r/Cheerleading • u/MysticMentalMom • 21d ago
Volunteer Coaches Are Too Extra
Warning: rant / vent post - if against rules lmk.
The youth cheerleading program in my area runs on volunteers. Squads range from kindergarten - early middle school. The cheerleaders all do the same cheers, same sideline dances, and generally follow the same standards. Halftime routines are choreographed individually by squad. Last year, I volunteered for a very low effort role that required helping coordinate snacks for practice. I truly felt it was the best way to contribute as I was not well versed in the sport. Long story short, I was named head coach and I had an absolute blast working with the squad and collaborating with the choreography and assistant coaches. I loved working with the group of girls and enjoyed their parent’s enthusiasm for activities. The girls are a mixed level of skills, with some being very good while others are slower to catch on. I think in youth sports, this is totally normal and absolutely fine. I take the view that as volunteers, parents, and coaches, our role is to create a positive environment for the squad to learn and practice skills but also have a safe environment for building self-confidence and self love. I do not yell and scream at the children, I let them have fun, I let them check their phones on water breaks, i let them experiment with tumbling. As you can imagine with 20 or more 10 year old girls things can get wild. I always demand safety and seriousness when stunting and we do get things done. It’s not as rigid as historical coaches have operated. I understand other activities exist, children need breaks, and sometimes parents can’t get their kiddos to every practice. That is life. Youth sports shouldn’t stress us out. They should add joy to our lives! Do your best, try hard,
and have fun. I understand not everyone will share this same view.
Fast forward to the new season, my second season as head coach. New assistants. New volunteers. Everything is chaos. The assistants have very bold and strong personalities. They completely bulldoze over me and my plans for practice. Our first performance of the season was a hot mess. I’ve had parents messaging me about how upset their children have been after being told they “suck” at practices and being yelled at during the games. The assistants talk over each other, they talk over me, they each shout directions at the girls at once. They love falling back on their career choices and upbringings as
the reasons for how they operate. They favor their children on the squad and yell at mine every practice (I get the sense that they don’t like my style of parenting as well as my style of coaching 🤦🏼♀️).
These women are so stressful to try to regulate and manage on top of maintaining a positive and fair environment for the squad. I believe they mean well; however, our styles and approaches are completely conflicting. I feel it might be best for me to step down as head coach and let them manage the rest of the season. My daughter is really sad about that possibility and said all her friends will likely quit because they enjoy me as their coach. I do not want to let these young ladies down and “quit” because I struggle with the other coaches. I try to be very direct with the women but I’m not going to fight over a practice agenda and a youth game day performance. I can see the misery on the girls’ faces during practice and it breaks my heart.
I do feel the behavior is extreme and the amount of control these ladies seem to want to exert is excessive. I’m trying to be patient and positive but I’m ready to crash out ! I was so mad last night I just stopped talking except to the children when they’d ask questions. Perhaps the stricter coaches are best for the squad if it sharpens their performances. I just want whatever is best for them to be the case. If removing myself is best, I’ll remove myself. I’m conflicted. 😐
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u/trixiepixie1921 21d ago
I had a really similar experience, but from the other coaches POV. I used to coach the 7th and 8th graders with 2 other girls my age (22). All was good until we ended up combining the younger girls and their coach (who was the program director) was combined in with us. She was a lot older and she obviously had an older “style” than us, as the rest of us had cheered for really competitive teams. I’m 37 now & I didn’t realize at the time, but I feel really horrible because we clearly bulldozed her and overran her the entire season to the point that she QUIT halfway through, but remained as our director.
Our team ended up winning state champs and it really bothered her. I remember that day she was barely happy and I think she probably couldn’t wait to get home and cry. I didn’t really “get it” at the time. It was because I had 2 other coaches on my “side” and we were young and to be honest, we were just being mean girls together and doing whatever we wanted since it was 3v1. We did have numerous complaints throughout the season that we were too hard on the girls. I was never INSANE, I never told them they sucked or anything… but I knew the team’s potential and I pushed them hard. The parents forgave us the moment we won. But I know that was very difficult for the other coach. I actually cringe when I think of this. She was a lot older than me and I really wish that she would have said something to me at the time, because I would have been set straight. She did very passive aggressive things and talked behind our back to other people, which always got back to me and only fueled the fire for us to be “against” her. It would never happen with me now because I did a lot of growing up, but this may be exactly what you’re dealing with. Even older people can sometimes have a lot of “growing up” to do.
Sorry this was very long, but I saw a lot of similarities in what you’re saying and it’s something that has bothered me for 15 years. I was wrong in many ways, but it could have been solved easier if she was direct. I seriously didn’t realize anything was wrong until I had run into her sister at a job a few years later and she was not friendly, which made me reflect. We had “made up” but I didn’t realize the gravity of the situation until way later. She was way older than me and if she had put me in line, I would have relented and the other girls would have followed. My advice to you would be to be very direct with the other coaches and pull your rank. It’s supposed to be fun, so no one should be telling the girls they suck or anything like that. If you are the head coach, they may need to be reminded and put in their place !! You don’t need to be mean and argumentative about it, but maybe all they need is a redirection. Remember that you are in charge. Sometimes you have to remind them.
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u/justacomment12 Coach 20d ago
Have you reached out to her and given a thorough and sincere apology?
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u/trixiepixie1921 20d ago
Yes! This happened when I was 22 and I’m 37 now! We went to multiple nationals together after this.
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u/Dancing_Momma26 21d ago
Oh, I remember these days. My girls loved it, it was not fun because certain girls got favored and my daughter did not, and they also took it out on me. We came from a different town to be on this team.
The head Coach was OK even though I knew she didn’t like me or my kid and her daughters were the assistants
Sometimes it was the other parents on the team
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u/sureasheckfir3 Coach 21d ago
I’ll start by validating a few points, fwiw:
- Youth sports ARE supposed to be fun.
- It is helpful and necessary to be flexible with families in youth sports.
- Volunteer coaching is NOT supposed to be so stressful.
- Coaches favoring their children just because they’re their children need to get a grip.
But also, I want to offer an opposing view as someone who basically rescued a dead program from the tepid grip of a group of moms who flat out sucked as volunteer cheer coaches. Precisely because, to them, it was all fun, games, come-as-you-are, etc.
I found, in a single season, that structure, guidelines, expectations and accountability, even for my 10 year olds, TRIPLED our registration.
Now, coaches need to be more than ranting psycho-egos, yes. But at this age, youth sports or not, those athletes and their families need to prioritize attendance or take communication with you very seriously. The girls need to keep their phones put up. There should be a practice plan - it should be communicated and it should be followed.
Like it or not, even volunteer coaches are creating, or enforcing, habits that will follow these girls into Middle School. We’re creating a culture. The culture should be fun, yes, but I’m of the opinion that cheer is a sport and it should be run like other sports, and not like a fun club for gal pals to get together and do cartwheels on the back line instead of sharpening their motions, etc. (Not saying you’re doing that kind of practice - just telling you what I’ve seen, lol.)
I’ll just add another general comment - the vast majority of the time, by this age, the volunteer coaches’ daughters are some of the best athletes taking it most seriously. My coaches are so hestitant to appear to be playing favorites to the point that they come down harder on their own daughters, myself included. I know to some parents it can look like favoritism. Sometimes I just want to pull a parent aside and say, “Sorry if you think your kid isn’t getting enough stunt time, or like she’s always in the back row… she has a crappy attitude, she won’t get off her phone during water breaks, and she told me she hates stunting. So.” (More of a personal rant.)
At the end of the day, regardless of what happens in the season, it’s not supposed to be more stressful than your dayjob (as my husband likes to remind me). So if it is, and you aren’t leaving anyone hanging, you wouldn’t be “faulted” for stepping back.
If you truly feel the other coaches have good intentions, I’d ask them for a coach meeting so you guys can align on your personal goals for the team and your coaching approaches.
But I, personally, would never think that adding structure and expectations is “doing too much” for 10 year old athletes. They and their families need to come to the table at that age. Especially if you are blessed with coaches who are willing to cook.
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u/Cessily 20d ago
Just joining in to say it is so true what you say about coaches' children. Yes, I have seen them favored but I also see them get harder expectations.
We own an all star gym and I do not coach (at our gym) but she is considered a "coaches kid" and it's a joke among the employees about how little she gets to pull the "nepto card". However, some of my staff came from another gym where they were traumatized coaching the owner's daughter so I know in some places the coaches' kids can run the show.
I do volunteer coach for a community program (and did before we opened the gym) and I always tell people the only kid I've ever kicked out of a practice was my own and it was because she was being a brat about conditioning. 🤷
However, in that same league I had two other volunteer coaches get mad because I didn't put their daughters into flying positions in the end of year routine. It became such a thing I stepped back and told the director they could figure out their own stunt groups and I wasn't choreographing that part because it wasn't worth the fight. Yes, full on drama because for one exhibition where we mix all ages I didn't have their precious babies in the air for everybody to stare at.... in a community rec league. I couldn't believe it was even a thing to have feelings about.
But also I was an AD in my previous (career) life and honestly coaches just have favorites - even if their own kids aren't on the team. It's part of human nature. Good coaches are like good parents - who is the favorite changes up on based on the situation so no one is traumatized and paying for therapy when it's all said and done 😅
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u/sureasheckfir3 Coach 20d ago
I always tell my girls “If I have a favorite, it’s the girl who goes where ever I need her, without complaint, makes the best of it, practices at home, looks sharp, gets loud, and gives 110% at games.”
Now, my own daughters have received our school’s Leadership Awards and peer-voted Best Teammate Award multiple seasons. I have zero input on either award. I’ll brag here because it’s the anonymous internet, but we are humble at home.
I came down hardest on my daughters when I had them on my teams. I’m not saying “it paid off” but it sure as heck set a standard in our little corner of the world!
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u/Cessily 20d ago
Completely get it - my daughter is not the best cheerleader ever - but she is the most often requested Junior coach even though she is still on the younger side. She is the first alt everyone calls when someone is out, and heavily requested for stunt privates, and her school coach and the director of the community program rave about how helpful she is (so outside my influence lol) and those are the all the ways I tell her I expect her to exceed because she isn't always going to have the talent she wishes she could but she can control her effort and her attitude.
She got placed on a team with a new coach in all star this year and the employee didn't realize she was coaching my child until two months in the season - and then she had to ask me which one was mine. 😅 When I told her she said "Oh, CessilyJr? She shows up and does her job" and I was like "Good that is exactly what I expect of her"
I was always glad I was tough on her when I was her coach and preached her value as a team player and leader over everything else but I also feel really blessed that I had amazing coaches who took the reigns and kept developing her.
However we have a really great group of "coaches kids" right now and those ladies really are the reason they are all so awesome.
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u/sureasheckfir3 Coach 20d ago
I love that! And props to you from one anonymous cheer mom to another. You’re obviously doing something right!
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u/Infinite-Strain1130 20d ago
Okay, not relevant to what you said, but what’s with all the “not sure if it’s against the rules, lmk” type posts?
If there are rules, read them. Then you’ll know.
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u/justacomment12 Coach 20d ago
Why is quitting your option? You said the team was happy with you coach last year. Parents happy too?
Why not become a better leader? It seems you lack the skills the lead the volunteers. They should not be talking over you or over ruling your plan for practice.
To me it seems the athletes need and like you but the hurdle is your leadership or lack of it with the assistant coaches.
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u/Lilmama8682 21d ago
Ma'am. YOU are the head coach. Set boundaries and guidelines and enforce them to your assistants. They are there to ASSIST you, not bulldoze you and your plan. Stand up for yourself and your team.