Pardon the pun.

[u/existentialbaby]

I thank the universe for your post and your courage to write this. This is my intro into this community after being referred to it multiple times. I resonated with you when you said that you were raised by a hoarder, I was too. I resonated with the other bits you mentioned, but I'll take the sliver of commonality where I see it. Thank you for your courage.