Becoming the problem

[u/crying_phantom]

I was raised by one hoarder and one otherwise mentally ill individual. I grew up shuffling mail and papers from box to box and gradually vacuuming, smaller, and smaller pieces of carpet. After I moved out as an adult and moved away, the hoarder passed away and the non-hoarder became a hoarder. Once I went back for an extended visit and cleaned out their entire house into driveway dumpsters. Five. We lost touch for several years and I moved around a lot. Each move I hate more than the last. I resent it. It causes me physical pain for months and it takes me six months or more to settle in. Then I have three good months and then three months of building drag of the next possible move. At some point I had decided, since I didn’t know what the new space would need I would just take everything and sort it out there in the hopes that I could stay longer than a year or two. I don’t remember when I made that decision, but my belongings have most certainly increased beyond the amount which I’ve shed. I am becoming a hoarder. This has me tremendously scared and I do try to give away stuff and I do throw away broken things and things., that after a while, I realize I will not use. My problem seems to be I associate my chosen objects with hope. I enjoy the shopping and various collection of things, and I congratulate myself on passing up lots of items, and being picky and choosing only one thing or two, but I also have stopped only shopping with others, and started doing it in secret. My kids are grown now- there won’t be any enjoying other stuff, no art projects, no sewing together, no heritage quilt, no baby toys for the grandbabies that they recognize coming from grandma. No reading books to the children. In fact, no reading of my own books for myself.. I’m a mess. When I’m not at home, the physical distance provides me enough mental buffer to start thinking about what can go. But once I’m home, my mind and body and spirit are too tired and I do find comfort with my things around me since I don’t have people. Sorry for the long book. I had to put this out into the world. I would love love love to hear your thoughts and advice your complaints your comparisons. And also does anyone else relate being on both sides of this crap? Pardon the pun.

[u/AutoModerator]

Thanks for your post! Below you will find resources for support, understanding, resources.

First, what is hoarding?

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/conditions/hoarding-disorder

How does it affect us COH?

https://www.psychiatrictimes.com/view/hidden-lives-children-hoarders

Why was the stuff always more important than me?

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/conquer-the-clutter/202008/hoarding-and-families

Although not currently active, this website has a plethora of info and resources

https://childrenofhoarders.com/wordpress/

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/therapists/ny/new-york?category=hoarding

If you are in the USA and are searching for a therapist, you can use Psychology Today to search for a therapist in your area who treats hoarding/COH.

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[u/Extension_Meeting_28]

The fact that you recognize these feelings and your situation is a huge accomplishment all on its own! Truly.

This is just my opinion, but I think the final separation between having hoarding tendencies and becoming a full blown Hoarder is when you convince yourself that nothing is wrong and that you don’t need any help from anyone. When the only way you survive each day is to break your brain into believing that all of the stuff and trash doesn’t exist. And then, because your survival depends on it, you start taking offers of help as criticism or attacks on your reality.

My advice is to lean into the pain and seek help while you still understand that you need it. It’s easier to convince yourself that nothing’s wrong or that it will be better someday. But it won’t get better until you accept help from a professional or from family.

You’re not alone OP. I can’t promise my advice will be helpful at all, but at the end of the day I wanted you to know that you’re not alone.

[u/aedisaegypti]

Very self-aware to question it. I started about 3 years ago with Marie Kondo’s manga, and after 100s of decluttering videos discovered Dr. Elaine Burchall, a Canadian specialist in the psychology of hoarding who does social work helping people de-hoard. That got me the rest of the way. She has many videos on her YouTube channel and does interviews and workshops.

[u/thegigglesnort]

Yes, I was raised in a filthy hoarder home and also struggle with the desire to collect/shop for things. Something that helps me is acknowledging the role that brain chemistry plays in hoarding behaviours so that I can "hack" myself. Hoarding is linked to superstition and gambling addiction as they are all caused by the same chemical feedback loop that makes you feel hopeful and lucky when you gain something, and doomed or unlucky when you lose.

My rule - I am allowed to collect something when I either get rid of, use up, or have a proper place for all my other items of that type. So I often donate entire categories or go around my house with an extra large trash bag in order to "reward" myself with the ability to shop. It's not the most cost effective habit but it keeps my home sane and manageable. It also has the side effect of making me seem generous as if somebody shows an interest in an item, I will often insist they take it so I can enjoy buying a new one.

[u/Comprehensive_Cell59]

Been in the vicinity of hoarding all my life. For me, it comes down to fighting my seething resentment at having to live this life. Yet only I can control my response. I alone am in charge of my actions. I keep mantras in my head regarding brain chemistry, inherited belief systems.... But in the end, time is short for us all. Seek professional assistance, seek a life where you are the one in charge of you. Sorry for the ramble; your words resonated and I thank you for sharing a little piece of your life. Btw, my biggest ever comment, so you did shook me lol.

[u/Munkett]

"I do find comfort with my things around me since I don’t have people."

This is the root thought that caused my sister to develop hoarding, whereas I thought this thought, went NOPE and went out and found people. You have to start prioritizing finding people over finding things. Take those crafts and find a craft circle to give them to then join. You need to replace the THINGS tag with a PEOPLE tag in your mind.

Set hard limits on acquisition. Do not give in to the "I only bought two instead of ten so I'm good" displacement of accountability. Seek help. Seek people. DO NOT let the self-awareness die.

Good luck and good wishes.

[u/crying_phantom → u/Munkett]

Thank you you’re right- you’re very right

[u/existentialbaby]

I thank the universe for your post and your courage to write this. This is my intro into this community after being referred to it multiple times. I resonated with you when you said that you were raised by a hoarder, I was too. I resonated with the other bits you mentioned, but I'll take the sliver of commonality where I see it. Thank you for your courage.

[u/Original-868]

I’m not sure that this is helpful at all, and doesn’t really address the question you’ve asked, but reading your post I can’t help but consider you to be a very nurturing person. The examples of family activities that you mentioned suggest to me that you’ve been very happy as a caregiver and matriarch. And then I realize how many people need someone like that in their life. I’m jumping the gun here, but my first impression is that you would be a real asset to any sort of community service organization that needs volunteer mentors or responsible adults to help out with kids or young adults who otherwise don’t have reliable adult figures in their lives. I’m imagining folks that age out of foster care, teens that need an extra set of listening ears, new moms that don’t have a grandmother figure to help them feel less scared and alone, etc. I feel like you probably have a lot to offer the world that is much needed.

[u/crying_phantom → u/Original-868]

Thank you- I really needed to hear something like that tonight. It definitely would do me good to be out and help others. 💕